This was written by a DIL who had learned in therapy what was wrong with her MIL. Very hard to read and below the belt, I think. ______________________________________________________________________________
"This is what's hard for these women to understand. Their sons are NOT all that interested in these very tight, very close, very intimate relationships with their mothers. They outgrew the Oedipal phase; the mothers never did. Let's face it: it's very pleasant when your 4 year old son adores you and swears he's going to marry you and be your knight in shining armor. But it doesn't last; it's a phase.
The sons don't take the responsibility for a close relationship with their mothers because they don't WANT them. They also don't want to hurt their mothers, they don't want them unhappy, but they also don't want to talk to them every day and solve their every problem and support all their emotional upsets. They want to move on, but they also want their mother's to be okay with them moving on.
The MILs turn desperately to the DILs to wring out the closeness they long for--or they blame the DILs for the distance they sense. A lot of men shove their wives between them and their desperate mommies. "I got to get some space; make her okay with it". DILs resent both being used as a bridge between mother and son and also to be blamed for a natural phenomenon--sons grow up and grow away. DILs pick up quickly on desperately lonely, clingy, needy women and see what even the MILs may be too ashamed to admit; these MILs (not all MILs), but these MILs have based their emotional lives on their son and are an intrusion into their marriages. DILs sense the same danger to their marriages as they would from any other woman who is determined to get their husbands.
When mothers let go of their sons and don't fancy that there's this 'special bond of closeness' that exists that most mothers and sons don't have, they usually have good relationships with their DILs and their sons. When they can't let go, the men find a way to escape, either by 'zoning out', staying away, lying, or throwing their wives under the bus.
The men DON'T keep up their end of the relationship, because they don't want the relationship their mothers long for. They love her and they want a relationship, but not that kind of relationship. And everyone gets confused by what's really going on because it feels to everyone like a love triangle, without the sexual attraction. You have the jealous spurned woman, the new love interest and the guy in the middle--but no one calls it what it is because it's not sexual. And yet the emotions are exactly the same.
Unless you've been a victim of these desperate MILs, you would pity them. They are generally unloved, left behind women. They don't have healthy partnerships as a general rule. They generally don't have a good support system. They are looking for that that absolute love, trust, and acceptance that everyone wants, they are just looking for it in the wrong place, and they want it on their terms, from the all powerful mother who holds all the cards and the ultimate authority in the relationship (as they had when their sons were little) from a man who can take care of himself and her as well. They generally cannot deal with real relationships with imperfect men and give and take. They have the development of a toddler and a toddler's understanding: black and white, idealized and full of fantasy.
And it's a continuum: some of these clingy, needy MILs are only troubled a little by these misplaced affections, and some are completely immersed and some regress to this when they are stressed or feeling vulnerable.
This doesn't explain all MIL-DIL problems. Their are some disturbed DILs out there, no doubt. This doesn't explain just plain nasty, or mentally ill, or character disordered MILs (altho it can). And doesn't explain those who have very little interest in their families and grandchildren. Or those who have trouble facing the empty nest, but who with a little prodding, do build satisfying lives and healthy relationships. But it does explain one dynamic of the MIL-Son-DIL triangle.
This is what I learned in therapy. I did not learn how to correct the problem without a lot of pain being felt by everyone.
Copied by an online diary.
