Daughter in law is very bitter towards her father

[Kathy]

Hello
I am new here and I have a problem with my daughter in law.  I do not know how to help or how to keep my relationship with her on the up and up..
So far my husband and I are not doing very well.   Our son and his wife just had a new baby..our first grandson...However, after three months of trying to be a part of their lives ..we seem to have reached a roadblock.

It has to do with confidences and mixed up communication.   she does not want us to mention her father at all when we are together..I mentioned it once a few weeks ago and received a very nasty email back telling me that it was not appreciated to mention him ..it upset my daughter in law too much..It seems he left her mother and the terrible past is not leaving nor forgotten..We as in laws have no clue what happened in her past.. She has other issues with us..stemming from a misunderstanding about keeping matters confidential..We did not know that her grandfather's illness was to be kept secret until later when we mentioned that we had told a few people to pray for her grandfather..that was a huge mistake too  I guess.

I have been accused of wanting too much sympathy from them  due to my  arthritis and depression issues.  I have been accused of many things and I am tired of the constant accusations..as if they are so perfect. 



We need some advice as to how to get around this situation.    I want to see my grandson and so does my husband but we feel unwelcome now after being presented with a written list of our faults.  I can't believe my son would stoop so low as to write down all the things that I do that causes them grief.  I raised my son to be understanding and mild mannered..he obviously is being brainwashed to some extent against me..and my husband.  the situation is at an impasse..there is no reasoning with with my daughter law..I can't figure her out...Bitterness against her own father has turned her against us as well.

[1Glitterati]

It has to do with confidences and mixed up communication.   she does not want us to mention her father at all when we are together..I mentioned it once a few weeks ago and received a very nasty email back telling me that it was not appreciated to mention him ..it upset my daughter in law too much..It seems he left her mother and the terrible past is not leaving nor forgotten..We as in laws have no clue what happened in her past..  It would have been nice if you'd been given a heads up.  YOu weren't, and you stepped into a minefield unknowingly.  Follow her lead now that she has actually said she doesn't want him mentioned, and don't mention him.

She has other issues with us..stemming from a misunderstanding about keeping matters confidential..We did not know that her grandfather's illness was to be kept secret until later when we mentioned that we had told a few people to pray for her grandfather..that was a huge mistake too  I guess.  Seems to me dil feels talked about.  Seems that's not the way you intended it, but is the way she is taking it.  Best bet would be not to talk about her family to other people. 

I have been accused of wanting too much sympathy from them  due to my  arthritis and depression issues.  I have been accused of many things and I am tired of the constant accusations..as if they are so perfect.  I don't have any advice there...other than to say people will believe what they want to believe.  And, typically, when confronted with a truth that is opposite of what they believe--they only believe what they believe more and harder.



We need some advice as to how to get around this situation.    I want to see my grandson and so does my husband but we feel unwelcome now after being presented with a written list of our faults.  I can't believe my son would stoop so low as to write down all the things that I do that causes them grief.  I raised my son to be understanding and mild mannered..he obviously is being brainwashed to some extent against me..and my husband.  the situation is at an impasse..there is no reasoning with with my daughter law..I can't figure her out...Bitterness against her own father has turned her against us as well.  Don't mention her dad and don't repeat anything you hear about her family.  Seems to be an issue with her.

[barelythere]

Kathy, I am so very sorry.  Join the club, a not very happy club but a club with lots of members.  I'd give it time and just keep away.  I know how it hurts, you just can't believe it has happened and I do know how it feels when you want to knock on your son's head and ask him where he went because you no longer recognize him.  I'm sure that over time it will get better but they are laying their boundaries down and at least you know what they are now.  Boy, who'd have ever dreamed you'd have your list of faults all laid out?  This is what they refer to as you trying to manipulate them with your illnesses or is it laying guilt on them?  I forget which one it is when you have problems, it might be that they think you're needy.  They have all these terms we never heard of.  It's a minefield out there.  Just back way off and know it's not you. Small comfort, I know.

[Kathy]

Thank you so much 1Glitterati and barelythere... I am 62 years old and I have never been a mother in law before..I dreamed that I would be able to babysit my Grandchildren..since my daughter in law's mother just lives 4 doors away from her, there is little chance that we are going to be able to bond to this grandson.  My other granddaughter who just turned one.lives two hours away by car and we have hardly ever seen her due to distance and of course being the  '' other grandparents""  as the term implies. 
I have only sons...no daughters ..My oldest son is 36 and is not married...he comes to visit us all the time and is a joy to have around..I  sure hope he finds a nice lady who will be more open to us as in laws..so far we have a very poor track record..  They say...'three strikes and your out:"...maybe that will happen to us.. I sincerely hope not.  Rejection is a terrible feeling and we are both feeling it.

The only consolation in all this is that my son works with my husband at the car dealership here in town.  They do see each other and seem to get along. at work.  ..thank goodness..

We will stay away from all issues that bother her from now on..I am the one having difficulty getting over this list of faults.  I don't feel welcome there at all and don't want to go to visit them.  If only they would come to visit me and let me have a few short hours with my grandson..that would be so wonderful.  She breast feeds and the child is never out of hersight.  They even switched churches and so we don't See them there either.  She feels people criticize her too much there and so they left and went elsewhere. 


Thanks again for all your wise counsel

[barelythere]

Kathy, I just know the son who is a  joy will find someone and still be a joy to you.  Put all your love on them and him at the moment.  Too much heartache in store with the others.  It is a wound for a Mother and Dad that never heals.  Just be glad you have a chance with one more.  It's going to be fine. 

[luise.volta]

Welcome - First of all, stop trying to figure her out. You can't. You can learn what is expected of you like not mentioning her dad or passing on anything about her...but understanding it is a lost cause. Rule umber one is "Don't Clutter it up wit logic," I'm sorry to say.

Your son is trying to make sense of it, of course. That's too bad but that's also his new job. It is usually much easier for an insecure DIL to say "Your mother made this mess"...rather than "I'm a screw-up." Many of us have seen it become a habit. Presenting you a list of your faults is a unilateral move. How realistic is that?

Our dreams of being grandmothers and the reality presented to us often don't match. We have to let go of our dreams. These young adults (who often don't have a clue) have established a new family unit with new rules, and we are on the outside looking in.

Distance is our only salvation...

Sending love...

[Kathy]

Anna and Luise.volta..and barely there..thank you all so much..I especially like the comment made by Luise saying that our dreams about being grandmothers and the reality presented to us don't match.  How true...It has been an eye opening experience and I hear others say..Ï am so excited and can't wait to be a Grand mother.."   They are in for a let down big time.

When I bought the used playpen, I thought for sure I could help out and baby sit ..However a few days after the purchase, my DIL    told me I probably didn'tneed the play pen and would be happy to help me sell it ...how mean can you get!!!

Distance is our only salvation...I agree and thanks for verifying that for me.

Kathy

[barelythere]

Anna and Luise.volta..and barely there..thank you all so much..I especially like the comment made by Luise saying that our dreams about being grandmothers and the reality presented to us don't match.  How true...It has been an eye opening experience and I hear others say..Ï am so excited and can't wait to be a Grand mother.."   They are in for a let down big time.

When I bought the used playpen, I thought for sure I could help out and baby sit ..However a few days after the purchase, my DIL    told me I probably didn'tneed the play pen and would be happy to help me sell it ...how mean can you get!!!

Distance is our only salvation...I agree and thanks for verifying that for me.

Kathy

Really disgusting of her, Kathy.  Distance, distance.

[Miss Understood]

Kathy...welcome. I too am going through the "NIGHTMARE" It isn't fun, easy or even comprehensible. Not one bit of this makes sense and from the women who are here to support you...they will all tell you, "you cannot make sense over something that doesn't make sense."
You are fortunate that your husband has contact with your son. That is a good thing. It took me 2 1/2 months to realize that nothing I could say, how many times I apologized (over something, anything, whatever) Just letting my DS and DIL know I love them and thinking about them, blah, blah, blah...it all was ignored and made me feel worse. It took this long for me to realize and understand it has very little to do with me. This is all about them and the more I begged, graveled and cried....it got me nowhere. Now, after all the support from the wonderful ladies here, some close family and friends...I realized all this and am able to sit back and say to myself, "I didn't do anything to deserve this and I don't want someone in my life who is treating me so poorly." I want my DS, DIL and GD in my life....surely...but not like this. I don't want to have the disrespect, the lies, the game playing, the two face behavior, the silent treatment when they don't get their way....That's not what a good mom and grandmother deserves. My other children don't treat me that way. I cried for 2 1/2 months and lost that much of my life and took the ME out of my other family members lives because I was so hurt by this. You need to understand that this is NOT about YOU! It's hard, so hard, the hardest thing I ever had to go through. I had cancer and still do...trying to get through this and the stress isn't helping me. I too had my DS and DIL tell me I whine or complain and they are sick of my drama...How dare them...How dare they not give me love, support and comfort. How dare your DS and DIL make that list for you too. Hold your head up. Deep Breaths...Believe me....Worrying, crying, all of that wasted energy got me know where....My DH's line, "How's that working for you?" He's right...it doesn't. LOVE YOURSELF!!!

[Barbie]

Kathy, I too am a grandmother who has been let down big time. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be put in this position by the son who was closest to me.
When my DIL was pregnant I thought for sure I was going to be able to babysit, I decorated a room in my house for my GD with new furniture and all the prettiest things I could find. My DIL didn't say one word to me when she saw the room but by the way she look at me I knew what she was thinking. I had the best of intentions. I lost my mom at a young age, I had my father but men are not into that sort of thing, my MIL was deceased also, I would have given anything for my children to have had their grandmothers spoil them so that's the only thing that was going through my mind when I did it it and we're in a position now that we could do it. After 1 1/2 years of waiting I stopped fantacizing and converted the room into a guestroom. We have a daughter and another son so maybe we'll get another shot at it.

[Kathy]

I am so sorry to hear you have had cancer. That is just such a burden on top of everything else ...I ask myself Why  all the time..I say..I did everything for my son and would have given him my life when he was a little boy..He and all my sons were a special gift from God..But now..I have to wonder what I was thinking.  I suffered with a botched epidural having my second son..(the one who lives 2 hours away)...We sacrifice and slave to have our children and then they turn on us ..I say..wait a few years and they will soon discover the joys of having children can turn to nightmares..as you say.

My Pastor's wife told me that I should take cookies over to my DIL and show how much I care...that is a very simple solution and I don't really think I can lower my self esteem and pride enough to go begging carrying cookies.  One other complaint I get from my Son and his wife, is that I don't phone enough and call to see the baby.  I am not begging over the phone either..I feel they could come to my house now and then and drop off my grandson and let me bond with him for just an hour or so..now and then..while they go grocery shopping..NO...they don't do that.  They either get her mommy to mind him or they take turns looking after him while they other goes to do errands.  At one point before the baby was born, my DIL and I went shopping at the Kushies outlet store for cloth diapers.  I paid for the whole shopping spree, thinking I was doing the grandmotherly thing and helping with expenses.  We even paid for the stroller and went shopping together to buy that..  It was over $300.00 Canadian.  (I live in Canada )  Another beef I have is that I gave them $44,000 of my inheritance money from my father's estate
 to help them buy their home..

So..distance seems to be the only solution .  I hate that but I do have some pride and some self respect..I can't go over there and beg and plead to see my little 4 month old grandson..He is so cute..and I miss him.  My birthday and my husband's birthday came and went in August..our 39th anniversary came and went too..no recognition ..no card..nothing. 
Thanks ladies.. I need to get some support and you have helped enormously.   It is so easy to open my mouth and tell the world how bad it is..especially when I get asked..."well how is that adorable grandson of yours doing?

I just smile and say..well  he is growing  every day..The last thing I need is to be told again that I am saying negative stuff about my DIL behind her back..funny thought ..she is creating the environment for me to be so outspoken and negative..How long can I keep lying to people and saying..öh  my grandson is adorable and he is growing and making our lives so happy  duh...

[Kathy]

Guest 1...I read your comment and I am thoroughly disgusted with DI L's now ...You tried to set up a room for the baby..wow..What a wonderful gesture and how quickly we can shot down to the ground..

Life is too short to sit around and mope.. I see that now too..

Ladies you are all wonderful..I could give you all big hugs and tell you that this forum has helped me so much..I no longer am bitter and no longer care one way or another what happens down the way..I know I did nothing wrong and so..they will pay a dear price for this insulting behaviour..   IE...No Christmas gifts anymore...no birthday gifts anymore.. I don't plan on doing Christmas dinner now for them either..   I can hardly get around as it is with my sciatic nerve pain and joint problems due to a SSRI I was on for  a  year...I am now off that drug.. hopefully I will be ok soon..

Oh..I must not look for sympathy ..right..   no sympathy is wanted anyways...


I figure in time they will come back and want some money ...I won't give it unless they let me bond with my grandson..that's it.  new rules around here...   

I simply can't get the image of the written list out of my head...

Love you all ..  and stay strong..  You have helped me see I am not alone with this problem.

[Miss Understood]

NO COOKIES!!!!!!
Oh, I did all of this. I got stuck with the remainder of a truck loan too. I did everything for my DIL that she wished for. It wasn't good enough or there was always something.

If they couldn't call you for your BD or anniversary...they have no intension on letting you back in now. Begging only feeds their selfishness. I have learned that I should have closed the door to the disprespect along time ago when it first happened. Now, I feel stupid and suckerpunched for begging and graveling after I did nothing to deserve this nonsense. Please, no cookies...unless you make them with chocolate ex-lax and let them have a taste of the upset stomache they have given you. (Just kidding, but it sounded good coming out)

Kathy, My BD is coming up too....So is my DS and we always have a special celebration and I too fear that I will still get the silent treatment.
I am preparing myself for it. I think to my DS it will be the ultimate punishment towards me and he may feel like the little big man for a while, but someday will regret this. I raised him better and I know some where in that knucklehead of a shallow man he is now...he'll wake up! I just hope that I am alive to see the day.  I struggle with the thought of just wanting to leave him a message saying, "What kind of person abuses their mother by treating them cruel, cursing at them and then giving them the silent treatment, sticks them with a truck loan, lies and then feels fine about treating their entire family like they don't exist? What kind of person does that?" But....he won't hear it, be receptive to it or even acknowledge it...so why waste my breath. If he had a concience and really gave a hoot....He wouldn't be giving the silent treatment to our whole family.
Spend the money for the cookie dough for a nice martini or something!

[luise.volta]

I am so touched by the wisdom you have gained and are sharing, Miss U. Listen to her, K. Not long ago she saw no "daylight in the swamp" at all! Healing is a process and it starts by believing it is possible. This Website is living proof of that. Let go of the injustice when you can. When you are in it's grip...it can paralyze you. Sending love...

[Miss Understood]

Thanks Luise! I feel better...still sad, but climbed out of that hole. I am now going to spend the rest of the day with my DH in the pool with some nice cold beers and talk about good things and laugh for a change.
Kathy....Smiles