greed, I guess

[sunnyak]

My daughter just told my grandson that they can't afford for him to play hockey this winter.  They just bought a 52' TV, and new dining room set, new couches.  None of this stuff did they need; they just bought all of this new 3 years ago.  They walk around sipping on $3.00 coffee and eat out or order in most nights.  My grandson is devestated; he lives for hockey.  I live on SS, but I guess somehow I will have to figure out how to pay for it.

[luise.volta]

You don't have to. You're at choice. Have you talked to you son about this?

[Scoop]

Sunny, I think you should change the way you think about this.  Because you've jumped to a negative conclusion here (that your DD and SIL are being greedy).  And comparing money they spent 3 years ago, with money they don't have NOW, is not fair.  Times have changed significantly since 3 years ago.

If you commit your child to hockey, it's more than just about money, there's a LOT of time involved too.  And some of those practices end up being at 5:30 in the AM, because that's when they can get rink time.  There's also travel to different cities for games, which often ends up eating the whole weekend.

And Hockey is SUPER-expensive, it's not just $200 (or whatever) to join in, it's the gear, the skates, keeping them sharp, traveling to and staying in different cities (and eating too).  It's a HUGE investment of time and money.

This is a decision that your DD and her husband have made and I don't think you should challenge it.  Maybe his marks are suffering?  Maybe he's getting too much of a jock/bully mentality?  Maybe at the next level they start doing body checks and getting more violent?  Maybe he's not good enough to join the next level?  (It's sad, but not everyone who loves hockey is GOOD at hockey, and out of the good ones, there are very few GREAT ones.)

That being said, you can offer to pay some of it for his Christmas/birthday present, but not in front of him.

I think that if you're here, you probably have some relationship troubles and I think that this is one thing that could go either way to make things worse or better.

[Pen]

Scoop, I think Sunnyak meant that they spent money 3 years ago on TV, furniture, etc. and then re-purchased the same stuff recently. How worn out could all of that original stuff be in just 3 years?

Had they not given a lack of funds as the excuse for not letting GS play hockey, the re-purchasing of expensive stuff wouldn't be an issue. They didn't mention his grades or the time or travel commitments as the reason for the "no hockey" decision according to Sunnyak.

However, it is their decision and unfortunately the child misses out. Sunnyak, you could step in it big time if you go against their wishes. Plus, on a fixed income you shouldn't feel obligated to pay for this. It's enabling the parents, actually, to continue their big-spending ways at the expense of their son since Gran will be there to help!

[kathleen]

Sunny,

It's my understanding that kids who maintain a sport have lower incidences of behavior problems and addictions.  But it should be OK to play the sport and enjoy it without your GS feeling he has to be a star.  Maybe you can make that clear to him, be the person to support him unconditionally and encourage his love of the game.  His unhappiness comes through loud and clear in your email, and I hope you can alleviate it. How sad for him that his parents will not support the sport he loves.

I am certain that my football playing son would have gotten into some kind of mischief, maybe serious trouble, if he hadn't loved the game and spent so much time at after-school practices.  I don't particularly like football, but he was determined to play and I saw that keeping a boy from his sport was going to cause big problems of rebellion.  Eventually he got a part-time job and paid for some expenses himself, but really it was a school team (at a very good high school) and we never experienced much expense with it.  Maybe your GS could get a part-time job, anything, delivering papers if he is too young to work at a regular job.  If he had to pay some himself, this also would show you motivation; $200 isn't a lot to have to earn.  If he was willing to do that, perhaps you could cut a deal with the parents to loan him the money (school is starting soon) and he would pay you back from his earnings---privately, out of your GS's earshot of course?  These earnings also could go for his equipment.

Sunny, if you cannot afford this and the parents won't pay, are there pickup hockey teams in the area where he could play without the pressure of having to be a star?  (I realize that won't be the same.)  Can you find ways to encourage and support him that don't involve money? 

As for the "star" thing, actually some kids do make it.  My other son tried out in an international competition.  He thought he had no chance against the other 1,000 applicants.  He won a coveted spot and twice.  This set the stage for admission to a very good college, a graduate degree, and his present career. The first money he ever made as a professional was payment from Harvard University. But he wasn't pushed into this during his childhood, nor would he have been made to feel bad if he hadn't gotten this honor.  We treated it as a lark, with no expectations, but thrilled for him when he won.  The training he needed did involve financial sacrifice on our part as he grew up.  Now it is paying huge benefits to us all.  Kids should go with their loves.  Sports provides wonderful training, discipline, and keeps kids physically fit (heaven knows they need that, with all the junk food availability today.)

Please let us know how this works out.  In any event, he is lucky to have you, his grandmother, the lady that loves and understands him.

Kathleen