Mother of the Groom and all that ...

[barelythere]

My Husband says that he has no regrets, that he was a good father (the best) and whatever is happening, he's sorry but that it is not going to ruin his life.  Gosh, I wish I was a man.  I know he's hurt but men can pocket those feelings and put them away, we have a hard time doing that.  I'm getting there, though.  I'm realizing this is not about me.  It still stings no matter who it is about.

[Miss Understood]

I saw my son tonight by chance and I don't know how to explain it but he's not the same person he was even last year.  Something is wrong.  First of all, he's afraid to look at me, he just chit chats and that's okay but mostly he's quiet, introverted, not like the outgoing guy he once was.  I make sure that I don't even look like I'm going to ask him anything personal.  He seems like he's covering something up, like his happiness maybe. It looks like he might be unhappy with himself, I don't know. His wife was not with him but she called.

BT, just want to tell you that after last years incident (the first one) where my DIL got mad because I wouldn't sign the truck I purchased for my DS in her name only....he cursed me out, she called me a monster and there was silence for only 2 weeks, but after that...it took months for my son to look me in the eye. My DH said it was because he knew he was wrong and ashamed of how he treated me...Now going through it again and a really long silent treatment...I think they can't look you in the eye because they ARE NOT living with their own heart but by the stomp of DIL's foot and her opinion and the wrath of what may come with what they really feel towards their mothers. My DS has done that with me, small chit chat, quiet and such when she is around...when she wasn't, he wouldn't shut up and you couldn't get a word in edge wise...even the hugs were different. The weekend before the big bang was father's day and earlier that week my DS called me 3 x for misc. stuff, ie: recipes, about his work and a problem that he was having (not about DIL) well, we were out to dinner and in conversation…I asked my DS if he had worked out the issue. You would have thought I just hit my DIL with a 2 x 4 across the head.  He glared at me, she glared at him and then in a sarcastic mode she said, “You CALLED your MOTHER?” Well, needless to say…I didn’t get a word the rest of the night from my son, I don’t think he even looked at me, I think she kicked him under the table and my goodbye hug and “thanks Mom for the wonderful dinner out in this very expensive restaurant” didn’t even happen. I think this was the start of my set up to get me out of their lives for good. This was the night I grabbed my little GD’s hands and said we were going to have so much fun when she comes and we are going to go bike riding, to the park, swim in the pool and have a blast….I believe this is the moment that my DIL plotted the end of the end with me and my DS and set me up for failure on the babysitting day. Now my DS can’t look at me since he again cursed me for 41 minutes straight, ousted our family for GD’s Birthday and 3 months of silent treatment. I believe it’s going to be a long time before he grows up and realizes what he is doing if that is even in the cards to happen.
When people can’t look you in the eye (my ex was like this and he was a pathological liar) it means that they are untruthful in some way…whether to you or to themselves. There is no confidence in their soul. After all these years of forgiving my ex for being a liar, etc. I realized that he was still that person when he and I ran into each other last week and he ran and hid from me….Oh, My….Now it sounds funny! How pathetic when you have to do that? All he had to do was tell me that he didn’t want to discuss DS and what was going on. Reason he couldn’t face me is because deep down he knows it’s all a lie, untrue and he cannot do the right thing. Whether weakness, being a coward or just plain having a character defect…maybe all 3.
One more thing….I don’t have that kind of power over my husband. If my husband wants to do something, he does it. I don’t tell him what to do and I definitely don’t interfere with any of his relationships. That includes his family or friends. I actually am the one that reminds him or encourages him to do more with his family…because he needs them. But, I am mature, loving and not spiteful and mean. I do believe that our DIL’s will change someday…but I think it isn’t going to happen within the marriage they are in now. I think it will take divorcing, hitting rock bottom in their life, having pain, growing and maturing and really taking a hard look at themselves…for they don’t have to do that now…they are getting their way and what they want right where they are. It’s like us. We don’t change until something drastic happens in our life to force us too. Not one of us thought prior to our situations, “Boy, I need to change myself now before I have a bad relationship with my DS and DIL” Why would we…we didn’t think we were doing anything wrong and we didn’t know we need a crystal ball or a genie or someone who could read the future to enlighten us.

[cremebrulee]

I'm tempted to say "no" next time DS asks us to go and babysit which probably won't be for a while now. It's so discouraging after spending time with DIL's family and seeing our Gd interact with them, I fear GD will never be close to us and my heart will be broken again. I had so many hopes and dreams for my first GD and they've all gone down the tube but I'm starting to enjoy life again regardless. DH says he can attach and detach, it doesn't matter to him, I think he's pretty attached already. I'm so afraid to put myself out there to be hurt once more, that's keeping me from getting closer to GD and DS.

Guest 1, if I were you, I would not say no, unless you have something really honestly planned, when they ask....I know how you feel, and I'm cautioning you b/c I care....but if they would find out you said no just b/c it would make things worse for you. It only adds fuel to the fire....if you can, never do anything out of hurt...it doesn't pay....and I do know about that fear of putting yourself out there again...once you've been burned, it's real hard to trust again...however, if you don't take that chance you'll never know.....will you?  Don't hold back due to fear, fear of rejection, or doing anything out of spite....b/c I fear if you do, you'll only hurt yourself more....

I wouldn't be at they're beckoned call though, just make certain, you do have plans made when you say no. 

Does that make sense?

Pen, I'm glad things worked out for you so far, it seems like your getting stronger, I know this is totally undeserving to all of you, however, the stronger you become, the more readily you'll be able to deal with issues that come up.....please know your in my thoughts and prayers.

hugs
creme

[Barbie]

Thanks Creme, you make a lot of sense. I’m very afraid to get my heart broken again, you see, I’m not just dealing with DIL but also her family, her mother is a hypocrite among other things and her siblings and their families are just plain crazy, I feel like I’ll never win. I want more than anything to be close to DS and GD but they’ll do anything in their power to create problems to keep us apart, they know how I feel and they’re enjoying the situation, they have something similar going on with their parents and grandparents. I've tried to point things out to DS but he always sides with them. I’ve said it before, so many times I have felt like throwing in the towel and you Creme are the reason I haven’t done it, that’s how much I trust your judgement. After years of suffering I feel strong enough to say “the heck with you all, it’s not worth it”. I miss my old son, I don’t like the new one, honestly I think I can do without him, but I keep hoping and praying for a miracle. He calls me everyday I think out of habit, we never talk about anything important anymore, we just chit chat, I guess I should count my blessings.

Pen, DH feels exactly like yours, he wants me all to himself now that we have an empty nest, he's always telling me the only person I need to worry about is him. We are enjoying life again, trying to catch up doing all the things we couldn't do when we were younger.

[cremebrulee]

guest1
Thanks Creme, you make a lot of sense. I’m very afraid to get my heart broken again, you see, I’m not just dealing with DIL but also her family, her mother is a hypocrite among other things and her siblings and their families are just plain crazy, I feel like I’ll never win.

Guest1 in the end, nobody wins, but there is a way to a better life...so you do actually win, not in the way you'd like, actually, much better then you ever expected...but it takes a long time, and hard work, but you can achieve it...and it's right there waiting to take you by the hand and walk you through, but it can't do it alone, you've got to be willing.

I want more than anything to be close to DS and GD but they’ll do anything in their power to create problems to keep us apart, they know how I feel and they’re enjoying the situation, they have something similar going on with their parents and grandparents.

yes, they do know it, and your bending over backwards to achieve that goal, b/c you want it so bad, however, they see it as a weakness...

I've tried to point things out to DS but he always sides with them.

And he will, not because he's not loyal to you, but because he only hears your disapproval of them, and thinks it's his job to defend them.  When your talking about them to him, it makes him go to a place he doesn't like to be, makes him really nervous and uncomfortable...I would never ever discuss anything negative with him again about them or anyone else.  Come in here and vent, but not to him....if you can.

I’ve said it before, so many times I have felt like throwing in the towel and you Creme are the reason I haven’t done it, that’s how much I trust your judgement.

Boy, I'm so gosh darn happy you haven't...b/c I know if you would, you'd be even more miserable if you can imagine that.  And there are some that just have to break away for survival...however, you know your situation better then I do...it's best not to ever make a decision out of hurt and anger...but to think it through another day when your calmer and can look at it more realistically, but I do know that some must break away for they're own survival and well being. 

After years of suffering I feel strong enough to say “the heck with you all, it’s not worth it”. I miss my old son, I don’t like the new one, honestly I think I can do without him, but I keep hoping and praying for a miracle.

Darlin, sit down and hold onto something...truth is, your son, will never be the same person you knew...he's changed, he's become a man, and he's doing the best he can...and I know he's hurt you deeply....I'm not dismissing your feelings...believe me, I was there and said the same exact words...time changes people, you change, I change,  our son's change...life has a way of doing that, it is the cycle of life....and he is never ever again, going to be that sweet little boy you knew...before he left to marry.  If you can continue to grow...you will bring him back...but he will be different...and it will take a long time to rebuild the relationship on both of your parts...but eventaully he will want to, if he starts to see, that your getting on with your own life very well without him in it...but he will never again, be able to live up to your expectations....of who and what he should be.  And let me tell you, when he does come back, even though he's change, you just might be off to an even better relationship with him then you had before...with distance...

He calls me everyday I think out of habit, we never talk about anything important anymore, we just chit chat, I guess I should count my blessings.

Yes, indeed, you absolutly should, that my friend is saying a lot....on his part...it would be just as easy for him to not call, but he does, so what may seem as small potatoes to you, take all you can get and be thankful for it.

and ladies, regarding your husbands, they are so exhausted of all of this and trying to tell you what I've been trying to tell you...

they're honestly sick of hearing it...and every little detail about it..."they are saying "enough, please," they miss the who of who you were.    Whenever you discuss it with them, it makes them so frustrated, b/c they can't do anything about it.  They are hurting to, so, it's very difficult for them to be your sounding board....and when you discuss it over and over again, it takes from them so much...they see you hurting and they don't like it...and no matter what they tell you, believe me, they are sick to death of it and want change so much....you see, we women can't let go of things, we kick the dog until it's dead and keep on kicking it, and it drives them nuts.  They know if they don't side with you, your going to take it as a personal attack, or like they are telling you, your wrong, and they're not...what they're trying to convince you is, that there is nothing right now you can do but change your attitude.  I've seen many woman on here right what you wrote your husband said, and we're so wrapped up in our own hurt, we don't hear what they're saying...but they are honestly screaming inside begging you silently to come back to them...and let the kids live they're own lives...they are begging you to see them again as a partner and not as a fixture in the home....we did a whole thread on how you can bring the romance back into your lives...and if you let go of this, and start consentrating on them, your going to once again feel fulfilled.  See, right now your very lonely and starving for love...so, go for it, and leave all the negative stuff go....give your husband you, wooo him and love him...make him a drink after supper and dress up for him again, put on make up...be his lover....not someone he's afraid to come home to, b/c he doesn't know what he is going to find when he gets home....I tell you, your husbands deserve a Gold Star for being there for you and waiting for you to come back to them. 

Remember, No one can make you feel any way unless you let them...

I know you want to be close to them, but I fear they are staying away b/c they feel smothered, not that you are, but they see it as you doing so...can you understand that?  You are not doing anything wrong, I'm not saying you are, what I'm trying to do, is explain to you what you have to do to get out of this whole horrible pain.

This is a cycle of life that your fighting...and the more you fight it, the more miserable you will become...when I say let go, I'm saying it for your own sake...he is no longer yours, and never really was...we don't own people, or our kids...I'm saying this b/c this is what we have to keep saying to ourselves over and over again to make the grief go away...

You guys have one thing I didn't....husbands...and boy, I'll tell you, if I'd have had a husband, it would have been much easier then me.  See, I worked construction for oh, 14 years of my life, some of those men talked to me, and confided in me, about problems at home....so I know how men take these things and what they say to they're wives to survive...

The worst thing, you can do to a man, is jump all over him the moment he comes thru that door....and dump on him all the bad things that happened during the day.  He only wants peace, and he does the best he can to support you, however, it isn't enough, so he feels like he's failing you every time you complain to him about this....or anything negative...

So, I'm not saying all of you are doing this, only you know if you are...I'm not there...and you can come back and say, oh, my husband says this or that, but I won't believe you, he's saying what he's saying to survive himself...so, please understand, I'm not saying your doing anything wrong, what I'm saying is, it's time to get on with your life, life doesn't stop here, it's going to keep on moving, with or without you, it's your choice....you cannot control how people treat you, but you can control how you react to it...and it can be much better then you could ever imagine if you work hard at it...
So ladies I do know every situation is different...however, there are secrets to changing every situation...and what I have written here, may help some and not others, it's your choice,to take it or leave it...for me, it works...and I know it does for others as well...but it's not for everyone.  I really hope you believe I am not the enemy...I'm on your sides...

Don't expect miracles, for  every step forward, you'll take two steps back...I still wrestle with myself sometimes, believe me....ROME was not built in a day...be patient and just try, what do you have to loose? actually nothing...

Hugs and sending love...
Creme

[Barbie]

Creme, I don't have time to read all the posts so it's possible that you may have commented on this subject before and I missed it, but I'd like to get your personal opinion and this is very personal so if you don't want to respond you don't have to, I'll understand.
Having been through what we've been through with our DS and DILs, would you take your son out of your will if you had one?

[cremebrulee]

Guest1
No, never...regardless....

[belweav]

And I'm at a place that as long as my son stays married to the dil then he will not inherit anything. My will and my husband's will are specific about that.

One side story that is on topic is this:  My MIL owns the house she lives in free and clear. There has not been a mortgage on that house for over 20 years. It is also my husband's inheritance. My husband was willing to give this son and the dil the house with no strings attached. When my dil attacked me as she did, my MIL now refuses to give them the house. They lost a houst worth about 91,000.00 dollars which is a good price where I live.