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General Category => Grab Bag => Topic started by: 2chickiebaby on November 22, 2009, 04:47:58 AM

Title: After Thanksgiving
Post by: 2chickiebaby on November 22, 2009, 04:47:58 AM
Here's a place to report "after Thanksgiving".  How it went and what you felt. 

Here's hoping for all of us that all our reports will be good ones.  If not, we'll try again for Christmas. :)
Title: Re: After Thanksgiving
Post by: luise.volta on November 22, 2009, 05:26:57 AM
What a loving post, CB...creating a soft spot for all of us to land, if we so wish. I am so thankful for you and what you have brought to this site since you posted the very first entry way back when.  :)

I have complicated the complicated by falling on Friday and spraining my ankle. Was walking our little dog around our fourplex when he started to run. I thought that was wonderful because he is  old and unwell. You know the rest...I tripped over a gust of wind...I guess. I'm getting around, crab-like.

So, I'll report on Thanksgiving from that impressive and lofty beginning...

Sending love to everyone.
Title: Re: After Thanksgiving
Post by: 2chickiebaby on November 22, 2009, 06:20:09 AM
You're sure welcome, Luise....I knew there was a huge market for all of us on this site and it is true.  Thanks for putting my hope into action.

I'm terribly sorry you fell.....spraining ankles is very painful.  As we age, it is more and more painful to hurt ourselves.  I don't know why that is but it is.  What a bad thing to happen in the middle of all you're going through.  Seems like something like this follows us when we're deep in thought about something else. 

Sending wonderul thoughts your way for a speedy recovery.... :)  Hope you're sweet dog is okay too..they are people in disguise, you know.  They are just nicer many times than people, I think.  :)
Title: Re: After Thanksgiving
Post by: Pen on November 22, 2009, 08:34:35 AM
Luise, this ankle thing is a sign that you should put your feet up and rest :) Best wishes on a speedy recovery, though, because we all know you have a lot to take care of.

Chickie, I can't wait to hear about everyone's holidays! Here's hoping they go better than expected.

We're picking up our DDD this afternoon, excited to have her for the week. She may want to participate in activities we've planned, but maybe not. Flexibility is key here. We'll catch up with our dis-invited friends after Thanksgiving. I'm working on the box that gets sent to faraway relatives, and the spirit is kickin' in. Christmas, bring it on!
Title: Re: After Thanksgiving
Post by: 2chickiebaby on November 22, 2009, 11:32:51 AM
Oh, I hope all goes well for you!  I hope the situation is, after all is over, not as bad as we feared!!  That's all we can hope for.   

I'm sitting here typing and dreading seeing "them"...I just can't help myself.  I'm ordered to be myself.  OH MY GOSH!  I am liked everywhere but with them!  It really hurts me.  They make me feel bad about myself. 

Hoping the best for all of us. :)

I saw someone I had not seen in awhile, she's old than I am.  She grabbed me really tight and said, "my husband has Dementia"   I immediately thought of you, Luise.  She is not handling it well, she told me.  She said it is SO hard.  She said he was told to retire early and that threw him into a depression and that's when it started.  Poor thing!
Title: Re: After Thanksgiving
Post by: luise.volta on November 22, 2009, 01:42:01 PM
Thank you one and all...I really appreciate the love poured out here! Healing stuff!!  ;D

And yes, a loved one being diagnosed with dementia is pretty sobering. Everything changes...and changes...and changes...and changes. It's very hard to keep up with; much less get ahead of.
Title: Re: After Thanksgiving
Post by: mom2 on November 22, 2009, 04:49:46 PM
Luise,

So sorry, that on top of everything else, you hurt your ankle ( when it rains it pours ) Hope you are well soon and best wishes to your DH too.

Happy Thanksgiving !!!
Title: Re: After Thanksgiving
Post by: just2baccepted on November 22, 2009, 09:06:20 PM
I'm sorry about that ankle.  I twisted mine today as well but it was just because I stepped wrong off a thick rug we have and my slipper just happen to be coming off my foot as well so bad combo.  I hope you keep your feet up and keep some ice on it.
Title: Re: After Thanksgiving
Post by: luise.volta on November 23, 2009, 06:07:14 AM
J2B - Ouch! And yes, I have done and am doing those things.  ;D
Title: Re: After Thanksgiving
Post by: mom2 on November 26, 2009, 04:40:06 PM
Here's a place to report "after Thanksgiving".  How it went and what you felt.

Hi everyone !

Looks like I am the first to report but I do have good news !

I was told that dil's family cooked Thanksgiving too but they chose to eat here ( and even invited themselves ) our son said that our house would be the only place they would be eating today.. don't know why but I was the winner this year and I didn't question it..

They ( ds/dil ) had already told me that they were going to be making rounds to her family after leaving here ( to visit ) so  they only stayed a few hours ; I understand that totally and besides it is nice that me and my hubby have had all evening to just relax.

DS was friendly and even did a lot of laughing and smiling ( he seemed to be in happy spirits and acted like himself for once.) DIL was sort of quiet but friendly; I don't think her and I actually talked one on one but that's okay. Grandson was sure happy to see his Grandma and Papa; he was also very pleased with the kid friendly foods I fixed just for him and his words were "Awesome grandma !". DS and Dil thanked me and complimented the food more than once.

I just focused on loving them and being grateful that we could spend some time together. I didn't stress and just let the cards fall where they may.

It was a nice day but there have been good days  in the past as well .. they( ds/dil do  have a pattern of being fine one minute and ready to slug it out the next.. so who knows.

I can't wait to read all your stories and I do hope they are good ones !

One holiday down and one to go !
Title: Re: After Thanksgiving
Post by: AnnieB on November 26, 2009, 05:33:33 PM
As expected, we had a lovely Thanksgiving!  With my mother and youngest son, we were invited to my dil's family's.  I made pies, they made the rest.... lots of good food, good company, fun and more.... :)

My first son and wife are overseas and don't celebrate Thanksgiving -- we are supposed to Skype on Saturday.  That will be our first Skype since this all happened, no idea if a) it will happen b) if his wife will be present and if she is c) if she will converse with me.    Mostly he wants to talk to my youngest, who is looking at colleges....   we'll see.

But Thanksgiving was great!
Title: Re: After Thanksgiving
Post by: 2chickiebaby on November 26, 2009, 05:52:23 PM
Here's my report:  Overall, it was good, not great, but okay. Distant DIL was herself, which was neither good nor bad.  She is just strange but then again, so is son!

They came by here on Wed., which went as well as it could go.  Then, we went to other son's for Thanksgiving and they are spending the night there, which makes me feel good.  The sons are together.

I could tell that close DIL was trying to engage distant DIL but she is hard to bring in. They taped a hilarious movie and we laughed till we cried  but DIL read a magazine.  No sense of humor.  Son laughed but she kept interupting him to bring him back into 'look at me' mode.

We enjoyed ourselves and for the first time I saw how screwy son is now. He just is.  They are odd ducks and I need to get used to it.  Their kids are great kids, though.  I'm so proud of that. 

So now it's on to Christmas and I have a feeling that it won't be as bad as this was for me. I'm getting more used to seeing them in a different way and won't be expecting anything. That way, I'll have no disappointments.  Sure.....I'll be a freakshow. 

This is not the thought I had about families but it is what it is.  Thanks to everyone on this board for listening.  I don't know what I'd do without you all.  Put a fork in me, I'm done. 
Title: Re: After Thanksgiving
Post by: mom2 on November 26, 2009, 08:25:20 PM
Chickie,

I used to , in the beginning, say dil was screwed up but I now say ' they are screwed  up ' and I see you do that too. By that I know that you are healing ( I am too ). We are learning to see that our sons have fault in this and learning to see them in a different light so maybe we can accept that.  The only thing with me is that even if I can accept who they are now I am not willing to disregard who I am for their sake. Does that sound all nuts ?

You remember.. you are not a freak.. they are. My Thanksgiving was good but one of the first phrases our son said , when he came in the house today , was her phrase and that makes me sick; I was thinking ' just act like yourself, not her ' but it did get better.
Title: Re: After Thanksgiving
Post by: Pen on November 26, 2009, 11:59:54 PM
So far so good! I'm really relieved to hear that nothing disastrous has happened to the early reporters, and I hope it's a sign that this was a successful holiday for all. Ours was not too bad. I followed good advice and was myself, made the day special for my family and me, and let the rest take care of itself. DS and DIL came to us after a major feast at her family's so they weren't able to fully appreciate the amazing meal DH and I put together :) But that was OK. The conversation had to directly relate to DIL or she pouted and got on her Blackberry. But that was OK. I was questioned by DIL about some of my life decisions, and even that was OK. She bragged about how much better her family is, and I didn't even react. I loved having my family together regardless of the added odd dynamic, and I loved seeing DS be himself with us. When they left I told my husband I thought it went well considering we weren't even sure DIL would come and he said, "She's just a rude, awful person. It's who she is. Who raised her?" which is a little joke since we'd just heard so much about her 'wonderful' family.
Title: Re: After Thanksgiving
Post by: 2chickiebaby on November 27, 2009, 04:20:41 AM
One thing I forgot to mention:  when we were over at close DILS and son's, eating, after the meal one of the kids got his feelings hurt over something, nothing we or the other kids did....I went to comfort him.  I hate to see kids get their feelings hurt.

Distant DIL said, "if you'll just shut up about it, he'll get over it. You bringing it up again doesn't help" (yes, thank you, you piece of work, you...that must have been where I went wrong in life)

The other thing was: "MY DAD IS SO HANDY.  HE CAN FIX ANYTHING!!!" (my husband is cannot cut his way out of a paper bag so that's where that came from)

Another thing:  Close DIL was talking about a family member of hers who said something that made her feel sad......Distant DIL chimes in: "he's trying to make you feel guilty and knows what he says will hurt you. He's trying to hurt you.  Get over it"  (thank you, Miss Empty Heart and no sympathy religious fanatic....that person just had two deaths in his family.   If you think God would treat that person like that, you have another think coming)

Another thing: "My Mom is making a dish that you people would never have"  (gee, thanks, no, we wouldn't fix that....we can't pronounce it)

No emotion, no empathy, no genuine caring, no feelings and no humor.....what we have here, ladies and gentleman, is a person from another world, not known to this one. What happened to the one who wined and dined me when son broke up with her?  Did she go underground?  Was never really there?  I guess so. Good Lord, another species!

Title: Re: After Thanksgiving
Post by: Pen on November 27, 2009, 06:58:39 AM
Well, our two certainly are from a different world. Not that there's anything wrong with it :)

Right now I feel I'll be able to handle whatever comes up as long as DS continues to stand up for himself and his family. He's already fighting for input on kids they don't even have yet!
Title: Re: After Thanksgiving
Post by: 2chickiebaby on November 27, 2009, 11:51:21 AM
Quote from: 2chickiebaby on November 27, 2009, 11:50:07 AM
If this hadn't happened to us, I'd think it was hilarious and should be made into a movie....

"Sybil....the untold story of how the multiple personalities come out at holidays"

not that there is anything wrong with mulitiple personalities :P

Title: Re: After Thanksgiving
Post by: SunnyDays09 on November 28, 2009, 11:39:28 AM
Went well - of course. 
   Just me, dd and husband (do the fur kids count?  lol)

   No looks, no remarks, no passive aggressive crap.  No whiney.  No upsets.  Just lots and lots of really good food.

   
Title: Re: After Thanksgiving
Post by: 2chickiebaby on November 28, 2009, 02:41:24 PM
Happy!  Where have you been??  You left us alone to fight the battles! Get yourself back here.  Yes, the fur ones count.  They are nicer than people. 
Title: Re: After Thanksgiving
Post by: mom2 on November 28, 2009, 08:37:21 PM
Happy,

The furry ones are the best ( I have two furry daughters )... they have loved me unconditionally through all this craziness.

Happy to see you had a nice Thanksgiving.
Title: Re: After Thanksgiving
Post by: AnnieB on November 28, 2009, 09:16:29 PM
Well, the skype phone call was uncomfortable, but such is life.  Talked with my son, watched my grandson who has grown a lot in the last 6 months.  DIL was visible.    They seem fine, so maybe all of this did something wherein he talked to her about how she talks about him in front of others.  She didn't speak to me and evidently still has not forgiven me. Whatever. Get over it.

I enjoyed seeing my son and gs.  But I realized how much this all has changed any relationship and how depressed I've been.  Need to work on that.   
Title: Re: After Thanksgiving
Post by: 2chickiebaby on November 29, 2009, 04:42:49 AM
AnnieB....it is extremely hard not to take this all personally.  It has driven me to the point of, .....I don't want to even express it!

When someone blatantly doesn't like you as a Mother and it involves your son's wife, it is just too close to home.  You can't help but take it personally. The wife's hatred and ignoring me has worked so well for her...it has just about destroyed me. 

Yesterday I wrote that I couldn't believe that I have allowed this screwed up woman to do this to me!! I still can't but it hurts still.  Others like me, why can't she?  This ignoring and sullenness is reserved just for his Mother. 

There is something wrong with son...he's so different; he's just like her.  I can't get over it and never will.  If he had to become anybody else, why her?  Why her?  The last person you'd want to become is her. 

Good wishes on this journey to you, AnnieB....I hope there is some peace coming soon.  :)
Title: Re: After Thanksgiving
Post by: mom2 on November 29, 2009, 08:49:18 PM
There is something wrong with son...he's so different; he's just like her

Isn't that so strange.. my son acts just like my dil too. He talks like her, uses her phrases, has her attitude, thinks he is better than others ( like she does ). My goodness.. I have even thought that he (ds ) is not as good looking as he used to be.. maybe he even looks like her, yes that's it !  He does ! I have often wondered why he didn't take her last name; he should.
Title: Re: After Thanksgiving
Post by: 2chickiebaby on November 30, 2009, 05:21:58 AM
I feel the same way, Mom....he should have taken HER last name.  I can't believe this!  It's so weird. 

How can a person live their life without any sense of humor?  Just marching, marching, "get it done".  Son was so funny!  What happened?  Just creepy.

Title: Re: After Thanksgiving
Post by: mom2 on November 30, 2009, 07:26:29 PM
Sorry CB.. that somehow got posted before I finished it. What I started to say was that I know what you mean when you say your son has changed so much. Mine has too. I am not kidding, he was such a joy to be around always laughing and making someone else laugh. He was not a push over either and stood up for himself. Not now.. I don't even know what he is. When we laugh or tell a  joke ( things we used to do all the time ) he will even look at us like we are nuts or something.
Strange isn't it ?

Title: Re: After Thanksgiving
Post by: 2chickiebaby on November 30, 2009, 07:44:08 PM
Very strange and heartbreaking.  Our son will not laugh like he did but if he slips, he does look at his wife to see if he can.  She wants no funny business.  It's dreadful; just sickening. 

I'm in such a pickle (Southern for "what should I do?) She wants her Christmas money and has picked out what she wants me to get the kids.  I don't want to deprive the kids their Christmas money, which I give her to get what they want. I do this because I am at the point where I don't know what they want.

I hate giving her a reward for being rude and totally disrespectful.  Could someone help me understand how to  get them (son and her) something too?  I don't want to do that.  How can I get out of it? 

I know I shouldn't be like that but this is like if I was a prisoner in a Nazi concentration camp and when I got out, after being operated on by Dr. Mengele, I got them a gift!

Duh....I don't think so!  I just can't do this tit for tat, though. I need to act like an adult here and do the right thing.  They don't, ever, though.  Makes it hard.

Should I give them a gift at Christmas?  I guess I could give them a lock of my hair....that should go over well.  :P    Yes, in a nice locket to wear around her neck.
Title: Re: After Thanksgiving
Post by: mom2 on November 30, 2009, 07:59:50 PM
Gosh Chickie, I don't know if you should get them a gift but they sure do not deserve one   I have often thought that if my ds got what he deserved ( after how I have been treated ) I would never speak to him or her again.. but I know God has cared for me when I am not deserving.  it's just not real logical when it's our children. Do they buy for you ? mine do but they go very cheap ( shows my worth huh ?).

You could  buy for the children but let them know that you have decided to not buy for the adults this year. I have done that in the past and let the adult children know that I felt a nice dinner together is enough ( but I don't even want to do that in light of everything ).  You are right, bad behavior should not be rewarded. 
Title: Re: After Thanksgiving
Post by: 2chickiebaby on November 30, 2009, 08:01:59 PM
No, they don't get us gifts....you have a point about saying I decided not to get gifts for the adults.

I'll give close DIL and son something.........they let me in their lives.  That's all I want. 
Title: Re: After Thanksgiving
Post by: Pen on November 30, 2009, 10:58:50 PM
Most of the moms I've compared notes with over the years have never been showered with Christmas gifts (one year when we went to my dad and stepmom's I got nothing, not one thing from anyone.) I started filling my own stocking so DH and kiddoes wouldn't be sad/embarrassed to have forgotten me, and I've been known to give myself an under-the-tree gift from Santa, too, since it freaked out the family when I had nothing to open :P  After a couple of years of that they got the point and started remembering me! DH spoils me now, but DS and DIL just phone it in (re-gift, or things that don't relate to me at all.) Before DS married he was a very thoughtful shopper, but he lets DIL do it now. I know they expect higher-end gifts from us, though!

As for your dilemma, Chickie, maybe you should give the grandkids an outing with you and your DH? Pack up a box with little items relating to the destination and then include a "coupon." (Hang onto any tickets or spending money until you're actually there.) How could DS/DIL say no to that without hearing about it from the kids? If DIL doesn't let them go with you, at least the kids will know you tried.
Title: Re: After Thanksgiving
Post by: AnnieB on December 01, 2009, 05:09:24 AM
hmmm...

well, I do my own stocking too because I do the stockings and nobody ever seems to remember I need one -- my excuse to get myself some things  ;D

My son and 1st DiL never get anyone here anything for xmas (they live abroad and she's a Muslim) though I always have given them money and sent gifts.  This year I will only be sending my gs gifts (books via amazon) because a) it costs a fortune to mail things b) it takes forever to mail from here and c) I never receive any acknowledgment of receipt of gifts until I ask.   

They do have a tree up and exchange gifts -- I think they are just in some ways thinking of themselves as children who receive rather than adults who give.

My second son and DIL were away last year for the first married xmas -- that was a bummer as the gifts to the gs from that marriage were opened when we weren't there and my youngest son had put a lot of his money and time into selecting a gift for his new nephew.   They would never forget to include us in the gift giving or thanks.

Hmmmm...  you know I have always kind of brushed off my oldest son's and wife's behavior, made excuses or forgiven it.   Forgiving is fine -- but I don't think I've given enough appreciation to my 2nd son and now his DIL for being there for me, not just for Xmas.   






Title: Re: After Thanksgiving
Post by: 2chickiebaby on December 01, 2009, 05:40:58 AM
I like your ideas, AnnieB.....maybe these kids are self centered when they first get married; I don't know.  It's not excuse though, that I can see.

I remember being first married, thinking mostly of ourselves but I can't remember not getting my loved ones a little something.  The gifts have gotten, big time out of hand.  It should get back to being something from our hearts.  I doubt if that would go over very well with the DIL.

She is constantly talking about her mother and dad...these are the same people who are nuts.  Walking out of her wedding!  I heard that the amount given by them is miniscule...it must be that the less your give, the more you're loved??

I like your idea about Amazon!!! as they live out of town too!!  She doesn't read but maybe there is something else there.  I wish I lived near you, AnnieB....I'd send you their portion!!! YAY!  ;)
Title: Re: After Thanksgiving
Post by: Pen on December 01, 2009, 07:35:50 AM
When you think about it all, doesn't it make you laugh to realize how we contort ourselves this way and that to please everybody? DH says NO stockings for people who aren't here on Christmas Eve and morn. DS says YES to stockings, even though he and DIL will arrive mid-late morn, since it's always been a tradition. OK, I'm willing to go against DH (he'll be fine) by including them, but I'm not changing the tone of the stocking stuffers - we do simple, useful or funny things like scotch tape, lint rollers, silly magazines, chile sauces w/interesting labels, etc. No diamond jewelry or BMW car keys in our stockings :) DIL will be perplexed but that's OK.

Does Amazon ship everywhere in the world? Postage to my very very far away relatives was very very expensive this year and I'm not going to do that again.
Title: Re: After Thanksgiving
Post by: AnnieB on December 01, 2009, 09:27:11 AM
Chickie, the odd thing is, the ones who don't give us gifts have been married almost 8 years...

The ones who *do* give gifts have only been married a year.... I think it's personalities... my oldest son is kind of the absent minded professor, my second son has always been generous...

Penstamen,  I'm not sure where all they send to... I use amazon.uk not sure what else they have...check it out though!
Title: Re: After Thanksgiving
Post by: 2chickiebaby on December 01, 2009, 09:47:41 AM
Mine is and was always the "absent minded Professor" too!!  I can't believe it.  Both alike....I guess that answers the question.  He needed someone to tell him what to do, like find his keys?