Ladies, I am truly sorry for what you've had to deal with....your stories are heart wrenching...
All I could think about reading these stories was my very own maternal mother...She hated me from time she became pregnant with me. Now, from my other postings, I suppose you know her father was an alcoholic and there was incest going on. All her sisters except one, were mentally incompetent. One killed herself. They're mother died very young, from cancer, but from what I understand, my Grandfather was physically abusive, and it must be true, b/c my mother beat me badly.
I remember her as a child, being married to a very abusive man...he hated me also, used to chase me around the coffee table, calling me a whap and a dego....b/c I'm dark skinned, and don't really know who my real father is? My mother lies terrible....and it's all for attention...she generates sicknesses, for attention, and when my last really nice step father was dying, she was so mean to him....plus we didn't believe that he was that bad, until the doctor called me....b/c she uses other people to generate attention.
My life as a child with her was horrible....however, the parts where she made me cook, clean, iron, and grocery shop were to my benefit. I did everything but pay the bills. I remember my foster mother telling me, that the men at the store used to feel so sorry for me, that she made me grocery shop, they'd help me carry the groceries home...I just thought they were being helpful and doing they're job.
she used to scream at me so badly, that my ears would ring...all about,
"I could have given you up for adoption but didn't" and I'd think, "I wish you had" and even told her that once. She's slap me so hard across the ears, they'd ring, and I can still hear that sound today. She gave me bloody noses, etc. She was very cruel and mean...and when I told her I was leaving home and going to work my way thru college, she replied, "no your not, your staying here and working a full time job and pay me back for all the years I raised you". Well, I worked since I was 13 years old and handed every cent over to her.
So, I told my boyfriend I was leaving and he said, marry me instead, I love you and we'll be fine. He was a rock for me during high school, along with my foster parents....I don't know what I would have done today without them....they were my lifeline.
What I struggle with is this....I feel very sorry for her...she has no friends....none...but she uses people....big time....always has.....and I don't go to see her much except on her birthday, mother's day, Thanksgiving and Christmas. I always give her money, b/c if I buy her a gift, she makes me take it back and get her something else, which always costs more.
When I was little, she'd do the same thing....and when I left home and she married the nice man who was my last step father, she made him do all the grocery shopping....and made him go back if he got something wrong. Actually she'd find something wrong, just to make your life miserable.
she'd make me clean and iron, before I'd go out to play...and I'd try to get done so I'd have some play time, however, if it wasn't done right I had to do it all over again....
she talked about everyone, no one was any good, and she was brutal....hated people who were well to do...hated herself really.
I could tell you stories that would make your hair stand up on your arms, but I refuse to go there any longer, and some of the things, I just would be to embarrassed to write or tell anyone about. I did see a physcologist for a long time while I was married....and told him everything. My husband would go in after me, and told me, the doctor shook his head saying, "I've know women who were much less off then her, and are in mental hospitals. She's a strong girl"
It's been difficult not to hate her, and I really don't think of her as my mother, I can't. And I don't hate her, but am very very angry with her for the way she treated my step father. The doctor himself called me to the hospital, on a Sunday no less....and when I got there, he started yelling, "you mother is a sick woman and should be hospitalized and proceeded to tell me how mean she was to my step dad. She made him feel so unwanted and sad....you see, he has to have a bag put on....he had cancer...and she went crazy about the smell and that she wasn't going to take care of him and he was a burden to her. However, it was HIS home they lived in, and he left everything to her. Do you know, the moment he died, she wanted to race home, cuz she kept saying, over and over again..."I know he changed the will, I know he changed the will".
He didn't.
Anyway, I feel guilty at times, b/c I don't really care about her....well, I do and I don't, if that makes sense? But I believe most of it is guilt, and I wonder how God feels about me. It's just so darn hard to visit her....or call her on the phone. She is really sick....you walk in, and before she closes the door she starts in about her, her, her....her bills, her sicknesses, and any other disgusting thing she can think of to talk about, and if you try and ignore her and watch the TV, she keeps on going, never stopping, never asking you if you want something to drink, or how is my son, her grand son....etc. It's all about her...and then she starts in on me, and my foster parents, and how she should have never left me go with them while she was working, and what a horrible daughter I was...and oh by the way, while I was growing up, she told everyone I was bad....and used to tell me, "Your going to get pregnant...." I vowed as a child I wouldn't, wouldn't give her that satisfaction to be right about me. And I didn't until I was married, it was that ingrained in me.
Here I am 61 years old, and have lived a pretty darn good life considering....consider myself extremely lucky, but have carried the fear all my life of being like her...so, I learned as a child to seclude myself from people....reason being, I was afraid that I'd disappoint them...but while growing up, I remember running around like a chicken without a head, trying so hard to please everyone. My foster family was very controlling...I suppose out of love and concern for me, and felt like they constantly had to tell me how to live my life....I appreciate that but it smothered me, so when my foster mother died, I cut them off, not completely, but told them they had to assume boundaries.
So, now I live in solitude and love it more then you could know, and very seldom do I get lonely. The one regret I do have, is, that b/c of my childhood, I always gravitated towards men that had to be fixed and had very unsuccessful marriages. Men who were so insecure, and just as mean as my real mother. Sheesh? Except my son's father...he was and still is a nice man, however, I was not in love with him, I loved him like a brother, and we were married very young, both very selfish and immature. We both made huge mistakes.
I just don't know, what I'm going to do with my real mother....she's getting worse and I could never have her come live with me....she'd go thru everything I have, and it's not the point I have anything to hide, it's the point that she is so untrustworthy....plus she'd yell and scream at me and I couldn't take it, I just couldn't. My son, has a very difficult time with her....he looses his temper, and he is so easy going and laid back.
When I ran away from home, she called my foster parents all night and all day long, I'm not exhaugerating....when I was a kid, and she was working at the theator, she'd call them constantly to check up to see if I was there, maybe 3 or 4 times a night. She'd tear my room apart looking for things, she'd call me when I was babysitting and make me say the most horrible things over the phone to make certain I didn't have a boy there with me. She is so horrible, yet, I could cry when I think of her....literally, my emotions about her are anger, frustration, embarrassement, and on and on.
So, ladies, all I can say, is God bless you for what you've had to deal with...and I sure hope our husbands are ok...if they are not, please, get them into counseling, b/c there has to be problems.
My foster mother used to always tell me, "She's still your mother, don't ever abandon her". Do you know they helped her out 3 times when my real mother was hospitalized. They paid her rent for 3 months and pre-paid her grocery bill for 3 months so we could eat and never told anyone they did it until later on when I was older, my foster sister told me, yet I suspected. And when my foster father died, my real mother didn't even as much as send flowers or a card....to my foster mother, and my foster mother took me into her home and raised me as if I were theres...but my real mother is so upset with that, b/c I made something of myself....oh, let me tell you, I'm not successful as a lot of people, but have done well considering....meaning, stability and being able to take care of myself....asking her for nothing.
She once even accussed me of making love to one of her husbands when I was older....she was filled with so much hate, she used to hit her husbands so much so....pushing they're buttons, so they'd hit her back. She didn't just yell and scream, but would keep on and on for hours about it, saying the most horrible things...I used to think that Satin was in her....b/c she'd be so cruel and degrading to you or anyone that ever cared about her....my first step father, beat her up terrible, but I witnessed the fights as a little girl...she'd push him, slap him, hit him, knock his glasses off...and there is no excuse to hit a woman....but she actually drove him to it....then she'd walk around, telling everyone he beat her, which he did, and he was wrong, he should have walked out...but from my own personal experience, let me tell you, growing up, there were many times, I almost hit her....she'd actually chase me into my closet and go at me verbally and physically, then throw all my clothes out of my closet adn tear my bed apart....turn over furnture, then come back to me....and I'd thank God when she left....and the people downstairs in the store used to hear it, we lived in a second floor apartment above a grocery store, but no one came to help?
?? Or reported her?
? I would have.....
Anyway, girls, you are to be commended for putting up with your MIL's and your husbands should be so greatful to have you and they're families after growig up with a woman like that....I bet a lot of times, deep within they're souls, they are not only embarrassed by they're mothers but fear that b/c they have they're mother's genes are afraid they may be like her.
It's very difficult to grow up like this....and yet, it does make us stronger....
I once tried to have my mother committed, and b/c I was only 20, I had to have someone an adult who was older testify to her behavior. My aunt, whose's husband was the one who abused us, said, my mother wasn't insane, she was just a child and never grew up...and needed a lot of attention....my 3rd step father, left my mother with just the clothes on his back, got on a plane and came home from Florida....he called me to meet with me and asked me why I never told him these things, and I said, "Would you have believed me". I wanted to, but I knew she put up such a good front, he wouldn't believe me.
He was so upset cuz he hit her....and told me, there was something very evil in her...she wouldn't stop until he hit her and then he started to cry, and said, he never hit anyone in his life....and literally couldn't take it any longer....I was angry with him for doing so, but understood how he felt....and felt sorry for him....
So, ladies I do understand what your going thru...there are just some people out there who are deeply disturbed....and I understand, why my mother is so dysfuncational, and thank God I had foster parents who cared....b/c I could have turned out just like her. My mother was beat as a young child, sexually abused and made to quit school and go to work and bring home all her money. Then bake and clean, and do laundry, cuz she was the oldest, and I think she was very angry about that. Then got pregnant with me, and was in those days, banned from society....everyone talked about her....she just lost it....
I should do more for her, I should....but it's so hard to be around her...I really loose patience with her....I'm a mature adult....and I should be able to put up with it, but I can't....why? Is it hate? I go off on her and get so angry with her, then when I leave, I think, why the heck didn't you just keep your mouth shut and let it roll off your back...you know what she's like? She brings the very worst out in you?
She is not capable of love....nor does she understand it....and I just don't know what to do.
Hugs and please forgive me for this rant....reading your stories, really touched my heartstrings and bought it all back....I'm glad your husbands have you....and thank you for contributing to this thread....
Creme
