I don't know how long these posts are supposed to be, but mine may end up being too long. My problems with my daughter started when she was 12. I was going through a very difficult, long drawn out and traumatic divorce from my second husband (who was not my daughter's father) and I became very depressed -- couldn't quit crying, unable to concentrate at work, etc. I went to the the company psychiatrist and he sent me to a family counseling center. They recommended that I go for thirty days treatment for Alanon. (Lots of alcoholism in my family and both husband's alcoholics and drug dependent.) My daughter and son went to stay with my ex-mother-in-law while I went to treatment, with the provision that my children stay there until the end of the school year (about five months). I never should have agreed because once she was established there and I was away at treatment, she began turning my daughter away from me. My son was not her biological grandchild and he was older than my daughter and therefore not as easily influenced. The short and the long of it is, my daughter decided she wanted to stay there and would not come back with me when it was time for her and my son to come home. They started custody proceedings and I went right down the tubes again with the depression and anxiety. I ended up losing my job (I quit because I couldn't handle the stress anymore) and my son and I went moved away to stay with my Father for a while. The irony in all of this is the day before I was left (after I had quit my job and packed all my stuff), my daughter calls and says she wants to come home. I told her I was sorry, but it was too late. The courts had given her grandmother temporary custody of her and I was not allowed to take her out of the state. I stayed at my Dad's house for about three months and when I got home she no longer wanted to see me or her brother. I tried to stay in contact, but her grandmother made it so difficult keeping my daughter so busy she never had time for us. I told her one day that I never knew when she had a free weekend (she was barrel racing) so I would let her call me and I would come to get her for a visit. Well, I didn't hear from her for a long while so I called her and asked her what she was doing. She said nothing and I asked her why she didn't call and she was very hateful and said I was supposed to call her --she wasn't supposed to call me. I gave up after that and I didn't hear from her until she was about 17. She called and wanted to see me and her brother, but wanted to meet at my nieces house. So my son, my Dad and I drove down and when we got there she had her boyfriend with her and was very standoffish and less than friendly. I felt very uncomfortable. I managed to get a few minutes with her by myself before she left, but she had very little to say. Her main topic of conversation was trying to talk my son into coming to visit her grandmother (who my son didn't really want to see) and when he told her he wasn't interested in seeing her she said it was time for her to leave and she wouldn't have anything to do with either of us after that. I cried for a week and after that my father said he was tired of her attitude and he said he didn't want to deal with her anymore. I didn't hear from her again until she was 29 and she called me wanting to see me and her brother. He didn't want to go saying he was leery from the way she acted the last time we saw her so I went (my father had passed away by that time). We met at the mall and everything was going okay (not great, but okay) until her grandmother and Aunt started calling her on her cell phone every 15 minutes to "see how things were going and if she was okay". I excused the first phone call, but after the third call, I started getting a little miffed. And she was staying on the phone with them and ignoring me. After that I cried for another week and finally gave up again. I have heard from people who know her that it was "my fault" our visit didn't go well. I guess I am "expendable" in her life and she has made it more than plain to me that she doesn't need me or want me in her life. She is a medical professional now. She makes a lot of money. I know she is with a man whose family has a lot of money. I am poor as a church mouse and I am sure would be an embarrassment for her. I see no hope that she and I will ever have a relationship and I could accept that easier if the rest of my family would quit bothering me about turning my resentment lose and "forgiving" her and everyone involved who contributed to my losing my daughter. How can you forgive people who keep kicking you in the teeth. I have a lot of resentment and anger and I don't see it going away any time soon. I wish all of this hadn't happened, but it did and I can't change history. Her father (my first husband) was very abusive to me and has never, as far as I know, had to atone for anything he ever did to hurt me or my children. He was also abusive to my son, but my daughter acts like he's God's gift from heaven. More resentment and bitterness. While he was running around hanging out in the bars getting drunk and chasing women, I was at home taking care of my kids, but you don't hear that scenario being batted around much. There's been a lot of manipulation and dishonesty that has played into all of this for many years and sometimes I can hardly handle thinking about it all. Any advice would be appreciated.
