I'm adding to this today...after reading a post, it reminded me of something all us MIL's must consider....
When our son's marry...we mother's all of a sudden are lost...we vision having a relationship with our son's just like it was...with the exception of now, having a daughter. However, that woman, doesn't know us, like our son's do, and all of a sudden, our son's really leave home, but more then that, our son's leave us....and they do...
All of their lives, we did for them...we fought for them, worked for them, gave to them first before ourselves, and before we knew what hit us, our kids became our first priority and our purpose. We wrapped ourselves up in they're lives for 18 or more years..imagine...we reconditioned ourselves to be mothers....
We feel our son's distance for the first time in our lives....they don't confide in us as much, call us as much, or plan trips with us as much....and even are unable to be with us for every family holiday dinner. It's empty without them, there is just something missing in our lives....they don't stop over as much....
Our son's start a brand new life...they now have a new women in they're lives...oh they still love us and always will, however, we are not they're first love anymore....it is now, all about his wife, and has to be....he is happy, excited, for the first time in his life, he's met the girl of his dreams, and he loves her dearly, whether we approve or not...however, if we don't approve, it crushes him...completely tears him apart....and now, he's put in a position where he feels like he has to choose. That must be an awful feeling for him...however, he is naturally going to choose hiswife, which is very normal and he should...he is going to confide in her now...she knows every privet detail about him, even more so then us....they are a new couple starting out and planning a family...they are so in love...and anytime we mom's disapprove, or feel we still need control, we're going to alienate her which will alienate him from our lives....
It is natural for our son's to go where his wife wants him to...so that will mean, they will spend more time with her family...she after all, loves her mom, like our son's love us...however, it is her home they will gravitate to...it isn't meant as a personal attack...but natural. Our DIL's want they're mom's there when they have they're children...that to, is only natural. I didn't get along with my mother very well, and she didn't like me, however, upon birthing my child, I wanted her there more then anything else in the world....I really wanted her...and needed her. Not my MIL, but my mother....I had so hoped she would love my son, more then she was able to love me.
Anyway....MIL's please understand, our son's do not love us any less, b/c they have taken a wife, they do however, love us in a different way. We no longer have control over they're lives...we should encourage them to go forth and prosper in happiness with they're wives....and family...yes, it is very hard to let go...but if we don't and can't...and can't stay out of they're lives as far as suggestions, stopping by without calling....bugging them every day...expecting them to think and feel like we do, is wrong...they don't and won't....you have another woman in your son's life, who thinks and feels so completely different from you....she has her own ideas of how she is going to run her household, raise her kids, and pay her bills. Anything you do for them, is your choice....don't think b/c you do for them, or give them money, they are going to be more endeared to you..they won't if not already. Spoiling them, isn't going to buy they're love...
My suggestion is, learn to stay out of they're lives, completely and realize, it's now they're turn to live...they are, grown up adults....to think otherwise, is wrong, and to do otherwise, will hurt so many other lives...including our own, our husbands, families...them, most of all, our own sons...they are eager to break free of those chains that bind them, to make they're own decssions, to live life on they're own....to take care of they're wives, as we taught them to do, as they watched they're fathers do....now it's they're turn...let go, let go, let go, let go!
If DIL doesn't like you, there is nothing you can do which will change her mind, and the more we push, the further away she runs. She is young, selfish, in love, and wants that man all to herself....who wouldn't, we did...we felt the very same way....yes, a good wife encourages a man to see his family....she doesn't cause trouble...or is so selfish, she forgets they are not just her in laws, but human beings who love they're son and grand children....I do as I've said before, know DIL's who realize this necessity...who encourage they're husbands to go have dinner with his parents...to take they're mothers out to dinner once a month or so, or say to them, come on, lets go stop by for a visit...they're are DIL's who absolutely realize, that they're in laws need quality time with they're children and how healthy it is for them to let they're children go and experience on they're own....to be to overprotective to prevent them from hurt, only hurts them in the end...b/c when they grown up those children have poor socialization skills, they do not have confidence, and they fear trying new things, or going places alone...and settle for so little....
So, I guess what I'm trying to explain, is....all a mother should want for her son is happiness to experience his own life, the precious love that God meant for a man and woman to experience, to have children and be independent of parents...especially mothers. Sad but true...we really have no business in they're lives unless they open a door slightly to us...and then we should respect the fact that they've given us that brief moment....b/c that is all we're going to get and less, if there is trouble between her and us....so, it's best to let go, allow the DIL the first move and stop trying to smother son, point fingers of blame and just deal with the time we have left by knowing, we must go forward now...start a new life to....consentrate on other good things, and learn how to once again do for ourselves, to make our own happiness and not be dependent on our children and grand children for that happiness....if we do, we will have a good many stress free years left...life is short, and we need to realize that and take advantage of our lives, take charge of our lives again, get to know your husbands all over again, date, and plan things for the two of you, b/c it's been years since you really knew each other intimately....since the babies came....your husband needs you now...shine for him...keep in close, write him short love notes, plan special occasions for each other...meet new friends...plan a very romantic weekend once in a while, and learn to live all over again, without your sons...b/c it's healthy, it's life, and natural to do so....and stop wanting what you can't have.
I'm right there with you...and I'm still leaving go....however, every single second that clock ticks....I'm going to live my life again, without him....and be very grateful for the memories...and when they come home, make every second count....even if she would say harsh things, (and she wouldn't) but I'm going to ignore it...let is roll right off my back...b/c I can't control it...and I want him to be happy while he's here and enjoy my grandchild and my DIL....but only if she lets me, otherwise, I'm going to be the lady my son always thought I was, and not react to anyone's dislike or hate. My only purpose now, in his life, is to be kind to his wife...to approve of her, regardless....not for me, but for him....and then, send them home, feeling comfortable and like it was a great visit...there was no stress, no one was walking on egg shells....
I wave goodbye, feeling very good inside, yet a little sad....but knowing, they are in love, regardless of what I think and feel....inside I know, my purpose is done, my child is grown, I cannot make up for all that guilt time I was working and left him alone with a sitter..cannot make up for the times I was to tired to listen to him, or yelled at him for doing something bad....cannot hug and kiss him anymore like I used to...and yet, I still remember that soft little voice, calling out to me..."Mommy"....and I smile, and know, it's now time for me to wave goodbye, to live life again....and to let them all go home, to his now home...after all, I love him more then life itself, and the purpose of a mother's son, is to live life and experience the wonders of life, on his own....
without me...
bittersweet but perfectly normal....to let them go....
I hope this helps some of you.
