Thank you for your feedback, everyone.
I don't know if I am "Auntie Mame" but once I got into my thirties, I never let anyone stop me from doing anything that I wanted to do. I'm only 2 years away from 60, so I have even less patience now than I did for the spoiled brats of jellyfish parents who have conditioned their princess daughters to expect the world to carry on their bad behavior. I told my son last year that this woman was a vat of behavior problems and that I would not tolerate her bad behavior because he was putting a ring on HER finger, not mine. I also told him that if she was this much trouble now, when he did put a wedding ring on her finger she would be 10 times worse. I also told him that if he told her about my warnings and she took out her anger on him that I would be fine with that, because after all, he chose her.
He wasn't too happy about that, and initially was the same polite, courteous son he had always been. However soon after when Bridezilla found out much of what I told him, the verbal abuse department took off like a shot and some of the things that came out of my son's mouth on the telephone were so shocking that the only thing that I could do was fight to keep calm and maintain my composure. I did. There were numerous instances of obvious hostility however I did try on numerous occasions to be as conciliatory as possible including contributing my time and energy to get various things ready for the wedding. It was a waste of time, about nine months, but I'm glad I did it.
Of course I shouldn't be paying for the wedding, any more than I should be paying for the engagement ring when he called me to ask me for money because the Princess wasn't happy with the size of the ring he could afford to buy her. I refused to give him a nickel. Engagement rings are not in my budget. If she didn't love him enough to marry him without a fancy ring, she doesn't love him enough. I don't know that she loves him in the sense that many women our age would think of love, but one this is for sure........love doesn't hurt, financially, emotionally or any way else. This is not love, this is control, or rather in my case, attempted control in an effort to fluff up her ego and enjoy my suffering as a double whammie, because after all she's the Princess.
Tough patootie, cutie........I have been on this earth for a lot longer, met a lot more people who are far nastier and I don't have a minute anymore for anyone who won't give me the basics of common courtesy. There is an enduring and unshakable standard in our culture that Mothers should always be there for their children, and be self sacrificing in the process and be happy to do it. Bunk. I've paid my dues, in every way, worked from 5AM to midnight, 52 weeks a year to pay the bills on my own, make the meals, do the wash, groceries, drive him all over town so he can visit his friends and picked up the pieces when his father refused to pay child support and used to cancel out on his visits at the very last minute (after my son had waited 3 months to see him). There is also a maxim that says you treat the parent you trust the worst, because you know that parent won't abandon you, and you treat the parent who hasn't treated you well with extraordinary efforts to please them which rarely work out.
I know that he wouldn't have called his father for money for the engagement ring, I know that she wouldn't have dictated to his father that huge expenses for the "coronation" type wedding were his. I know my ex phones them on a constant basis and TELLS them when he is coming to visit and they had better be ready at the most inconvenient times. I wouldn't do that. They know that but don't appreciate it.
My son wanted a small ceremony with both sets of parents and the bride and groom on a beach........and John Belushi used to say ..."But Nooooo, she was insistent on the extravaganza that other people would pay for, (cost more than 3 years of my tiny pension) and that she would brag about.
My son has had more than adequate warning and the day may come when he comes to me and says "You were right"..........that day may or may not come, but in the meantime, as the old saying goes "If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy". This Mama, ain't going to keep anybody happy except HERSELF, and will continue with the waiting game while making the most of every single day and making the most of my own life and carrying on my traditions of helping others.
I will be happy with or without the brat bride and submissive groom in my day-to-day life.
It's not that I don't love my son, but I don't love watching him grovel to please a spoiled, insecure, demanding materialistic princess as well as allowing her to try to dictate how I will keep in touch with them. I don't love him enough to sabotage my own life and happiness. I am responsible for mine and he is responsible for his.
I'll respect his choices and he'll respect mine (even if they have to do it the "hard way").
The words of the poem in the movie "Invictus" are my motto.
"I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul".
