Is it ONLY sons???

[cremebrulee]

Haha, Creme, I've taken to avoiding my smoking friends outside the office building because it makes me crave.  Same thing with designating my home as a no smoking zone.  It's not because I object to it, but because it's torture to smell it around me and not be able to have one.

LOL, that passes, and then it gets really really stinky...and you wonder, how could you have done that...
never smoked in my house...always outside...I have a covered porch...the cravings are lessoning...however, it's not happening as fast as it did the last time...sure hope it works....

[cremebrulee]

When I was a kid and ran with an older crowd...peer pressure brought me to smoking at age 13. The only health caution was that "smoking stunts your growth," which didn't daunt most girls. We all wanted to be cute and little.

At age 39, I remarried and my guy said my smoking was the one thing he didn't like about me. (He was a former smoker and preached.) He said that he would start up again, get hooked and quit with me, if I would agree and I did. (Is that love or what?) On my 40th birthday, eight months later, I said 'OK! Now!" He had a terrible time and so did I but we made it together and he probably saved my life.

When I smell cigarette, it makes me sick and I have "moderately severe COPD" as a reminder that we were designed to breath air, not smoke.  (Firemen wear masks!)

Luise, my girlfriends sister has copd?  So sorry to hear....

[Pen]

Both of my parents smoked when I was a child. I must have reeked, but most of the other kids in school did too, I guess. Smoking was really common back then.

[luise.volta]

Regarding the COPD: I go years without having to use my inhaler but when a bug comes along and gets in my lungs, I'm in deep trouble. I find the best thing for lung health is aerobic exercise. Sending love...

[cremebrulee]

Both of my parents smoked when I was a child. I must have reeked, but most of the other kids in school did too, I guess. Smoking was really common back then.

yes, back then there were a heck of a lot more people smoking then there is today...and as I'm certain smoking is bad for you, there are many, many more people with cancer then ever before...I don't buy they're claims...one of my best girlfriends died of lung cancer and never smoked a day in her life...now another close friend has it, and she tells me, when you go in for treatment and just see how many adults...and this doesn't inlclude the children...I honestly believe a lot of cancers are caused by all the chemicals we inject daily...plus when you reach the age of say 55, you are now a prime candidate for any illness, heart disease and so forth...so logically, all this stuff about smoking, is a smoke screen, no pun intended...and yes, smoking is not good for you..but the first thing someone says when they're 98 year old mother died is, "did she smoke"....sheeesh?  Next is over weight people...you watch...they are starting all ready....if your overweight, it causes cancer? 

[cremebrulee]

Regarding the COPD: I go years without having to use my inhaler but when a bug comes along and gets in my lungs, I'm in deep trouble. I find the best thing for lung health is aerobic exercise. Sending love...

I bet my friends sister is in the hospital at least once a year with it, and yes, she to must be very careful not to get a cold or worse....I'm going to ask her if her sister would consider that aerobic exercise...thanks Luise...
and be well.....

hugs

[kathleen]

Creme,

I read your post about cancer.  Yes, there are many, many people who can smoke and get away with it and never get cancer.  My grandfather was one of them.  He smoked at least two packs of unfiltered Camels per day and never got lung cancer.

Instead, he got heart disease and died from it.

My aunt, his daughter, too, believed that smoking did not really lead to cancer.  She always told me, "When your number's up it's up, smoking or not."  Then she got esophageal cancer and died, and on her death bed begged her daughter, a smoker, to quit.  (Her house was a smoke factory when the two of them got together and inflicted it on the rest of us; it WAS their house.)  Smoking and drinking together, which she did, makes you 15 times more likely to get esophageal cancer.  It's all how  you want to play the odds.

Yes, there are people who get cancer and never have smoked.

But smoking greatly increases your odds of lung cancer and other illnesses.  This cannot be denied; it is a medical fact, not a fact-fad.  When I stopped denying it, I quit.

I hope so much for you that you can quit,

Kathleen

[justus]

Back on topic, I am the DD who had a problem with her mom, or rather my M was an MIL from you know where. She expected to be right in the middle of my M. She felt entitled to know about our sex life, our arguments, and our finances. She thought we should do exactly what she told us to do regarding our children. She expected me to call her every day, and for us to be at dinner every Sunday. She expected each of us to confide in her about the other person. She expected to go on our vacations, on our date nights, and on any trip we took even if it was to a local big box store.

When I insisted on healthy boundaries, she blamed DH. Nothing he could do was right. She complained to my siblings who reamed me out. She made up stories, or took our words or actions out of context to make herself look like a victim. She used my children to get to me. She undermined me as a parent and did her best to poison my children against DH (we are a blended family). In my first marriage, she actually insisted I choose between her and my then H, and I could tell she was going to try the same trick with DH even though it didn't work the first time. I headed her off and made sure she knew my loyalty with with my DH. So, she made all of the rest of the family, including my children, choose between me and her.

The result is that she is cut out of my life. She thinks it is all because of DH, but I think it would have come to this even if he weren't around. She was partially responsible for the break up of my first marriage and I learned from that experience that if I wanted a healthy marriage, I needed to set healthy boundaries with my Mom. Since she cannot handle boundaries of any sort, it was inevitable that we would have problems.

Growing up, I felt like I had a bucket of emotions inside that always had to be available to my mother to stir up or dip into as she needed. I had no control over it at all. As I grew up, I learned how to deflect her overwhelming emotional needs somewhat. As an adult, I refused to be responsible for her emotional needs. I expected her to put on her big girl pants and learn how to deal with them herself. This is were the real problem was, I took control of when I would be emotionally available to her. She couldn't use me anymore.

[luise.volta]

How amazing that you stopped the pathology and didn't become your mother. A beautiful testimony to accessing inner resources and taking responsibility for your own well being. Growing up with a damaged person as a role model so often causes confusion and permanent harm. My hat is off to you, seriously! 

[miss_priss]

ABSOLUTELY!!!!! 

I agree somewhat with the ideology of "we are what we're raised to be," but it also seems so reasonable to think that we as adults make our own lives, our own choices, our own mistakes, our own personalities.  We truly do have the power within ourselves to break the cycles impressed upon us by our parents.

You could have chosen to follow in her footsteps and use her as an excuse for your own actions...but you chose to break that cycle....kudos to you Justus!

[Keys Girl]

Good for you, Justus, my own mother was a blend of positive traits and hidden hostility.

I haven't seen her in 15 years, but still send cards and gifts.  I like to think of her negative traits as the "Lead by Bad Example" and have tried to keep the positive things she taught me and let the rest fall by the wayside.

[Sassy]

This was in this weekend's Dear Abby newspaper column.  It made me think of this thread.

As such I wondered, is it usually "ONLY" husbands (i.e., sons) who are so willing to let his wife take the heat or the blame for his issues with his parents.  This letter almost seems an anomaly, because it is the Daughter who is mistreating her husband in an attempt to avoid honest communication with her parents.  I read this and I thought, if she could try to be a better wife, she would probably also ultimately be a better daughter.



DEAR ABBY: My childhood was difficult. My mother was a bitter, unforgiving, jealous woman. My father traveled a lot for his business and just tolerated my mother when he was home. I decided to never have children to bring into this family.

When I first met Dave -- my husband of 10 years -- I told him my feelings. He said it was fine with him -- he never had a strong desire to be a father. Until recently, our marriage has been a happy one.

After constant nagging by my mother about "When are you going to give me grandkids?" I lied and said that Dave had a low sperm count and we wouldn't be having any. Now Dave is no longer invited to their home for monthly Sunday dinners.

Mother is suggesting I divorce Dave and marry "someone who can give her grandchildren." Dave says that because he is "uninvited" I shouldn't go either. My father sides with my mother and says she's a lonely person. He says he will change his will if I upset Mom by not visiting.

Abby, this has caused a real strain on our marriage. Please help. -- NOBODY'S MAMA IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR NOBODY'S MAMA: I'll try. The success of a marriage is not measured by the ability to produce grandchildren. If you hadn't lied to your mother, she wouldn't be blaming your husband for the fact that she doesn't have any. Tell her the real reason why you won't be having children, and how she influenced that decision. Her treatment of your husband and her meddling in your marriage are outrageous.

Tell your father to keep his money, and if your mother is "lonely" it's his job to fill her empty hours. If you allow your parents to continue to manipulate you, you will find yourself alone.

[miss_priss]

DEAR NOBODY'S MAMA: I'll try. The success of a marriage is not measured by the ability to produce grandchildren. If you hadn't lied to your mother, she wouldn't be blaming your husband for the fact that she doesn't have any. Tell her the real reason why you won't be having children, and how she influenced that decision. Her treatment of your husband and her meddling in your marriage are outrageous.

Tell your father to keep his money, and if your mother is "lonely" it's his job to fill her empty hours. If you allow your parents to continue to manipulate you, you will find yourself alone.

What good, sound advice. 

[luise.volta]

That Abby is a Sweetie!

[kathleen]

Wow.  Does this letter to Abby represent the very worst a mother-in-law can give out, or what?  No wonder we sometimes get a bad name.  This MIL from down below engages in practically every bad behavior possible. 

My own MIL, too, dangled a "will" in front of everyone, picked favorites, and all this outlasted her death.  It put the nails in the coffin of any possible positive relationship for my husband and his siblings.  The will was merely a continuation of the competition she started among these kids in childhood.  As adults, they might have come together, but even now as seniors they continue to compete with each other for love and approval that never will come.

I so much hope this young woman's marriage will survive.  But I totally agree with Abby that she should consider coming clean with her mother, and forget about the will.  In my MIL's case, as it turned out, all the money was spent anyway by the time she died, and all that was left to fight over was a collection of items of no real value.  (My brother-in-law had purloined the possibly valuable coin collection years before.  That BIL, by the way, spent a miserable life waiting first for his wife's inheritance, then for our aunt's.  He was dishonest as the executor of our aunt's will.  I guess he
lived for this stuff because he was so unsuccessful in all the businesses he tried.)

This young woman really owes it to her husband to take him off the scapegoat list, I think.  But I'm not so sure I would start a rumpus by "telling the real reason" for the lies.  This is not a woman who will be receptive to hearing about her faults.  And she will likely start a new round of bad behavior if she feels accused of that very thing.

I found this letter to Abby very interesting.  Any other comments?

I do love Abby and feel her advice was great.

Kathleen