Daughter is manipulative

[juju68]

 CDB...Thanks so much..I swear we must live the same life.I also have abandonment issues. My dad commited suicide when I was 14 an my mom died of cancer when I was 16 so since then I have been on my own.When I had my daughter I wanted her to grow up happy an never live the life I did I made many mistakes and I also never really told her no.I gave an gave an wanted her to be happy. I am sorry we have to go through this,but on the flip side there is something to learn in all this. I absolutely believe in you and am sending positive thoughts your way:)
 Creme... Hey thanks for the apology,however I do not think you need to apologize.I was not upset at your post, your a straight shooter an say it like it is ,and that is cool. I am like that as well in all avenues in life, except I can't seem to do that with my daughter..lol. I appreciate your honesty an thanks for the boundaries site I am going to read it. have a good day:)

[cdb]

Hugs to you ((((((((juju)))))))). I have tears in my eyes thinking of how it must have been to be so young, 14 and then 16 to lose your parents! And to lose them in such a painful way. How did you ever get beyond that? Or have you never totally grieved? I had a family that was there for me as they were in the 50s where dad worked and mom stayed home with the kids. I wanted for nothing, but didn't get whatever I wanted either. I felt very secure, except for the secret I kept about what happened to me at 7, but my brain blocked that out.  So, I cannot even begin to know how you must have dealt with the loss of your mom and dad. Gosh! My heart goes out to you. You are a Survivor Like I believe we all are here. Reaching out for help takes courage as well as sharing out intimate stories. I will share if it will help anyone. If you would like to talk about this privately, please message me here. I admire you for being so courageous to talk about this. cdb

[juju68]

Thanks for your reple....Honestly I do not think I have ever grieved I was always trying to survive. I think the deal with my daughter has brought up alot of painful issues.I do not know how my daughter can be so mean to me,and now she is back with the baby's dad so I am really excluded.I had oral surgery thurs..and my daughter has not even asked if I needed help or anything.She wouldn't even work for me ...I am still going to counseling but still really struggling..I feel like I am going to have a nervous breakdown.
CDB...I am still praying for you an your health an hope one day soon your daughter will realize how important you are:)

[barelythere]

Thanks for your reple....Honestly I do not think I have ever grieved I was always trying to survive. I think the deal with my daughter has brought up alot of painful issues.I do not know how my daughter can be so mean to me,and now she is back with the baby's dad so I am really excluded.I had oral surgery thurs..and my daughter has not even asked if I needed help or anything.She wouldn't even work for me ...I am still going to counseling but still really struggling..I feel like I am going to have a nervous breakdown.
CDB...I am still praying for you an your health an hope one day soon your daughter will realize how important you are:)

Breaks my heart.  Wish there was a magic pill somewhere.  :'(

[neecee]

You must walk away.  What is being modeled from the beginning to your granddaughter is abuse of her caring grandmother.  This is teaching the child cruelty at the fundamental level. You must not help your daughter to ingrain this behaviour into her child. Step away and the child wins a little something.

Additionally, you must also be exhausted!  I also cared for a GS right after birth for 3 months, as my daughter fell very ill (recovery took about 2 years).  I could not work, I could not think, and I could surely not fight.

The daughter will come around eventually, as she is in need.  And if she does not, the child will find you eventually.

I know what an impossible situation you are in.  We all seem to be in some variant of this dilemma.
I almost called my son a hundred times and if my husband had not stayed my hand, i would have done it.  His hand and this web site saved my life and restored my rest.  I truly pray the same will come to you.  It will take time.

Now, almost a year later, I thank heavens I did not call them and beg for mercy. I have self respect, some emotional distance to see their behaviour and lots of peace of mind.  Even though I still love them dearly, just being left out of the daily drama is a gift.

I recently went to see my 94 yr old MIL to ask her direction.  What a sweet soul.  I asked for her advice, since she has lived so much longer.  Her answer was to "walk away".  When I suggested counseling, she said, "no, that just gives this young woman and my GS more ammunition and they will use it against you".  They had already proven what they are made of.

I know that it broke her heart and mine to say such words.  I know she said it with objectivity and compassion for all of us.  And, I know it is good advice.

I trust her. She has seen it all and is a realist.  Wisdom does come with age.

God Bless.  Don't forget to send your daughter and gd white light of protection and peace now and forever.

[juju68]

Thanks again for all your replies..... I am still trying to deal with the whole situation. I actually had a big argument with my daughter an told her she will not treat me like this anymore and the next time I will walk away. I do not know if she will listen to what I said ,but I am not a piece of crap she can just walk all over!! I am continuing my counseling an taking it one day at a time. I do not like that she is back with the baby's father after all he has done,but I have just told myself it is not my issue an not my business.. It is so hard to let go of our children.
Ladies I hope you have a great day!!!! We all are going to make it through this:)

[luise.volta]

Viva la Juju! Sending love...

[cremebrulee]

juju, congratulations....

good for you.....

[cdb]

Still thinking of you too! It sounds like you are getting a backbone I am trying to get one too. With this situation with my mom, and my daughter saw how badly bruised she was etc. my daughter never called to ask how grandma was doing. Unbelievable! I am backing away. I believe it works since it has worked alot for people here. It is hard to not call etc. and I keep working on that. I need to take care or me and you need to take care of you! I hope your pain is better. cdb

[juju68]

Thanks cdb...
Actually things are not going so good very bad in fact..I am finding it hard to even get out of bed or take care of my dog. After me standing up for myself my daughter called an told me I will no longer be watching my grandaughter and maybe I csn visit sometimes,and that I have been a horrible mother an never been there for her an on an on... I fell like my heart is broke in a million pieces.I do not know how to get this pain to stop...O how I miss the grandbaby an o how I miss the daughter I wish I had...I cant take this pain

[cremebrulee]

Thanks cdb...
Actually things are not going so good very bad in fact..I am finding it hard to even get out of bed or take care of my dog. After me standing up for myself my daughter called an told me I will no longer be watching my grandaughter and maybe I csn visit sometimes,and that I have been a horrible mother an never been there for her an on an on... I fell like my heart is broke in a million pieces.I do not know how to get this pain to stop...O how I miss the grandbaby an o how I miss the daughter I wish I had...I cant take this pain

Juju
The pain is very bad....very bad...nothing can take it away but you...realize, your daughter is using that child to hurt you, and identify, who is right and who is wrong here...you did what you had to do....otherwise, she's going to continue to walk all over you, and please, don't let her know how badly she has hurt you....tough it out and be angry with her...very angry, what she is doing is heartless, let this anger give you more strength to do what you must...but don't knuckle under to her terms, if you do, you will have to put up with her for the rest of your life...and this is me, no matter how much you miss grand baby, don't go there for any visits.  She is acting like you are being abusive..when she is the one doing the abusing.....JuJu, you are the only one who can stop this, no one else....please try and stand your ground, no matter how long it takes....your the mother, not her....

Juju, come in here and write, write, write, when your feeling badly....let everyone know your feelings...we support you here, and what your doing is couragous and for everyones benefit....tough love is not easy....but you have to do this to retain your dignity and respect...for yourself is no one else....

No one said life was easy, it's not, and sometimes we've got to do things that go ourside our comfort zone....but please know, you did what is right....you called her bluff and I bet you surprised her, and that is why she is coming back at you.  Wait, there willl come a time when she needs you, and when she does, you tell her, you'll help her on one condition, that she stops threatening you with that child...and she stops talking to you like she does....

Don't give into her....dear sweet lady, know we're here for you if you need us...

hugs
Creme

[Pooh]

JuJu, I agree with Creme.  And it does hurt, it hurts bunches.  There is so many of us in here going thru the same thing and we can all sympathize with you.  You did the right thing and stood up for yourself.  It may not seem like it right now, while the pain is fresh, but you did.  Now you have to get out of that bed and do something for yourself.  Go buy a book you have been wanting, take a long walk, get your hair done...something just for you.

Please know that it gets better and that you will be a better person for it.  Sending big hugs!

[juju68]

Thanks everyone....I am just really struggling,but I am so very sick of my daughter an all her crap it is hurting more than I can say. I have been going to work and struggling with that ,but there important thing is I do it. I am not going to talk to her in fact when I got home tonite there was a message on my phone that I can come over an see the baby,but I called my g-pa and asked him to call her an tell her I am not feeling well and he said a few things to her about how wrong she is. I just could not deal with her tonite..O I wanted to run right over an see the baby,but I just couldn't do it. I have always ran an jumped as high as she tells me..screw her sorry ,but that's how I feel...I am gonna keep on living as hard as it is right now. I appreciate your responses an I will read them over an over...Have a great night an I pray all is going good for all of you...We gotta hold our heads high an keep on moving an smiling as hard as that may be:)

[barelythere]

Thanks everyone....I am just really struggling,but I am so very sick of my daughter an all her crap it is hurting more than I can say. I have been going to work and struggling with that ,but there important thing is I do it. I am not going to talk to her in fact when I got home tonite there was a message on my phone that I can come over an see the baby,but I called my g-pa and asked him to call her an tell her I am not feeling well and he said a few things to her about how wrong she is. I just could not deal with her tonite..O I wanted to run right over an see the baby,but I just couldn't do it. I have always ran an jumped as high as she tells me..screw her sorry ,but that's how I feel...I am gonna keep on living as hard as it is right now. I appreciate your responses an I will read them over an over...Have a great night an I pray all is going good for all of you...We gotta hold our heads high an keep on moving an smiling as hard as that may be:)

I admire you, Juju for being able to do this. It's hard and I know you'd like to run into her arms. So sad when you have to preserve yourself because someone will be the end of you if you don't. Keep strong.  Loving yourself is a lonely thing to do it seems to me but I'm sure it's self preservation and that's the key.

[luise.volta]

Good for you...self-love is the bottom line if you want to survive.