Some improvement

[Barbie]

Hello ladies,
Just wanted to let you all know that DH and I went to our DS’s house for the weekend to babysit our GD. I’m happy to say that so far things are improving little by little, as DS surprised me by giving me the keys to his car and house for the first time so that we could take our GD out wherever we wanted to. Our DIL didn’t say much to us at the beginning but towards the end of our stay seemed a little more pleasant and thanked us.
Our GD’s birthday party is going to be at the other grandparent’s house, that's ok with me, but DS told me he won’t be stopping by our house this time, that they’re coming strictly for the party and will be going back home shortly after. I know this is silly but all of a sudden I felt so jealous thinking DS will be staying at their house and not ours. I haven't felt this way in a very long time and I know it will pass. I guess I just wanted to vent.

[luise.volta]

Well, it was a vent and it was also a celebration! Sending love...

[Pen]

One step at a time? I'm glad things are improving for you, Guest1, and hope you can continue moving froward.

The uncertainty and tenuousness of these situations can really do a number on our confidence and sense of self if we let them. I'm so grateful for this site, aren't you? Take care.

[cremebrulee]

Hello ladies,
Just wanted to let you all know that DH and I went to our DS’s house for the weekend to babysit our GD. I’m happy to say that so far things are improving little by little, as DS surprised me by giving me the keys to his car and house for the first time so that we could take our GD out wherever we wanted to. Our DIL didn’t say much to us at the beginning but towards the end of our stay seemed a little more pleasant and thanked us.
Our GD’s birthday party is going to be at the other grandparent’s house, that's ok with me, but DS told me he won’t be stopping by our house this time, that they’re coming strictly for the party and will be going back home shortly after. I know this is silly but all of a sudden I felt so jealous thinking DS will be staying at their house and not ours. I haven't felt this way in a very long time and I know it will pass. I guess I just wanted to vent.

Hi Guest 1....

I'm glad things are working out...however, they never seem to work out as fast as we'd like them to....but the fact that DIL was nicer towards the end was a milestone....congratulations....
It's ok to feel hurt....believe me, everytime they leave my home, it hurts....

How would you like it if your son, called his stepmother mom?  He was made to do that by his father when he was young....his stepmom needs a huge amount of attention...and whenever she write something on the internet, she says she has four children, instead of 3.....it's a big insult and cuts really deep, especially since she was so mean to him years ago, when he was oh, from 5 - 7 years old.  She used to slap him across the face....and was very abusive to him verbally...

He forgives her now....and she hasn't done that in a long time...but when it happened, I took it to court, they counter sued me for custody, omg it was a scare....awful...but I had the school on my side, as they were having him go to a counselor. 

To this day...and by the way, she lied about doing this and his father backed her....later she told my son, she was very sorry for treating him like that, and if he'd come there to live, she'd never do it again.  That didn't work, so his father bribed him with getting him a car when he was 16, and a horse, so, he went...it was heartbreaking....couldn't leave the house for 2 weeks.  Didn't clean his room for a long time...

Does it cut deep.....yes....I get whatever time they have left....they always spend more time with his father and stepmother....

She is good to him now, and there he has a family...his dad, her and two borthers and a sister, so I can understand....I'm alone...and not as much fun I guess....? 

But hey, just thinking out loud here....at least I've made amends with my DIL, and we are seeing each other....but it still hurts...yanno....?

So, you take what you can get....you smile, and you pretend like nothings wrong....we must....and in time, maybe things will change....? 
He calls me every week now, so, I will tell you that's been for many years now, until I cut them off, but he is calling me every week, and it's good to hear his voice...however, I will be so much more relieved when he gets out of that country and comes back home to his family.

But anyway...baby steps my friend, baby steps, patience and getting involved in other directions....on purpose....and I pushed myself to do so...but it does work a lot. 

Maybe my son feels like his father needs him more, that I am stronger?  I dunno, plus they've got to see her mother as well...so, it's always such a busy time for them when they come home....and I do commend them for making it a point to see us all....but it always seems like he favors his father, however, I do know his father makes him feel like he must, and I don't.   I have always told him ever since he was a child, that where he wants to be is most important....and it hurt when he chose his father's for a holiday....however, truthfully, I wanted him to be where he wanted to be...I didn't want to play tug of war with him...not then and not now...

but it ain't easy....

Hugs
Creme

[Barbie]

Thank you all for making me feel better. I had gotten really good at handling this situation and it just hit me. DS spends so much more time with DIL's family, it makes me angry that we have to settle for the "left-overs" and be happy about it.

Pen, I too hope that we can continue to move forward. Our GD has gotten so close to DH, her grandfather, she absolutely adores him and they know that DH and I are always together so they can't have one without the other but still, we know what DIL is capable of so we have to be very cautious.

Anna, we have been invited to the birthday party and I hope I can walk in there with my head held high, we have nothing in common with these people and feel so awkward around them. DIL's mother is the worst as I feel she's the creator of the mess she has at home but she acts like it's all normal and pretends to like me but when I turn my back watch out, she's even given gifts in front of other people to make herself look good, what hurts the most is that DS thinks she's a wonderful person who has done the best she could with what she had...

Creme, you have gone through so much, I admire your strenght, my problems seem so little compared to yours, I have never had to deal with anything like this before. I have always gotten along with DH's family, we were one big happy family until DIL started to play games with us, I just didn't know how to act. I'm trying to follow your advice and hoping for better days to come.

[cremebrulee]

um, one note of advice....while in the MIL's home, and discuss this with Hubby before you go....under no circumstances....find yourself alone with her...always make certain, when ever she is around, someone is by your side at all time...reason being, she could very easily make up lies about you....so, don't allow yourself to take any chances
and hold your head up high girl, you've got it all over this woman, and more....much much more!

[Pen]

Guest1, enjoy the party. I understand the awkwardness you feel around DIL's FOO. Try the trick of wearing an accessory that reminds you of the support you have from us or how classy and gracious you are; everytime you look at it you'll sit a little taller, smile, and regain your center. It could even be a pedicure; it doesn't matter, it's just the reminder that counts.

We have a similar situation, although we don't see DIL's FOO often. We know how they feel about us and it's very uncomfortable to be around them. Our DS is with his ILs everyday, every vacation, and every other year for the actual day of Christmas. "Leftovers" is an accurate term for what we get, actually, because we really do come as an afterthought. We can't compete financially, and their destinations/celebrations/parties/outings are way more attractive (bling-bling) than anything we could plan, so we lose. It's not likely to change unless we win the lottery (oops, keep forgetting to buy a ticket) so we just have to accept it somehow. If we complain we lose even more, so we do have to be happy with what we get. Grrrr.....Work in progress.

Best wishes to you, Guest1. Know that I'm thinking of you, and take care.

[cremebrulee]

Oh Pen, that was beautiful....

and why I love you gals.....your all so tremendous, strong and wise....

[Barbie]

Love the ideas and I'll keep it in mind but here's another update.
I talked to DS yesterday (we talk everyday for a few minutes) and he had the nerve to tell me that the way we all act towards DIL's family at the party will determine the future. Last year DIL's family was very rude to us to say the least, they made us feel very unwelcomed and we talked to him about it and he apoligyzed but yesterday he forgot all about that and put all the blame on us. Unbelievable!!!
I don't know what to do, I told my DH to go on without me but I highly doubt he will, it's more than likely that he'll make me go with him. DD said she'll go and just be herself.
What to do?

[luise.volta]

I would say do whatever you want to because whatever that is...it will be seen as wrong. Did you remind your DS of the reality of last year's experience? Sending love...

[Pen]

Wow, nothing like the stress of an ultimatum. Is this a minor expectation such as making sure you raise your pinky when sipping tea and refrain from using the tablecloth as a hanky, or is it major like don't drive the monster truck through the front window or use the front lawn as a toilet?

All kidding aside, do you know exactly what the expectations are or do they get to put whatever stamp they want on your behavior and give you random consequences? I think I'd want clearly stated expectations and well-defined consequences, but I come from a long line of educators and it's kind of ingrained.

[Barbie]

Louise, you're absolutely right, we will never win no matter what we do. Yes, I reminded DS how awful we were treated last time we were there and he acted as if he didn't know what I was talking about. I had a feeling that this was coming, we take one step forward and 2 backwards.

Pen, you made me laugh, what DIL wants is for us to kiss her family's behind, I don't know how else to say it, I always try to be pleasant, DIL's mother and I clashed since day one but I tried to play it off, she was the one with the nasty attitude and displayed some aggressiveness and that has continued to this day. By the way, both DIL's grandmothers cannot be in the same room together so I guess history is repeting itself, although I don't have a problem being civil to her.

Oh, and my DS called me today like nothing ever happen, I don't know how much more of this sillyness I can take, some days I feel like saying "see ya", but I don't want to do something that I will regret later.

[Julia]

Creme, you have gone through so much, I admire your strenght,

You always have time and give so much to the ladies here.     I wouldn't normally point out this kind of thing as everyone I have met onWWU have something valuable to offer and are appreciated equally.  You have your own heartaches in life, don't ever forget  you are needed with us.