Hi everyone

[jill]

I have been watching this website for a few days and am hoping it can help me feel better. I have 2 grown daughters, both married.  I love them more than anything in the world, but we are not close and it breaks my heart. My older daughter told me I have treated her terribly all her life, but I have never intentionally hurt her, and always loved her.  I have been seeing a counsellor, and she has basically told me to accept the situation and just concentrate on my own life.  How do you stop living for the children you gave birth to?

[Nana]

Jill

Welcome to this site.  As you have read, there are great wise women in this site.   We all come here because each of us are hurting or have suffered due to problems with our grown children or in-laws.
We wish we could help everyone but we do not always have the answer.  Different opinions will help you decide which way to go.

When we become mothers, our heart is trapped forever.  The information you give is insufficient.  Have you tried to speak to them?  How did it go?    How old are your daughters?   If we did hurt our children (even if that wasnt our intention) we should ask for forgiveness.  Things can still change...dont lose hope.....our c hildren arent bad, they are just confused and are bitter over something. 

Hope someone here can help you more than I can.  It is great though to be here because you get to vent and will have all the support you need.  You are not alone, we are all here for one another.

Love

[barelythere]

That is so well put, Nana.  In answer to the question, Jill, as to how to "accept the situation and go on with your life".  I swear, I don't know where these people get their information but what your counselor said to you just confirmed my long held suspicion that I don't believe in them.  In the end though, they are all we have. Our friends get tired of listening to us so we're forced to talk to a rank stranger.  You can't just immediately accept the loss of your daughters and move on.  You'd be without a heart if that were possible.  I suspect there is something going on with your daughters that you don't know. 

[Nana]

Barelythere:

I also agree with you.  You cant just walk away from your grown daughters like if they never existed.  First, I would get to the bottom of the problem.  Maybe daughters are also hurting and all are hurting.  They all need one another-- they are family.   If, only if, daughters are not willing to forgive whatever they have to forgive, Jill should consider moving on. 

Jill...fight with teeth and fist for your daughters'  love.  It is too soon to accept the loss of your children.
Fight with love but with dignity.  If you dont even know what you did....how bad can it be.

I agree with barelythere also about the counselors.  I think people improve on therapy because they get to vent.  Okey....so here we are....more practical experience lol....we have been there.

Now chin up.....go get those girls...good luck

[jill]

Thank you so much for your replies and support.  My daughters are in their early 40's.  Whenever I try to talk to my older daughter she loses her temper, it is impossible to have a conversation. I have apologized many times.  They rarely call, I think if I didn't call them, we would lose touch, they just call if they need me to babysit.  I have been on my own for many years, and they and my grandchildren are my whole life. It feels good to know that people understand.  Thank you.

[Pooh]

Welcome Jill and I am so sorry you are going through all of this.  It is hurtful and cruel and so devastating to have your child/children treat you badly as adults.

But I don't agree with the other ladies completely.  I think the counselor gave you good advice.  If your daughters are in their 40's, then they are not going to change unless they want to.  You are going to have to find a way to "accept who they are and live your own life."  I don't think of it as walking away from your children, as if they don't exist.  You will always love them and want them in your life, but at the same time, you have to let them go, and just leave a window open for them to come back into your life, when they are ready to treat you with respect.

I agree with the other ladies that there is probably more to this, in your daughters' eyes, but that is for them to deal with.  If you have made the efforts to find out and stay in contact, that is all you can do.  The ball is in their court and you deserve to live.

[Pen]

Is there a difference in how we view mom-son relationships and mom-daughter relationships? Do we think one is more appropriate to fight for than the other because of the gender of the adult child?

[Pooh]

Pen, I personally don't see a difference.  To me, it doesn't matter if its a daughter or son treating you badly, I have the same answers.  But I have noticed that some seem to favor doing more to keep the daughter in your life than if it's a son.  I make no difference.  If someone is abusing your love, it doesn't matter the gender to me.

[cremebrulee]

Hello there and welcome
I personally agree with your counselor....
1st off why does your daughter feel like this....?  There has got to be more to this story....meaning, whether we agree or not....we both have feelings about an issue or situation....and to your daughters, they're feelings are very valid....

So, I think what your counselor is saying is give them time....
however, I certainly wouldn't give up on them....remember, we are growing all of our entire lives....learning and maturing...so, think of this as a positive transition from old to new....it can be very exciting and positive....but it takes a whole lot of perseverance on your part.....

why is it we can't give our kids space?  Time to think, grown and evolve?  Why must we (and I'm including me in this) rush them into making decisions...well, I've come up with an answer to my own question...because we want, what we want, when we want it.....and that pushes people further away....

Patience and time are the best healers...this situation didn't evolve in just a few days or even a few weeks.  It's been brewing for a long long time....and it may even take longer to fix...and that can only be done with patience and time. 

Your daughter is angry right now....to persue it now, would only push her away more...give her a chance to cool off, let her come to you..and in the meantime, learn how to say things to her in a calm way, not accusing.  Also, learn how to listen....really listen to her without taking what she has to say to you personal...this really takes a lot of time and hard work to accomplish....

I suggest for now, stay with us and lets discuss your daughters feelings...lets discuss what is is that you might know of why they feel this way....come in and just vent if need be....but stay with these girls and lets discuss what is going on....take your time, think about what the girls are telling you and then go with that inner voice...don't react out of fear, the feeling of rejection...and above all, start getting involved in other things which will entertain you...to help get your mind off of this...when we obsess about something it stagnates our ability to think clearly...also, if your daughter sees that your involving yourself in other things, and not so pushy, she will become curious....you've heard the saying..."the less they know the better"? Well that is so true...don't let her know she's hurting you, by reacting badly to her words or situations....you actually have to learn to recondition yourself....and above all, realize, your children are not your sole purpose in life....
If you work at this honestly and fearlessly but realistically, I do think things will work out, but it takes much hard work on your part.....a lot of self examination....and allowance....and above all, do not, fear being told by your daughter that you made mistakes....you probably did, but not to the extent that she interrupted them....we all make mistakes, and someday, so shall she....we're human and we actually grow up with our children...no one gives us a manual....but right now, disconnect and use this time to learn all these things....I'm thinking your counselor may have told you to back off b/c you might be smothering her right now, and now is just not a good time....  I don't know, until you share more...

however, does any of this make sense to you?

Hugs
Creme

[jill]

Thanks so much for your replies, especially you Creme.  I think I have said things in the past that have hurt, but with no intention of hurting on my part.  I would not hurt them for the world.  Now I am  afraid to say anything in case it hurts.  There is a wall between us and I don't know how to bring it down.  Reading your replies and advice and knowing you understand has given me some hope.