Daughter is manipulative

[luise.volta]

Creme is right on! Tough love is the way to go. Self-respect is the pay-off. Sending love...

[juju68]

Each an everyone of you is correct. I am so scared to say anything due to her taking the baby away. I am going to really think about all your replies an try an get the courage to do it. I also am going to continue counseling. I am at my boiling point trust me,when she comes to pick up the baby all I say is when the baby ate an things like that. I do not have anything to say to her.I don't even want to look at her. Is that bad to have such anger at your own child? I thank you all so very much.

[Julia]

. I do not have anything to say to her.I don't even want to look at her. Is that bad to have such anger at your own child? I thank you all so very much.

Absolutely no way is it bad but it is sad............  i have felt for years if I was married to my son I would have left him years ago.   How much can one person take.    The penny will drop with her one day that she needs to respect you first and foremost,  before you drop everything to look after the gc.  ...I am afraid though in that girls case it  may  to take a nuclear bomb.  She obviously needs professional counselling but you can only do so much to encourage her to do it. 
My thoughts are with you

[juju68]

I went to counseling again today. Thank goodness for the counselor she is helping me, an also she thinks that my daughter is narcissistic,I am not sure what that is but wow maybe. I wish I had the courage all you ladies have ,I do not like feeling this way nor do i like walking on eggshells. I hope everyone has a great day an again thanks so much for your time:)

[catchingup]

Babysitting 50 hours a week.SOS!!!  Can I send you some running shoes?

This site is making me scared. I dont have GC yet. Hope I am not going to go through all this when I do?

[Nana]

Catchingup

Dont get scare.  Not all dil or mil's are this way.  My mom and mil were great mil's.  And all my sil's and myself where very loving and caring dil's ourselves and were very close to in-laws so I never thought that I would someday have problems with dil. 

It might not happened to you.  But now by reading our post you will be able to avoid a lot of mistakes we have done.  Now you get to feel what mil's and dil's feel and how can both be hurt in such a life-changing way.

Life could be so beautiful and peaceful if we could all have empathy for those who are near us. 
I think this site is like a learning site.  lol.   

Hugs
Rosie


Just try to be

[luise.volta]

Yes, I agree with that wholeheartedly. Happy grandmothers don't usually post about how well things are going...they just enjoy. We get into problem solving and forget that we are the minority and for many, grand parenting is a very pleasurable and fulfilling experience. In the meantime, you can learn the pitfalls and hopefully by-pass them 

Mine  grand kids are long ago grown and my great-grands are in high school and college and we get along famously. Take heart!

[juju68]

I guess I am confused am I doing or saying something wrong? I don't understand the comment about being scared an the replies after them. I am sorry I posted this about the 50 hours. I choose to watch the baby and enjoy it so ....

[catchingup]

Well the thing is this. Any grandmother who is prepared to babysit 50 hours a week  must be crazy about her GC--(that is 10 hrs a day if one excludes week-ends- 6 days a week is is 8 hours a day)
Not for me. Or will I once I have Gc scary!!!

[Orly]

I guess I am confused am I doing or saying something wrong? I don't understand the comment about being scared an the replies after them. I am sorry I posted this about the 50 hours. I choose to watch the baby and enjoy it so ....

Don't be sorry about posting the hours you are babysitting.  That is a very important fact in your story.  Your daughter is telling you, you were a terrible mom...you did a bad job raising her...blah, blah, blah.  You did SUCH a bad job raising her, that she has NO PROBLEM leaving her baby in your care.  You are effectively raising your grandchild.  Your daughter's actions are speaking volumes louder than her verbal complaints.  Stop taking her verbal garbage to heart and open your eyes to what she is really telling you.  You don't need to share this observation with her, either.  In fact, I wouldn't.

Granted, you are going to have to treat your daughter lightly...it sounds like she is quick to take offense and likes to get pay back.  She may very well take your grandbaby out of your care down the road...and just as quickly bring her back when finding other accommodations slap her in the face.  Don't go into panic mode if this does happen....ride it out as calmly and as non-reactive as you can. 

[juju68]

Orly.......Thank you very much for your thoughts. I didnt think about it that way an your pionts are right on.Wow I am so glad to have read this today,I never thought of it like this.Thank you again and may you have a great day. I would hug you if I could..LOL

[cremebrulee]

juju
when my son, wife and gd moved back to the state that they had lived before, I was really missing my GD...it was a struggle and I only had her on weekends...Grand kids are a gift, as our children were, however, I'm wondering if you think of your GD as yours...your child?  I know a lot of Grandmothers who have watched and raised they're grandkids...and in this case...as in most, I think it's good...however, what happens if your daughter does retaliate and take the child from you, who is left empty and hurting...."You!"  I have to agree with Orly, you are going to have to prepare yourself...it isn't a quick process...it's very slow...but you need to listen to your counselor....and set boundaries...you have a life to you know, your entire purpose in life cannot be for the grandchild....I'm so glad your going to counseling...it will help you emensely...

Stay strong...and realize, like Orly said, if she takes the child away from you, she is doing it to hurt you, an awful thing to do...so, do not act out, if she does or cry in front of her, and if she does, make plans to get involved in other things right away...immediately to keep your mind, body and soul occupied....like a reading club...perhaps a group session for women who are going thru this...ask your counselor if he/she knows of any?

Your going to need a lot of support....so, don't brush off your friends, b/c you don't have time for them, and look forward to making new friends....everyone needs a family and friends network....

Your daughter may someday agree to go to counseling...but it's going to take time and her to fail maybe several times to do so...however, she might...hold onto that...and don't take what she says personal...she sounds very angry...

[juju68]

No I don't think of her as my child and really I don't want to watch her all the hours. I do have things to do an a life,but my daughter is so manipulative if I say no to her she will take the baby away and totally ignore me. I just don't know what to do. I love my granbaby and want to see her. I guess I just walk on eggshells or I can set boundaries an not see my grandchild,either way it's a mess.

[cdb]

juju,
Rome wasn't built in a day and I am also still walking on eggshells and taking babysteps. We can't expect us to change quickly. Especially is you are like me and have abandonment issues. I am glad you are keeping up on the counseling as I am too. Give yourself time to change little by little. My main goal is to develop a relationship with my granddaughter when I do have her. I love teaching her things, singing songs that she and I only do together, etc. That is my main goal when I do have her. A main part of my problem with my daughter is I wasn't as strict as I should have been years ago. That is when the boundaries do start. Alot is due to my own problems and the problems in my marriage. I also put her inbetween the arguments with her dad and me. Therefore, I did things for her to try and make up for that, thus creating the attitude she now has. I feel the more I work on my self esteem and myself, the more things can change with our babysteps of how we tell them, NO etc. So, be kind to yourself and work on you while slowly planning on babysitting less. I think it is great your counselor is helping you. I have seen mine since my daughter was in the 4th grade and she is now 26. I just love this site! But, I feel others need to understand that our individual lives are more complicated than we can even explain here or even to ourselves. I am going to keep moving forward and am not going to Should on Myself for past things. The past is the past and yes, I wish I would have taught her that when I say NO I mean NO. But, we must deal with what cards we have been dealt with now and just do the best that you can week by week. I believe in you and you help me believe in me! cdb

[cremebrulee]

I'm in total agreement with CDB, she said it best and very nicely....

things take time...however, if your able to view the whole of the problem, and your options it might help you gain the confidence you need to train your daughter, your not a door mat and you won't be used or threatened. 

She is manipulating you and your life....why?  Yanno, you both are two different people...two different set of rules...so, are you going to be afraid for the next 20 years, if you don't agree with her, she's going to keep your GC from you? 

I know it sounds easy for me to say...and I'm certainly not a counselor....we're just human beings who have been through a lot of pain and have learned from it....so, time somehow seems to be good to us....if we meet it halfway....you do have options, like you say, you can either take it or not...but if you don't you live with the possiblity of not seeing your GC for awhile...and that can be very very difficult...

I went thru that..I had my GC every weekend...both SAT and Sunday...and I choose to cut my kids off for I guess it was 2 years....this happened after they moved away...my son's work was what demanded them to move.  So, I didn't see her in all that time...and I still don't see her, still do not get quality time alone with her and haven't for many years now....yes, it's hard sometimes....especially when I hear how other grandmoms are close and get to watch they're grand kids....but in the same, I've also realized, that I love my down time, and it is what it is...can't change it, and I'm not wasting what time I have left of this life, being sad or miserable about it....those 12 years were long and painful...and I won't allow myself to ever depend on another human being for my own personal happiness....and I realize, we always want what we can't have...so, yes, it's hard sometimes...especially reading in here how other grandmas, get they're grand kids 1, 2 3 or more times a week....however...it isn't the end of my world....life goes on...and so must I...

So, please know, your in my thoughts and prayers, whatever you decide...your feelings are valid and you need to do what is best for you...

your happiness is what is important...and sometimes, we've got to give up something for happiness...but I bet, if you chose to give that GC up, your daughter would be back in time, and that would be your trump card...then YOU could set the rules and tell her right out..."if I take my GC back, under no circustances are you to ever threaten me again, that your going to take her away if I don't agree with you...or you me"....and if you do, then you leave for good, b/c I'm not going to be treated like this."  However, there is always the chance your Daughter may not come back...but, I really do believe she needs you...she just doesn't realize, how much....

Where would she take your GD if you wouldn't watch her?

Also I need to aplogize to you....I know I come across very cut and dry...I know and realize things take a long time...believe me, it took 12 years for my life to come together with my Son and DIL...I am far from perfect....made a heck of a lot of mistakes....and own a lot of hard times as my own choices, and will continue to make mistakes.....so please excuse me if you will, for coming across like a know it all, or someone who is saying, you've got to do this now...I don't mean it that way....it is a slow process...believe me, I do understand. 

What I was trying to explain, is, that for your own (for everyone of us mothers and grandmothers) it is to our personal benefit, and mental growth, that we do understand, we do deserve and need a life beyond our Grand daughter and our children.
We've got to have other avenues...interests, socializations....and it's perfectly normal to do so...we cannot depend on others for our happiness and since I don't know you, thought I'd suggest that as something to think about...not meaning you do or don't...just a suggestion...

So, sending my thoughts and prayers for you...regardess of your decissions..please know I care...all these women here do, and have many good thoughts for you to ponder.

Creme

P.S. juju, I found an awesome site which faith posted here and thought of you...maybe this will help you....

http://www.wisewomenunite.com/index.php/topic,809.new.html#new

the site is really awsome and very informative