MIL/DIL Problems, why do you think they happen?

[Julia]

Oh, but I am a brunette and a knockout. LOL

[luise.volta]

I think feeling secure and together comes sooner to some of us than it does to others for a variety of reasons. My guess is that we are all aiming at wholeness...which probably is defined differently by each of us.

[cremebrulee]

Julia   I wish I could "get over myself you know"  What is MY problem?

You could probably answer that more then anyone...why don't we explore this question?  Julia, all of us have or are insecure about one thing or another, but as in everything else, there are different levels of insecurity.  I myself, used to be extremely insecure, however, sure hope I'm doing better.

Your value has to come from within, however, first you must take a look at how we grew up...where one or both of your parents insecure?  Where one or both of your parents, negative?  Looked for the negative in everything and when you wanted to share something paramount with them, they brought your happiness down, by being negative about it.

Take for instance, you've decided to go on a vacation, fly to an island...however, your mother and friends who are very small town folks, and never took a vacation in they're lives, say..."aren't you araid?" or "I would be afraid to go on a vacation by myself"  or "What about the money".  We as social beings look to others for approval, whether we know it or not, we do...we want people to be happy with us and for us...however, when we share good news with people...or if something really good happens to us, and we share, people right away reply something negative.  Why, not always b/c they're jealous, but b/c they don't know how to be happy...they're whole life has been built on disappointments and they never realized all the opportunities available to them, so b/c they don't do it, why should you? 

My mother (real mother) is a very negative person...she will complain about anyone who is experiencing a good life...she is hugely insecure...she hates to hear someone is happy...and I mean that...she feeds off of negativity and being down...and I do believe if your constantly negative, negative things will happen to you....not you, but people in general.

So lets start trying to find out why your insecure Julia...
would you mind?  or would it embarrasse you to talk about it?
It's ok if you don't want to...

Here are some questions you should ask yourself...

1.  When you decide to do something different, like go on a vacation...do you try to look for reasons why you shouldn't...or when you want to go  somewhere, same thing, do you try to look for reasons why you shouldn't go? 

2.  Take a look at your parents, did one of them constantly talk you down, maybe tried to keep you from excelling...if you got B's in school, did they demand A's.  Did they look at the negative all the time? 

3.  Does fear set in when you get out of your comfort zone?

4.  Are you able to go places on your own?  By yourself?  and if not, why?

5.  Are you able to make decissions and stick to them, or do you need advice from others before you do so?

I grew up in a very small town...small town people, small town concepts...girls didn't go to school or travel, they got married and had children right away....what those people didn't realize is, is that education and travel are life experiences which prepare children for life, for social skills, and for confidence.  Life itself is an education...however, college is good...any amount of education anyone can get, is good...it helps the individual realize, there is much more to life then they're own worlds....in other words, we all live in our protective plastic bubbles, away from the rest of the world...many of us, have no idea what is really going on out there...unless we get out there and experience, listen, read, study the news...which is not always acurate...and get involved in social activities.

Confidence is something someone has to believe within themselves...

Are you valuable? If you are, how do you know? If you don't think you are, how do you know? Where does value come from? Feeling loved and valued starts the same place for all of us at home with our parents. Unfortunately, some parents don't do a really great job in communicating 'unconditional' value to their kids. I stress unconditional because some people grew up in homes where they felt valued only when they performed well. 

I vowed, I was never ever going to be like my real mother...she had no social skills what so ever...and she is very embarrassing when people get together and talk...she doesn't know how to communicate, other then talk about herself...and she gets very graffic and personal....she was never taught there are some things you just don't discuss over and over with others....

I traveled and got used to going places by myself...finding out while growing up, that if you wait for others to go with you, they at the last minute, decline, so I got real tired of being disappointed and not going b/c someone else didn't want to go and/or spend the money. 

Go out to eat by yourself, or to a movie....by yourself...make yourself....it's really marvelous getting to know the you, of you...actually exciting.

You are your own best friend....don't depend on others to take the lead...learn just what a special person you are...through self examination...we are all unique you know, each and every one of us...we all have a signficant purpose in the bigger picture of it all.

[elsieshaye]

Great, great thread.  Lots to think about.  Reading this forum has been so helpful for me in terms of detaching from my teen son in a loving way, and figuring out  how to navigate providing him with what he needs from me, but not providing him anything he doesn't, if that makes sense.  He's been very helpful in that regard as well, because he started telling me a couple of years ago that the minute he turned 18, he was gone.  Initially, that scared me, and now  I'm actually looking forward to  it, and will actually have to regroup a little if it turns out that he doesn't leave on time, lol.  The downside is that I am finding myself in a "my life will begin again when he leaves" mentality, which isn't fair to him.  My life needs to begin now, and I have been working on that since becoming aware that I was holding my breath a little.  It's interesting to me that I've never thought of my son's future wife as being a daughter to me, which of course means I'll probably end up with a DIL who wants me to be her 2nd mom (instead of the kind of DIL I was, who pretty much wanted to be left in peace except for rare social events, and was glad we lived away from family - I was blessed with ILs who felt the same way, and weren't at all intrusive).  Again, lots to think about.

[cremebrulee]

elsieshaye
Great, great thread.  Lots to think about.  Reading this forum has been so helpful for me in terms of detaching from my teen son in a loving way

Hi elsieshaye...thanks for sharing your thoughts...I loved this first part...where you say, detaching in a loving way...yes indeed...if we love, we allow, that is part of being a mother, and a very necessary part.  We must let go, we must teach them how to go live life and we must allow them mistake, regardless...it is a very necessary part of they're need.  And when you love someone, you let them go....

and figuring out  how to navigate providing him with what he needs from me, but not providing him anything he doesn't, if that makes sense.

 

it sure does...giving to someone, isn't necessarily in any material way...but figuring out, a happy medium...remembering, we humans tend to want more, the more we get.

He's been very helpful in that regard as well, because he started telling me a couple of years ago that the minute he turned 18, he was gone.  Initially, that scared me, and now  I'm actually looking forward to  it, and will actually have to regroup a little if it turns out that he doesn't leave on time, lol.

 

I believe that is a very healthy way to look at it...you've raised your son, given up your life for him....actually...for a while...and some women/mother's actually do not have a clue how to proceed...they've made they're children they're entire purpose in life...therefore, when a child leaves or married...they are lost...it's called co-dependency...however, the interesting part is, your life is beginning again...and all those things you put on hold, you can now accomplish..how excting!!!!

The downside is that I am finding myself in a "my life will begin again when he leaves" mentality, which isn't fair to him.

I think it's not only normal but quite fair...your preparing yourself...and you should also be preparing him...doesn't mean you love him any less...just means, it's his turn to live his life...

It's interesting to me that I've never thought of my son's future wife as being a daughter to me, which of course means I'll probably end up with a DIL who wants me to be her 2nd mom

I don't know, after reading a lot of DIL's that its healthy to think of her as a daughter...because of how I saw things, and lost 3 children...I couldn't view it any other way at the time...I thought or simply assumed that I was supposed to love her like a daughter, however, a lot of DIL's are offended by that....
and maybe you won't.  Maybe you'll get a DIL just like you...My DIL of course are very different in a lot of ways, however, we do have a lot of similarites...and they say, son's pick wives who remind them of they're mothers?

(instead of the kind of DIL I was, who pretty much wanted to be left in peace except for rare social events, and was glad we lived away from family - I was blessed with ILs who felt the same way, and weren't at all intrusive).  Again, lots to think about.

you never know what tomorrow brings...you may be pleasingly surprised...I hope so...
hugs
Creme

[Julia]

Creme,
thankyou for replying.  You have hit the nail fair on the head.  I will however come back as I really wan't to answer the questions you have and are no way personal.  I was going to start a new thread on this subject at some stage, maybe it is a good way to kick it of.

[Julia]

Creme, do you think you could move your reply to my post to Grab Bag or other??    I need to quote you so I can answer your questions, without imposing on the current thread.  (I tried but couldn't)
thanks so much

[luise.volta]

I have the capability to split the topic but just copying and pasting worked better. Look under Grab Bag.

[Julia]

Thanks Luise,

[pam1]

I think another problem with MIL/DIL (in cases where I've observed there is a problem) is that most of the time, it is the DIL doing a lot of the heavy lifting for her husbands side of the family and well, the husband doesn't do so much for his wife's side. 

In my situation as a DIL, I do most of it.  I shop for the gifts, I organize the get togethers, I keep on top of our schedule and I'm generally the one that reorganizes our schedule for our families.  I also talk to my husbands family and keep the traditions going that they like etc.  My husband doesn't do that with my family and he doesn't talk to them as much.  So of course when he does talk to them, they are free to talk about whatever pleasant topic they like.  I, on the other hand, deal with my family like I do with his side of the family.  The difference is that I know my family very well and we can talk to each other without some kind of hidden motive.  If I say no to them, they understand the reason and don't have a reason to speculate that I'm doing it out of spite.  My husbands family doesn't know me as well and they speculate.

I think also some MIL's and husbands may not see the work it is for the wife.  It's not always a joy, it can be a job.  DIL is often put in a position of damned if you do or don't.  She didn't live with his family, she doesn't know their native ways of speaking to each other and the little nuances of body languages and such.  She's often just thrown in without a paddle and told to make it work.  And often blamed.

[luise.volta]

I think that happens more often than any of us realize. And then the opposite occurs, and the MIL "totes that barge and lifts that bail." Any time one person serves all, it's way out of balance. Sending love...

[Pen]

I think another problem with MIL/DIL (in cases where I've observed there is a problem) is that most of the time, it is the DIL doing a lot of the heavy lifting for her husbands side of the family and well, the husband doesn't do so much for his wife's side. 

In my situation as a DIL, I do most of it.  I shop for the gifts, I organize the get togethers, I keep on top of our schedule and I'm generally the one that reorganizes our schedule for our families.  I also talk to my husbands family and keep the traditions going that they like etc.  My husband doesn't do that with my family and he doesn't talk to them as much.  So of course when he does talk to them, they are free to talk about whatever pleasant topic they like.  I, on the other hand, deal with my family like I do with his side of the family.  The difference is that I know my family very well and we can talk to each other without some kind of hidden motive.  If I say no to them, they understand the reason and don't have a reason to speculate that I'm doing it out of spite.  My husbands family doesn't know me as well and they speculate.

I think also some MIL's and husbands may not see the work it is for the wife.  It's not always a joy, it can be a job.  DIL is often put in a position of damned if you do or don't.  She didn't live with his family, she doesn't know their native ways of speaking to each other and the little nuances of body languages and such.  She's often just thrown in without a paddle and told to make it work.  And often blamed.

You've brought up some good points, Pam1. As a DIL and a MIL, I understand what you're saying. You seem like you're doing all you can to let your ILs know you're part of the family. My DH needs a lot of nudging from me to contact his family, and I'm the one who does all the social arrangements, gifts, cards, etc. too. I don't know or care if my ILs think I'm the cause or the solution.

However, our DS has totally signed on with DIL's family and we get the leftovers if anything. Go figure. I, too, feel "thrown in without a paddle." For many of the MILs here, it was quite a shock to find out that suddenly we were cut out completely and without warning. DIL's FOO gets everything! It really hurt at first, especially when we were told that she just didn't like us and never wanted to be around us. Yikes. Movin' on now, feeling better (still miss DS heaps, but that's how it is.)

[pam1]

Pen,

You sound like you feel a lot like my FOO does.  They don't necessarily feel cut off and DH has never said they don't like them.  However, they do feel left out and an afterthought b/c MIL takes up so much of our time, energy and resources...they do often get the scraps. 

My FOO and I are not as outwardly as close as my DH's.  But we also just relate to each other in a different way, we don't need to see each other as much as DH's family does and we don't need tokens to be shown love.  Something MIL almost demands to have.

My parents have acted very graciously for the most part but every once in a while they say something.  The worst was when they told me that DH and I needed to move since we were being swallowed by his family.  I understand their point of view and that's why DH and I are taking the steps we are to start incorporating them more, our problem is now MIL thinks she rules us all. 

It's difficult for both DH and I.  I'm sure your son sees it too, it's just difficult for him to navigate now.  I wasn't given a marriage manual and I'm assuming he didn't either lol. 

[Pen]

Thanks, Pam1. I really feel for you and your family. We've not wanted to say anything to DS about being consumed by his ILs; he finally started to see it and has stood up for himself and for us as well (yay!) It's still far from fair, but we're grateful for what we have. I'm not sure I care to be included in DIL's FOO's activities, but I'd love more time with DS (DIL doesn't like us, otherwise I'd say I'd love more time with her, too.)

You are really trying to work it out to everyone's benefit. Your MIL is very lucky to have you for a DIL, even if she doesn't realize it!