24 Y/O Son is dating a 34 y/o woman who has 3 teenagers

[Ree]

Hello all,
My 24 y/o son is dating a 34 y/o woman who has a 16 y/o son, a 15 y/o and an 11 y/o daughters!
She is manipulating him to the hilt!  He is no longer interested in going back to college and his temporary job is about to end in 2 weeks!  She works the same temp job and will be losing her job too.  He's talking about marrying her and having a baby with her!  He asked me if I wanted to meet her and I told him no thanks.  Yesterday was my birthday and since I rarely see my son He and I took a road trip to a topiary garden.  The woman called him 5 times while he was driving me to the garden!  He was texting her back and forth whle we were at the garden and became frustrated with her and said I told you we'll talk about it when I get back. I'm trying to spend time with mom today because it's her 50th birthday."  Feeling proud of him for finally speaking up to her , We completed our trip, ate lunch and headed back.  Well, 30 minutes later the woman had her 11 y/o daughter call my son and he spoke to the girl for a few minutes and then finally told her (the child) that he was spending time with his mother on her birthday and he would see her later.  After he hung up he told me that the girl (the 11 y/o) said to tell me happy birthday! 
Am I wrong for feeling that this woman is emotionally unstable and her lack of parenting skills are WACKO?  She told my son that she hopes when they have kids that "their" baby won't have the same vision problems he has (my son wears glasses)  BABY?! ANOTHER CHILD at 34 when you don't even have a job and neither does the intended father (my 24 y/o inexperienced son)?!  I say again WTF?!  Her children's father supposedly beat her when they were together (for 15 years but they never got married)...he's now married and has more children with his wife.  She constantly tells my son about her past relationships with other men. (she's only dated 2 guys in her whole life (at age 34! (WOMAN PLEEEEEEEZE)  each one turned out bad because the guy was abusive according to her) She keeps telling my son that he's probably going to be the same way and she can't trust any man...blah,blah,blah. But she calls him 5 times within 15 min of him leaving her to visit his own mother? If the man was so bad why did YOU KEEP HAVING children with him?  HUH? What the heck?  She still talks about her children's father and still has the children visit with him and his wife.  My son has met the 36 y/o man and even though they had no qualms with each other .  My son is now bad mouthing the 36 y/o man too...  This is manipulation in it's simpliest form to me.  My son plays computer games and X-box with her 16 y/o son!  I tried desperately not to get upset and I was successful until the woman's daughter called my son (call number 6 in a 45 min time period)  Am I wrong to have said that I didn't want to meet this woman?  Isn't there something seriously wrong here?  I was a single mother with my son (His dad and I were married for 11 years and divorced when he was 5 years old).  He is an only child so I realize that I may be in a protective mode, but...Help!

[luise.volta]

Please reread the agreement about the language that is not allowed and the abbreviations, as well. Thanks. I modified your post, accordingly.

My sense is that your son is of age and is going to make his own choice here. And I agree that any way you can counsel him to step back and take a long look at what he is about to get himself into is worth a try. The whole thing is loaded. No wonder you don't want to meet her.

[Ree]

...sorry about the abbreviations.   just over venting...won't happen again.  I had a flash forward to the future and I don't see my son happy.  He seemed weary not happy, the whole time he was telling me about her.  Thanks for your insight Louise.  I'm calmer now.

[luise.volta]

It's awful when we see our young adult (kids) on the brink of what is so obviously a huge mistake. It sounds like he has a great relationship with you so maybe you can help. Sending good thoughts your way.

[Ree]

Well, my son asked me again if I wanted to meet his new "girl" friend.  I said no thanks again. After he told me more about what's been happening, I got up the courage to tell him how I feel about the whole mess. I told him the woman is too old for him to get serious about.  I told him she was manipulattive and she seems clueless about her daughters safety. I had not been sleeping well after the woman's 11 y/o daughter called my son again this time "just to talk".  I told him to protect himself by never speaking to the girl or her sister (14 y/o) again on the phone w/o their mother's knowledge.  I told him to ask immediately if the mother knows they are calling him and ask to speak to the mother.  I told him to tell the mother that it is inappropriate to allow her 11 y/o daughter to call him, be alone with him, or sit on any 24 y/o MAN's lap! (Yes, the mother was watching and said nothing!)  My son said he felt "uncomfortable" and now he stands up the whole time he's there to keep the girls from sitting on his lap or even near him. MY SON said HE FELT uncomfortable!  The mother's reaction was to join them on the sofa by sitting next to my son.  It was "family time" to her and her other daughter (a 14 y/o) who sat on the other side of my son and laid her head on his shoulder.   I told my son that his reaction was the right one and to speak up as well as keep standing up if this "family time" incident is about to happen again.  He said he would just hang out with the 16 y/o boy and/or the woman from now on and say No to "baby" sitting  the pre-teen and teenage daughters alone even if the mother is just in the next room! The girls wink at him & tell him they miss him.  The woman(the mother) says the same thing to him.  My son said he "feels nervous" when they do that and smiles or looks away to hide it.  Am I the only mother who thinks this whole scene is CREEPY?  What kind of mother would...Am I over reacting?

[luise.volta]

It sounds like a mess to me and a dangerous one. At the same time, your son has to step up to the plate and become an adult and think for himself. It's good that you are talking and being open and he's listening, though. He has put himself in a situation where he has to grow up fast.

[Pen]

Your son may end up in a very serious legal situation. May he extricate himself quickly and safely before he's accused of something awful. Creepy doesn't begin to describe this!

[Julia]

Hi Ree, my thoughts on this are....when I read the first half of your post I thought doesn't sound unusual, quite disturbing for a mother but sometimes these things happen with our adult children and we make the most of it.  When reading your post today it is a completely different kettle of fish.   Your son can't put himself in that position again ever.    You wouldn't know what this woman has up her sleeve  Is there anything in this relationship that is positive?     The 11 year old is probably unaware but the 14 year old is in danger territory and knows how to manipulate a situation.    This is so creepy it gave me goosebumps..That woman should not allow any man to be alone with her daughters that in itself say's a lot about the type person she is.

[cremebrulee]

This sounds a little creepy to me, and more then low life on the part of this mother and her daughters....your son needs to grow up and leave....pronto....this woman is to me, only looking for someone to take care of her....and by the way, if he leaves, are they going to cry rape?  If I were him, I'd get out of dodge right now, never looking back.  I would also suggest he go to counseling to find out why he deems this behavior acceptable....and why he would date a woman like this....?  Please understand, he may make the very same mistake again, if he doesn't.....
Did your son even bother to find out this woman's history before he got involved?  I mean, where is she from?  If she is from out of town I'd be a bit more then concerned....?  Does he know anyone else who knows her? 

Most of all, tell your son to follow his intuition...if he feels it's not right, then it probably isn't and he should leave.  I fear if he leaves this woman, she might cause trouble, it's the 3 of them against him and his word...they were there...and can claim anything.

[Orly]

Your son's internal radar is trying to slap some sense into him.  This behavior is beyond creepy...it is borderline insanity.  If your son is not living with this woman, he should be running as fast as he can back to college.  Keep talking about him finishing that before he gets into raising someone else's children.  Or as others have alluded to ....he is accused of being a sexual deviant.

[miss_priss]

Ree - I have to start by saying, I can understand how you would feel that this is a really messed up situation for your son.  You're defninitely fearful for him, and your posts imply that you want so badly to drag his little butt outta there and shake your finger at him and tell him to never do that again.

Your son is 24.  Not 4, not 14....24.  What does this mean for you, his mother?  It means you're finished raising him, and you're finished paddling his bottom for mistakes.  It means you're no longer responsible for him.  It means you have to let this go, because quite honestly, its none of your business.  I completely agree its twisted, (it's terribly twisted), and it has potential to get even worse.  I totally get it and agree with you there...but in the end it's still none of your business. 

And to reject her automatically based on hearsay, without even meeting her or wanting to...you have already shut the door and you don't even realize it yet.  Be honest with yourself...what CAN you do about this???  Can you really stop it?  Do you even have a right to?  What if your son does marry this woman?  What if he does have a child with her?  Are you going to refuse her then, without at least giving her a face-to-face shot?  How did you feel the last time someone did that to you? 

I think you owe your son that, you at least need to meet her.  He wants you to know her and approve of her, thus he's asked you twice to meet her, according to your posts.  You have predetermined notions of her and you have already formed an opinion of her and you haven't even met her.  That is sad, and it is dangerous territory my friend.  Also know that if you deny her, you are denying her children...even those potential future chilren that might belong to your son.  I know that's a scary thing to think about, but I can tell you as a DIL that anyone who can't treat me at least civil does not get access to my children and I'm sure you felt the same way when you were a young mother.  And chances are,too, that if you deny her, your son will eventually resent you for it (IF he chooses to move forward with that relationship), and then you may have to say goodbye to him too.  So put that on the back burner....it could happen.  And your actions today can determine the outcome of any future relations you have with her AND your son.  I would tread lightly.               

Creme offers some very sound advice....you can tell him to "trust his intuition."  It's neutral, its safe, it devoids you of any guilt.  He's an adult, and if you raised him right to the best of your ability, then you have to trust him to make the right decisions for himself, even if they are not the decisions YOU would make for him. 

That being said, I hope this works out.  It is a terribly twisted situation that could get worse for your son.  I hope it all works out, and I will pray for PEACE for you.   

[neecee]

You are abolutely correct.  I have an acquaintance who was accused of inappropriate behaviour by his step daughter, who was young adolescent.  Although the young woman recanted after she turned 18, it changed his life forever.
He is a professional who can never be licensed.
Young men can be easily manipulated sexually.  They are often novices in the art of romance and this situation can easily get the better of them.

[cremebrulee]

You are abolutely correct.  I have an acquaintance who was accused of inappropriate behaviour by his step daughter, who was young adolescent.  Although the young woman recanted after she turned 18, it changed his life forever.
He is a professional who can never be licensed.
Young men can be easily manipulated sexually.  They are often novices in the art of romance and this situation can easily get the better of them.

Ohhhh my, I cannot imagine what this man has been through....?  It can ruin a life forever....

[Sunny1]

 I'm 34 and my DH is 28, and I have a teenage son.

Our age difference and my child were two of the many things my MIL used to try to break up DH and I when we were dating.

I don't know his maturity level, but miss priss is right, he's an adult. Tell him your fears, (especially about the teen girls!) Then love him and stay involved, meet her and be respectful. The last thing you want to do is drive them away by being too pushy with your fears of her manipulation,  it will only fuel it more.

[Julia]

miss priss, I have to say your post was so full of really good stuff.   It is one of those posts that gives the reader plenty to think about.    I also agree meeting this woman can'dt do any harm.  It might  reinforce preconcieved opinions ree has of her son's girlfriend and ree is so right to be concerned but  maybe she is a very misguided girl with a tramatic past that she can't mentally escape from.   It is so unknown I know  b but but by being a strong person in all this you might be helping 2 young girls.   I must be in a soppy mood right now because I  go back and forth on this one.    If your son does choose to stay with her how can you give an opinion on someone you haven't met.  ree you might know more about this woman than you have mentioned in your post .    I sympathise with you and understand what you are saying.