Glitter,
You have made the best point I have read on MILU in weeks. And that is, to carry on with hate is to deeply and sometimes irrevocably harm yourself. You have stopped the Blame Game. You have denied yourself the infusion of poison vis a vis, "Where can I find fault today? My MIL has to be guilty of something, and once again today, I'm armed and dangerous and on the hunt. She has to have done something wrong, and if I search hard and long enough I will find it."
I cannot tell you how heartening it was to read that you maintain minimal contact while your husband, it appears from what you have said, is free to continue his relationship with his parents. You show enormous maturity and strength in allowing them "back in" while maintaining your dignity vis a vis boundaries. Your motivation for so doing doesn't matter as much as your realization that you need to let go of the poisonous negativity. I applaud you with a standing ovation. I know it is not easy to be kind to people who have treated you badly.
I am finding I cannot deal with the blame-seekers. All they seem to want is to prove a point while bashing various members of their families. Perhaps that word "family" is unfashionable today and may even go out of existence. I hope not, for in the past it was the greatest bulwark of humankind against an often hostile, uncaring world. Most ethical religions say, "Look to yourself for fault, correct it, and let the rest go." Then there's "Honor your Father and Mother (in-law?")
My husband's mother, and my own mother's father, were anything but saints. I watched my parents take in my grandfather when he was old and ill. True, he never once interfered with their parenting or their lives. But he had been a serious alcoholic, an absent father who impoverished my mother's family while she was growing up, and I am sure any number of the creepy parenting "experts" that have sprouted like weeds over the past twenty-thirty years would have been right in my mother's face telling her what a risk it was to the fragile psyches of her precious little darlings to have this man living in our home. While he was there, he never touched a drop, though she never hid bottles from him ever. He lived to the ripe old age of 79, having created the strongest bond with a child of his life, with my youngest sister. He looked forward daily to the time she came home from school, taught her to speak fluent German and when he died, she truly mourned him. I still remember them laughing together, as I looked in wonderment on my father, who had lost his own father at age 11, for whom this was a very problematic in-law, to whom he had offered a home and financial support in old age. As a result, Grandpa never spent a single day in any nursing home. And no one would have had more right than my parents than to place him elsewhere. He died of a sudden heart attack in our home, until then he had been healthy enough not to need nursing home care. There was absolutely nothing in this for my father except the opportunity to fully practice the religious beliefs he so strongly espoused, not just saying it, but doing it. There were many reasons to love my dad, but this was prime among them: doing unto the least deserving, as he would wish to be treated himself in that position.
This was the role model I had, so when confronted with a MIl with similar problems---who did not like me---I acted as my parents had. She did not live with us, but we supported her. Whether she liked me, how abysmal her grandparenting was, did not matter to me one whit. She was my husband's mother and I did what I could to have a relationship with her. My children, I strongly felt, had the absolute right to know her, no matter what her faults, and I refrained from listing them to my children. Eventually we had a time of great closeness; I helped her get a job when my husband's father did, and everyone in the family was grateful to me at the time. Now that she is gone, I have that to look back on, not an endless picking over of her deep flaws and personality problems and making her feel them again and again. Yes, I am proud of that, but I don't take the credit. It belongs to my mother and especially my dad.
I think that you will truly reap the rewards of your attitude when your children are much older. It's possible one will marry a person who does not like you and your husband, yet your child will have the example of what to do in that situation. I am further glad you are still "speaking minimally" to your in-laws, because where there is open communication, there is hope of change. Our children deserve to know there is always hope for improving relationships. There was a time when I never thought my MIL would be close to me, but we became very close. And when we are letter-perfect people, we can then begin to catalogue and punish the faults of others, in my opinion.
Do unto others; our children and grandchildren are watching. They do indeed learn what parents live; I am an example. You are giving your children a great gift.
Kathleen
