MIL/DIL Problems, why do you think they happen?

[cremebrulee]

Thought it would be constructive to take a look at why these things happen...this is for discussion.  I've written some observations I've made over many years...and my thoughts, doesn't say I'm right or wrong, and by all means, these observations are not directed at anyone in here....

There are some women MIL's/DIL's who cannot see past they're own noses, manipulative, argumentative, angry, and refuse to believe they could do anything wrong...they don't have the concept to even fathom that they are human beings, who make mistakes, no one is perfect, but if you try and point that out to them, they take it as a personal attack against they're characters....and there are some women who take offense to anything that is said b/c they are so insecure, they think people are talking about them, and/or they don't like them and when a woman feels like someone in they're family doesn't like them, boy can they're be trouble...one small thing, leads to another thing, and another and then they start assuming...which is where they're perceptions come in wrong...they are perceiving situations wrong...b/c one thing happened. 

There is also a generation gap, which creates problems...girls today were raised differently, in some cases, and that creates problems, if one of the women is to controlling.  I read once, where a woman went to her DIL's home, for a picnic, and she wanted to help her DIL, so she notices her DIL's window is all finger printed up, so she proceeds to clean the glass, thinking she's doing the DIL a favor...now I wouldn't do that, however, in her mind, she was helping the DIL and I can also understand that....but the DIL takes great offense, thinking that her MIL is saying, she is a very bad housekeeper.  And I can understand that....there are others who wouldn't care if they're MIL's did that...but before we do something like that in any of our DIL's homes, we need to really really know our DIL and be aware of the fact that this or that might hurt her feelings.  In the same, DIL's need to understand, this is a small thing and the MIL was only trying to help...however, this whole situation which to me is a very little thing...can be blown way out of porportion and start a war...or, one strike against you....which is held onto forever...

I've observed my friends with they're DIL's and visa versa, and it seems to me, a lot of these women who get along are confident in themselves...they don't take everything as a personal attack against them...they are able to communicate any problems they have with each other right away...and work it out....they are very aware women, who realize, this is family regardless and they would never do anything like try and keep the Grand children from they're inlaws....or the MIL realizes her son has now taken a wife and she needs to bud out....they don't just drop by each other's homes, but call each other to ask if a visit is in order....I myself hate it when people just drop by...I'm working full time and want my down time...whenever people just drop by, it's always at least an hour they stay and talk and talk and it drives me up a wall....when a couple works full time or part time, they become very busy....and while I'm walking my dog at night, the last thing I want to do is have someone who is retired and home all day, come out and want to stand there and chat for an hour...I've got to get home and make supper and want to relax a bit and wind down....I need that...and so do MIL's and DIL's.   And I hate to be on the phone after work....I just need peace and quiet to do my own thing, to take off my bra and walk around in shorts and relax.   

What I find myself doing now, more so then ever, is remembering when I was 20, 30 even in my 40's how things my MIL did drove me nuts, and remember saying to myself, I will never ever do this to my DIL.  Well, guess what, I forgot and I did....b/c I was so used to being the leader....plus I have managed jobs in the past....so, there is a certain amount of confidence plus I've always been a loner.  Can go to a movie, dinner and even vacation by myself....

So, I can only speak from experience and observations...however, this is what I've observed....

I think any relationship is hard, especially one between two women who are thrown together in the same household...we tend to forget that we are individuals who will have clashing ideas and habits...we will forget and carry on as we always have...we will cross over boundaries which we need to be reminded of....and the worst mistake a MIL can make with grand kids is, to assume they are our kids, without first asking persmission, not to son, but to DIL...b/c that will reassure her your concerned about her feelings.

There are many young DIL's who are over protective, I was...I was scared to death to leave my child with a baby sitter, my mother, my mother in law.  And I remember my MIL trying to take over my baby, coming by way to much, giving me unwanted advise, and thinking that child was her's so much so, one time I turned around and she left with my child, and her daughter, in the car and took my baby shopping.  Sheesh, was I angry?

My girlfriend and her husband took they're grand kids to Great Adventure, another DIL flys her child or children out to vacation with the Grand parents...another is divorced, and yet, she calls her ex-MIL and makes certain she gets time with her Grand child and phone calls, plus vacation time with her Grandmother...another couple I know, takes a week and flys to Arizona to visit inlaws and they get along great...and in all cases, the DIL is confident that the Grand parents will take good care of the kids...they are not jealous, b/c they're children are having a good time without them....they want they're children to have as many influences and opportunities as they possible can...they realize, it helps them in they'er growth....and social skills...

No, we MIL's are not out to harm our Grandchildren...however, a young mother is scared and thinks about all the what if's and chances are, nothing will happen...however, in one blink of an eye, in one instant, something can happen, and lives can be changed forever and never be the same at the loss of a child.  I personally saw it happen...it tore the entire family apart, divorces, hate, blame, guilt, etc.  Horrible, simply horrible. 

Whenever I had my Grand daughter which was every weekend...I did things wrong.  I considered her mine and why shouldn't I put her in the car and take her to see family and friends....I wanted to show her off....and I did, and it upset my DIL that I did that....and I can totally understand why?  It upset her b/c I potty trained her...and while I don't agree with her, I can understand why...she wanted to do it.  But I got all disjointed b/c I wanted to do it....simple little thing, which threw everything out of kilter...and I wanted to take my GD Swimming to my cousin's house, but never did b/c I knew my DIL would have been so worried....while she was working and I hated that, however, I didn't do it and was angry b/c I couldn't..Now I think, what if, what if for that one second, something happened....even is she would have fallen down and cracked open her head, I would have felt awful....awful....plus I can't stand the sight of blood. 

In other cases, I have heard girls at work say they are so happy, someone else is assisting them in potty training they're children....or they were glad that they're inlaws or parents helped do so. 

So, it depends on the person...and two people never think alike, so I'm thinking if I would have only been a little more understanding instead of thinking what I was missing out on, thought more about my DIL's feelings.  While I surely didn't agree with her, I thought she was jealous, disliked me, didn't trust me...and it wasn't that at all, this was her child and she wanted me to carry through with her wishes is all....b/c she was a young mother, over protective like I was, and very afraid....felt guilt leaving her child.  When in fact, I shold have been flattered that she choose to leave her child with me, and trusted me...and just accepted her wishes without question, just because...nothing personal against me, it was just b/c.

I'm not saying this is your situation....it was mine and I'm simply venting....and sharing...if you would like to contribute some ideas...please do....I think it would be very good to share some ideas you might have...

I don't want to ever upset my DIL or hurt her again....not because I fear loosing anything, but b/c by assumption, I know I hurt her terrible...and she didn't deserve that...she was young and so was I....I'd like to think we've both matured....I know my DIL has, boy has she changed...and she's so nice to me now....I couldn't ask for more...but I never ever want to hurt anyone, the way I was hurt for 12 years...least of all her...







 

[miss_priss]

Great post Creme - lots of good things to ponder on.  I think we could discuss this until we are blue in the faces, and still have no cut-and-dry, black and white answer.  We're all different.  IMHO, some MILs/DILs don't get along because they are just too different, others because they are too much alike!  How strange is that?!?

Your second paragraph...girl, I think you might know my MIL personally, because you described her to a tee... 

There are some women MIL's/DIL's who cannot see past they're own noses, manipulative, argumentative, angry, and refuse to believe they could do anything wrong...they don't have the concept to even fathom that they are human beings, who make mistakes, no one is perfect, but if you try and point that out to them, they take it as a personal attack against they're characters....and there are some women who take offense to anything that is said b/c they are so insecure, they think people are talking about them, and/or they don't like them and when a woman feels like someone in they're family doesn't like them, boy can they're be trouble...one small thing, leads to another thing, and another and then they start assuming...which is where they're perceptions come in wrong...they are perceiving situations wrong...b/c one thing happened. 

I asked my MIL once to just tell me what she was holding against me, tell me what I had done to make her hate me so badly.  You know what she said to me?  "You were late for dinner the first time I ever met you...it just all went down hill from there."  I was speechless.  To me, this was so ridiculous that I couldn't even respond.  When this actually happened, I was working on a huge project at work and got held up in a meeting that ran well past 5pm.  What could I do?  Just get up and leave?  I ended up being an hour late arriving to meet his parents for dinner for the first time.  I felt horrible that it happened, but what could I do?  I had stepped out of my meeting long enough to call my then boyfriend, explain that my meeting was running over, and ask if we could move dinner to later or move it to another day.  He assured me it would be ok, and that he would take his parents to have cocktails at the restaurant and I could just come when I got finished.  When I got there, nearly an hour late, I apologized courteously for being late and introduced myself.  His mother snubbed me.  She shook my hand like an old cold fish, and didn't even say hello.  I tried to strike up conversation, to no avail.  It was awkward, but DH (then boyfriend) assured me it would all be ok. 

His mother held that against me and never let go of it, for 3 years!  Eventhough I had apologized, tried to make it right, etc...it was her "foundation" for our lack of a relationship.  How ridiculous!  From then on, I could do nothing right to her or for her. 

So, in general, the reason why my MIL and I don't get along is because I stopped trying to please her once i realized it didn't do any good, and began to concentrate on my relationship with her son, my career goals, and making myself and my husband happy...and because she is just plain batty.  When I learned how to "deal" with her by NOT dealing with her....she pushed my buttons harder and harder until I just started to completely ignore her and pretend she wasn't even there.  For nearly 2 years we could be in the same room, she would throw a nasty comment my way about my clothing, my cooking, whatever she could to push my buttons, and I would just walk off and pretend I didn't hear her, and she continued to get nastier and nastier with her comments, but I refused to give her the reaction she wanted from me.  She wanted me to blow up at her, so she could tell everyone I screamed at her, but I simply would not do it.  I just smiled at her and that made her even more mad.  I know, I am that DIL from hell.  This continued until her son got sick of her rudeness and cut her off completely.  They haven't spoken in months, and it's all my fault of course.   

[cremebrulee]

Hey MP
Nice of you to respond...it's such a shame your MIL is soooooo missing out on you, she is the looser in this, in more ways then one.

Yanno, I pondered the idea of when you said, she throws insults at you when your all together, right then and there, your husband should stand up and say..."Mom, this is my wife, the love of my life...and your insults are rude and embarrassing for me....this is going to stop, here and now....  Yes, Mom, she was late the first time we met, and had a very good reason for being late, anyone else would have understood, but not you....I'm telling you from now on, I don't want to hear another insult come out of your mouth, b/c when you insult her, you also insult me....and I've had enough....!"  and I just wonder what her face would look like...at that moment in time....

Sometimes ya gotta hit people with a 2 x 4 to get they're attention, and in this case, your husband should do that...

[Pen]

M_P, I have a feeling your FMIL would have come up with some other reason to snub you had you been on time. As I often say here, some MILs/DILs have no intention of having a relationship with us and are only looking for excuses to cut us off.

[cremebrulee]

M_P, I have a feeling your FMIL would have come up with some other reason to snub you had you been on time. As I often say here, some MILs/DILs have no intention of having a relationship with us and are only looking for excuses to cut us off.

Your right Pen, they don't and no matter what someone would do, it would still be rejected....

[luise.volta]

I was a "late bloomer." As a young DIL, I had very little sense of identity. I think that's part of the reason I got along with my MIL. I had known her all my life, which is unusual. We were neighbors at a family, summer resort all of my childhood.

I made the mistake of thinking, when I became a very young MIL and was still struggling with identity, that other DILs would want the same nurturing. We all know that generalization is deadly, but I didn't know it then. My DILs responded from where they were in their own maturation process, of course.
 
I now have (because of my son's divorces and re-marriages) two ex-DILs that I am close to. One is closer to me than anyone else on the planet. Also two ex-DILs who hate me to pieces and see me as evil incarnate.  My current DIL, Kirk's wife...is a wonderful and precious friend. They all have their own drummers...as do I. One that hated  me tried to cut my son from the herd and the other that felt the same way married my eldest (deceased) son, who saw me as evil. Since she saw her mother the same way, they sang the "Somebody Done Me Wrong Song" together.

I think it is hard for all of us to see that much of this is chemistry. We blend and we don't...and it's often nobodies fault. It just is. There are fantasies and phobias and remembered hurts that never happened or were misinterpreted on both sides. The variables are endless. To me, the constant most often seen in cases of compatibility is mutual maturity. With that comes compassion...acceptance...forgiveness. All kinds of good things.

[miss_priss]

I think you have a good point there.  DH and I agree that I could have been her TWIN, and I still would have done everything wrong in her eyes.  And I don't want to toot my own horn here or anything, but I'm not a bad catch.  I have my Bachelor's degree in Mathematics, I'm working on my masters', I have a good job and make enough to support myself comfortably, I lived alone in my own apartment for 4 years before I met DH and supported myself, I had no children at the time, no real "baggage,"  my own car, I'm blonde and petite...I'm no Miss America, but I'm decent looking.  I'm secure and confident in myself...I didn't NEED her son or any other man for that matter!  But I feel in love with him, and he with me, and we wanted to be with eachother out of love, companionship, and shared interests.  We were friends for 2 years before we started dating, dated for 2 more years, then married.  Sometimes I think she may have been a little jealous, not only because I spent "her" time with her son, but because I was a lot of things that she's not.  I could be totally off there, but in all of those attributes we are complete polar opposites (education, stature, independence, confidence).         

It took DH a long time to muster the courage to say something to her about her insults and comments, but he did eventually.  Her "nasty factor" increased logarithmically when he did, because then of course I was "turning her son against her."  Her tantrums are a force to be feared and thus DH was terrified of her and always tried to keep the peace, even when that meant hurting others.  Ugh, I couldn't win, we couldn't win.  She wanted us apart and she was ruthless in getting the job done.  I just had to accept that and move on.  We didn't need her approval, and honestly, the last few months without her have been the most blissful of my life.  We have eachother, we have our daughter, our home.  We're blessed with good jobs we worked hard for, and don't need the money she always flung at us trying to sweep her issues under the rug.  We have both of our extended families, and lots of great lifelong friends for support and caring.  Best of all, we finally have peace and no "mama drama."     

Its amazing to me though, that she STILL claims that she has "rights" to see our daughter.  Recently she sent us a letter saying she was going to get a lawyer and sue us for visitation with our daughter.  My friend is a lawyer and reassured me that she has no rights as long as DH and I are still living and agree that she has no priviledges, but its still scary that she could try to take us to court to see our daughter.  She once told our daughter (she's 6 months old now), that she would "take care of Mommy" so they could be together (I overheard this, and so did others).  Fortunately, she lives 8 hours away, but I have nightmares about her kidnapping our daughter.  I regret that someday our daughter will ask why grandma never comes to visit, and that will be hard.                   

[miss_priss]

Creme - your post has sparked a world of curiosity for me!  LOL, thanks...now I'll never get any work done.   

I found a great article that pointed out some things that I think make a lot of sense.  I can't speak for everyone here, but I see a lot of this in my relationship (or the lack thereof) with my MIL.   

Here are some snipits of some key points taken from the article below. 

Another savior of our relationship is my husband's relationship with his mother. "If I doubted my son's love for me, I'd be more likely to see you as a threat," she tells me. "But I don't." Apter's research supports that theory; she found that doubt is what drives any conflict between women and their mothers-in-law. "The root of the problem is vulnerability," says Apter, "the fear that the valuable relationship between mother and son is under threat as lives change. Mothers are left thinking, 'Will I still be valued for what I bring to the family?'"

And it's the man's job to let his mother know that she will be — a job most aren't very good at. "Daughters are better at reassuring their mothers that even though their lives are changing, they're still attached to their mothers," Apter says. "Men are less proactive about that reassurance." So every time my husband calls his mother to chat about the latest football scores, he takes us all another step further down the path of familial harmony.

But there is one potential powder keg we haven't come to yet: children. Apter found that, in all the ethnic cultures included in her research and across the generations, child-rearing was one of the most constant and stressful sources of conflict between daughters-in-law and mothers-in-law. "If I don't see my grandkids as much as I want, if I don't think they're being cared for properly, if I don't think they're being raised in a way that is consistent with my beliefs of a good life," then trouble can ensue, says Apter. "Each family has its own set of norms that usually fade into the background of their lives but tend to come to the foreground when two families merge."

So what happens if my husband and I have children? Raising kids is rife with possible in-law-infuriating issues: disposable diapers vs. cloth, breast-feeding vs. the bottle, video games vs. chess club. How will the decisions my husband and I make about our kids affect my relationship with my mother-in-law? "If you have children," she says, "I'll be blaming you for all their problems, not my son." She's only kidding. But for some women, that's one mother-in-law joke that's no laughing matter.

Read more: http://www.time.com/time/world/article/0,8599,1863282,00.html#ixzz0vktzuQyK

The article puts a lot of emphasis on the issue being the MILs, but I think the same key points can apply to the DIL too, insecurity, etc. 

[cremebrulee]

I was a "late bloomer." As a young DIL, I had very little sense of identity. I think that's part of the reason I got along with my MIL. I had known her all my life, which is unusual. We were neighbors at a family, summer resort all of my childhood.

I made the mistake of thinking, when I became a very young MIL and was still struggling with identity, that other DILs would want the same nurturing. We all know that generalization is deadly, but I didn't know it then. My DILs responded from where they were in their own maturation process, of course.
 
I now have (because of my son's divorces and re-marriages) two ex-DILs that I am close to. One is closer to me than anyone else on the planet. Also two ex-DILs who hate me to pieces and see me as evil incarnate.  My current DIL, Kirk's wife...is a wonderful and precious friend. They all have their own drummers...as do I. One that hated  me tried to cut my son from the herd and the other that felt the same way married my eldest (deceased) son, who saw me as evil. Since she saw her mother the same way, they sang the "Somebody Done Me Wrong Song" together.

I think it is hard for all of us to see that much of this is chemistry. We blend and we don't...and it's often nobodies fault. It just is. There are fantasies and phobias and remembered hurts that never happened or were misinterpreted on both sides. The variables are endless. To me, the constant most often seen in cases of compatibility is mutual maturity. With that comes compassion...acceptance...forgiveness. All kinds of good things.

you are so right, a lot of good material here lady, thank you....

[cremebrulee]

I think you have a good point there.  DH and I agree that I could have been her TWIN, and I still would have done everything wrong in her eyes.  And I don't want to toot my own horn here or anything, but I'm not a bad catch.  I have my Bachelor's degree in Mathematics, I'm working on my masters', I have a good job and make enough to support myself comfortably, I lived alone in my own apartment for 4 years before I met DH and supported myself, I had no children at the time, no real "baggage,"  my own car, I'm blonde and petite...I'm no Miss America, but I'm decent looking.  I'm secure and confident in myself...I didn't NEED her son or any other man for that matter!  But I feel in love with him, and he with me, and we wanted to be with eachother out of love, companionship, and shared interests.  We were friends for 2 years before we started dating, dated for 2 more years, then married.  Sometimes I think she may have been a little jealous, not only because I spent "her" time with her son, but because I was a lot of things that she's not.  I could be totally off there, but in all of those attributes we are complete polar opposites (education, stature, independence, confidence).         

It took DH a long time to muster the courage to say something to her about her insults and comments, but he did eventually.  Her "nasty factor" increased logarithmically when he did, because then of course I was "turning her son against her."  Her tantrums are a force to be feared and thus DH was terrified of her and always tried to keep the peace, even when that meant hurting others.  Ugh, I couldn't win, we couldn't win.  She wanted us apart and she was ruthless in getting the job done.  I just had to accept that and move on.  We didn't need her approval, and honestly, the last few months without her have been the most blissful of my life.  We have eachother, we have our daughter, our home.  We're blessed with good jobs we worked hard for, and don't need the money she always flung at us trying to sweep her issues under the rug.  We have both of our extended families, and lots of great lifelong friends for support and caring.  Best of all, we finally have peace and no "mama drama."     

Its amazing to me though, that she STILL claims that she has "rights" to see our daughter.  Recently she sent us a letter saying she was going to get a lawyer and sue us for visitation with our daughter.  My friend is a lawyer and reassured me that she has no rights as long as DH and I are still living and agree that she has no priviledges, but its still scary that she could try to take us to court to see our daughter.  She once told our daughter (she's 6 months old now), that she would "take care of Mommy" so they could be together (I overheard this, and so did others).  Fortunately, she lives 8 hours away, but I have nightmares about her kidnapping our daughter.  I regret that someday our daughter will ask why grandma never comes to visit, and that will be hard.                   

I feel very sorry for you, but more so for your MIL, she is never going to get it?  What a shame...and yes, it's good she lives futher away, so she can't just pop in unannounced....

But I still think, if your husband would be able to divorce himself from his mother and that fear he keeps inside...and he does what I say, right in front of anyone who is there...she may think twice before ever hurting your feelings again, and I'm sorry, but I blame our sons for allowing this to bloom way out of hand...he really should have put his foot down from the very beginning....

Sorry MP

[cremebrulee]

Creme - your post has sparked a world of curiosity for me!  LOL, thanks...now I'll never get any work done.   

I found a great article that pointed out some things that I think make a lot of sense.  I can't speak for everyone here, but I see a lot of this in my relationship (or the lack thereof) with my MIL.   

Here are some snipits of some key points taken from the article below. 

Another savior of our relationship is my husband's relationship with his mother. "If I doubted my son's love for me, I'd be more likely to see you as a threat," she tells me. "But I don't." Apter's research supports that theory; she found that doubt is what drives any conflict between women and their mothers-in-law. "The root of the problem is vulnerability," says Apter, "the fear that the valuable relationship between mother and son is under threat as lives change. Mothers are left thinking, 'Will I still be valued for what I bring to the family?'"

And it's the man's job to let his mother know that she will be — a job most aren't very good at. "Daughters are better at reassuring their mothers that even though their lives are changing, they're still attached to their mothers," Apter says. "Men are less proactive about that reassurance." So every time my husband calls his mother to chat about the latest football scores, he takes us all another step further down the path of familial harmony.

But there is one potential powder keg we haven't come to yet: children. Apter found that, in all the ethnic cultures included in her research and across the generations, child-rearing was one of the most constant and stressful sources of conflict between daughters-in-law and mothers-in-law. "If I don't see my grandkids as much as I want, if I don't think they're being cared for properly, if I don't think they're being raised in a way that is consistent with my beliefs of a good life," then trouble can ensue, says Apter. "Each family has its own set of norms that usually fade into the background of their lives but tend to come to the foreground when two families merge."

So what happens if my husband and I have children? Raising kids is rife with possible in-law-infuriating issues: disposable diapers vs. cloth, breast-feeding vs. the bottle, video games vs. chess club. How will the decisions my husband and I make about our kids affect my relationship with my mother-in-law? "If you have children," she says, "I'll be blaming you for all their problems, not my son." She's only kidding. But for some women, that's one mother-in-law joke that's no laughing matter.

Read more: http://www.time.com/time/world/article/0,8599,1863282,00.html#ixzz0vktzuQyK

The article puts a lot of emphasis on the issue being the MILs, but I think the same key points can apply to the DIL too, insecurity, etc.

I liked this thanks, bought a lot of good food to the table...LOL
Thanks

[Pen]

So, if a DIL will encourage her husband to do what it takes to reassure his mom that he still loves & values her as a part of his life, the MIL will be less likely to be needy, hateful and demanding? A win-win?

Hallelujah! All our problems solved!

[cremebrulee]

So, if a DIL will encourage her husband to do what it takes to reassure his mom that he still loves & values her as a part of his life, the MIL will be less likely to be needy, hateful and demanding? A win-win?

Hallelujah! All our problems solved!

yup

now wouldn't that be a hoot? 

[miss_priss]

But I still think, if your husband would be able to divorce himself from his mother and that fear he keeps inside...and he does what I say, right in front of anyone who is there...she may think twice before ever hurting your feelings again, and I'm sorry, but I blame our sons for allowing this to bloom way out of hand...he really should have put his foot down from the very beginning....

You could be right Creme.  But by the time he did, I think she was just too far in to back out.  In the years I've known her I've seen her "perform" to more people than just me.  She really does not like "outsiders" (that's what she calls us).  Cases and points: 

 1.  When her nephew got married, she threw a tantrum because the bride didn't pick her to be the wedding director (she historically directs ALL the family's weddings, I think because they fear doing otherwise).  At the reception, she made an announcement to ALL 200+ people there, that "the bride better learn to accept <nephew>'s family, or she's gonna have a hard row to hoe!"   (As a side note, this was the same reception where she was drunk and told my daughter she's "take care of Mommy.")  It was an early night for her, my DH packed her up in the car and took her home after she passed out on a picnic table. 

2.  When another nephew's then-girlfriend got pregnant, after 3 years of dating, and mere months before their wedding, MIL says to nephew's girlfriend, in front of girlfriend's family at the baby shower:  "Of all people in the world he coulda went and knocked up...well, I guess we're just stuck with you now."  She laughed like she was joking.  Her family did not think it was funny and asked her to leave. 

3.  Yet another nephew dated the same girl since high school, a very sweet, but rather shy girl.  At nephew's engagement party, MIL tells her Nieces (nephew's younger sisters) "You've got to step it up a notch girls, she's been around way too long and she's just not ever going to fit in here."  Nieces told nephew, nephew told MIL's sister, sister confronts MIL....sister asks MIL to leave.  Noticing a trend???

I could go on and on.  She's embarrassed herself and her family, in public and at private family functions more times than I can count.  And these are just times that I was there!  DH says she's done it his whole life.  When she does things like this its easy to see the color fall right off DH's face and then the embarrassment and humiliation takes over.  But to her, everything she does is completely justified, and she's "not going to change, because that's just who I am!"  His whole life he's just tried to ignore her embarrassing behavior and awful treatment of others, but he finally got tired of it and cut her off.  I'm glad he's mature enough not to have cut off the ENTIRE family, because I love the rest of them so much, and even the other ILs she's humiliated and tried to scare away, we've all bonded over this and I feel like I have "sisters" in this situation.  I am so lucky to have this whack-job out of my life.

[cremebrulee]

But I still think, if your husband would be able to divorce himself from his mother and that fear he keeps inside...and he does what I say, right in front of anyone who is there...she may think twice before ever hurting your feelings again, and I'm sorry, but I blame our sons for allowing this to bloom way out of hand...he really should have put his foot down from the very beginning....

You could be right Creme.  But by the time he did, I think she was just too far in to back out.  In the years I've known her I've seen her "perform" to more people than just me.  She really does not like "outsiders" (that's what she calls us).  Cases and points: 

 1.  When her nephew got married, she threw a tantrum because the bride didn't pick her to be the wedding director (she historically directs ALL the family's weddings, I think because they fear doing otherwise).  At the reception, she made an announcement to ALL 200+ people there, that "the bride better learn to accept <nephew>'s family, or she's gonna have a hard row to hoe!"   (As a side note, this was the same reception where she was drunk and told my daughter she's "take care of Mommy.")  It was an early night for her, my DH packed her up in the car and took her home after she passed out on a picnic table. 

2.  When another nephew's then-girlfriend got pregnant, after 3 years of dating, and mere months before their wedding, MIL says to nephew's girlfriend, in front of girlfriend's family at the baby shower:  "Of all people in the world he coulda went and knocked up...well, I guess we're just stuck with you now."  She laughed like she was joking.  Her family did not think it was funny and asked her to leave. 

3.  Yet another nephew dated the same girl since high school, a very sweet, but rather shy girl.  At nephew's engagement party, MIL tells her Nieces (nephew's younger sisters) "You've got to step it up a notch girls, she's been around way too long and she's just not ever going to fit in here."  Nieces told nephew, nephew told MIL's sister, sister confronts MIL....sister asks MIL to leave.  Noticing a trend???

I could go on and on.  She's embarrassed herself and her family, in public and at private family functions more times than I can count.  And these are just times that I was there!  DH says she's done it his whole life.  When she does things like this its easy to see the color fall right off DH's face and then the embarrassment and humiliation takes over.  But to her, everything she does is completely justified, and she's "not going to change, because that's just who I am!"  His whole life he's just tried to ignore her embarrassing behavior and awful treatment of others, but he finally got tired of it and cut her off.  I'm glad he's mature enough not to have cut off the ENTIRE family, because I love the rest of them so much, and even the other ILs she's humiliated and tried to scare away, we've all bonded over this and I feel like I have "sisters" in this situation.  I am so lucky to have this whack-job out of my life.

yanno what....she is a huge problem...and I don't believe anything you and hubby would do would change her...

Miss Priss, I just posted on another thread and saw it was Anna's Birthday...
She and her hubby are taking a 3 day weekend together...she is trying very hard to consentrate on other things other then her DIL problems..I think she is becoming very wise to do so....

When the kids have grown, they leave home, like they are supposed to do...however, there are some mothers who have gotten used to making they're kids they're entire purpose in life...it's very difficult to change that mindset in an instant....

I envy these MIL's like Anna, b/c she gets to watch her Grand child...and for that I'm happy....I just saw my GC for the first time in 3 years last month, and my son and DIL....it went well, we had a great time....however, we live far away from each other....I wasn't feeling well and wrote my son about it, and out of the clear blue sky, my DIL called me to see what was going on....wasn't that nice of her to do?  I thought so...and I find myself, starting to love her for her kindness, however, I have backed off extremely and allow her to make moves...I want to be her friend, as all of us want....anyway...my point is....sorry, like always I got off track here...(sheesh) 

My point is, you have a husband...here's a suggestion....we get caught up in schedules and routines...I suggest, you forget about MIL as much as possible...you have certainly tried, and now consentrate on whoooing hubby.  Don't ever forget to take time to play, and plan special weekend getaways for the two of you....your husbands will love it...all that attention...

Grab his arm when your walking together, and pretend you just met him. 

You guys don't know how lucky you are to have husbands....consentrate on that...you have a companion there with you to love, to hold, to admire, to experience life with...

Me, my son lives far away....I am alone, except for my neighbors and friends....and I do so miss having a companion...however, I was never lucky at love...always seemed to choose the crumb bumbs to date....I was so immature and so very dependent on being loved at the time when I did choose....so, wallow in your have's and forget about this evil woman....your very very fortunate...don't ever allow her to come inbetween you....I think that is why she's pushing your buttons....not to mention, she's a control freak and way out there somewhere in her own very selfish world.  She has no clue what she is missing in you....and never will....

Hugs and sending love
Creme