Enabling our Children

[cremebrulee]

LOL...nobody has all the answers...

I'm so glad you wrote this...I am, thank you...

and I'm really glad my son is married to my DIL...they are really good together...and for each other...it's nice to see them in love...they've grown, I've grown...and it's all good...and I no longer wish or expect my son, to be any different then he is...it's really nice to now smile and know...this is life, it's supposed to be this way...and I think now, we're all happy.


your a peach...
and thank you so much...

I make cremebrulee, come on over....LOL

thanks so much

[BellaTerra66]

What state do you live in?     I'll be there tonight.   

BTW, if you think that your DIL is fantastic -- but she's obsessed with how she looks and she teaches your GD to be the same, well, none of us are perfect.  Just be glad she's as good as she is.  Besides, she could have taught your GF NOT to take pride in her appearance.  That would have been much worse, ya think?

It's so nice to hear, once in a while, nice things about our sons/daughters and their spouses.  But I also realize that's not why we're here, and I really needed this board when I first found it.

[cremebrulee]

Thank you Bella for that reminder, and yes indeed there could be much worse things...really it's nothing to worry about, and it's honestly, none of my business....

and also, I'm still learning....one of the things I've got to do, and remember to do, is, it's they're household and to mind my own business....

thanks sincerely for the awareness of it all, and how of little importance it is....there are many other great things she will learn from her mother....her mother is so passionate and funny at times....she is much deeper then most, and she is aware more then most....there is much more inside that shines her beauty....at that is part of what my GD will inherit from her mother.....not to mention, she has taught good manners to my GD and she loves her husband, my son dearly...they were beaming while home....and she was great to me....really more then I had ever hoped for, and expected....

hugs
creme

[Barbie]

Well, I have a confession to make, our DIL doesn't know this, but one of the biggest problems that we have with her is that she doesn’t care about her appearance, therefore she dresses our GD in what looks like hand-me-down clothes and they’re wrinkled, her hair is a mess, etc. She’s our only GC so we want to go all out for her, I buy her the prettiest dresses I can find and shoes to match her outfits and we never see her wear anything that we buy for her. When our children were little we didn’t have much money but I always made sure they were clean, their hair brushed, etc., and they could care less about what they wore until they were in their 20’s. But yes, I’d love to see my GD look like a princess, I guess we have to wait for our DD to have children.

[miss_priss]

Guest1 - I'm glad your DIL doesn't know you hold that against her.  That's a pretty shallow thing to hold against someone, just because they don't dress they way you would like them to.  I'm guessing that's not all you hold against her.   

Maybe the things you buy GD don't fit her personality?  Just a thought.  Not every little girl is or wants to be a princess.  My own mother got kinda miffed at my sister, because she was buying frilly-fru-fru dresses for my niece and my sister wouldn't put them on her because my niece simply hated them.  She was a tomboy, still is.  I've yet to see her ever wear a dress...she's 4 now.  My own daughter is only 6 months old and she already haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaates dresses.  She tugs and pulls and cries...but I have a whole closet of them for her, that I and others bought for her.  I won't force her to wear them, she's a much happier baby in a onesie and some jeans.  Maybe that will change, but its ok if it doesn't.  And you might not get to dress your DD's children in what you want either.  I hope you are prepared for that.       

I'd say if you're offended she doesn't dress GD the way you want to see her dressed....stop buying the type of things she doesn't like to dress her in.    It's their kid.  Maybe you'll have more success with a cutesie pair of over-alls.     Anyway, just a thought.

[gracie62]

Hello... am new to this forum and have been reading all the enabling our children threads with great interest. Whils i definitely agree children are influenced by what we do for them , or indulge them with. I do however feel it has a lot to do with their personality. I have 4 sons who are all very different. My eldest and my youngest are both very easy going (much like myself) and the middle 2 are very demanding and fiery ( much like my husband ). I have treated them all the same , not all at the same time but throughout their teenage years ( they are 18 to 25 ) now they have all been indulge, spoiled etc in one way or another. My oldest and youngest sons did not run with their extra attention , gifts etc and feel they were entitled to everything and have the utmost respect for me even though i probably do more for them than i should. My second oldest never felt entitled to anything and insisted on doing everything for himself since he was 13. He was however very direspectful towards me until he matured at the age of24 and is much better now. My third son however has never appreciated anything that has been bought for him anytime or effort that has been given to him and treats me with the utmiost disrespect and disregard and entitlement shoud be his middle name. So to get to the point i do bellieve personality has as much influence as the way they are brought up. Just my opinion , hope it gives some insight.

[cremebrulee]

Hi Guest 1
thanks for your input....my real mother raised me single...she struggled to clothes me well....as a kid growing up, she always made me wear dresses, and since she worked in retail clothes...I had the best.  Even my friend who was a doctor's daughter said to me once, you have nicer clothes then I do.  With my mother, it was always about an outer apprearance...once I counted the clothes in my closest...I had enough changes for 3 weeks, including Sat. and Sun and wouldn't have to wear the same thing twice.  So, to this day, I dress shabby and purchase clothes at consignment stores for work...but even my work clothes are not the best...and I just thought that perhaps that is what I was thinking about when I see my GD all dressed up...my mother over dressed me, she made me a target...kids disliked me cuz I had nice clothes....it hurt, and they mocked me, it embarrassed me....and now, in just writing this to you...made me realize why it cuts when I see my GD dressed to the hilt...to this very day in my life, and I'm 61 years old....I hate fashion and the idea of dressing...and make that statement at work....you have these women who look you up and down...I'm not the only one who says that...but when they pass you in the hall, they look at you right down to your shoes...so, I now wear crocks to really blow they're minds....LOL

I guess what I'm saying is, I do understand how you feel, and why.....and just trying to tell you my part in this....I remember carrying different things to school in my purse, and then changing when I got there....my mother didn't know how to show love, she never came to any of my school activities...didn't even come to my graduation...she had to work, b/c she was slave to the bills she accumulated buying the best clothes she could get her hands on....so, you can see why I feel the way I do and it doesn't say your wrong and I'm right.
 Your GD may some day very much appreciate those clothes....especially when she is older?

Gracie 62 welcome and thanks for your input....

You make a lot of sense....I only had one child, and wish I could have had more....so I don't have other children to compare with, however, I've many times heard other parents say what you have just written here....even a boss once asked me, "how can you raise four kids the very same way, and one turns out to be nothing but trouble and heartache?" 

[Barbie]

To miss priss, I just read your post and I appreciate your response.  I wasn’t born in America therefore sometimes I’m not very good at expressing myself.  I made this comment because Creme said she doesn’t particularly agree with the way her DIL dresses her GD and I am just the opposite, I wish I could see my GD nicely dressed. I could care less what my DIL wears, I don’t hold that against her, if that was "the" problem I wouldn’t be here seeking answers. There are some really serious issues not so much with DIL but with her family who also happen to be my GD’s family and it worries us (not so much anymore though) that our GD is being exposed to this kind of behavior often. It’s been a long road for us and we’re not angry or resentful anymore, we’ve taken a step back and let everything work itself out or not. We’re at the point where we feel we’ve done all that we could for our DS and if this is what he wants, he has our blessing. Once in a while I miss my old son but we’ve gone on with our lives.
Thanks for your input.

[luise.volta]

'It’s been a long road for us and we’re not angry or resentful anymore, we’ve taken a step back and let everything work itself out or not.'

What a beautiful statement. Sending love...

[barelythere]

'It’s been a long road for us and we’re not angry or resentful anymore, we’ve taken a step back and let everything work itself out or not.'

What a beautiful statement. Sending love...

It is a beautiful, beautiful statement but it is a LONG ROAD.  We can make it if we have friends who love us.  Remember the movie at Christmas, It's a Wonderful Life, "you're rich if you have friends" (can't remember it verbatim)