take a minute please...

[Julia]

I am happy to come on my computer and put down my unhappiness and hope a bit of encouragement will come my way.  You don't know me but i am not deserving of this treatment my daughter dishes out.  I am to blame for everything in her life.  My husband and i sent her to a good school which financially wasn't easy, she said she will never forgive us.  She sent me an email 2 weeks ago saying how much she resented us for sending her and lots of profanity in it and said she was going to end her life.   she has 3 weeks to go and she has finished for good.    A rang the school frantic and they found her got her back and she saw a counsellor at the school.  Was put on high alert for a while to keep her safe.  I think she uses these threats so we bring her home.  Which we did.   She went back after the weekend and has had  another go at these threats.  I drove 300k's slept in the car for an hour as I'm not well and she was horrible.   350k's home and we got home at 10.00 last night.   
today she is moping on the lounge says ...........    she hates me and she doesn't have anything to live for.   All this because i said she was going back to school the next day,  we have to leave home at 5am to get her their by 9.00.   She wanted to take the car back with her, would be OK but the weather is foul and we are expecting flooding.    Another reason she has worked herself into this bad place she is in her head is because she can't take the car.  Of course that is again my fault and I deserve the verbal abuse.  I do know i don't but that doesn't stop me feeling down and depressed.     I just want her to go away and stop this emotional blackmail.  I want to say when she leaves school, go and have agood life we love you and are here for you but of you go.  Of course who is going to be there for her so she isn't living in a derelict house because it is all she can afford.  We will be of course.  And we sill see she has a good safe car.    My friend was diagnosed with cancer 3 weeks ago and they don't think she will make it to Xmas.   I want to shake my dd make her realize she is so nasty and ungrateful she is.    I can't describe my sadness.     I hate emotional blackmail it hurts so much I feel I can't breath properly yes it is anxiety, I do see someone but that is only 3 months apart dd has had psychologist Dr etc.  So that side is looked after.  Just needed to vent, please give me a reply.    Am I wrong, you don't know me but I am a really nice person who I think is to caring about others and rarely raise my voice and have never come near to hitting or verbably abusing her I am a nice mum.    I can't help hating myself though.   I don't know if i would have had children they give us so much grief and my husband will be getting my undivided attention one day soon the last 10 years of teenagers has worn us out.   

[luise.volta]

This is just love post, Julia. None of us know each other on one level and on another we are all intimate friends. I don't know what you can do. When my eldest son blamed me for everything that ever happened that he didn't like and for everything he wanted to have happen that didn't...I had no idea where it came from or what to do about it. My younger son thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread and they were raised in the same home.

Just know that we love you, and we understand.

[luise.volta]

I have never paid for something I don't endorse but that's just me. We are moms not martyrs. There's a difference. Sending love...

[autumnlady]

Louise - I too have the same issue, my oldest son treats me like dog and my youngest is wonderful raised in the same home.   In fact my oldest son is getting married at the end of this year and my youngest son does not even want to be in his wedding.  I am working on that one, but our side of the family will be so GLAD when the wedding is OVER.  My oldest son and DIL have taken any little joy or happiness that we had and crushed it.  I am reading your posts and everyone's else's to try and understand.  What I have learned is we will never understand because this is NOT normal behavior.  We have to accept and move on.  I am much better but there are times that it's sad to believe your child can turn on you the way that they do.

My DIL is a very self-centered young woman and I have bent over backwards trying to please her.  I finally realized I never will, so I am nice when they are around which believe me is Rare.  Otherwise I am very happy that my oldest son has moved out and in with his in-laws who he thinks walk on water. LOL

Louise you are very wise woman and  I have learned from this site to stop blaming and try to find peace within yourself and your life.  I want to thank you for making me realize that it's not me, it's them and I have to let it go (as you say)  otherwise it will eat me up.  Only 2 months ago I had been an emotional wreck for over 3 years.  Not understanding what I had done to deserve this treatment.  Well the answer is I did nothing wrong.    I still have moments like yesterday when I see posts from DIL on FB that say all these wonderful "THANK YOU'S" to her mom for paying for ALL of the wedding and stating her and my oldest son appreciate it all.  Well I guess the $4500.00 I have given them for the wedding means nothing.  Luckily I remembered don't go there and it pasted quickly, but it's still a challenge.  I know that once the wedding is over I will not have to see them as often.  The sad part is that my oldest son has allowed DIL to break up our family.  DIL won't come to my home due to HER issues with youngest son's girlfriend.  So I will enjoy my youngest son, his girlfriend and their family and friends and move on and hope one day that my oldest son will figure it out. 

Love to you Julia - It's hard to do tough love but believe me things would have been different for me if I had done more of it.  We love unconditionally but we always try to make them happy and that is not always the right way - sending love to you. 

[barelythere]

Louise - I too have the same issue, my oldest son treats me like dog and my youngest is wonderful raised in the same home.   In fact my oldest son is getting married at the end of this year and my youngest son does not even want to be in his wedding.  I am working on that one, but our side of the family will be so GLAD when the wedding is OVER.  My oldest son and DIL have taken any little joy or happiness that we had and crushed it.  I am reading your posts and everyone's else's to try and understand.  What I have learned is we will never understand because this is NOT normal behavior.  We have to accept and move on.  I am much better but there are times that it's sad to believe your child can turn on you the way that they do.

My DIL is a very self-centered young woman and I have bent over backwards trying to please her.  I finally realized I never will, so I am nice when they are around which believe me is Rare.  Otherwise I am very happy that my oldest son has moved out and in with his in-laws who he thinks walk on water. LOL

Louise you are very wise woman and  I have learned from this site to stop blaming and try to find peace within yourself and your life.  I want to thank you for making me realize that it's not me, it's them and I have to let it go (as you say)  otherwise it will eat me up.  Only 2 months ago I had been an emotional wreck for over 3 years.  Not understanding what I had done to deserve this treatment.  Well the answer is I did nothing wrong.    I still have moments like yesterday when I see posts from DIL on FB that say all these wonderful "THANK YOU'S" to her mom for paying for ALL of the wedding and stating her and my oldest son appreciate it all.  Well I guess the $4500.00 I have given them for the wedding means nothing.  Luckily I remembered don't go there and it pasted quickly, but it's still a challenge.  I know that once the wedding is over I will not have to see them as often.  The sad part is that my oldest son has allowed DIL to break up our family.  DIL won't come to my home due to HER issues with youngest son's girlfriend.  So I will enjoy my youngest son, his girlfriend and their family and friends and move on and hope one day that my oldest son will figure it out. 

Love to you Julia - It's hard to do tough love but believe me things would have been different for me if I had done more of it.  We love unconditionally but we always try to make them happy and that is not always the right way - sending love to you.

I know how this feels, Autumnlady. One day you're okay and the next, heartbreak. Surely there is light at the end of this tunnel? I want to get out. Up and down just about kills me.  I'm plagued with what I did to cause this and how all could have seemed well to me until he married.  Maybe it wasn't.  I wonder if I raised a self centered brat of a son and I'm now seeing it?  I think so.  How could he allow his wife to treat us like this?

[luise.volta]

That's where the dead end lies...in the "how-coulds." Looking for cause and effect and looking for logic is deadly. It "could" cost you your sanity. I have something I say to myself on the very rare occasions that such questions again rear their ugly heads...I say to myself, "Come on, Luise, don't clutter this up with logic!"

Then I wrap my arms around myself and give myself a big hug! That's where solid, reliable reassurance comes from, within.

Sending love...

[autumnlady]

Barely There - I know what you mean, the main thing is WE HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG and I don't think we raised a self-centered brat, but society has changed the way children treat their parents.  You have to let go it's HIS problem not yours.  They are adults, for better or worse.  I will always love my son, but right now I do not like him.  I take one day at a time, we are human and because we are their mother's we will have those days, but hopefully they will become less and the hurt not as bad as time goes on.

Luise - That is exactly what I finally figured out - it's not logical because they are not logical.  If it was logical then it would make sense....I don't try to understand it anymore, I just accept it, even though it's wrong.   I have found it's easier to let go,  I am free now to live the remainder of my life happy not stressed out.  My younger son and his girlfriend told me just the other day you seem so relaxed now that DS #1 has moved  out! Yes they are right I am truly relaxed and happy for the first time in a long time.

Love to all of us, we take each day and do the best we can.  Sending hugs......

[barelythere]

Barely There - I know what you mean, the main thing is WE HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG and I don't think we raised a self-centered brat, but society has changed the way children treat their parents.  You have to let go it's HIS problem not yours.  They are adults, for better or worse.  I will always love my son, but right now I do not like him.  I take one day at a time, we are human and because we are their mother's we will have those days, but hopefully they will become less and the hurt not as bad as time goes on.

Luise - That is exactly what I finally figured out - it's not logical because they are not logical.  If it was logical then it would make sense....I don't try to understand it anymore, I just accept it, even though it's wrong.   I have found it's easier to let go,  I am free now to live the remainder of my life happy not stressed out.  My younger son and his girlfriend told me just the other day you seem so relaxed now that DS #1 has moved  out! Yes they are right I am truly relaxed and happy for the first time in a long time.

Love to all of us, we take each day and do the best we can.  Sending hugs......

Autumnlady, thank you, I know I've done nothing wrong but when you can see someone whiddling away with every single fault you have and whispering in your son's ear those things, it's infuriating. That's what's been done to me. She sat quietly while she learned more and more about me, making me think she was my friend, using me along the way too. Then, when she was ready, she didn't need me to babysit anymore so all the things I thought were told to her in confidence were twisted to make me look horrible.  A Mother is supposed to give her everything for her children and then they leave and you're supposed to sit there and get over it, never mind that you're being lied about and all your little flaws are being blown up to your son.  No, the level of respect for Grandparents or parents is not there any longer. A Principal of a High School told us yesterday that he had a victory of sorts the day before. The whole day went by and none of the students told him to (use your imagination) that day. Pitiful.

[luise.volta]

It really doesn't matter how much justification we have or how much we were wronged. That was the hardest thing for me to get. I finally realized that I wasn't a victim and I wasn't helpless. I could choose to be right or I could choose to be happy. It was up to me.

Letting go of being right and my whole story about being wronged was really difficult for me but I eventually made it and on the other side, was peace. Some never get there...they are too attached to the details of the injustice done to them to move on.

Sending love...

[autumnlady]

Barely There - That is so sad. I really never got to know my DIL she was cold and standoffish from the beginning.  My son was frustrated and talked to me alot until he finally changed to her ways it took about a year, but I saw it too.  Watching your child go from a caring and fun loving person to a cold, rude person you don't even know.  Having them laugh at you behind your back or in front of your face is the worse disrespect I know.  Your DIL sounds like a real piece of work.  My DIL is not worth me getting to know believe me I have tried and I found out she is a user and a fake.  The sad part is everyone says to me you are so lucky to have a DIL like her.  I say yes and smile - little do they know.  But I will NEVER let is out.  The less they know the better it is for me.  My true close friends know and I keep it that way.  I never associate with anyone she knows.

You were treated badly and I don't know the answers I just know that I won't allow them to make me feel bad about myself anymore.   We as mother's never thought this would ever happen to us, but it has and I think that is the worst part when you are alone with your thoughts, that is when we need to be the strongest!  We have to let ourselves be happy and not worry about them anymore - because it only causes more pain. 

Luise - I too was stuck on the wrong and I am a victim.  I know that is a losing battle and I choose to be happy.  I just recently arrived at this place and it's been a long 3 years...but I am getting there most days.  Letting go of the being wronged is the hardest part.  I keep working on it daily because I am not a victim anymore and I only person that controls my happiness is ME!  Sending hugs....

[luise.volta]

Yes, it took me years, too , with many "relapses." Good for you for coming to your own rescue! 

[barelythere]

Barely There - That is so sad. I really never got to know my DIL she was cold and standoffish from the beginning.  My son was frustrated and talked to me alot until he finally changed to her ways it took about a year, but I saw it too.  Watching your child go from a caring and fun loving person to a cold, rude person you don't even know.  Having them laugh at you behind your back or in front of your face is the worse disrespect I know.  Your DIL sounds like a real piece of work.  My DIL is not worth me getting to know believe me I have tried and I found out she is a user and a fake.  The sad part is everyone says to me you are so lucky to have a DIL like her.  I say yes and smile - little do they know.  But I will NEVER let is out.  The less they know the better it is for me.  My true close friends know and I keep it that way.  I never associate with anyone she knows.

You were treated badly and I don't know the answers I just know that I won't allow them to make me feel bad about myself anymore.   We as mother's never thought this would ever happen to us, but it has and I think that is the worst part when you are alone with your thoughts, that is when we need to be the strongest!  We have to let ourselves be happy and not worry about them anymore - because it only causes more pain. 

Luise - I too was stuck on the wrong and I am a victim.  I know that is a losing battle and I choose to be happy.  I just recently arrived at this place and it's been a long 3 years...but I am getting there most days.  Letting go of the being wronged is the hardest part.  I keep working on it daily because I am not a victim anymore and I only person that controls my happiness is ME!  Sending hugs....

It must be common to have relapses. I think I'm strong one day and then I'm feeling sorry for myself again.  I have never met anyone so fake and such a user. I must take my life back. I did have one.

[luise.volta]

You are what matters. What she is and what she isn't does not change anything. Thinking about it is more of the Be Right Monster.//eating you alive. I know...believe me! It's horrible!

[barelythere]

You are what matters. What she is and what she isn't does not change anything. Thinking about it is more of the Be Right Monster.//eating you alive. I know...believe me! It's horrible!

I don't want to be right.  I'm just a pushover, that's all.  I am what matters and I know that deep down.  I did have a life and I was somebody.  I'm trying so hard but this takes the life out of you and knocks you for a loop. Just looking for some kind of love in your son's eyes is a heart killer right there.  He seems afraid to be alone with me.  I don't get that.  Here this loving kind person is afraid to be alone with his Mother.  Too much guilt. 

[luise.volta]

All of those comments fall under the "be right" category. It's excruciating to let go and your life depends on it. For any of us it took years.