Today was a real EYE OPENER

[1Glitterati]

Kathleen...I can admit that there was a time I WANTED to nurture the anger and fuel the hatred.  Because it felt good.  It felt powerful.  It felt righteous.  It felt clean and pure.  I wanted to do it because it was no less than they deserved.  And, actually...I still think that.  Problem (or not problem) is that I can't pull that off without destroying myself and my marriage.  And it wasn't that my hating his parents was the thing destroying the marriage (meaning that it wasn't that he couldn't stand the thought I hated them), it was who I was turning into because of the hate and rage.

The thing that made it all go away was something very nice that my sil and mil did for me.  It was an emergency situation.  They didn't have to, but they did.  It made me see them in a different light and just sort of made the hate and anger (mostly) drain away.  Like water going down a drain.

I really don't want to be around them...and I still blame them for what they did and am not going to forgive them until they actually realize and say that they were wrong AND apologize for it (which will NEVER happen), but I do let the kids go over and I don't hassle dh about seeing or talking to them.  I went to Xmas dinner last year and my mil actually said how much it meant to her and it honestly was from the heart.  I don't want to go this year--because I just don't and the condition of their house.  I'll probably have them over here for lunch on Xmas day.  Don't want to do that either, but I probably will.

Difference between me and alot of other dils who feel as I do is that prior to the big blow up...there were very few issues w/my inlaws.  There was one...that was growing and we were having to deal with--but it wasn't just my feelings on the issue...it was all the kids and spouses having it.  So I really did have a mostly good relationship until it all blew up.  I didn't have death by a thousand passive agressive, or even overt, paper-cuts.  If I had...I doubt I could be where I am now.  I'm really trying to be grateful for what I have and not focus so much on what I don't.  Don't get me wrong, I'll still cut someone out if they're hurting or damaging me and won't stop, but focusing on the overall good things in my life and enjoying them is making my life better.  Wallowing in what I cannot or willnot change doesn't---and I've greatly reduced the amount of that I do.  Just wish it hadn't taken me 40 years to work through so much stuff and get to this point.

Oh...have I ever mentioned that I live next door to my ils?

[luise.volta]

I look back on my long life from the vantage point of 83 and have regrets. I would never want it otherwise.

I have regrets because I'm not perfect and have not lived a perfect life. To not have regrets, to my way of thinking, is to not be honest and real. We make mistakes, we learn through mistakes at times and we can often look back, if we are evolving, and see clearly what might have worked better. I have regrets and I have compassion for my humanness.

What I don't want to see when I look back over my life is repetition. Making the same mistakes over and over expecting different results is idiocy. I have no compassion for living habitually.

[kathleen]

Glitter, wonderful reply.  Your ils live next door?  Oh, now on the flip side, don't turn into a saint!  That really is a character test.

I have regrets in life, mainly from lapses of judgment and some stupid things I did when I was young.  To me that's different than actively hating people and treating them with unkindness & then having to live with it.  I hope never to have that regret.  Regrets are a teaching tool, as Luise says.

Kathleen

[1Glitterati]

Glitter, wonderful reply.  Your ils live next door?  Oh, now on the flip side, don't turn into a saint!  That really is a character test.

I have regrets in life, mainly from lapses of judgment and some stupid things I did when I was young.  To me that's different than actively hating people and treating them with unkindness & then having to live with it.  I hope never to have that regret.  Regrets are a teaching tool, as Luise says.

Kathleen

Kathleen...it's only been for the last 4 years.  We built next to them.  I held out for years...and finally gave in because it was the only way for us to build the "dream" house we'd been planning for for nearly 15 years.  I just KNEW it was all going to go bad.  Yet...I stomped on that little voice and ignore it...and it jumped up and bit me in both butt cheeks.

I think living beside them...although it's not touching distance as we built on farm land...greatly exacerbated the levels of anger and resentment and loathing I felt.  Having to drive past their house every day to get to mine.  Twas driving me nuts.

Honestly, if we could, I would move.  However there is no way to walk away from this house without just giving it up in a bankruptcy or short selling it to the tune of 80 or 90K.  I'm not walking away owing that much money.  Also...it is dh's dream house (no longer is mine).  I could make him move...but I don't know if our marriage would survive if both of us had that much resentment buried in us.  Of course I have my days where I think to myself "And just why is his level of resentment any more important than yours?  Because in the end he got nearly all that he wanted--the house, the kids see his parents, he sees his parents, and you stopped bitching at him.  How is that equal?"

I just want to be clear in my posts that I haven't done what I've done because I'm such a good and kind person.  It would be great if I were or if I had.  I can be kind, and I like to be kind--but at heart I am an unforgiving person.  That's me...extremely loyal and extremely unforgiving.  Kind of paradoxical, but there it is.  I can only be hurt so much before I go on the attack or self-protect.  In the end I have done what I have done to save myself.  Yes, the end result is good for them and for dh---but I don't ever want to pretend that my motives for doing so have been pure.  I don't want to make myself a liar.

[luise.volta]

Yes, most of my regrets are connected with being inept and making blunders...not overt cruelty. Although, some of my immaturity might have been interpreted as being cruel.

However, I do not regret being an unfinished product. I still am.

[Keys Girl]

I woke up in the middle of the night (of course...do I sleep anyway?) Well, I had a huge thought....Maybe the reason I have a hard time letting go is: I know that I made mistakes in my life, I know the concequenses, I know what I would have done if I knew better at the time....I know of forgiveness, of looking at the positive in people vs. their shortcomings, I know about compromise, making ammends, etc. etc. etc.
So, as a mother...and the fact my son is just out of highschool a year with a wife and baby....I feel helpless. I still want to protect and teach him the difference between right and wrong. I want to get him through this so there is little regret or such severed relationships. I want to see him get rid of his anger, find forgiveness and enjoy life. I want him to be happy!!!!!! I know I can't help him...he's grown and married and the mistakes that he is making is his concequences and I know that he will have to learn on his time and I know that he may very well permenantly sever or damage relationships for good. I know all that....It just pains me knowing that he is headed down the wrong path.

I feel the same way about my son, I would like him to get on the "right path".  But, that's not up to me to choose.  In the same way that as a young woman I wouldn't let anyone else determine the choices that I made he is doing the same thing.  I might not like his choices, and the path because of them, but I need to mind my own business and continue down my path.  As a young child I held his hand so he wouldn't get hit by a car when he crossed the street, but he's no longer a child and it's not my place to hold his hand or try to force him down the path I would prefer to see him on.

He will have to make his own mistakes, and learn the hard way as I did.  As the old saying goes "Good decisions come from experience, experience comes from bad decisions".

It's difficult to watch, for me it's as if I'm watching him on the dock as he walks on board the Titanic to sail off to disaster.  I don't know where his paths will take him but I will have to have confidence that whatever I taught him when he was younger will still be there somewhere and that he'll have to get through his life as we all did, making our own mistakes and sometimes learning from them.

[Miss Understood]

I know Keys...I know. It's just so hard for me because he was just out of highschool when his girlfriend of only 2 months got pregnant. I think my son felt victorius because he was so in love with his sisters daughter who was just 10 months old at the time. I never really had a chance to let go and feel the absence of him since they both, DIL and DS lived with us for about 6 months and the were here a lot after baby was born. Which is another reason I am feeling the horrible withdrawal. I struggle with the silent treatment though. I just don't get it. I know my son has to make his own mistakes and I am, like you....just standing at the dock....almost as if there is a two way mirror there and he is ready to fall off a cliff and I can't get to him and stop him. It's never racking and it causes me so much anxiety. The flip flop of emotions from mad at him for doing this and to the worried on WHY he is doing this occupies my brain. I am laughing again...went out for dinner for the first time in 2 months, not going to bed crying and waking up crying...but I still have my spurts here and there and wake up in the middle of the night. This is so hard....I can't imagine doing this the rest of my life. I think I won't have much life left if I keep doing it either.
Sigh!!!!!

[luise.volta]

There is no "getting it" and there is no "knowing why." The way out of anxiety is to accept that...and turn toward what is about you and your own, non-biological path. There is more to you to honor and explore. Sending love...

[Miss Understood]

Thank you Luise. I am going to post those words up and read them often. I want to get past this grief and I keep slipping into that pattern of why? But, I am finding that I can come out of the hole too. So, Maybe that is a good sign. For 2 months...I was stuck in that hole and couldn't see any light, couldn't laugh, couldn't sleep, coudn't stop asking WHY?
Thanks for all the support.

[luise.volta]

Good girl!