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General Category => Grab Bag => Topic started by: AnonymousDIL on March 29, 2011, 06:36:55 AM

Title: Have we been cut off? Why?
Post by: AnonymousDIL on March 29, 2011, 06:36:55 AM
I want to start by saying that the relationship between my brother and I was always a little "strained." My brother is 21 months older than me. Our mom homeschooled us both, but for many subjects (history, science, etc.) we were taught at the same grade level which translated to my education being greatly accelerated. This resulted in my brother being super-competitive with me over everything. Growing up, I felt that my brother hated me.
Two days before my 18th birthday, our dad was killed suddenly in an accident at his work. My brother was a freshman in college and I started at the same college (same department) the following year. When I started college, my brother and I were suddenly very close. It was wonderful. I loved spending time with my brother.
He earned an award in his junior year, again in his senior year, and graduated with the highest honors. We were all very proud of him. He worked very hard. All the professors loved him. All the professors loved me too. In my junior year, I was awarded the same award my brother had been, but I was also awarded a second award. The first was for being the top student in Economics and the second for being the top student in Accounting. I was shocked to get them both because they had never been awarded to the same student before. My professors and mom were so proud of me and congratulated me etc, but my brother refused. The department chair even commented on his behavior later. That he was shocked that my brother was so jealous and reacted the way that he did.
This was about the time he started dating my SIL. They dated 4 months, got engaged and were married in less than a year. Quick, but they are really in love and "perfect" for one another. When they started dating, my brother pulled away for a while, but when they were married, we were close again.
Then I met my DH. When we first started dating, my brother nad DH got along very well. It was so nice to have a couple to hang out with. DH asked my brother's blessing before he proposed on our 1st anniversary, and we married about a year later. During our engagement, things started becoming strained again for no apparent reason. About a month after the wedding, even more so. I was told that I basically should hang out with ANYONE during our first year of marriage because we should be focusing on us. What????
Well, every time we plan a get together, brother and SIL always have plans with her family. We planned the New Year's Eve (we always spent NYE with them) in October! Same with the super bowl, and now our next game night. I feel that it is coming through loud and clear that we have been cut off, but I have no idea why. I feel like my brother is dead to me, but he is still here.
Anywho, I need to know what I did to them to make them react this way. What is the best method to broach the "Are we cut off?" discussion. Letter? Phone call? In person? (in person probably won't happen because they ALWAYS have other plans). What can we do?  :'(
Title: Re: Have we been cut off? Why?
Post by: Pen on March 29, 2011, 07:58:45 AM
ADIL, I'm sorry you're going through this. My sib is geographically far away and I miss our closeness, so I can understand your pain and confusion. I would be feeling similarly if in your situation. You seem to have a grasp on some of the reasons your DB might be staying away, although you state you need to know what you did and are confused as to whether or not it's a true "cut off." You may not ever know.

It's a weird feeling, isn't it? That death-not-death feeling of being separated forever but knowing he still exists in other people's lives? I felt that way when DIL cut herself, and thus DS, out of our lives for awhile. DH & I went on with our lives and didn't act like anything was different even though I was in tears almost daily. This site helped immeasurably. Every few weeks I'd text DS "Thinking of you, hope all is well." We expected nothing and were not disappointed, LOL. Finally DIL changed her attitude (DS stepped up!) and that's when we got back on a tenuous but ever improving track.

Best wishes. Take care.
Title: Re: Have we been cut off? Why?
Post by: LaurieS on March 29, 2011, 08:10:21 AM
Sometimes it's hardest between brother and sister.. each wanting/needing their own special place within the family structure.  Add a little unhealthy competition to the mix and there can be some hurt feelings.... I've had to often wonder, are my kids competing against each other or against themselves?  Either way it does make for tension, but as always direct communication would probably be the best action.
Title: Re: Have we been cut off? Why?
Post by: AnonymousDIL on March 29, 2011, 08:21:19 AM
Thanks, Pen and Laurie. I do hope it gets better. We might see if they want to got out to dinner or something so we can talk and see what the issue actually is, other than brother's superiority complex. We no longer go to the same church for "religious reasons" DB Thinks He is GOD and I KNOW he isn't ROFL!!!!

Another thing I wanted to comment. After DB and SIL had been married for about a year, they cut off her parents.... Until just before DH and I's wedding. SIL's sister is actually my BFF and was my MOH. But now it is all about her FOO. Every time we plan a get together they suddenly have plans with her family.

We heard through the grapevine that they are jealous of our house. It's a little bigger, one extra bedroom and a usable basement. We got more bang for our buck because of when we bought our house (they bought during the bubble and we bought during the slump). It isn't a competition. I don't know why it is a big deal to them. 

Anywho, I guess I just know in my heart that DB and SIL would have no problem whatsoever cutting us out of their lives because we are superfluous. They have plenty of friends and won't miss us. We are making new friends, but I still miss them.  :'(
Title: Re: Have we been cut off? Why?
Post by: L on March 29, 2011, 08:39:21 AM
Sorry about your brother.  I know the pain as my brother and I were extremely close until after high school then it was never the same and we don't even talk anymore.  I was so disappointed because my brother finally had his first a child (also my only nephew) a couple of years ago and I thought we would get close from that event, but it didn't happen.

That's a shame your brother is jealous and to me that sounds like the root of the problem.  Sounds like he has issues.  I would advise just trying to branch out now and make other couple friends.  I would just leave it in his court.  I know it hurts to not be close like you would like but it sounds like, at least at this point, he wants some distance.  Hang in there.   
Title: Re: Have we been cut off? Why?
Post by: LaurieS on March 29, 2011, 08:50:38 AM
Quote from: AnonymousDIL on March 29, 2011, 08:21:19 AM
Thanks, Pen and Laurie. I do hope it gets better. We might see if they want to got out to dinner or something so we can talk and see what the issue actually is, other than brother's superiority complex. We no longer go to the same church for "religious reasons" DB Thinks He is GOD and I KNOW he isn't ROFL!!!!
Oh that was to funny :)

Sibling rivalry is sure a touchy thing and jealousy can be sparked by the lease amount of friction.  It's like a group of people playing the 'my dog is bigger' game when in all reality it's the family dog that everyone has always shared from the beginning.

I can assure you that this is not something that just fades into the background, instead you will make conscience decisions the rest of your life.. but hey isn't that any relationship worth having?  When we were building our new home, I was apprehensive to share any information or pictures with my sister.. not because she would be jealous, but because I knew that she would never again be in the position to do what I was enjoying at the moment.  I did not want to hurt her feelings if it would be prevented. 

Adding the fact that your brother married your best friend.. oh my goodness.. what a web :)  Keep it lite, keep it true and you will hopefully find your relationship with your brother improving once again.
Title: Re: Have we been cut off? Why?
Post by: holliberri on March 29, 2011, 09:49:43 AM
My relationship with my DB has a healthy dose of rivalry that has been unhealthy at times. It all works out in the wash though...

I think our relationship is in an "apart" stage, but it'll come back around. We were close for a long time, but  we both got busy. I think life will settle down for both of us  once more (marriage, military, college, jobs, kids all jumping into the mix in the  last 5 years or so), and we'll be able to reconnect.

DH and his DB are the same. It might be a cutoff, but it might just be life getting in the way at the moment. I look at my dad and his  siblings and they're all close as ever, but that sure  wasn't the case in when they were in their 20s.
Title: Re: Have we been cut off? Why?
Post by: AnonymousDIL on March 29, 2011, 10:10:48 AM
So it really might be nothing? They just don't have enough time to go around and her family and friends come first. Bummer. :-(

What I don't get is how when we set something up months in advance, they don't have plans at first but HER family always makes last minute plans and then get precedence.

I just shouldn't think about it because it depresses me. I wish I could take the memories of time with my brother and put them somewhere they couldn't be accessed until he comes around.  :-\
Title: Re: Have we been cut off? Why?
Post by: holliberri on March 29, 2011, 10:17:26 AM
Hmmm...

Would a different perspective about the memories help?

I ache for my best friends who both died young, and the memories hurt for awhile, but then I started appreciating the memories themselves. I also for a long time, mourned my ex (first love) after we officially broke up, and the  memories were painful for awhile, but I found that through exposure, they got easier to manage when they popped in my mind, and now, I am very thankful to have them. I was able to detach the memory of the  past from my expectations for the future somehow.

I also went  through a similar thing when my relationship with my brother changed. I think you might not be cut off, but your feelings are probably quite normal (if they weren't, I wouldn't be normal...LOL).   ;) And the good thing with siblings: it might  always come back around!

Title: Re: Have we been cut off? Why?
Post by: AnonymousDIL on March 29, 2011, 10:35:05 AM
That makes a lot of sense Holli.... Memories of my dad are great, still make me miss him, but not in a "bad" way. I guess it is time to move on without DB for now. I guess I am just so insecure that he won't eventually come back around.

BLAST this never-stopping brain of mine! LOL
Title: Re: Have we been cut off? Why?
Post by: holliberri on March 29, 2011, 10:36:38 AM
I think we're all here b/c our brains don't  stop.  :)
Title: Re: Have we been cut off? Why?
Post by: AnonymousDIL on March 29, 2011, 10:50:58 AM
DH and I went to a marraige seminar and the guy talked about the difference between men's brains and women's brains. Basically the woman's brain is so intertwined and never stops, but men have "boxes." They focus on only one thing at a time. and even have a box that is dedicated to "Nothing." They are in their "nothing" box when they veg out in front of the TV and you are talking to them and they aren't really listening.

Oh! If Only I could be a man! LOL
Title: Re: Have we been cut off? Why?
Post by: luise.volta on March 29, 2011, 10:56:19 AM
Maybe we will evolve into having half and half!  :)
Title: Re: Have we been cut off? Why?
Post by: AnonymousDIL on March 29, 2011, 11:01:17 AM
Quote from: luise.volta on March 29, 2011, 10:56:19 AM
Maybe we will evolve into having half and half!  :)

The mental image I have now is kinda scary.... A "half-man/half-woman" brain might be like a messy attic with boxes strewn everywhere and no order! AHHHHHH! LOL
Title: Re: Have we been cut off? Why?
Post by: luise.volta on March 29, 2011, 11:03:32 AM
;D ;D ;D[move]
[/move]
Title: Re: Have we been cut off? Why?
Post by: LaurieS on March 29, 2011, 11:06:23 AM
Quote from: holliberri on March 29, 2011, 10:36:38 AM
I think we're all here b/c our brains don't  stop.  :)

Oh speak for yourself
Title: Re: Have we been cut off? Why?
Post by: AnonymousDIL on March 29, 2011, 11:10:10 AM
If we stop our brains we might like the peace and quiet soooo much we will forget to start them again! LOL
Title: Re: Have we been cut off? Why?
Post by: luise.volta on March 29, 2011, 11:15:22 AM
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz......................
Title: Re: Have we been cut off? Why?
Post by: AnonymousDIL on March 29, 2011, 11:21:39 AM
Ut oh! We seem to have lost Luise!!!!!!!! Get that brain starter in here STAT! Maybe some smelling salts.... or Chocolate!!! lol
Title: Re: Have we been cut off? Why?
Post by: luise.volta on March 29, 2011, 11:36:35 AM
Hello!!! Godiva? :D :D :D
Title: Re: Have we been cut off? Why?
Post by: LaurieS on March 29, 2011, 11:38:30 AM
I'd be excited over a Carmel Macchiato
Title: Re: Have we been cut off? Why?
Post by: luise.volta on March 29, 2011, 11:58:05 AM
I just LOVE those. Used my whole Starbucks Gift Card up on them!  :D :D :D
Title: Re: Have we been cut off? Why?
Post by: LaurieS on March 29, 2011, 12:04:05 PM
I know.. I'm making a date day for myself with myself later this week.. I'm going to hit Starbuck's and a pedicure for sure...  I need it.. it's been a long week :)
Title: Re: Have we been cut off? Why?
Post by: luise.volta on March 29, 2011, 12:15:48 PM
April 2 - 12 will be tiring for me...my friend, Jim, will be here.
Title: Re: Have we been cut off? Why?
Post by: Pooh on March 29, 2011, 12:35:11 PM
ADIL, I have an extremely jealous brother and it has nothing to do with me, but he takes it out on me....Lol.  We came from a very modest, poor upbringing and things did not get better until I was about 12.  My brother is 9 years older than me, and was already married and gone by the time my parents were making any kind of money.  We always had food, shelter, clothes and the basics, but his childhood was not inclusive of too many luxury items.  My teenage years, I did get more than he had, simply because my parents made more by then.

But to this day, he is resentful of that and reminds me how "easy" I had it compared to him.  He thinks my parents bought me a car, even though we have told him that no, I worked and paid for it.  But my parents did cosign, so I was able to afford a better car than he did.  It doesn't matter how many times we tell him, or how many times I try to explain to him that our parents made better money in my teen years, he refuses to see the truth.

We get along well enough..........from afar.........but he will always believe what he wants to believe and no one can change him.  I gave up trying a long time ago and just take him as he is.  When my Mother, several years ago, had a complication from a knee surgery and I called to tell him that she was in ICU, his answer was, "Oh No.  What can I do?  Do you need money?  I can send it now."  Instead of being mad at him for not jumping in his car and driving all night to come, I made a mental note that in his world, this is how he was.  Money solves everything and in his screwed up brain, that was his way of helping and showing he cared.  He'll never get it....Lol.

I have a feeling your DB is going to be jealous if he wants, even if there is no legitimate reason to be, just because he can.  I do think eventually he will come back around and he does love you.  I think when something tragic happens, it either brings out the best in people or the worst.  He showed you his true colors when you guys became close after your Dad's tragic accident.  He'll be back.
Title: Re: Have we been cut off? Why?
Post by: pam1 on March 29, 2011, 12:42:39 PM
My sibs and I go through cycles.  Sometimes we talk a lot, sometimes we don't.  We all chose such different lives that it's constant chaos trying to get us all together or keep up constantly.  And it doesn't help that my parents mated a lot so there's a ton of us

Maybe he told you married couples shouldn't socialize for a year b/c he and his wife had a rough first year with outside intereference?  Just a thought.
Title: Re: Have we been cut off? Why?
Post by: AnonymousDIL on March 29, 2011, 01:24:55 PM
Who has to die to bring him around this time? lol Overall (even though he is an egotistical butthead most of the time lol) he has really been a wonderful brother to me.

And Yes, they apparently had a rough 1st year with interference by according to him..... ME. Total BS! He said DH and I were over there every weekend. The first year they were married I wasn't even dating DH, I was with a total loser who hated my brother so we didn't see him much at all. He and wifey DID however see HER family and friends a LOT and at about a year and a half of marraige her sister (my BFF) moved in with them. How was I to blame for that?

Ugh!

But I digress, LOL.... He has made some really bone-headed comments in his life. Silly man! lol

But from what you ladies are telling me, this is most likely a normal phase and we will all get past it.  :-\ Is there a fast forward button I can use?
Title: Re: Have we been cut off? Why?
Post by: Pooh on March 29, 2011, 01:29:07 PM
That would be nice, although I think I need to find the "MUTE" button more often!
Title: Re: Have we been cut off? Why?
Post by: luise.volta on March 29, 2011, 01:29:22 PM
Don't we wish!  ;)
Title: Re: Have we been cut off? Why?
Post by: Pooh on March 29, 2011, 01:30:04 PM
HEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Have we been cut off? Why?
Post by: luise.volta on March 29, 2011, 01:36:51 PM
My post was supposed to come after the one about the fast forward!  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Have we been cut off? Why?
Post by: LaurieS on March 29, 2011, 01:37:29 PM
un huh... LOL
Title: Re: Have we been cut off? Why?
Post by: Pooh on March 29, 2011, 01:43:34 PM
Uh huh....sure Luise...... ;D
Title: Re: Have we been cut off? Why?
Post by: luise.volta on March 29, 2011, 01:44:33 PM
Oh Ye of Little Faith!
Title: Re: Have we been cut off? Why?
Post by: luise.volta on March 29, 2011, 01:48:01 PM
:-X
Title: Re: Have we been cut off? Why?
Post by: Pooh on March 29, 2011, 01:49:41 PM
Yeah, and I believe you are sitting there sniffling about as much as I believed you actually meant that after my post....

Hee hee...except they may be sniffles because you are laughing so hard..... :P
Title: Re: Have we been cut off? Why?
Post by: LaurieS on March 29, 2011, 01:51:18 PM
I'd like to have a fast forward button and be done with dinner and the dishes... or an easy button and have it all done for me
Title: Re: Have we been cut off? Why?
Post by: holliberri on March 29, 2011, 01:57:02 PM
Oooh....I'll take one of each so I can get through these 400 pages and 4 page essay I need to have done by Saturday morning for class.
Title: Re: Have we been cut off? Why?
Post by: luise.volta on March 29, 2011, 05:32:25 PM
That was a zipped mouth...(pretty unique for me.) Not sniffling.... ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Have we been cut off? Why?
Post by: AnonymousDIL on March 31, 2011, 05:47:02 AM
Wow! Just Wow!.... Maybe they really are just busy (I'm not buying this for a second) whenever we make plans months in advance.

Well, DH and I get together frequently with my cousin and her husband. She's been telling me the last few times how much she wants to get together with my brother but he keeps blowing her off (I secretly know that my brother doesn't like her. He's told me that he can't stand her holier-than-thou attitude. Well, he is one to talk!). Anywho, she is coming to dinner on the 9th and I asked if she'd like me to invite my brother and SIL since she hasn't seen them in a while-- neutral ground make brother behave.... Well, here's the shocker after awaiting a response for 3 days, brother finally texted me back and they are coming! Wow! Just Wow!
Title: Re: Have we been cut off? Why?
Post by: Pooh on March 31, 2011, 06:19:32 AM
That's great ADIL!  Progress....yay!
Title: Re: Have we been cut off? Why?
Post by: LaurieS on March 31, 2011, 06:21:31 AM
I think sometimes left on our own, it's easier to see the negative in the situation... I'm glad he accepted the invite, have lots of wine, good food  and plenty of laughs.
Title: Re: Have we been cut off? Why?
Post by: AnonymousDIL on March 31, 2011, 07:49:14 AM
Wine is good, as long as there is no wHine! LOL
Title: Re: Have we been cut off? Why?
Post by: holliberri on March 31, 2011, 08:39:59 AM
Good news! Good luck, ADil!  :)
Title: Re: Have we been cut off? Why?
Post by: elsieshaye on March 31, 2011, 01:54:24 PM
Quote from: pam1 on March 29, 2011, 12:42:39 PMAnd it doesn't help that my parents mated a lot so there's a ton of us

OMG - hahahaha, tea outta my nose!!
Title: Re: Have we been cut off? Why?
Post by: LaurieS on March 31, 2011, 01:56:16 PM
Quote from: elsieshaye on March 31, 2011, 01:54:24 PM
Quote from: pam1 on March 29, 2011, 12:42:39 PMAnd it doesn't help that my parents mated a lot so there's a ton of us

OMG - hahahaha, tea outta my nose!!

Thanks for pulling that out as a quote Elsieshaye.. It would have been disappointing to have missed that line from Pam
Title: Re: Have we been cut off? Why?
Post by: luise.volta on March 31, 2011, 04:47:50 PM
Pretty Graphic!  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Have we been cut off? Why?
Post by: LaurieS on March 31, 2011, 05:46:38 PM
yes but in such a politically correct way :)
Title: Re: Have we been cut off? Why?
Post by: AnonymousDIL on April 19, 2011, 10:52:36 AM
Ugh! I've had it with my brother and his wife!

Soooo, back at the beginning of March we set up a game night for next Saturday. Oh, they can't come because SIL's brother b-day is that day and OMG they can't celebrate on Sunday or anything.

Ok, her family comes first. I get it.

So, our mom arranged for us all to get togehter and have a frisbee golf tournament this Saturday. Oh, yes, DB and wifey will be there. Or soooo they tell our mother!

I start getting text messages. "We are having a game night at our house Saturday at 6:00." REALLY, Little Miss Bleep! I thought you guys were coming to the frisbee golf. (I said it so much nicer lol) "Oh, that will be over by then." It's at 1:30 with a picnic afterwards for Step-sister. "But XXX (a mutual friend) is coming up." (THEY INVITED HER after making plans with our mom! Yes, I've talked with XXX, They cut her off for a while, guess now they are going to get along again) They also invited XXX's EX-BF. Why would you invite someone and their EX-BF to dinner?

Either way I see where we rank

1 SIL's Family
2 SIL's Friends
3 Random Drunk Dude on Street
1,437,619th. DB's Family.

Sure is nice isn't it?
Title: Re: Have we been cut off? Why?
Post by: luise.volta on April 19, 2011, 11:13:07 AM
Their bad not yours! And there are no "whys," of course. Sending love...