Felt Really Bad tonight

[Miss Understood]

So...wondered why my Ex, my DS's father wouldn't return my call and was giving me the silent treatment too for 2 1/2 months, finally came to reality tonight. Took my youngest DD to a school event and there was my ex and his kids walking up the side walk. When he saw me, my DH and DD...he turned around fast and went to his car and sat with his kids till we were out of sight. I was shocked. This is a man who says he is a Christian. Now I know something is stinky. I know now that something my DS and DIL did, said or whatever....has turned them against us too. I also heard from several people this week that claim my son is unhappy, threatened and frightened to stand up to his wife and is only staying with her because he fears she will leave or do something with the baby. I, as a mother...am worried by this. But, after seeing my ex and knowing that his wife told me 2 weeks ago that it wasn't a problem with my DIL but my DS trying to "make his own being" really tells me that he doesn't have anyone in his life to encourage him to make ammends, be real, do the right thing, etc. They are as blind as I was until the whole thing blew up in my face....I couldn't believe it either, she seemed so sweet until the last phone call. She is very cunning. She walks like and angel, talks like an angel but she's the devil in disguise.  It's very ironic...My Ex, his wife and my DH and myself always got along and when my DS and DIL got married, she told me she felt bad that her mom and dad hated eachother. She would ask me how come we always got along so well. I would just tell her, "lots of forgiveness and lots of understanding." My DS despises her father and her father despises my DS. Now she gets her wish...she has broken up our entire family....my ex and I do not speak (not on my end...but his, I don't know what she did or what she convinced my DS to do) She probably feels pretty good about herself knowing that she has caused so much drama and feels ultimately in control of him. Also, heard from DS's really close friend that my DS had to get a tattoo of DIL's name on ring finger or else and he called another friend that he was miserable and was afraid of her. How can I stop worrying now and let him reap what he has sowed? I am riddled with the worry and I am tired of making these excuses that he is a wonderful saint that is just hurt when he is a grown up that made poor choices that is not my fault and a reflection on what I did and how I raised him. I'm struggling with this tonight. Help....I am venting....my husband has had enough

[luise.volta]

It is not yours. DS is an adult...functional or dysfunctional. Let go of the drama. Stop trying to figure it out. Move past being a victim. Turn toward what is positive. What you focus on...expands. If you stay in the story, it will take you over...it nearly has. Stop.

[Miss Understood]

I know all this. Tell me please...I live in a small town...I can't even go into the grocery store without running into someone who knows something or someone who knows something about this horrible nonsense. It is exhausting...but how do you live through this when it lives around you all the time? How do you detach, disconnect and move forward when everything is shoved in your face constantly. Even removing them all from FB and trying not to go out much, etc. It is there.....though you are now the bad guy. How can you convince yourself that you aren't really the bad guy, who cares what anyone says about you or thinks about you when you really are in grief and really do care what your DS DOES think about you and why this is happening to begin with? I know I can't make sense of something that doesn't make sense. I know all this...though, when you run into people that try to make it their business....every person seem to judge you...like, "what did you do?" It's like we have some disease. It makes no sense to them...like it makes no sense to us. It's a strange horror movie or nightmare that I can't get out of. I am not making myself a victim....I just don't know how to not be a victim. I need help with this.

[Pen]

You dig deep and find your center. If it takes doing something physical such as walking, yoga, dancing to music you used to love, do it. It'll be hard and you'll not be into it at all. You'll feel awkward at first, but eventually you'll feel great. Then you put on clothes and accessories that feel great, or get a pedi/mani. I've said this before because it works - if you wear something that will 'cue in' your confidence when you're out amongst sharks, you'll be reminded to hold your head up and walk proudly (pardon the mixed metaphors there.)

Stand tall! Best wishes to you.

[luise.volta]

We can't help you. You can, however, help yourself if you are willing to let go of all of it. If you are attached to it and not willing to do that, you will play it over and over and drown in self pity at the injustice of it all. Then your posts will become repetitious and our advice will become stale and nothing will happen. You have been given tools. Break the dynamics by using them.

[chelmsford36]

During the good days it must be wonderful to live in a small town, that fuzzy feeling of belonging, but there is a price.
I agree with Louise (by the way, I admire what you're doing, Louise, keeping this blog and responding in wise ways!) that there are situations where you can only help yourself. The process of getting to terms with what seems a bad situation, however, takes time and there is unfortunately no given time frame. It will just take as long as it must! Not very comforting words,
I know but once you've crossed this bridge, you will look back a much stronger person.
Thinking of you and sending wishes that all will be well in the not too distant future.

[Miss Understood]

I had a bad night last night. I have been working my way into the land of the living. I have been back on my morning bike rides, back to work. Meditation, had the mani-pedi. Planned a girls weekend away...even went two days with no tears...it's just so hard running in the same circle as other associated with my DS. It seems almost impossible at those moments to turn mind over matter. I just hit a low point last night and was venting. I am moving forward towards life an acceptance of this nonsense...I just took that 1 step back for every 2 steps forward. I assume that is normal and I read here through other posts that occassionally we all slip into the self pity party. How can we not feel bad for ourselves from time to time? These are our children...who would have ever imagined we'd ever have to deal with this?

Someone sent this to me...it's so true;
Isn't ironic how we ignore the people who adore us, adore the people who ignore us, love the people who hurt us and hurt the people who love us.

Thank you for all your support and for allowing me to self pity in public for my moment of absolute true weakness. It's funny how you can be known as the strongest woman anyone knows, including yourself and this happens and you turn into the weakest person. Maybe it's control, maybe most things in our lives we are able to give up control on and be strong, over come the obstacles easier  and maybe it's a plain flaw as mothers to NOT be able easily give up that with our children. Dealing with my cancer seemed easier than this, it had a label. It had sense to it, I knew what I was fighting, standing up against...I tackled the known. I regained my life...then this happned and I feel on occassions that I am in that ride at the fair, the round up...goes round and round, you are stuck there until IT stops and you CAN get off. I hate not having control of me! Maybe that is why I am struggling sometimes. Plus, I am vocal and I spill it out...I hope that doesn't offend anyone   

[miss_priss]

wait, your ex actually HID from you?  What a wimp!  That's his problem dear, not yours. 

There's a big difference between needing pity and needing support.  We all have stumbling blocks, but you're getting there!  Instead of focusing on how far you have left to go, keep your chin up and be proud of yourself for how far you've already come!

This is totally off-subject, but I think very much related....

One of the very first things I learned in the Army is that the only person who can save you is YOU.  Of course you depend on your team (family) for support.  But in the end you have grab your OWN boot straps (dignity), carry your OWN gear (burdens), pack your OWN 'chute (plan), then jump out and ride the wind (life). 

Don't get left in the barracks because you couldn't put on your own boots!     

[Miss Understood]

Thanks MP! Loved that analagy. I know...I know. I know all of this. I am so good at preaching to others, just not good at taking my own medicine. I am laughing now because my DH said my ex was a sissy just like my DS. He's right. My DS learned this behavior from his father. Just for info...when my DS was born and a very small baby, my ex went out for milk, never came home, stole everything from me and left me with 2 kids, not a quarter to make a phone call and totally blind sided. It took years for us to speak and I have always been his ally. He lost custody and had only supervised visitation. It was me who allowed him back in my DS's life and helped him nurture a relationship and we became friends....so I thought. Any way...I over came very well from what my ex did to me 20 years ago. I can over come it again. It hurt last night, made me laugh this morning. Funny thing...this man claims he is this great christian man. He's just liking being the head cheese right now. He can, he can have it!

[Pooh]

MU, I totally understand about small town life.  I was there.   My Ex left me after a 21 year marriage for a 27 year old.  The bad thing was, I worked for 911, he was an Officer and the 27 year old was in EMS, all in the same town.  While this was going on, I would have to dispatch for both of them.  Talk about exhausting and awkward for everyone involved.  So my divorce was in the forefront of gossip in this small town.

I had to make a choice.  I either had to stay and keep my head up, knowing this was not my fault and that eventually, someone else would do something, and the gossip would move on.  Or leave and start over.  I chose to leave because I needed to do it for myself.  Now, I didn't run....I chose to leave.  I was being constantly confronted about it from people.   Even though the majority of people were supportive of me, it was still constantly in my face.  It was a very hard decision for me to make, because I loved where I lived and the small-town life.

I am not saying that you need to leave.  You have to make your own decisions.  But I do know what it is like living in a very small town with everyone in everyone's business.  But I also know that as soon as something else comes along that is more interesting, they will move on with their gossip.  You have to do what is right for you, but if you choose to stay, you have to really make a conscious effort to let it go.  I got to one point, where when I would be grocery stopping and someone would stop me and say, "Hey, I heard what XXXXX did to you.  How could he do that?."  I would smile and say, "Why don't you go ask him that because I am over it and have moved on."  And I would walk off.  They would be standing there looking at me and I would be giggling to myself, because I knew they would never go say anything to him.  People that gossip don't do that.  They usually are just looking for more dirt.  Make sure that you are not providing it and they will stop.  If you are standing there talking to them and giving them details, even if you are defending yourself, you are just giving them more dirt to run with.

So I do know it is very hard to have it in your face all the time.  And yes, there were days where I would have a pity-party.  But as soon as I saw that coming, I would refocus on something else til the feeling passed.  Eventually, the pity-party feeling came less and less and then they went away.  Hang in there.

[Miss Understood]

Thanks Pooh. I dealt with my divorce from my ex like you. I never left though. I can't really. I have a lot of other committments here, including my successful business and my DH's carreer.
The people I run into are not gossipping. I run into his friends which are upset with him and his choices too and my ex's family or her family who don't say anything...just hide when they see me. So, it's a little different than people coming up and asking me about him or what is going on.
I'm not going anywhere. As a matter of fact...My logical side is speaking right now....They, my ex, her family and all those hiders can stick their head in the sand and pretend away. I know in my heart that I did nothing wrong and neither did my family to deserve this nonsense. Nonsense it is and I am going to stand on the truth and believe in myself and HOPE that my DS will figure this all out someday. If not....I want to be fine with me.

[cremebrulee]

I to lived in a small town....and know what it's like...first your going to have to adopt the attitutude, that if someone comes to you, and trys and talks to you about it, tell them right out, thank you, but I prefer not to discuss it...and if they continue, walk away...it's a great exercise for the self....don't worry about how they feel, they're not really worried about how you feel...or even consider that you might not want to talk about it.

OK, tell yourself and believe it, that you are obsessing over this, which isn't healthy, what it does is consume your whole life....and believe me, many times I said, over and over, "I don't like who I've become because of this".  You become so obsessed with it, you run with it and actually allow it to overtake you and eat you alive...don't do it, fight it....

Your son is a grown adult...believe it....he is not the baby you held in your arms anymore that you feel like you need to protect...you must become aware of that....he is an adult, this is HIS life, and HIS turn....you've got to allow him mistakes, in order to learn....it's the only way we humans, do things...

Also, when the time comes that he does leave her, get him into counseling if you can, to find out why he choose someone so dysfunctional and controlling.  Yes, she is not a nice person, however, why was he attracted to her, why didn't he look for flags or listen to his inner voice...did he feel like he had to be married to appease society?  Many of us feel like we have to be married to be successful, and we don't.  Many of us are hungry for love, so we choose the first person who comes along and gives us attention....was he in a big hurry to have someone take care of him, was he in love with lust?  Sorry, but one must consider that to?  There are many reasons why people et married, but these reasons are not good ones...and it's up to him to remain single and do a lot of self explorations to find out why he choose someone like this.

I found all these things out, after I was done blaming my husband for running around on me, and then realized, I needed to find out why I choose someone so dysfunctional....one of the reasons was, due to my upbringing, I didn't think I deserved any better...and a lot of other reasons....

So, breath easy and understand, he needs to go thru this to grow....to mature....do not intervien right now....if he comes to you support him and tell him you do...otherwise, mom, keep a stiff upper lip and hope for the best...in the meantime, work on you....when our children leave home, it's out of our hands, our jobs are over...and you have to keep telling yourself this so you WILL believe it....I did....My son is an adult, my job is over, it's his life now, it's his turn to make mistakes and learn from them, that is human nature...it isn't the end of his world or yours...life does go on...just be there for him when he needs you, otherwise, please stay out of his life...it's none of your business anymore....I know, I know, it sounds harsh, you want to say, "but he's my son", and yes he is, but he is no longer your child....give him what he needs to have....and in time, it will work itself out if you do. 

And believe me, there is much to learn from this also, for your growth....we constantly grow until the day we die, just b/c we're adults doesn't say we're immune from learning....it's life, it's the natural process...nothing more, nothing less....some good times, some not so good times, however, the not so good times, always holds a lesson for us...believe me, no matter how bad it is...or may seem, if you open yourself up to that concept and believe in it...it works the nuts......

Big hugs and love
Creme

as far as your ex is concerned...friends?  If you were really friends, he would have come to you and discussed what ever it was instead of hiding from you in the car like a child, and I wold tell him that someday, if the subject comes up....the less you say, the better off you are...make friends with other people and not your ex....and his wife....be nice and hospitable, but, choose your friends in other circles....it's nice that you all get along, but somewhere along the line, there to, must be boundaries....

[Miss Understood]

Thanks Creme. I will read and re-read what you say. I know! I do know! I'm not a stupid woman...I just feel helpless against my own self. I am trying so hard to STOP the analyzing what is happening and take it one day at a time. I'll be o.k. I guess I am more scared about letting go than actually letting go. I want to...just struggle with it. I never had a chance to ease into it. It was like the axe fell and chopped of my arm rather than a slow gnaw. He was only 2 months out of highschool, still living at home...very attached to the hip! So....I'm tender. I will read wisely and thanks for the support and advise from everyone.

[cremebrulee]

Thanks Creme. I will read and re-read what you say. I know! I do know! I'm not a stupid woman...I just feel helpless against my own self. I am trying so hard to STOP the analyzing what is happening and take it one day at a time. I'll be o.k. I guess I am more scared about letting go than actually letting go. I want to...just struggle with it. I never had a chance to ease into it. It was like the axe fell and chopped of my arm rather than a slow gnaw. He was only 2 months out of highschool, still living at home...very attached to the hip! So....I'm tender. I will read wisely and thanks for the support and advise from everyone.

I know, hugs, believe me, I was there....we can so be our own worst enimies....remember, there isn't anything we can't do, if we want it bad enough...nothing can stop us...and, when we are personally involved it's so much harder to see the forest thru the trees, so don't beat yourself up, and if you have the resouces, get away, I mean seriously, get away, if only for a weekend, start to pamper yourself....we mom's get so used to giving up stuff b/c we were moms for so long, and then when the kids leave, the house becomes so unbelievably quiet...it's a huge transition...so, start fulfilling your dreams, and don't be that kind of person who is afraid to spend money....you earned it, go enjoy it...please, don't think you have to leave the kids a fortune....my God, girl, life is out there, all you have to do is reach for it....make it happen....get out of that old routine of yours, and change things, first of all, start off little, once a week, or once a month, whatever you have the resources for, start planning something special for you and hubby, and go...take a bus trip somewhere, go to dinner and a movie, make one night a dress up night, go to a concert at a casino....splurg from the dinner and go to a really nice place, where it costs 30.00 a plate....I mean it, treat yourself if you can....and if you can't then there are still a whole lot of options out there for you, believe me, just open the newspaper and check on what community events are going on....but get out there and live, ride a bike, go roller skating, ice skating, heck, if your up to it, try bungie jumping....LOL, I wouldn't advise it if your afraid of heights....plan dinner parties, for some friends, do a girls night out with some friends...we single gals in my community, go to dinner every Friday night....sometimes dinners, and some times a little nicer...depends on our pocket books....oh, save for a cruise....however, I love just renting a cottage by the ocean on an island and tourning the whole island, cuz every island has it's very own history....but cruises are nice...I just don't like the idea of being around so many people on vacation and living by someone else's schedule....I love to tour and veg, eat when I'm hungry, not b/c it's lunch or dinner time....and leave your cell phone the heck home....think about NO THING....it's spectacular.

oh and psst, your not as afraid of letting go, as you are of change...and getting out of your very own rut you've created for yourself....one of the things I did, was I started changing my entire routine....it becomes our safty zone and we fear donig anything different, and we make all the excuses in the world, why we shouldn't do it, to convince ourselves...watch and read on here, or any other forum...and listen to all the excuses we can find of why we shouldn't do it.....however, when we do, do it, we have a great time.   and more then anything else, we're glad we went.  Go to a horseshow or dog show....see a broadway show...take a trip upstate, and just stop and rent a place for the night, spend Christmas in a cabin somewhere instead of the old tradition of cooking a big dinner....I go away for Christmas...I rent a place by the ocean and just veg....stop and pick up a lobster tail....biggest one I can find, and a small prime rib and cook that Christmas eve, and it feeds me for a few days...Christmas day I take a walk on the beach, you'll be shocked if you live on the east coast, up north, how different the beach is during off season...the people are kinder, not nearly as many tourists...you can take your dog and walk on the beach, you can read a book till the cows come home, take in a movie, or have a picnic by the tv on the floor, order chinese out...there are tons of things you can do....and have fun planning them....

Believe me hun, I've been where you are....

[Miss Understood]

Thank you for the encouraging words. I have been doing things different this week. I rode my bike each day (which I stopped when this happened...out of guilt) I played my piano for an hour this morning when I put my work on hold and now I am packing my suitcase and taking a weekend vacation to go visit some dear relatives I haven't seen in a while and have a nice weekend...without my hubby and youngest DD. I got my nails done yesterday, highlighted my hair and went back to work this week for a truly successful week. On the outside...I look like my old self, working on the inside though. I did laugh this morning...which was a REALLY good thing.
Thanks again.