My daughter was helpful, then she changed again, sigh

[cdb]

I am getting stronger with this thanks to all of you here. cdb

[cremebrulee]

Hi Cdb and good morning...glad your feeling a little better about this....
yanno, I was wondering...first of all, when you called her for suggestions about what to do...and I'm sorry I forget, is she in some kind of medical care career? 

Also, just a suggestion, however, I would try to keep her out of it as much as you can...here's why I say this....I know about caring for a parent...and some others here do as well....if she resents the fact that you have constantly shown more attention to your parents then her, she is going to resent you calling her and asking her for help in that area.  Right?  This is the area that is upsetting her.

And if you live closer to her, what I would do, is call her and invite her to go to lunch with you, or a show, maybe once a week....take her somewhere in public and spend some quality time with her...maybe after a few times of this, she will talk....and then listen...she feels slighted and very angry, and there is a reason for her feeling this way, trivial as it may seem to you, she thinks her feelings are valid, and if you listen to her, perhaps you might find out more about her feelings....don't put them aside as if they are not....validate her feelings.  If she tells you she is angry about all this, then tell her your so sorry she feels that way, and ask her what she would like your to do....reassure her that you love her dearly...your her child, and then explain to her, that your hands were tied.

Maybe in her eyes, she thinks you are way to consumed with this for way to long....?  And she feels she has been slighted by not having her mother there when she needed you?  But there is something you must understand....or at least try....her feelings are important to her...yes, maybe she doesn't understand, and you consider her selfish....and she very well may be, but, her feelings of anger are there, and something is causing it, right? 

I would move very slowly, and don't jump into this right away with her...when the time is right, you'll feel it...and then ask her why she is so angry with you....tell her it is so important for you to know, b/c her feelings matter and she is very important to you....and you want to try to fix this....you can say, if I've made mistakes concerning you, then I want to know so I can correct them? 

I'm not stating your wrong..or you were neglegent....what I'm saying is, that maybe this can be fixed, but I feel, and I could be wrong, there is more to her anger then you may even know....and if she does confides in you, she is not telling you your a bad mother... she is telling you how she sees the situation....listen to her, with love and acceptance that her feelings may be valid? Don't get all upset or huffy, or take it personal when and if she starts to tell you.  My guess is, her anger is coming out, b/c she fears telling you, she fears hurting our feelings....and maybe it isn't at all about you taking care of your parents but a culmination of issues she has had?  But I would try very hard to give her some quality time, just you and her...maybe invite her over to dinner...or take her to dinner and a movie, something that she wants to see....a place where she wants to go...perhaps call her and tell her you need a girl's night out, would she go with you?  And if she says no, don't stop trying....and then call her again in a month and do the same, but go somewhere different...

Do this when your ready....think about it, make plans, and think things through, take time to try and visualize from her point of view...

When we get hurt and all emotional about things, we do and say things we don't mean, out of hurt, anger frustration...and all kinds of feelings....so, take your time, and think it all through....

you have so much on your plate right now...so take your time...

do you do anything for yourself to relax? 

big hugs and good luck....
I do hope things work out...

Creme

[luise.volta]

Good for you! We are in your corner! Sending love...

[cdb]

Thanks sooo much for your replies creme and luise. forget it all.  Great advice! Thanks both of you for caring. cdb

[cremebrulee]

Thanks sooo much for your replies creme and luise. I need them badly! I agree with everything you said, creme and I plan to do just as you suggested and do it in the right time. I did leave a message for her on her cell phone tonight to save all the pictures of my mom she took.  She did or is starting school this week to pursue her career as a nurse. She will be retaking classes she took before to get better grades from 3 different colleges when she was lost and using alcohol etc. instead of studying. I don't know if she will be a nurse, but that is her goal.
I do like the girls night out. I will re-read what you put several times and make a list so I don't forget it all.  Great advice! Thanks both of you for caring. cdb

I believe in my heart, once she becomes a nurse for a year or two, she will start to mature and change but quick....give it time...sometimes it takes years....

If I may ask, how long has this been going on with your parents, taking care of them?

Reason I ask, is, when you mentioned your daughter was drinking, it seems to me, like there are some very very deep rooted problems there within her....I'm wondering if she misunderstood what was going on, and viewed the whole situation and as a child, thought you didn't love her as much as your parents?  I'm just guessing....sometimes, kids interrupt actions adults take so differently...b/c no one sits down with them and explains to them what is going on.  for instance, when parents get divorced, a lot of kids think it's something they must have done....they're trying so hard to understand, and come up with what they're little brains are equipped to come up with, and unfortunately, they never talk about it....so, understand, there are some deep rooted things going on with your daughter. 

If I may suggest back off of her....you must start all over again....if she is this angry, everytime you call her or ask her for something it annoys her....believe me....I know this and she tries to push you away more...use if you can reversed phycology on her, and just leave her alone as much as you can....respect the space she needs, don't call her for every little thing....and slowly over time, try and think of her as a friend your just meeting for the first time and not your daughter.  Disconnect from the emotional end of it, and in your mind, keep telling yourself, she's a friend....and start to rebuild the relationship again...I know your so tempted to push push push, because you want to resolve it and find out what is wrong....I'm going to say this not to be mean, but don't be so selfish (this is how I talk to myself all the time to make my self aware, when I am attached emotionally to a problem) this took a long time to culminate in your daughter and it's going to take a long time to fix....it's not that you did anything wrong...it's they way she sees things.

I have a friend, whose daughter literally hates her....this friend of mine has 4 children, 3 girls, 1 boy...she gets along fine with the other two girls....however, the oldest one resents her b/c she says, she made her clean her room when she was young....and she is really cruel to her...and yet, this woman, allows her to treat her like that...and the other children really get upset with her....however, when there is a family dinner, they all eat and leave....How rude and uncaring....she worked all her life, and so did her husband, and I see much more going on here....personally, I think my friend spoiled them to make up for the time she couldn't be with them while she was working...
and kids know this and use it.....she didn't do anything wrong, but love them to much.  I'm so glad she has other children....and not just the one snippity daughter....LOL

I love kids so much....and wish to, I'd have been able to have more children....however, I'm lucky to have my son....

One the way to work this morning, I was feeling down....personal stuff going on right now, and then I saw a woman going thru a garbage can....I had seen that in movies but never ever in person....I got chills....

[cremebrulee]

cdb
Thanks sooo much for your replies creme and luise. I need them badly! I agree with everything you said, creme and I plan to do just as you suggested and do it in the right time. I did leave a message for her on her cell phone tonight to save all the pictures of my mom she took.  She did or is starting school this week to pursue her career as a nurse. She will be retaking classes she took before to get better grades from 3 different colleges when she was lost and using alcohol etc. instead of studying. I don't know if she will be a nurse, but that is her goal.
I do like the girls night out. I will re-read what you put several times and make a list so I don't forget it all.  Great advice! Thanks both of you for caring. cdb

I believe in my heart, once she becomes a nurse for a year or two, she will start to mature and change but quick....give it time...sometimes it takes years....

If I may ask, how long has this been going on with your parents, taking care of them?

Reason I ask, is, when you mentioned your daughter was drinking, it seems to me, like there are some very very deep rooted problems there within her....I'm wondering if she misunderstood what was going on, and viewed the whole situation and as a child, thought you didn't love her as much as your parents?  I'm just guessing....sometimes, kids interrupt actions adults take so differently...b/c no one sits down with them and explains to them what is going on.  for instance, when parents get divorced, a lot of kids think it's something they must have done....they're trying so hard to understand, and come up with what they're little brains are equipped to come up with, and unfortunately, they never talk about it....so, understand, there are some deep rooted things going on with your daughter. 

If I may suggest back off of her....you must start all over again....if she is this angry, everytime you call her or ask her for something it annoys her....believe me....I know this and she tries to push you away more...use if you can reversed phycology on her, and just leave her alone as much as you can....respect the space she needs, don't call her for every little thing....and slowly over time, try and think of her as a friend your just meeting for the first time and not your daughter.  Disconnect from the emotional end of it, and in your mind, keep telling yourself, she's a friend....and start to rebuild the relationship again...I know your so tempted to push push push, because you want to resolve it and find out what is wrong....I'm going to say this not to be mean, but don't be so selfish (this is how I talk to myself all the time to make my self aware, when I am attached emotionally to a problem) this took a long time to culminate in your daughter and it's going to take a long time to fix....it's not that you did anything wrong...it's they way she sees things.

I have a friend, whose daughter literally hates her....this friend of mine has 4 children, 3 girls, 1 boy...she gets along fine with the other two girls....however, the oldest one resents her b/c she says, she made her clean her room when she was young....and she is really cruel to her...and yet, this woman, allows her to treat her like that...and the other children really get upset with her....however, when there is a family dinner, they all eat and leave....How rude and uncaring....she worked all her life, and so did her husband, and I see much more going on here....personally, I think my friend spoiled them to make up for the time she couldn't be with them while she was working...
and kids know this and use it.....she didn't do anything wrong, but love them to much.  I'm so glad she has other children....and not just the one snippity daughter....LOL

I love kids so much....and wish to, I'd have been able to have more children....however, I'm lucky to have my son....

One the way to work this morning, I was feeling down....personal stuff going on right now, and then I saw a woman going thru a garbage can....I had seen that in movies but never ever in person....I got chills....

I really really hope you can endure, and be patient and let things roll out as they are supposed to do....in the meantime, know your in my thoughts and prayers....you've got a lot on your plate girl....

hugs
Creme

[cdb]

Thanks again creme. cdb

[cremebrulee]

yanno, I'm not trying to beat you up, as I do see this all the time....even at work, especially at work, but why do today's parents "think" they have to pay they're children's entire college bill?  I don't get that, I honestly don't.  If the children of today had to work for things, and realize, how much things cost, perhaps they wouldn't be so darned spoiled, self imposted owning an instant gratification persona.
 
I have a friend at work, whose daughter just got her drivers license, went out and had an accident...so, they bought her another car, and are paying her insurance?  Geeze Luise, what your (not you but people in general) is creating a monster for the man she marries.  Children are not taught to do without....or how to improvise?  I swear, it just amazes me?  I wanted piano lessons so badly when I was a child, but couldn't we didn't have the money....also wanted to join brownies and girl scouts, but couldn't because we didn't have the money....it didn't mar my childhood....I learned that I couldn't have everything I wanted....I don't even own a cell phone today, however, one of the girls I work with got her kids, 7 and 9 one?  WhY?  They have everything they could ever want.....EVERYTHING....what is wrong with teaching a kid they have to work and help pay they're college money, cars, etc?

I married a man whose parents were very wealthy, while he did work he never wanted for anything....he had everything a child, or even an adult could ever want...so when he grew up, he was spoiled rotten, and everything was a toy to him...he didn't have a realistic view of married life, and when things got a little hard financially, he didn't know how to cope....he was very weak, and every decission he made had to do with money....he was always trying to make a fast buck, putting everything else on the back burner, including people...he also had a very bad attitude....he was always right....no matter if you showed him he was wrong in black and white, and he'd have sold his soul for money....yes, the great big mega mansion...the motor cycyle, the snow mobile, 250,000 motor home....vacation home....and he was really difficult to deal with....very opinionated, stubborn and contrary...this is what giving kids everything does to them....it's so wrong....as I said, the people where I work make huge money...and they're kids, quickly learn how to manipulate. 

I'm constantly in awe of the Asian culture and how they raise they're kids...much much different...we should take lessons from them....one of my friends child, lost her eye glasses, lunch boxes, coats....etc...so, this past year, Santa didn't come to they're house....b/c Santa wrote her a note and said, she must learn that these things cost money, and she has to be more responsible.  I admire her mother.

another Asian associate, is like that with they're kids....and you wouldn't believe how well behaved and polite they are, and the questions they ask?  They are aware....b/c they don't get everything they want, and they're parents make certain, they take time with them and talk....guide them, teach them awareness, culture, how to survive in the world....I mean, these kids ask questions about politics??? 

We American's are regressing instead of progressing, our country is going broke b/c of this attitude....it's such a shame.....

anyway, good luck to you, I'll be rootin for you....

Creme 

I just don't get it? 

Sorry, I just get so upset when I hear this....this is why children turn on they're parents.....and become so contrary and spoiled.....

I would have given my right arm to go to college and here's your daughter yelling at you b/c you made her go....Sheesh....
I would definately back off from her, and don't be available to watch her child at every bekoning call of hers....start to proceed with your own life and interests, hobbies, and take weekend short trips....do things for yourself, and stop trying if you can, to buy your daughters love....I think today in this world, that's what parents do, b/c most of them work....and the mother's feel badly, so, to ease they're conscience, are they giving they're kids everything they want b/c someone else is raising them? 

My son worked hard for his car, and put himself thru college....we would have helped him out if he needed it, but he refused to take any money from any of us....but he did without, and learned at a young age to work for what he wanted....I cannot believe how thankless kids are today....? 

I'm very sorry your going thru this....but if I were you, I'd consentrate on yourself for once...get a little selfish and enjoy your life....go to movies...shows...maybe a weekend getaway on a bus trip....but create things for yourself to look forward to....you must...go do and see things you've always wanted to see and do...take a class, maybe art...or a reading club...meet people your own age, make girlfriends your own age, and go....with or without hubby...you need to get your mind off the obbsession of daughter's behavior....ignore her, don't let her harsh words bother you....believe me, in the end, she will be so thankful for you...but take this time for yourself now....and don't be so apt to take her smug attitude...she really sounds as if she has a real big chip on her shoulder, and it isn't your problem to fix, it's hers....your her mother....you did your best to provide for her and get her going on an education....if she isn't thankful....fine....but I tell you, there is no way I would pay for anything she asks you for again, or watch your Grand child as much as she would like you to.

Yanno, it's ok to have a life after your children are grown....grand children are wonderful...however, they are not ours...we raised our kids, we put in our time....and our kids and grand kids should and cannot be our only purpose in life....we were given the gift of life to enjoy it, so that means doing some stuff for ourselves....yanno?  Don't feel guilty...or like you have to....go live your life and believe me, if you do, things turn around on they're own. 

I go out to dinner every friday night with my friends....we always go to a different place...or the old stand by near our homes....we plan bus trips away for the day or a weekend....you can go to great cities and see broadway shows, museums, my gosh there is so much out there to see....open up that computer and type in things to do in your city, or near you...and you'll be surprised what you can create for yourself to do...summer is paramount for taking a book along with you and just sitting by a lake, or gonig to an outside resturant by yourself....someplace along the water....

I am sending you great big hugs...and prayers in hopes that you learn how to laught and enjoy life, instead of allowing your daugher to overpower your entire life....she is bringing you down, and that is not healthy....you don't deserve it....

Love and big hugs to you....please let us know how things are going.