WiseWomenUnite.com

General Category => Grab Bag => Topic started by: mom2 on December 25, 2009, 07:18:41 PM

Title: Did everone survive Christmas ?
Post by: mom2 on December 25, 2009, 07:18:41 PM
We, as most of you know, went to our ds/dils house. The evening only lasted a couple hours but that's okay by me.
Dil and son were friendly enough and I tried to go out of my way to be nice and thankful that we were even included in the holiday ; when we left I told dil ' thanks for having us and that all the food was good ( which it was ).


It just makes me sad that I can never really say it was a  happy time and I really enjoyed myself... did enjoy my GS though.

This sort of puts a new topic in my head that I hope I can get some feedback from ( I will start it )... I hope all of you survived Christmas.

Title: Re: Did everone survive Christmas ?
Post by: Pen on December 25, 2009, 10:36:51 PM
Thanks for asking, mom2, and I totally understand your sadness even though your day wasn't a disaster. Yes, we too had a pleasant enough day with DS & DIL. She was kind and helpful, which she's been the last two times we've been with them. I'm grateful they could share the day, and DS was very pleased even though I was so exhausted from dealing with work and other emergencies the past couple of weeks (months, actually) that I didn't put my usual oomph into it. Her family has more time and money to spend doing everything just right. We get Christmas Day every other year; they get that plus every Christmas Eve and a trip to someplace special the week after. The 'good me' is filled with gratitude for the time I do get to spend with DS & DIL; the 'bratty me' wants to stomp my foot and yell "But it's not FAIR!" It's not fair that after all the effort we gladly put into childrearing we get the short end just because we aren't as well off and we happened to have a married DS instead of a married DD.

However, after reading everyone's heartbreaking stories here, I know it could be a million times worse. I think for the time being I'll be grateful and happy that our day went well. Also, I will continue to hope and pray that we all gain more equal, yet appropriate, footing in our son's lives.
Title: Re: Did everone survive Christmas ?
Post by: AnnieB on December 26, 2009, 01:02:50 PM
Survived.

Xmas is just not the same but you all know that.

My 18 yr old and my mother did Xmas morning at my house.  Talked to 1st son and his wife (who hates me) via Skype.  She was nice because my mother was present, God forbid she appear unpleasant around my 82 year old mother (who knows absolutely nothing of the conflict).

Afternoon, my 18 yr old wanted to see his second brother, who was an hour and a half away at his wife's family.

My 2nd son had asked if we wanted to spend Xmas morning with them at his wife's family's ...I'd said no, as I  really didn't want to pile all of our presents and go over there with my mother in tow.. and you know, it can be a bit odd watching and comparing gifts and all that with people you don't know that well, them in their pj's at 9:00 a.m. (because g.s. had to leave at noon to go with his dad).... oi.

We have arranged to do a second xmas gift exchange at my house New Year's Eve day, when gs will be present.  No big deal, I just thought it would be nice to have our own time, too.  (Last year they spent xmas with my son's "other" family, my ex and his wife and all some 500 miles away).

Son told me DIL's mother was very disappointed we weren't coming, that she'd bought gifts for us etc.  So, when my youngest asked if we could see them, I said call and see -- he called his brother who said, sure, come on but don't bring gifts because we're doing NY's day exchange.  I thought that was odd... I had been the one insisting on that and had no plans on bringing presents, we still are doing NY's day and anyway, g.s. was gone.

But I did bring the gifts for my DIL's mother, father and sibling since my son had said his MIL had bought gifts for us -- nothing big, some little gifts though individually selected for them, wrapped with their names on them.

Got there after our 1 1/2 hour drive.  It was nice but when the other MIL saw I had gifts, she whispered (I heard) to her other child to go into the den and get one of the gifts that has xmas wrap on it.  Hmmmm. 

Kind of embarassing.  She hadn't bought any gifts -- I got a box of pre-bought, wrapped in the store candy.

Not complaining at all -- that's fine.  But I think it was embarassing for her.  It sounds to me like my son kind of fibbed about the presents in an attempt to get us to come.   I am thinking this is because he wanted us there (which is nice) but we probably really weren't invited (though we were welcome)....

It's all so strange, this being a mother of sons.   My DIL and her mother are very close -- my son and his family spent Xmas eve there, and Xmas day -- then today, he went home to their house while DIL went out shopping with her mother.    I think he may be suffering from societal judgments men get who are good sons, close to their mothers.... they are "mama's boys" and seen as weak... though I also think we are the ones who have made them good husbands and fathers.

I posted an article in the references section that says something about this.

So, I am watching son #2 drift away.  Yes, I know we give them up, cut the strings, etc.  It's just ironic that it is OK for the MIL of the daughters to still have a family, while those of us with sons may as well go lay down and die.

Oh... and I also found out that the meds I am taking (anti-seizure) can cause suicidal thinking, which may explain why I have been struggling with suicidal thinking.  The only thing that keeps me walking among us is my 18 year old -- I wouldn't do that to him, suicide is a terrible thing to leave on your children.  But once he's married, I don't know what will stop me if all 3 of my sons find they have to reject me totally.   I just don't understand why there isn't some "honor thy mother" stuff in there.  I don't want to live with my sons, I don't want to be part of their every day life.  I just don't want to be tossed out with the garbage.

I think I need to go do something now to cheer myself up.    I am glad Christmas is over.  I don't look forward to Mother's Day.  :( 

Title: Re: Did everone survive Christmas ?
Post by: mom2 on December 26, 2009, 09:24:47 PM
Anna,

Sounds so great that you had a good time.. and pearls .. you go mom !!
I am going to be hopeful with you and for you !!
Title: Re: Did everone survive Christmas ?
Post by: mom2 on December 26, 2009, 09:40:39 PM
Oh No AnnieB... please don't ever do that and remember , even if it's via computer screen we all love you very much and you are not in this battle alone..
I can understand how these disrespectful adult children can make you feel that way though.

I decided to make my hoidays what I want them to be and if ds/dil want to see me it's okay and if they don't it's okay too ( sad but it's okay).
Title: Re: Did everone survive Christmas ?
Post by: mom2 on December 26, 2009, 09:50:10 PM
Penstamen,

The posts I have read so far all seem to say that Christmas was okay but not what we mothers would like it to be or what it used to be. That's okay.

I don't think it will ever be what it once was to us ( after all this has happened ).

I know about the wealthy part too.. hard to compete with that b/c we never seem to measure up... our dil is very high hatted and only wants the most expensive and the best of everything and since I can't provide those kinds of things, I don't give anything alot of times ( referring to gifts ). It has to be high quality in everything.

Glad you survived Christmas  :)
Title: Re: Did everone survive Christmas ?
Post by: Pen on December 26, 2009, 10:11:03 PM
Mom2, re-reading my post now I think I sounded like I meant that the heartbreaking posts "here" were the ones on this topic about how we survived Christmas...I should have said "the heartbreaking posts on this site generally."

It does sound like things were mostly OK and not disastrous. Not our ideal, but OK. I'm glad you survived, too!
Title: Re: Did everone survive Christmas ?
Post by: RedRose on December 27, 2009, 05:58:40 AM
My Christmas Eve was really good...spent most of the day at my daughter's house, her husband cooked a delicious meal. My son, dil and grandchildren were also there. I loved watching everyone open their gifts. It was a good time.  Christmas Day was OK. My children went to their in-laws homes and my husband and I went to my brothers house. We had a wonderful time there too..we did a lot of reminiscing....

AnnieB,
I am so concerned about you!
Nothing is worth taking your life for.
Life is so precious...talk to us about everything...We Will Help You!
Title: Re: Did everone survive Christmas ?
Post by: AnnieB on December 27, 2009, 09:35:50 AM
thank you RedRose, Anna, Mom2....

I'm sorry to sound like such a drama queen, I swear, it's largely the #@$* medication  (Zonisamide).... I used to take Phenobaritol, but it's a depressant too....  daggone,   choices ... seizures ~ thoughts of suicide... seizures ~ thoughts of suicide...  I feel like a lunatic.  I am going to call my epilepsy doc and see if there is anything he can prescribe to offset this because it gets scary.    I have moments (like now) where I know this makes no sense, and then moments where i am planning with some frighteningly detail my suicide in 5 years when my youngest is out of college.   Lun-a-tic.    I am also keeping a journal, trying to see if there is something that triggers this.  Hard to tell, my sleep pattern is also nuts, though I don't spend it in agony, I'm usually working (so I guess I'm in some kind of manic-depressive mode, oh great).    The holidays don't help, and any incident can set me spinning.

I was staying away from here, because sometimes reading the depressing news was setting me off, but evidently it doesn't matter and being here seems better than being away.

Won't run off and do anything rash;  somehow my mind is logical about it in terms of I need to get my affairs in order, not wanting to burden my offspring.   I need to get rid of a lot of my things which will take a long time, and my youngest needs to be done with college, which won't happen til 2014 or 15. 

I really think a lot of this is a reaction to the meds, only been taking them a couple of years... gadz.  I feel like I'm being attacked because I have no idea what is going to set me off again.

:(
Title: Re: Did everone survive Christmas ?
Post by: Pen on December 27, 2009, 11:21:58 AM
Your doc needs to know now, dear sweet AnnieB. Do not wait to get in there! We love you.
Title: Re: Did everone survive Christmas ?
Post by: SunnyDays09 on December 27, 2009, 12:15:58 PM
Hi there everyone!!

   Christmas was wonderful.  We did the inlaw thing on the 23rd - driving in some of the worst winter/ice weather so far.  But  I  dont care about that at all.

   My dh, dd and I had a great Christmas Eve and Day when we opened our gifts. 

  We decided this year to pull the monies somewhat, and purchase a nice new treadmill that I am looking at in sixty zillion parts/pieces all over the family room floor; contemplating whether I should give her a go and put the thing together myself?
  Only prob it weighs more than my DH!!  LOL. 

   Maybe I'll tinker and see what I can do, later!

   Dinner on Christmas was awesome.  Marinated Filet Mignon, glazed baby potatoes, fresh steamed asparagus and some awesome GF(gluten free) rolls.  To drink, a spirited but light;  Petite Sirah by Bogle--my most favorite. 

  But I had no dessert!   Darnit.  So, I open up a package of organic choc chip cookies and put a fresh pot of coffee on and sit there amidst the wonder. Then opened up some Cupcake wine, which was also pretty good. 

  I felt so at peace and for awhile everything was perfect!  Thank you Lord. 

Today I took the real tree down in the LR, the needles are freekin everywhere!!  And need to take the faux tree down in the family room, but here I sit!   ;D



Title: Re: Did everone survive Christmas ?
Post by: 2chickiebaby on December 27, 2009, 03:33:05 PM
Dear AnnieB....please, please, please, just know that this will pass...it will!!  Christmas and all that comes with it triggers all kinds of heartbreak for us..   This will pass.  Keep writing and keep with us.   Let the thoughts happen, let them go through you and know that they are only thoughts and will pass.  Easy for me to say but I've been there and I know.

(huge hugs)
Title: Re: Did everone survive Christmas ?
Post by: Invisible on December 27, 2009, 04:07:57 PM
Well thank God I made it through one more Christmas. Several weeks before Christmas I dropped off gifts to my DIL and GD. I have never seen my GD on Christmas or any other holiday for that matter. However, I am allow to drop gifts off. That is the end of my Christmas. I do my best to stay out of the stores and play like it is just another day. The music tears at my heart. I am always glad when the day is over.
Title: Re: Did everone survive Christmas ?
Post by: 2chickiebaby on December 27, 2009, 04:09:06 PM
Christmas was fine...we enjoyed it.  I decided to let it just happen....nothing I can do about it anyway.  So whatever they did was okay with me.  I'm terribly glad it's over!!!

I didn't say a lot but enjoyed the kids and focused on them.  It does make a difference.  This time of year is awful and if it came more often, I just couldn't stand it!!
Title: Re: Did everone survive Christmas ?
Post by: SunnyDays09 on December 28, 2009, 12:09:55 PM
Quote from: Invisible on December 27, 2009, 04:07:57 PM
Well thank God I made it through one more Christmas. Several weeks before Christmas I dropped off gifts to my DIL and GD. I have never seen my GD on Christmas or any other holiday for that matter. However, I am allow to drop gifts off. That is the end of my Christmas. I do my best to stay out of the stores and play like it is just another day. The music tears at my heart. I am always glad when the day is over.

I haven't seen my two grandchildren either.  I take comfort knowing there are many that have not.   
   The music has a different affect on me, I just cannot stand it.  Seems to be the same in all of the stores and just gets monotonous.  It's over.  Let's think SPRING!!!
Title: Re: Did everone survive Christmas ?
Post by: 2chickiebaby on December 28, 2009, 05:30:55 PM
I coudnt' agree more...no sweeter love than a Grandmother.  They do love you and you don't need to be perfect.  They think you are perfect!
Title: Re: Did everone survive Christmas ?
Post by: greeneyes100 on December 28, 2009, 06:53:59 PM
I help the disadvantaged on Christmas Day.  I dont see my children, I see people who are worse off then me, with more problems than me so I am glad I can help them smile on Christmas Day and the warmth and appreciation I get is beautiful for my soul.
Title: Re: Did everone survive Christmas ?
Post by: 2chickiebaby on December 28, 2009, 07:10:21 PM
You're a good lady, Greeneyes....turning lemons into lemonade :)
Title: Re: Did everone survive Christmas ?
Post by: greeneyes100 on December 28, 2009, 07:33:11 PM
thanks  I find it helps
Title: Re: Did everone survive Christmas ?
Post by: Pen on December 28, 2009, 08:15:20 PM
I like Greeneyes way of dealing with the holidays. There are people who appreciate the love we have to share; why not put our efforts towards them rather than towards those who don't appreciate us?

Looking ahead, I can see that there may be a time when my arms will ache with the desire to hold a grandchild. If that's not possible for whatever reason, I will volunteer at a hospital - when my DD was a baby she was hospitalized for awhile and when my friends came in to visit us, the nurses would hand them babies to rock. The closeness to a normal heartbeat helped the little ones regulate their own rhythms. One of the infants was a 'drug baby' who stole the heart of my dear friend. I think she came every day just to rock him :) I don't know if hospitals still do this, but if they do, I'll be there.

Happy Days, I must say the Bogle Petit Syrah is one of my all-time faves, too. I'm GF as well...small world!
Title: Re: Did everone survive Christmas ?
Post by: SunnyDays09 on December 29, 2009, 09:44:30 AM
Quote from: penstamen on December 28, 2009, 08:15:20 PM
I like Greeneyes way of dealing with the holidays. There are people who appreciate the love we have to share; why not put our efforts towards them rather than towards those who don't appreciate us?

Looking ahead, I can see that there may be a time when my arms will ache with the desire to hold a grandchild. If that's not possible for whatever reason, I will volunteer at a hospital - when my DD was a baby she was hospitalized for awhile and when my friends came in to visit us, the nurses would hand them babies to rock. The closeness to a normal heartbeat helped the little ones regulate their own rhythms. One of the infants was a 'drug baby' who stole the heart of my dear friend. I think she came every day just to rock him :) I don't know if hospitals still do this, but if they do, I'll be there.

Happy Days, I must say the Bogle Petit Syrah is one of my all-time faves, too. I'm GF as well...small world!
You said a mouthful.  Not just during the Holidays but all the time?  I would not want to force anyone to HAVE to spend time with me and/or my family out of some obligation.  Which, that is what it seemed all the time *with them.  So NO MORE. 
   No more unhappy.  Unsmiling faces because of me.  Who wants that?

  As for the gluten free, Thanksgiving was gf too and no one missed it at all.  From the stuffing, to the cornbread rolls and the pumpkie spice bread - all terrific.  Oh, even the base for the gravy was GF.  A bit more costly to make, but easier on everyone.   ;)


   
Title: Re: Did everone survive Christmas ?
Post by: greeneyes100 on December 29, 2009, 05:04:06 PM
thanks Happydays. Included in my goals for 2010 is giving some of my time to the less fortunate. In Aussie the hospitals are always looking for a loving hand, a warm heart and a smile for the little ones and the elderly so this is a priority for me. I will now give to those most in need.
Title: Re: Did everone survive Christmas ?
Post by: Pen on December 29, 2009, 05:15:14 PM
Good on you, Greeneyes! What a loving, giving spirit you project...food for thought for the rest of us.

HappyDays, as for obligations, I really really dislike pity invites and will avoid them at all costs. It would be good to have 'a previous engagement' with those in need scheduled! I'm definitely looking into it.


And speaking of food, we're not only GF, but have some CF (casein/dairy-free) family members, too. Whew! It gets a little crazy trying to make everyone's traditional faves, but I conquered pumpkin pie this Thanksgiving, yay!! Even very picky DIL, who fortunately doesn't have food allergies, was satisfied. This Christmas we also managed nicely, with compliments to the chef (me.) Now if only I can invent a rice-based phyllo dough for baklava :)

Title: Re: Did everone survive Christmas ?
Post by: Invisible on December 30, 2009, 07:22:25 AM
I have thought of helping the disadvantaged. Maybe another year. It has only been 27 months since my son died and I am still grieving. I must admit part of the grieving process is anger and reclusive tendency. I tend to protect myself from callous and or unkind remarks. Maybe some year I will feel stronger. It is a wonderful thing you are doing.

Quote from: greeneyes100 on December 28, 2009, 06:53:59 PM
I help the disadvantaged on Christmas Day.  I dont see my children, I see people who are worse off then me, with more problems than me so I am glad I can help them smile on Christmas Day and the warmth and appreciation I get is beautiful for my soul.
Title: Re: Did everone survive Christmas ?
Post by: 2chickiebaby on December 30, 2009, 07:27:47 AM
Dear Invisible,
All that you've been through just breaks my heart.  We will be here for you.  God Bless You..many, many future blessings!!
Title: Re: Did everone survive Christmas ?
Post by: Invisible on December 30, 2009, 07:31:34 AM
Happy Days,
Yes, I knew some would understand. I am in good company...others who know and understand what I am going through. The only thing in life we can count on is change. Nothing remains the same. No situation will remain constant.

I wish you the best in 2010.


Quote from: HappyDays09 on December 28, 2009, 12:09:55 PM
Quote from: Invisible on December 27, 2009, 04:07:57 PM
Well thank God I made it through one more Christmas. Several weeks before Christmas I dropped off gifts to my DIL and GD. I have never seen my GD on Christmas or any other holiday for that matter. However, I am allow to drop gifts off. That is the end of my Christmas. I do my best to stay out of the stores and play like it is just another day. The music tears at my heart. I am always glad when the day is over.

I haven't seen my two grandchildren either.  I take comfort knowing there are many that have not.   
   The music has a different affect on me, I just cannot stand it.  Seems to be the same in all of the stores and just gets monotonous.  It's over.  Let's think SPRING!!!
Title: Re: Did everone survive Christmas ?
Post by: just2baccepted on December 30, 2009, 11:57:55 AM
Barely.  We had a major snow storm.  I knew it was coming but my DH drove me down to gym just in case it did start.  I worked out for about an hour and by then we ran down to Wal-Mart.  Boy was that a mistake.  It was blowing snow and there were times when we were driving back to house that we had to practically stop in the road b/c we couldnt' see in front of us.  Then we snowed in for Christmas and didn't see anyone.  We sat around and ate the turkey and fixings I made and watched movies that we rented.
Title: Re: Did everone survive Christmas ?
Post by: Invisible on December 30, 2009, 04:53:41 PM
2 Chickie,
Thanks for your kindness and continued understanding. I hope you have a great 2010... We all deserve a healthy dose of blessings for 2010....

Quote from: 2chickiebaby on December 30, 2009, 07:27:47 AM
Dear Invisible,
All that you've been through just breaks my heart.  We will be here for you.  God Bless You..many, many future blessings!!
Title: Re: Did everone survive Christmas ?
Post by: 2chickiebaby on December 30, 2009, 04:56:55 PM
Especially to you, Invisible...great blessings in 2010.  I'm expecting good things. :)
Title: Re: Did everone survive Christmas ?
Post by: mom2 on December 30, 2009, 06:31:54 PM
. It has only been 27 months since my son died and I am still grieving

Invisible,

Seeing this makes me feel so guilty for ever complaining; seems like I have no problems compared to what has happened to you.. my heart is with you.