Advice needed - Future daughter-in-law is allowing contact only via her

[Keys Girl]

It's so nice to have some folks "on my side"...... I have decided that my dues are paid and since I know know my DIL's "true colors", I won't underestimate her a bit.  She's dishonest, cunning, and I've seen her treat some of her own family members in a way that is shocking.  She would love to do the same for me and will only be happy if she can make me "suffer".  She's a piece of work, and I truly believe that my son would like to call off the wedding but doesn't know how.  She's such a controlling little brat, he would have to leave her at the altar, and move to Siberia under the witness protection program.  I'm thinking of painting the bottom of his shoes with the words "Help Me" for his wedding day.

My son threw a surprise party for her some time ago, she refused to go because she was too "tired".......when he told her there were people waiting at this party, she still refused to go.  He gave her a beautiful gift and she wouldn't open it up, and of course it was all "his fault".  Her parents have created a monster, her father once said to me "She's spoiled, but she'll learn"......Really?? Undo a lifetime of Princess training at the hands of you and your wife? Will OJ learn how to crochet? Will Mel Gibson take up needlepoint? I think not.  Daddy may expect the rest of the world to "learn" his Princess some humility, but I'm not doing his job.  He blew it and it's too late now.  She has an expression "Daddy's gonna do....." my "Son's gonna do"........as for me "FMIL's gonna do".......oops, the batteries won't work on the last one. 

I have decided that I will only allow them to keep in touch with me via email.  I will respond when I have the time......I'm very busy you know, and weeks will go by before I respond to her note.....I'm getting on with my life and spending it with people who don't look forward to pounding me into submission and email does have a way of piling up, kinda like laundry. Doncha know.

I have changed my will and left what little bit there might be to charity.  I have changed my contact data so when I die, my son and the cupcake will not be the first to rummage though my few precious possessions and ignore the terms of my will so that my little bits of jewelry will not go to the people I love but will probably be flushed down the toilet by the Princess.

I would never, ever, ever tell either one of them if I was sick or had any problems, she would take advantage of any type of weakness or illness to start "running the show"......last year her elderly grandmother was ill and she was very much against giving her grandmother any pain medication that she was asking for, despite the fact that she had been hospitalized for months........."she doesn't really need it" she said. 

"She who must be obeyed?" only by those who CHOOSE to.  I don't.......it's gonna be a tough fight because she'll try every trick in the book to get me under her thumb, including taking out her frustration on my son.  I warned him, and I suspect he is realizing that I was right, but it's always a pain when your Mother is right.

I have made the mistake earlier in my life and underestimated how far and wide and dirty the fight would get with other bullies.  I won't do it this time.   I don't expect to speak to either of them anytime soon.  If I get an invitation I expect I'll go to the wedding, but I also expect that will be the last time I will see either one of them for a long time.  Bullies are bullies, underneath it they are jealous, insecure but very threatened.  I'm not in the behavior modification department anymore, I'm going to enjoy my life and get on with it and make the best of it.  If they aren't it in, it's because they don't deserve to be in it.  Very sad, but I'm not going to wrestle with this little Grizzly Bear, she can prowl the forest for another target.  This is blackmail, emotional blackmail and emotional abuse and having read many of the posts of so many women on this forum as well giving my friends a shoulder to cry on, I will do everything I can to avoid spending any more time depressed and despairing over this DIL from hell.  That's what she would like anyway.

Perhaps the DIL and I will come to a truce, some years from now, I'm guessing it will be during the first few weeks after the birth of their child when they will both be totally sleep deprived, get a taste of what parenting is like and they are looking for some free baby sitting......well, Grandma will have to check her "busy" schedule..........and see if she can fit them in and reply to the email a little earlier than usual.

It's much easier to write about this on the printed page than it is to follow through, but it's like giving in to a 4 year old throwing a tantrum in the grocery store.  I taught my son when he was little that if he threw tantrums, he would be outside the store in 30-60 seconds.  He learned quick that tantrums got him nothing.

The one overriding law of human nature is: You always want what you can't have.  Sometimes you have to walk away, confident that you can survive no matter what the outcome and then sometimes some people realize they took you for granted.  It doesn't always happen but you won't know if you don't try.

Katharine Hepburn, Auntie Mame, maybe, perhaps a dash of Nancy Sinatra as well........"These boots are made for walking and that's just what I'll do"......

[elsieshaye]

Print out what you wrote here, KG, or forward it to yourself, and read it when you feel "weak."  Yes, it's not as easy to implement as to write, but you can't fix this for your son, and "taking one for the team" doesn't help anybody.  Least of all you. 

[barelythere]

GRRRRRR!!!  Get em Keys Girl!  Cupcake, I love it. You are hilarious and should consider writing.

[Nana]

I also liked the "cupcake"title.....lol......
Good luck!   

I felt it was me writing this post a couple of years ago.
It worked for me...

Rosie

[neecee]

Dear Ladies, I just love reading all these marvelous postings and the spunk in your voices.  The healing in my soul has really been profound.  I owe an enormous debt.  The repetitive voice in my head has quieted and I have slept for the last two nights. I never imagined this could happen...it is sort of like being in a sorority of powerful wise women.  I truly love the way each has added something.
Each time I log on, I read something that jars a painful memory.  I realize that it was not a quick event that caused this wound, but an "almost death" by a thousand cuts.
It is good to laugh about the silliness of being drawn into such absurd conversations.
 
I recall the jarring moment when I realized I had been bantering and fussing with someone who sounded like a 12 year old.  My daughter is in her 30's and we hadn't been so silly since she was a pre teen and I was the mother of a pre-teen. Those were not our best years and she is now one of my dearest friends.

Anyway, there was that moment when I recognized that this was a huge frustration for me.  I couldn't really grasp the idea of what the DIL was saying to me...it was so out of the realm of my reality.   I could have taken the childishness, but not the high stakes demanded now.

[catchingup]

Keys girl
Yes!! definately a writer.You express yourself magnificiently.

Dont put it in writing but your aught to practise some of those words over and over until you can tell her automatically what a brat she is.
If your son does decide to "Not turn up" at the alter dont forget to tell her anyway. At least you will have it off your chest.
Goodness me maybe you should write a letter to your local magazine without it revealing who it is and read it to her and your son in passing and tell them what a brat this person sounds like.

Goodness I am giving you such bad advise!!!!!!!!!!!

[Keys Girl]

No, I don't need to tell her anything.......she knows.....my son would have told her last year after I read him the "riot act".  That's why she's so mad.....she knows and I suspect that underneath that hostility is a certain mix of envy and jealousy and anger because I won't give her my "goodhousekeeping seal of approval" before she marries my son.  My son isn't getting any medals from me either these days, so they are in it together, a united front of resentment and "so there".....well the peace and quiet department is open again at my house......"so there".  Writing to a magazine, etc. is bad behaviour on my part, I would rather post here and try to help people instead of looking for sympathy.  That stuff always comes back to bite you.

Every once in a while I feel sorry for her, she is so controlling, and tiresome because she's really looking for attention and approval, but that's not going to get me feeling sorry for her......she'll do with bad attention rather than good attention or no attention.

Putting me in the "dog house" is a nasty thing to do....but considering that the "dog house" might have a lock on the inside and I could stay inside as long as I want, they could find themselves in the "be careful what you wish for category".  My wish is to carry on with my life and enjoy it as much as possible.  I don't owe anyone anything, I owe myself the best possible years for however many I have left.

I have altered my plans for the wedding.  Instead of showing up with some big, ugly dude, I will show up with a much younger, handsome man.  Another friend of mine has the whole "duty wedding" and that's what she's doing.  I'll do that too.

[barelythere]

How do you stay so strong, KeysGirl?  I am sometimes strong but all at once, I'm down for the count.  Do you always stay this strong?  Is it in your DNA?

[Keys Girl]

I have learned the hard way that if you don't stand up for yourself just about everyone else will step all over you.  They will see you as a sucker, have no respect for you and treat you like a door mat that they can wipe their shoes on.  They do however respect strength, if they can't kick you around, they will eventually come to respect you, and want you to like them (this last part can take a decade or two).  I learned a long time ago that I wanted people to LIKE me, but they didn't always respect me.  It's better if you start with RESPECT and then move on to LIKE.

If they do come around eventually and treat you with courtesy and respect then I'm all for giving that back to them, but for a fairly short period of time in my marriage my ex tried to have me become "Mrs. Mouse".......it didn't work, I walked away from him with a 4 year old, no job, no money, no education, no family close by and after 26 years of clawing my way out of that pit with an incredible amount of hard work, determination, some wonderful friends who were loyal and supportive and a refusal to compromise my dignity and standards of integrity, I find myself here.  The cupcake ain't no competition compared to where I've been.

I defy anyone, including my son, to try to bring me back to "Mrs. Mouse".........ain't gonna happen.........hell will freeze over before Mrs. Mouse reappears, but perhaps in time, DIL will come to understand this and my son will go back to respecting me and treating me with the dignity I deserve.  Up until recently he couldn't do enough for me, and maybe the day will come when I will give him the opportunity to treat me well again.  He will have to EARN that opportunity.

Keys Girl's Rules
1. Never, ever, ever reward bad behavior from ANYONE including CHILDREN......adult or otherwise.
2. Always be able to stand on your own two feet, financially (I live very happily on Salvation Army store clothing and a budget that most people have for cat food)
3. Never forget #1 & #2

It's your life, your happiness, if you don't find the strength to make it happen, nobody else will, but they will kick your butt while you sit around looking for strength because they can and will have a buncha fun while they do it.  Give them another target.  Let them know that if they mess with you there will be consequences, big ones, and that includes "BA-BYE".........it's not a threat, it's a standard of behaviour that you won't accept because you deserve better.

Here's a little tip........fake it till you make it if you aren't feeling strong.......and don't tell a soul.  They will never know.

[Julia]

I feel stronger every minute, thankyou so much

[barelythere]

I have learned the hard way that if you don't stand up for yourself just about everyone else will step all over you.  They will see you as a sucker, have no respect for you and treat you like a door mat that they can wipe their shoes on.  They do however respect strength, if they can't kick you around, they will eventually come to respect you, and want you to like them (this last part can take a decade or two).  I learned a long time ago that I wanted people to LIKE me, but they didn't always respect me.  It's better if you start with RESPECT and then move on to LIKE.

If they do come around eventually and treat you with courtesy and respect then I'm all for giving that back to them, but for a fairly short period of time in my marriage my ex tried to have me become "Mrs. Mouse".......it didn't work, I walked away from him with a 4 year old, no job, no money, no education, no family close by and after 26 years of clawing my way out of that pit with an incredible amount of hard work, determination, some wonderful friends who were loyal and supportive and a refusal to compromise my dignity and standards of integrity, I find myself here.  The cupcake ain't no competition compared to where I've been.

I defy anyone, including my son, to try to bring me back to "Mrs. Mouse".........ain't gonna happen.........hell will freeze over before Mrs. Mouse reappears, but perhaps in time, DIL will come to understand this and my son will go back to respecting me and treating me with the dignity I deserve.  Up until recently he couldn't do enough for me, and maybe the day will come when I will give him the opportunity to treat me well again.  He will have to EARN that opportunity.

Keys Girl's Rules
1. Never, ever, ever reward bad behavior from ANYONE including CHILDREN......adult or otherwise.
2. Always be able to stand on your own two feet, financially (I live very happily on Salvation Army store clothing and a budget that most people have for cat food)
3. Never forget #1 & #2

It's your life, your happiness, if you don't find the strength to make it happen, nobody else will, but they will kick your butt while you sit around looking for strength because they can and will have a buncha fun while they do it.  Give them another target.  Let them know that if they mess with you there will be consequences, big ones, and that includes "BA-BYE".........it's not a threat, it's a standard of behaviour that you won't accept because you deserve better.

Here's a little tip........fake it till you make it if you aren't feeling strong.......and don't tell a soul.  They will never know.

Okay, I'm going to print this out.  Thank you for writing it.  Right now, my DH is in the hospital and my son and DIL went right off to another city without checking on him, not even a call after the surgery.  In my book that is unforgivable but that's all the family we have.  How can I let my son know that we won't put up with that?  Forget DIL, she doesn't care.  My son used to care so much. He is a stone now. 

[luise.volta]

I love the idea of your showing up at the wedding with a hunk, dude, fox, hottie  or whatever the current term is. We all know what you mean!    And we can all picture it!    Way to go!!! 

[Julia]

That is dreadful behaviour, as you said "unforgivable" and your ds has made himself very unlovable by his lack of concern for his df.   I have not had that experience but if i had I would not call ds at all and wait until his phone call to you.  I really feel for you... words can't describe his lack of compassion and what it says's about him as a ds.   I do have a sister in law who had the same attitude, my brother took over the running of the family farm and he and his wife moved into the homestead.  Mum and dad retired into town.   My father would go out to the farm to help most days and my sil wouldn't even let my father into "her" house for lunch or rests instead mum packed dd lunch and he ate it outside.    arrrggg.   His health isn't the best and she shows nothing absolutely nothing and even though she talks to mum doesn't even acknowledge he isn't well as for sil offerring  to help dm and dd come on that is asking just a bit to much.  Oh boy.   At this worrying time dh needs you for the time being forget about ds and dil, they don't deserve your thoughts.

[Julia]

if ds does phone you and doesn't have an outragesly true eason why he didn't ring befor I would say politely dad is recovering thankyou and don't go into any detail with him I must go now goodbye and hang up the phone.

[barelythere]

That is dreadful behaviour, as you said "unforgivable" and your ds has made himself very unlovable by his lack of concern for his df.   I have not had that experience but if i had I would not call ds at all and wait until his phone call to you.  I really feel for you... words can't describe his lack of compassion and what it says's about him as a ds.   I do have a sister in law who had the same attitude, my brother took over the running of the family farm and he and his wife moved into the homestead.  Mum and dad retired into town.   My father would go out to the farm to help most days and my sil wouldn't even let my father into "her" house for lunch or rests instead mum packed dd lunch and he ate it outside.    arrrggg.   His health isn't the best and she shows nothing absolutely nothing and even though she talks to mum doesn't even acknowledge he isn't well as for sil offerring  to help dm and dd come on that is asking just a bit to much.  Oh boy.   At this worrying time dh needs you for the time being forget about ds and dil, they don't deserve your thoughts.

So hard but what a new guy my son has become. Never, ever that way before. That is horrible about your Father. The way your SIL did him was so unforgivable. Some things are just unforgivable.  :'(