Is it ONLY sons???

[luise.volta]

Lots of clarity there. We have similar experiences but none are the same. And we often only know part of the story.

Trust is so hard to rebuild. I can forgive but when trust is broken, that's something else.

Your DH was programed. It is on a level down below rational thought and logic. And it's been there all his life. His mother did what she thought mother's should do...and it turned into pathology for both of them. Now, it seems to me that a good counselor is going to be needed to help repair the damage. My heart goes out to you. Sending love..

[Nana]

Sunny 1:

Yes you are right.  In your case your marriage suffered because of your mil and the way your husband handled the situation (or did not handle).  It must have been very painful because you have felt betrayed and are disappointed that He who was your best friend before did not set boundaries. 

I was seeing it differently.  I thought that we mil's usually have more to lose because our sons normally decide to support wife (which is only normal) because its the person they are committed to.  When I was having problems with dil, I know my son witnessed the rudeness in dil's attitude and behavior to us (hubby and I).  He complained once in a while to her but that was all.  He let her be.  When I decided to move on because I couldnt take it any longer, I did speak to son and told him about my decision.  He understood perfectly well because he knew and saw all that was being done to us.  He respected my decision and told me he loved me and I told him I loved him too and that was something no one could change.    Sunny, I did feel that I was in a lot more pain than dil (in fact I thought she didnt care).   I really thought that my life would never be the same after this experience and losing gs and son.    Things did change thank God.  But when I was grieving, I really, really was a reck, totally depressed.

I understand now that it has not been easy for you.  I do hope your son understands that his mom caused all this mess and I do hope you forgive him for not being strong enough to deal with this.

I do hope things will turn to be what they use to b.  Think that he is a good man and that is why to laid your eyes on him.    It has not been easy for him to let go...good-hearted man.


You need to do a lot of talking with your husand. 

I wish you the best of luck. 

[Pooh]

Bless your heart Sunny, your situation has caused much pain for you and your DH.  I understand how you feel when you say "DH betrayed you by not standing up for you."  My ex-MIL was really awful and my ex-DH never stood up for me either, and that hurt.

But I can look back now and honestly say, he was lost.  This is the person he grew up with, and although he knew her behavior was bad, he was used to it and she had always been that way.  This was "normal" for him.  He knew she was wrong, but he accepted her as the person she was and just went on.  Their entire family did.

I think now you have to be the accepting one.  Not of MIL, but of DH if you want to rebuild your relationship.  You are going to have to look at it as he didn't betray you, or disrespect you on purpose, he just didn't know what to do.  All those things about him that you fell in love with, are still there.  But now, you have to go past the hurt to see them.  You had no hurt in your way when you were just friends and falling in love, so those qualities were easy to see. 

I am not saying that you are wrong to feel any of that.  It is very hurtful when the person that loves you, doesn't protect you.  But I see from your stories that MIL is now cutoff (rightfully so).  So that says to me, that DH does value you enough to realize you come first.  Does that mean he is not hurting or feeling badly about cutting his Mother out of his life?  No way...that is a hard thing to do.  Does that put obstacles in the way of your relationship?  Absolutely, because now both of you are hurting. 

Your DH sounds like a good person, and you sound like a very understanding, giving Lady.  I truly hope you both can find some peace and work through your issues and get back to where you want to be.

[cremebrulee]

I often dream of putting "those" MILs and DILs together on a raft and pushing them out into shark-infested waters! 

Hee hee....I love when Luise says that!

Hmmm...apparently it's a common thought on here, huh? Maybe someone should submit that idea so that they ["those " MIL's and DIL's"] can be the butt of a New Yorker cartoon. 

yeah, but think about it, then, they'd together have to work as a team...to survive...in other words, adapt to each other and not take everything so personal....yanno...they'd be forced into getting along...

yes, I could see it as a cartoon but also see the reality of truth in it.....

Good ONe Louise!!!!!!!  I like it....

[cremebrulee]

Bless your heart Sunny, your situation has caused much pain for you and your DH.  I understand how you feel when you say "DH betrayed you by not standing up for you."  My ex-MIL was really awful and my ex-DH never stood up for me either, and that hurt.

But I can look back now and honestly say, he was lost.  This is the person he grew up with, and although he knew her behavior was bad, he was used to it and she had always been that way.  This was "normal" for him.  He knew she was wrong, but he accepted her as the person she was and just went on.  Their entire family did.

I think now you have to be the accepting one.  Not of MIL, but of DH if you want to rebuild your relationship.  You are going to have to look at it as he didn't betray you, or disrespect you on purpose, he just didn't know what to do.  All those things about him that you fell in love with, are still there.  But now, you have to go past the hurt to see them.  You had no hurt in your way when you were just friends and falling in love, so those qualities were easy to see. 

I am not saying that you are wrong to feel any of that.  It is very hurtful when the person that loves you, doesn't protect you.  But I see from your stories that MIL is now cutoff (rightfully so).  So that says to me, that DH does value you enough to realize you come first.  Does that mean he is not hurting or feeling badly about cutting his Mother out of his life?  No way...that is a hard thing to do.  Does that put obstacles in the way of your relationship?  Absolutely, because now both of you are hurting. 

Your DH sounds like a good person, and you sound like a very understanding, giving Lady.  I truly hope you both can find some peace and work through your issues and get back to where you want to be.

Sunny, I agree...especially the part about cutting his mother out of your lives...that, was a very difficult and painful thing for your husband to do...

Our husbands/son's are hurting just as much as we are....believe me, some more...if you can imagine? 

Your on the right course....but things take time...and have to be handled in each own person's time...I mean, try and understand...while his mother is wrong...very wrong, it's difficult for a child to admit they're parents weaknesses...we've been programmed to respect our parents...and it's proven, that even children of abused parents....excessively abusive will indeed defend they're parents...

So what I'm suggeting is put yourself in his shoes, and think about how you would feel...you can't change people in a hurry, it takes time...however, if your patient and understand...it will go a lot further....then if you try and get 100% results right now....each little improvement is a milestone, look at it that way, then give it time....make him think he's making the decissions...encourage him and tell him your there for him....don't take offense when he defends her....he's not rejecting you in anyway or saying your wrong...he is caught in a real bad place...and it's not easy...he does indeed love you...be secure and sure of that....

hugs
Creme

[miss_priss]

Sunny1 - I get what you're saying too.  I am not a MIL, I only have a small child, but I can't imagine the pain that must come with being cut out of your child's life...for normal REASONABLE people.  But Sunny1, let's face it...MILs like ours are NOT reasonable, and thus they are cut off and we are here.  The reasonable, respectable MILs here truly are grieving, in a process that is healthy (with support, encouragement, bonding friendships, venting, understanding).  MILS like ours, on the other hand...their method of "grieving"is victimizing themselves for false sympathy and then plotting their revenge.  And that's very sad.  That may not apply to all the monster-type MILs, but it does apply to my own.

I was too on the "Mother-In-Law Hell" site.  There's some crazy stuff on there, and I think there is a need for that type of site...for those who just wish to "wallow" in it and complain.  That was awesome when I just needed to vent and get it all out.  Then, I created my private blog.  There, I am anonymous, and I never use my name or hers...and its not for anyone to read, respond to, or advise on....its a place I can say the things to her that I want to say...without ever really saying them.  I can scream at her, I can write in all caps if I want to...and its for no one but me.  That helps me release the steam.  But this site has been so much better, for me anyway, to gain some similance of understanding of why this all happened, the psychology behind it, and understanding my own reactions to it.  The biggest difference is the positivity and encouragement here.  Good spirits for the most part.           

[luise.volta]

Yes, that's the core of our site...to find ways to survive and not get stuck in the "Somebody Done Me Wrong, Song" that can create victims and cause more harm than good. People can become addicted to hate sites and hate hurts the hater too much to encourage that. Our goal is healing...finding ways to get on with our lives. We are love-based.

[Pen]

Yes, healing is the goal. But sometimes I resent the reason I have to be the one to heal 

DIL admits we've done nothing wrong, but the result is the same as if I were one of the nasty MILs on one of the evil MIL sites. It's not my behavior that put me here, but hers. Yet I'm the one who has to heal in a "process that is healthy" or whatever. Sometimes I wish I had done something I could apologize for so I could just get it over with. Alas, I shoulder the burden of being a good MIL.

[luise.volta]

I agree. Justice and fairness...where AAARRRRE you? And of course all parties need to heal. If not in this life...in the next? Sending love...

[barelythere]

Yes, healing is the goal. But sometimes I resent the reason I have to be the one to heal 

DIL admits we've done nothing wrong, but the result is the same as if I were one of the nasty MILs on one of the evil MIL sites. It's not my behavior that put me here, but hers. Yet I'm the one who has to heal in a "process that is healthy" or whatever. Sometimes I wish I had done something I could apologize for so I could just get it over with. Alas, I shoulder the burden of being a good MIL.

I do know what you mean, Pen. Did you happen to watch that TV show, The Middle this week?  I'm not much of a fan of sitcoms but this one is so cute.  Her son was dating this girl who was ordering him around and the Mother heard her tell him that her parents were way better than his.  Course, the Mother took it to the edge and had them married and them never seeing their grandkids.  He found another girl so all went well.  In real life it get much more hard to take. 

[Pooh]

Yes, healing is the goal. But sometimes I resent the reason I have to be the one to heal 

DIL admits we've done nothing wrong, but the result is the same as if I were one of the nasty MILs on one of the evil MIL sites. It's not my behavior that put me here, but hers. Yet I'm the one who has to heal in a "process that is healthy" or whatever. Sometimes I wish I had done something I could apologize for so I could just get it over with. Alas, I shoulder the burden of being a good MIL.

I agree with Pen that it is soooo not fair and makes me mad too.  Then I try remember that all control related issues are about the victims learning to heal.  In child molestation, a rape or other things where they didn't do anything wrong either, but have to find a way to heal themselves.  We are no different.

[luise.volta]

This may not be true for others but when I don't heal, it's because I get stuck in being right. 

[cremebrulee]

This may not be true for others but when I don't heal, it's because I get stuck in being right. 

Boy you are so right!!!  Hah, no play on words intended....


I was sexually abused as a child, from the time I was 5 years old...my real mother hated me, hates other people, was jealous of me, made me go to work when I was 13 and hand over all my pay checks to her (I really didn't mind, b/c I knew she was struggling) however, she constantly blamed me for her life...heard the same stuff all over again...wouldn't let me go with my friends, literally mocked me, told me over and over again...every body loves you, but they don't know you do they...and I was a child...or I could have given you up for adoption, but decided to keep you...or slapped me so hard across the ears that I am hard of hearing to this day....gave me bloody noses, embarrassed me in front of my friends...did horrible things I couldn't even write about....had husbands run around on me...two failures...I felt like my son, was the only thing I had done right...I didn't choose my mother, I don't think?   
What I'm trying to say, and don't get me wrong, there are many people who have had it, much more difficult than I have...however, the saving grace was, I literally prayed so hard every night.."Please don't let me be like my mother, please?" And I fought it with all my might, observed other people and knew at a young age, this wasn't the way to be...went to church as a child...grew up with a lot of good influneces in my life and fought it darn hard....it was a very very long fight, more then 1/2 my life....
hating was the easy part...forgiving takes work...but the outcome is...so much more to life....I won't ever compromise peace for anyone again...and will continue to strive to learn how to deal with relationships, and not allow people to dictate to me, how to live my life...and will not be a door mat, but fight back like a lady...if need be....won't ever loose my self respect again....and it takes reconditioning....and perhaps, that is my only purpose in life?  I don't know...but I tell you ladies, it's been one heck of a ride...a great one...and I'm not sorry...nor do I or can I hate....

my attitude is, you don't like me, that's fine and your choice...we can't all like each other, however, I won't allow anyone to treat me like I'm no good....I can stop it with a look and just by turning around and walking away....but I won't allow someone else to bring me down to they're level and fight like that....after I fought back, I felt worse then before...and what it was about was the fact, that I hated myself for reacting so badly...was embarrassed, made the person I was fighting look like they were the ones that were right....and there are people who are darn sharp and quick witted with words....they push your buttons...on purpose (it always shocked my whole system when people argued like that, right into a state of confussion, which is what they want to do, to deter you from the subject to appear right)...I am not quick witted... however, I won't buy into it either.

[luise.volta]

Awful and beautiful! Viva la Creme!! Sending love...

[Sunny1]

This may not be true for others but when I don't heal, it's because I get stuck in being right. 

luise, you are so right. I know that I am stuck there. I had been told by him and his family that I was wrong for so long, even though they arrogantly and blatantly hypocritical,  I just waited for DH open his eyes to it. Somewhere along the line though,  my patient understanding of his position within his family's dysfunction started turning to bitterness and resentment, and now its outright anger. I often feel like an emotional basket-case because I still am very much in love with him, but I'm so angry with him too.

I have been talking with someone /counselor for the last 8 months. DH has not, he says he wants, but his actions speek louder than his words.

He had also, "said" for a long time that our relationship was his first priority,  but his actions always put his mom first. I feel that cutting her off this late in the game was futile.

 He had already trampled on me and our relationship so much that I had kicked him out, he had allowed his mom to be that much of a wedge in our relationship,  she succeeded inruining our wedding and our marriage.  I'm so angry with him for allowing it to get that far, and only jumping on board when he knew for certain that I'd more than reached my limit of tolerance and patience .  By that time he'd been acknowledging her foul actins for quite some time, he just wouldn't do anything about them.


I want to thank you ladies sooooo much for all of the advice,  and apologize for not getting back sooner. But once again, giving 110% of myself, I had planned a nice little romantic weekend away with DH this past weekend to celebrate his birthday ...sometimes I feel like all of my efforts are pointless.