miss_priss
THANK YOU CREME - You've hit so many nails right on the head. Again, I'm not a MIL but I am a DIL. I read posts on here and on other sites every day, where the MIL instantly blames the DIL for everything. It's so easy to do, to lay that blame on the "outsider" and speculate as to why she does what she does. Sometimes it is the DILs fault, sometimes DILs are just bad apples! But its not always their fault....just like it's not always the MILs fault either. But sometimes, just sometimes, the DIL is given a "dependent" that didn't quite get his umbilical cord all the way cut (or the "kid" who's still holding on to those apron strings)....for lack of better words. And it's SO important that children do that, not only for their future relationships, but for themselves!
Hi Miss Priss and good morning...thank you for commenting...I enjoyed reading you....your right, and sometimes it's both the MIL and DIL's fault. Something happens to us women when we are challenged badly....and we sometimes perceive things all wrong...we don't forget....and we build on every little thing, until we're older and realize, most of these things are so small next to the real issues in life...and yes...LOL you are young...you lucky dog. Just think what is in store for you and your child...they are gifts...precious and to be learned from as well as teach.
My own DH is totally one of those. He never learned to be self-sufficient, and was financially dependent on his parents, eventhough he had a college degree and a good career. They gave him money....
yes, my MIL did the same thing...she was so controlling...so invested in her children's lives...way to much...and she expected them to all consult with her....even though they were married...she went so far as to ask us what we were giving in money gifts to family members....she bought all my china and crystal without asking me what I liked...she crippled my husband and made him a monster for me...that is why I will never marry again...I never ever want to be a mother to another man...I wanted a companion...but I ended up having to do everything...he was really lazy...discusted me, b/c I'm a go getter.
The "string" was that he had to jump everytime she needed the slightest little thing, or she would through her "gifts" in his face to guilt him.
Yup, sadly it's true...but since you and I went thru this, one thing we have to remember, there are people out there who do give and give and expect nothing in return...my foster mom was like that...
To be honest, before we got married I ended our relationship because of it, I just simply was NOT going to let his mother have that control of MY life, she already had that control over his.
You were much smarter then me...I broke off the engagement 3 times...but married him anyway, b/c she guilted me..she said it was embarrassing that we were living together...I saw so many flage but ignored them...and after your married it only gets worse....
When he established his financial independence from her at age 29, she literally laughed at him. She belittled him right in front of his father and I, and he just shrank in her shadow. It was so painful to watch, and even harder to keep myself from knocking her lights out. But it wasn't my place, it was time for HIM to stand up to her. Although, when he did finally stand up to her, she blamed it ALL on me (of course!)...that I had "changed and controlled" her son and that I convinced him to leave that relationship. It was far easier for her to blame me for that than it was for her to take responsibility for her own actions. It was just the tip of the iceberg of the emotional blackmail and abuse he'd endured his whole life....but, his mommy bought him everything he ever wanted!
That is when he should have told her, no mom, it is not my wife...I grew up and you have to let go...I am not a child, I'm a grown man...it's my turn to live now and your job is over, and if you continue to talk like that about my wife, you will not see us.
I want you to know that I have been hoping someone would start this thread. I'm a young mother....well ok, I'm not terribly young (30's), but I just had my first child, she's just 6 months old. I've spent my adult life thus far focusing on my own education, military career, and now post-military career, and travel, and all the other things I wanted to do before I had children...I'm not gonna lie, I'm clueless about motherhood!
So was I clueless along with every other young mother. your not alone...
DH and I are totally winging it and learning as we go, and unfortunately we only have one side of grandparents for family support. There is so much wisdom here, that I want to learn so that I'll be a better mother (and MIL, someday!)
I felt like you did, so I read, read, read....and took from those reads what I agreed with and worked for me....and also remembered so many parents that I had an opportunity to spend time with. You see, my classmates parents must have felt sorry for me, b/c I had no father, in those days, being illegitimate was almost unheard of, and my mother was shunned, sad but true...that is probably what helped drive her over the edge. In case you haven't read, I have foster parents that raised me, thank God! So I had many influences to mold myself from...and believe me, children know at an early age, what is right and wrong.
So, I read in a book that by the time a child is 5 years old, they have developed who they are going to be for the rest of they're lives...therefore, it said, if you don't have control by then, you won't.
Right then and there I put my mind down to it, to start my baby young and give him as much advantage as possible so that he could have many opportunities. I was military strict from little on up...to make his bed before coming down for breakfast, to keep his room clean...he had a list of chores to do every day...which had to be done....and he got a job when he wanted to....and I taught him to save as much as he could....I was never in the military, however, I was strict.
I taught him he had to whisper when we were in public....to get up and give his seat to an old woman or lady. To ask if he could be excussed when we were done eating, and our meals was a time, when we all sat around the table and discussed things, to extend his hand when he was introduced to someone and say, "plesure to meet you".
He was not allowed to have what his classmates had in the way of clothes...I moved to an area that wasn't like a city...it was more like farms all around, smaller schools, so my son wouldn't grow up feeling like he had to wear what everyone else was wearing.
The area that we moved to, parents were more like I was raised, not giving they're children everything they wanted. Plus, drugs were not as available at that time. We went to church, I became a youth group advisor and Sunday School teacher....and my son was very involved. For me, I wasn't so seriously interested in the spiritual teachings as much as the socialization, him learning that people have different thoughts and feelings about the same subjects, and that's ok....to have a more diversity from the influence of all these people, plus....I allowed his grand parents (my inlaws) to have him from a new born...why? Well, hard as it was...I even then, wanted him to be used to people....and it was very hard in the beginning, but I kept telling myself, I was doing what was best for him and not me.
Now, He is very diverse and very well liked....no matter where he goes, if I have an opportunity to meet people who he is or was associted with, they speak very highly of him....he is a lot of things, that I am not....very laid back, low key....he sits and observes people, before coming to a decission, he is patient, ...he is not judgemental...he is so able to allow others and is able to see both sides of everyone's stories...he should have been a councelor...but I'm told he is an exceptional cop.
I can't take credit, as his father and I were seperated and divorced...so, he also had the influence of 2 familes instead of one, including grand parents, cousins, etc. One important thing...children must learn, there are different rules in different households.
He thanks me today over and over again for being strict with him....he was a joy to raise, easy...and we were close....I miss those days...however, he is now in a new time in his life...to experience marriage, and love, and being a parent...there is little time for me, but he does call me every weekend...even now, that he's working in another country.....every weekend he calls, without fail...so, I'm lucky...and also very blessed that my DIL and I finally figured it out....
If cell phones would have been big back then, he wouldn't have one...and when he got older, I'd surely teach him never to text in a movie theater and to walk away from people when he was talking on the phone. All this modern technology has helped society loose consideration for others and the privet space of others....it really angers me...I believe the world has forgotten about the word courtesy.
I have a young friend who feels like I feel...matter of fact, I totally admire her for her parenting....she came to my home for Christmas dinner...her little girl got nothing for Christmas this past year. Why? Because she lost 2 paris of glasses...lost 3 jackets and a lunch box....now I gotta tell you, I don't think I could have done that, but I admire her for sticking to her institution of parenting....her little girl also plays violin, takes language lessons...swimming lessons, and other activities...she wants her girl to have access to all opportunities...plus college. She is a good mother....in my book. And she is like me, she won't give her child everything every other kid has..she says she doesn't need a cell phone, computer, etc. She also says, if I did that, what would I have special to give her that she would value as giving everything to a child is so wrong...then she asks, what if her husband can't give her everything...she'd expect it and it would cause huge problems. She feels learning to do without is a very important life lesson, and I agree totally!
OMG, do you know a pet peave of mine...kids today, do not know which is the in door and which is the out door? Can you imagine? When I walk into a convenience Store, and kids are coming out, and I'm talking 16 and older, they take up both doors, instead of walking out the out door and allowing others to walk in, the in door? I don't get that? Such an easy courtesy and yet, forgotten, b/c parents didn't teach them. Or children running around a resturant free? My God that is a waitresses biggest nightmare....I think Luise will remember the old saying..."Children should be seen and not heard". LOL...I have to chuckle while watching Barney...when they say, use your inside voice....how many parents don't teach that today...or teach a child manners and how to sit still....?
Hugs
Creme
Miss Priss...thank you so much for sharing....there is no set way to be a parent. You do the best that you can and keep your fingers crossed....I think an easy way to earn is to listen to older folks and they're complaints about kids in public...that's what I did, and I had privy to many senior citizens...so it helped, and I asked them what they hated about changes in the world and what they liked.
