WiseWomenUnite.com

General Category => Grab Bag => Topic started by: Sassy on April 13, 2010, 07:12:09 PM

Title: Why the disrespect?
Post by: Sassy on April 13, 2010, 07:12:09 PM
I am wondering why would someone do what Luise has specifically asked us not to do to her site.

Why would someone desecrate this place by stirring up board wars on "hate sites" and intentionally bring their upsetting negativity over here?

I am shaking my head because it is so, so..... wrong.

Maybe it's just me, but reading what was done feels like a betrayal of Luise, and in some of her darkest hours.

I can't understand why.

Please, out of respect for Luise and those of us who prefer to avoid needless drama and instead seek solace and safety here .... please stop.

Please.
Title: Re: Why the disrespect?
Post by: RedRose on April 13, 2010, 07:31:34 PM
Sassy,

I have the greatest respect for Luise and I have been praying for her and her husband everyday.

This site also belongs to Chicky...and I have a lot of respect for her also.
Title: Re: Why the disrespect?
Post by: Pen on April 13, 2010, 07:41:14 PM
I don't understand how Chickie's post caused such a hateful reaction - it seemed pretty benign to me, but I'm not a DIL in pain. Chickie is free to do what she wants, and Luise can handle it how she wants. I don't want the trash site here, either. After my first exposure I knew it was not the site for me - I'm a lover, not a hater, as the old saying goes. I was so glad to find WWU!

Here's my hope - that the old posters come back here and we can rebuild, better than ever. Coco? Isitme? Renny? Hope? Invisible? And everyone else who hasn't been here in awhile?
Title: Re: Why the disrespect?
Post by: 2chickiebaby on April 13, 2010, 07:51:44 PM
Pen, first of all, many of these people knew me from past sites.  I am desperate to find out what was happening.  They
gave me the same treatment they are giving me now.  I kept going back and got more. That was a huge mistake and
one I'll never forget.   They gave Creme the same treatment.  It was horrible.

I have alerted their Webmaster about the entire thread being put here and to her credit, she took most of it down. I think
there is a warning over there about posting threads on other sites. 

I wanted this site to be one where we weren't talked to like we were three. I shouldn't have gone there, no doubt about 
it.  Nothing will stop the ladies now, though.  I should never have owned up to it on here...big mistake. No matter what I do or
say, it will be the same treatment I got years ago.

I caused this dreadful thing and I will have to pay the consequences. If it means I leave, I leave.  We will see.


Quote from: penstamen on April 13, 2010, 07:41:14 PM
I don't understand how Chickie's post caused such a hateful reaction - it seemed pretty benign to me, but I'm not a DIL in pain. Chickie is free to do what she wants, and Luise can handle it how she wants. I don't want the trash site here, either. After my first exposure I knew it was not the site for me - I'm a lover, not a hater, as the old saying goes. I was so glad to find WWU!

Here's my hope - that the old posters come back here and we can rebuild, better than ever. Coco? Isitme? Renny? Hope? Invisible? And everyone else who hasn't been here in awhile?
Title: Re: Why the disrespect?
Post by: willingtohelp on April 13, 2010, 08:30:46 PM
Pent, I'll bite, because to be honest, Chickie's post was a bit insulting to me as well.  She first posted about how we're "throwing DH's mother away".  I am estranged from my ILs as well as many women on that board.  We didn't throw our MsIL away.  We tried, oh goodness did we try.  We tried being doormats, we tried talking, we have tried therapy, we have tried boundaries, we have tried everything we can think of until we say enough.  The idea that we've just callously tossed them aside is an insult to all we've done to try to make it work.  And then to go on and suggest that it's a problem with us because surely a MIL couldn't cause all this pain would be like me saying that surely the MsIL on this site are the ones with problems because surely a DIL couldn't cause this pain.  It's just plain wrong on both accounts.  People can hurt other people.  Some people can really really hurt other people.  They can be MsIL, FsIL, SsIL, DsIL, or no one's ILs.  Then when people responded angrily to her post she called them rabid dogs unfit to be in society.  Not the nicest response.  Overall, I think if someone had come here and posted what she posted there, our responses wouldn't have been very charming either. 

I totally agree that Chickie is free to do what she wants.  And Luise is free to do what she needs to do to protect this site, and I hope that no one from over there decides to stir up trouble here since we basically did it to them first.  But I'm not going to condemn those women for finding a site where they can vent and doing so.  And I am a bit embarrassed that we went there and poked the hornet's nest.  I think it was juvenile. 
Title: Re: Why the disrespect?
Post by: isitme? on April 13, 2010, 09:09:22 PM
Quote from: penstamen on April 13, 2010, 07:41:14 PM
I don't understand how Chickie's post caused such a hateful reaction - it seemed pretty benign to me, but I'm not a DIL in pain. Chickie is free to do what she wants, and Luise can handle it how she wants. I don't want the trash site here, either. After my first exposure I knew it was not the site for me - I'm a lover, not a hater, as the old saying goes. I was so glad to find WWU!

Here's my hope - that the old posters come back here and we can rebuild, better than ever. Coco? Isitme? Renny? Hope? Invisible? And everyone else who hasn't been here in awhile?

Hi Penstamen... thanks for remembering me!  I've been here but not posting so much these days - I love keeping up with everyone here but I have to say, what's happened today made me very sad.  I hope we are able to get back to that better place of mutual respect and understanding as we try to help each other cope with the difficulties in life.  As a dil, I think I can understand how Chickie's post caused a lot of pain to some of the DILs. Just as she may have been projecting her feelings about her own dils' onto these other ones... In the same way, they may have been reading into her behavior in a way that  reflects  how they see their own MILs - and they responded accordingly.  does that make sense?  I think this really is a perfect example about how there can be MILS and DILS both who are real stinkers - and we can't just generalize and assume that ALL DILS are bad or ALL MILs are bad. 

I'm still a little confused about why chickie felt the need to do this.  Chickie?  You've always been such a wonderful source of support for me  and so many other DILS here when we were struggling with our questions.  Do you really think we are all so horrible?  I hope not  :(
Title: Re: Why the disrespect?
Post by: cocobars on April 13, 2010, 09:19:05 PM
Has anyone looked at the post above this one?  It was written well before I stepped back in to reply.  Do you give any validity to the fact that we have DIL's on here that are reaching out to us so that they can understand their own MIL's who are knocking them down at every breath?  I'm not saying that we haven't been knocked down, but I'm saying if we don't start listening and inviting their wisdom as DIL's who have experience with some pretty difficult MIL's, then we're doomed as a group.  I don't think this is what Luise had in mind when she started this site.  The simple fact that she went through this name change from "Mother's in Law Unite" to "Wise Women Unite," tells me that this was meant to be a healing place - FOR WOMEN.  Doesn't smack of MIL or DIL to me, does it you?  This site has changed.  Why are we bullying eachother?

I have watched MIL's and DIL's alike walk away, including me.  When will we say as a group that we are ALL mother's and we deserve to understand eachother?  As a MIL, I have already been a DIL.  What I'm trying to say is that we all have common ground here.   I left this site and went to a DIL hate site for comfort.  That's how bad we've gotten.

What happened to "I want to understand" from both sides (DIL's/MIL's)?  Is anybody interested anymore?  I went on that site and have read and read.  I found out that it is PROHIBITED to come on this site and talk about us there.  Why are we doing this?  They are shutting down any post that relates to us and respecting our site.  Why are we finding it necessary to go there and disrespect theirs.

I have a problem with this, and the fact that I am made fun of because "I have a daughter here."  You are losing MIL's as well as DIL's here.  I have been struck down here at every opportunity, if I even agree with a DIL.  OK, I cut off my family for awhile - YES IT WAS MY PARENTS!  Yes, I've been to the site you call the "hate site."  I believe from what I've read (and I am just lurking for now), the DIL's on that site are respectful of our privacy.  They have no choice.  If they write about us, their post will be "shut down."

If we continue with this narrowminded stone throwing here, we will have no DIL's here with us.  They will all give up on us too.  Is that the objective?  I'm not trying to be disrespectful to anyone.  I left because I'm somewhere in the middle and I got the message "loud and clear" that I was supposed to choose a side.  I have no side!  I am a DIL and I am a MIL.  What side is this?  I like them both and seem to be good at both.  I believed for a long time that this was a site we all could come to for understanding and love.  I'm disappointed and I hope, for the sake of understanding our own sorrow and grief, that we as MIL's can take a few breaths, and come back in with a new attitude. 

We need eachother.  If you find yourself making hurtful comments, I hope you will see how much that hurts others, take some deep breaths and a break, and come back in with all the compassion you had before.

You never know, we might even see some lost women back...
Title: Re: Why the disrespect?
Post by: Sassy on April 13, 2010, 09:21:52 PM
I was not asking about disrespect for DILs.  Or disrespect for another website.  I was asking about why the disrespect for this website.

What I found disrespectful was intentionally bringing their specific stuff here and throwing it around all over the place.  After Luise has posted so many times to that of course we can do whatever we want elsewhere, just don't drag their stuff back here.

Perhaps it's just a coincidence of timing.   When Luise had to be focused somewhere else, the tone of hate, the exact terminology, the cursing and foul language, the mockery, the "they/them" versus "we/us" spirit was brought over here.  Perhaps its just another coincidence of timing, but it seems when printing the details of their business here wasn't garnering enough, i don't know, reaction?, to go there so identifiably as from this specific site, call them names like dogs, and agitate them to the point they actually put the url link to this site on there so they could come here to mock us some more, well, I guess that's how it feels like a betrayal that a hate freeway was erected directly to Luise's site.   If Luise didn't want the type of personalities that the Doctor Phil show could draw, then I really don't understand why would someone issue such an invitation on what she calls "hate sites"?

I come here because I have a very, very troubled MIL. If I had a desire to discuss my MIL in terms of name calling, have people tell me I'm stupid for loving her and actually caring for her feelings, be told "his mother, his problem" and be disparaged for actually wanting to get along with her no matter the things she's said and done to me and my DH, because she is my husband's only Mother, and because I have love beating in my broken heart for her, there are already plenty of places I could go.

I came here because it was full of women who understood wanting to heal with family members instead of seeing them as adversaries.  Especially with some MILs here, I felt pain the MILs feel, I so much wanted to help them heal and feel love from their families, I shared in their tears and their joys.  To me, at times, it felt like surrogate MILs.  I work with a lot of young people, my MIL is not talking to me right now, and wise women are just the salve I needed.  Reading here has gotten me through some of my darkest hours.

To think hard about my MIL the last few days, come here and instead of reading about ways to heal or love or even learning - we see some other site's disparaging hate speech.  Pages of it.  Multiple threads of it.  Just like everywhere else.

If this was actually a WWU admin who wanted to create this change for this site, to me it just doesn't seem to flow with that upper right hand corner.
I get all people and places evolve and change.  This is the internet,  I was a bit naive to expect this to remain a cozy loving place for long.

But I truly don't understand why they'd want to do that to this place, of all places.  I just don't get it.

Title: Re: Why the disrespect?
Post by: cocobars on April 13, 2010, 09:24:50 PM
The fact remains.  This is a Wise Women site - no longer a MIL site.  We are all here to heal.  Why are we doing this?  As MIL's we need the input of these DIL's as much as they need ours.

I just don't understand anymore... 
Title: Re: Why the disrespect?
Post by: 2chickiebaby on April 13, 2010, 09:25:46 PM
Isitme, you have always been one of my favorites and always kind to me.  I hope you don't fall out of favor with the others
because I said that.  :)  I do not and have not said that you were all horrible, ever.

If what I did causes me to have to leave and this is not the place for me, so be it.  Luise has asked me a million times not
to go there and I did it again.  The postings were horrible and I told them to think of what they were saying, that we are
Mothers.  That's their
place and I should not have gone there.  I can no longer apologize for it...it's getting ridiculous now. 

The women who are giving me life lessons on here are far worse than anything I said over there.  They knew it was me
all along...I watched them over there post my screen name and call me everything in the book.  I could tell (they say
they know me from my writing style)  They detest me so they showed up here to tell me off and PM each other to do the
gang bang on me. 




Title: Re: Why the disrespect?
Post by: cocobars on April 13, 2010, 09:28:43 PM
Chickie, where do you think I went when I left here?  I went there.  There are not stories I read about you.  Nobody is gangbanging.  I was really quite impressed with some of the posts telling the posters on that site to leave us alone...
Title: Re: Why the disrespect?
Post by: cocobars on April 13, 2010, 09:31:29 PM
Has anyone thought about what Luise is going through?  Has anyone posted just for her?
Title: Re: Why the disrespect?
Post by: 2chickiebaby on April 13, 2010, 09:34:47 PM
I'm glad they made you happy, Coco...


Quote from: coco on April 13, 2010, 09:28:43 PM
Chickie, where do you think I went when I left here?  I went there.  There are not stories I read about you.  Nobody is gangbanging.  I was really quite impressed with some of the posts telling the posters on that site to leave us alone...
Title: Re: Why the disrespect?
Post by: cocobars on April 13, 2010, 09:43:29 PM
"THEY" didn't make me happy.  I was curious and found that what I had heard wasn't true.  They are doing the same thing there, we are here.   If we continue to hate them for hurting, while they are affording us some dignity, where will this site end up?
Title: Re: Why the disrespect?
Post by: Postscript on April 13, 2010, 09:45:05 PM
I watched them over there post my screen name and call me everything in the book.  We also didn't "gang bang" anyone, do you actually know what that term means? What on earth makes you think we did? Because we all had a similar reaction to what you did?

Speaking only for myself, I didn't out you over there, I didn't want or need to.  I've also not said anything rude or called you names on either site.  I just want to know why you stirred up this hornets nest like everyone else does.

Feel free to ignore and condemn me.  It's probably easier.

Coco it's good to see you! 

Luise I am sorry.
Title: Re: Why the disrespect?
Post by: isitme? on April 13, 2010, 09:46:04 PM
Hi chickie,
You know, I was thinking about this and how it all came about.  I know you felt you had legitimate questions that you wanted to bring to the other site, but it did sound a little to me like when you were addressing those women, you were projecting your own negative feelings about your DILs onto them.  And in turn, they projected all their negative feelings about their MILs right back at you.  I actually read through some of those comments before they got deleted and many of them were quite harsh.  but some of those DILs also tried to understand where you wre coming from and respectfully tried to explain why/how they disagree.  But it might have gotten lost in the whole inflammatory tone of the thread... which is a shame really.  i think some of them might have really wanted to try and help you.

I agree, I think this whole thing has gotten ridiculous at this point and I hate to think of Luise having to think about this right now when she has so many other things on her mind.  I hope we're all able to learn a few lessons from this - on both sites.  Let's all keep respecting each other and make sure we're not lumping all DILs or MILs into one category.  Many of you here are here because you've had some rough experiences with your DILs... and the DILs here are here to provide you with some perspective and also (at least for me), to get some occasional advice/feedback and reassure ourselves that WE are not horror DILs like this. 

Likewise, on the other site, those women are struggling because they got stuck with the bad MILs.... and I think they reacted the way they did because they are sick of being blamed (often wrongly) for everything by their MILs and then they felt like one more came in and did.  so that might have reinforced some of their views that all MILs are the same.  which is going to hurt them in the long run too.    Like I said before, this whole thing has made me very sad.  but i certainly feel like I have learned from this.

Coco, it's nice to hear from you too.  I know a lot of people have been thinking of you here (me included) and hoping everything was okay.  I understand your frustration... I think others of us have felt it here as well.  I'm hoping things will get better again.   :)
Title: Re: Why the disrespect?
Post by: cocobars on April 13, 2010, 09:54:26 PM
Thanks isitme, I do too.  -Hope it will get better again...
Title: Re: Why the disrespect?
Post by: 2chickiebaby on April 13, 2010, 09:56:01 PM
I've never condemned you, Postscript...but yes, they did react to what I said with hatred, even calling up what I had
said in years past.  Calling me a liar. 

Title: Re: Why the disrespect?
Post by: Sassy on April 13, 2010, 09:59:53 PM
But why bring it all here?
Title: Re: Why the disrespect?
Post by: Postscript on April 13, 2010, 10:00:44 PM
I thought that they were talking about someone called Marylou from another site? Not you.

I just don't get it though, what were you looking for? 
Title: Re: Why the disrespect?
Post by: cocobars on April 13, 2010, 10:02:50 PM
This was such a good healing place and had such a supportive and understanding feeling just a month ago even.  Can everyone just take a breath, go to sleep on it and not come back in until we can all be "together" again?   Not tearing eachother apart?

I mean it.  Can we keep the special place we have?
Title: Re: Why the disrespect?
Post by: Postscript on April 13, 2010, 10:07:02 PM
Sorry Coco, my insatiable need to understand sometimes knows no bounds.  I'll cool my jets.
Title: Re: Why the disrespect?
Post by: cocobars on April 13, 2010, 10:10:33 PM
Thank you Postscript!  Open minds anyone?
Title: Re: Why the disrespect?
Post by: mh2010 on April 14, 2010, 10:51:11 AM
Quote from: Sassy on April 13, 2010, 07:12:09 PM
I am wondering why would someone do what Luise has specifically asked us not to do to her site.

Why would someone desecrate this place by stirring up board wars on "hate sites" and intentionally bring their upsetting negativity over here?

I am shaking my head because it is so, so..... wrong.

Maybe it's just me, but reading what was done feels like a betrayal of Luise, and in some of her darkest hours.

I can't understand why.

Please, out of respect for Luise and those of us who prefer to avoid needless drama and instead seek solace and safety here .... please stop.

Please.

I used to post here a long time ago but left for a few different reasons.  I most likely will not post anymore after this.  I haven't even read this blog for about six week but was not shocked when I came back and saw all of this hooplaw.

I'm sure I'm going to hurt some feelings but I'm going to be frank and let everyone else ponder what I'm about to say.  I agree with someone who said that 99% of the ladies and gentlemen on this site are great and really do want to work on their IL issues, which I think is very productive.  Please remember that it only takes one to upset the balance.

I started reading this blog a few weeks or months after its inception.  I have seen Luise ask numerous times for posters not to bring stuff from other blogs over here just grip about what that "other" site is  talking about.  That other "site" will immediately take down any comments their posters make about this site.  Is everyone aware of that??

In my recent research into behavior, while trying to understand my IL issues.  I have learned about various different personalites.  And there are people who love attention and will do whatever needed to keep or get the attention back onto them.  They will sometimes even cause chaos to get and  keep the attention on them.  Bad attention is better  than no attention after all for some.  And then sometimes this chaos will give them an oppunrtunity to play the victim role and be the center of attention again so that they can feel good again.  Then if everyone finds out that this person caused the chaos then the person feels threatened and may apologize profusely or they may try to justify why they did what they did.

First I'm no expert but over the several months that I've watched this blog or even posted I have seen this attention grab happen a few times.  What better way to get people to give you attention than to occasionally mention that you're on the verge of suicide (in so many words). 

After I stopped posting a while back I noticed an exchange between posters that was quite interesting.  One poster had had some wonderful news and found out that they were having another grandchild.  Many of the other posters immediately started congratulating her and the post ended up being very upbeat until one poster chimed in and started talking about how she's so blue again she feels suicidal again (in so many words).  What a crafty way to take the attention away from the original poster who was trying to share her happy news.  The post then turned into a "Oh I'm so sorry, what can we do for you" to the poster who changed the dynamic.  Why couldn't this sad poster start a new thread.  My answer:  she didn't like the attention that original poster was getting and had to get the focus back on her.  Doesn't anyone notice these tactics that are being used by a poster here???

And then last  but not least is the situation going on now.  Who as of late has been such a massive amount attention b/c of a personal tragedy??  Luise.  Luise has been going through such a personal and painful trial and needed everyone's love and support.  And most everyone this site has been wonderful and given that to her.  But for one poster maybe that love and support for Luise was lasting a little too long.  And this poster was upset yet again b/c the attention was not on her at all.  So this poster must create a drama or chaos to get the attention off of poor Luise  to shift everyone's attention and focus back onto this poster's problems and HER devastation.

I will try not to post again, but I hope and pray that some of you can see this pattern of behavior from this poster.  There is one and only one poster that seems to be upsetting the balance of this site. 

I hope before some of you might get angry, please be willing to ponder what I have said.  Best Wishes.
Title: Re: Why the disrespect?
Post by: Meryl on April 15, 2010, 02:22:06 PM
Very interesting post mh2010. I didn't make the connection before about the attention seeking behaviors until you pointed out. This situation certainly brought a lot of attention! I don't think there is any insight into this behavior, and it probably carries over into real life and the family relationships.

Food for thought...

Meryl :)
Title: Re: Why the disrespect?
Post by: Enough on April 17, 2010, 10:16:15 AM
I just realized I put this in the wrong topic.

Apologies
Title: Re: Why the disrespect?
Post by: Hope on April 17, 2010, 10:25:49 AM
Quote from: isitme? on April 13, 2010, 09:46:04 PM
Coco, it's nice to hear from you too.  I know a lot of people have been thinking of you here (me included) and hoping everything was okay.  I understand your frustration... I think others of us have felt it here as well.  I'm hoping things will get better again.   :)

Coco, your voice is very important to us.  Please stay in touch.  We love you.
Hope