I sense a lot of pain from you posts. Behind all the toughness and ruggedness, there is a person that is vulnerable and that has been hurt a lot. I am sorry for the injustice that has happened to you. I am glad to see however that you know you are able to take good care of yourself.
I think it was your absolute right to refuse to pay for the ring or pitch in for the wedding and that your decision ought to have been respected. You have done all your best bringing up your child and he is responsible for himself now.
As for the ultimatum, I agree with 1Glitterati. Ultimatums only work if you follow through completely and you have let go of the outcome. Meaning that you will be able to accept whatever the outcome will be.
Life is not black and white, people are not black and white and all-or-nothing approach can leave us soon lonely. To set the consequences for unacceptable behavior is completely ok and can also be done in other ways.
For instance:
If you break your plans with me by not showing up or by calling me at the last minute to tell me that you had something else come up, I will confront your behavior and share my feelings. If you repeat that behavior, I will consider it to mean that you do not value or deserve my friendship - and I will have no contact with you for a month.
Since behavior patterns are quite ingrained in all of us, it is important to allow the other person some wiggle room to make a change in behavior - unless the behavior is really intolerable. To go from one extreme to the other is a reaction to a reaction - and is codependent. There are choices in between which are sometimes hard for us to see if we are reacting. It is helpful to set boundaries that allow for some gradual change.
The consequences we set down for behavior we find unacceptable should be realistic - in that, the change that we are asking for is something that is within the others power (rather they are willing to take that responsibility is another thing altogether) - and enforceable, something that we are willing to do.
I read you have decided not to share your vulnerabilities with them, have no contact (other than email once in 60 days), turn off you phone on the next Mother's Day, do not expect to speak to either of them anytime soon, refuse to give your approval, etc. That is fine when this is what you truly want in your heart and it works for you and makes you happy in the end. I just wonder if part of it is reacting to the treatment you have been subjected to and is therefore coming from the resentment you might feel.
I agree with you I've gone through a lot of pain, I wouldn't be on this website if that wasn't the case.
As for setting down boundaries, in terms of words, etc., that's a total waste of time with people who are toxic. They will twist your words and message and it's just another piece of "ammunition" for the "we are so hard done by dept.".
The type of behaviour that I've been dealing with for almost 2 years is abusive. Not financially abusive because I didn't let it happen. Emotionally abusive, without a doubt and with malice from them both. I don't think I'm reacting to the treatment, except in a way to protect myself. I don't see myself as resentful, I see myself as putting up the barriers to protect myself from any further abuse.
I don't believe you undo a lifetime of conditioning on the part of my future DIL's family to expect the universe to revolve around her and to have everyone else in her life pick up the tab for ridiculous extravagance. I've never known anyone to buy 10 nightgowns at a time, well, maybe Jackie O. Just another day for her.
The difficult part is that I have come, and am still working on coming to terms with is that the relationship that I had with my son and her is over. The relationship as I knew it. If there is to be a new relationship, it will be forget over time and it is unlikely that I will ever trust them 100% again. I can think of many sets of circumstances where their best interests were what they were interested in at the expense of my best interests. Toxic. This is not the way that people who truly care about you treat you. (If you allow them to)
If I afford them the opportunity to keep in touch with me from a minimal point of view, that's still more than I have to. I could, if I chose, walk away completely and wish them well in their marriage and future and "drive on". I've chosen not to do that. I've chosen to make it clear to them/her in actions that any controlling type behaviour will be met with a wall of silence. Actions speak louder than words.
This isn't much different from an abusive relationship where a husband batters a woman into submission. The players have slightly different roles, but it is still a family setting where a victim (that would be me, and in a way, my son) submit to the constant, unreasonable demands of a perpetrator (my future DIL) who will never be pleased no matter what.
If my son has chosen to marry her, put up with her and take the consequences, so be it. I never agreed to put up with this. After more than 5 years of treating her with every courtesy, kindness, and a generous heart in every way, that department is closed. It is closed because of their bad behavior. Those are their consequences and if they don't like it, tough luck.
It's been agony for me to realize that my son (who up until 2 years ago) treated me with every courtesy, respect and wouldn't take a nickel from me has not been turned into this resentful, cold, perhaps even hateful individual. He has morphed into someone that I need to protect myself from. Very, very sad, but the writing is on the wall and I'm not going to ignore it.
Giving them "wiggle room" is foolhardy in my opinion, that's like giving a bullet to someone who has a gun instead of a dozen bullets. If you are a mature adult you don't need "wiggle room", which is just another form of indulgence that parents have given these spoiled brats. You need to GROW UP and act like an adult. Stand on your own two feet, and when YOU have been emotionally abusive to someone who has given you nothing but kindness and generosity for 5 years, the apologies should be coming my way from them both.
I'm no longer in the behavior modification department, my years of raising a child are over. I'm in the "getting on with my life, and having a great time" timeframe. If I don't allow them a reply for 60 days it's because I don't need the toxic kids to spray their toxicity more frequently, because they are resentful and angry that they won't be treated like the Princess and her Prince and wish to "punish" me for not recognizing what they deserve. THEIR expectations are the problem, totally outlandish and unlikely to change while anyone else continues to meet them.
There is no room in my life/heart for toxic people. That I've even decided to leave a sliver of opportunity to keep in touch with me is all that I'm prepared to do and I'm totally fine with that. They are lucky to have that but I'm sure won't appreciate that either. Maybe down the line, but I'm not counting on that any more than I'm counting on winning the lottery to buy my groceries this week.
Change is difficult for everyone, and it is impossible to motivate anyone but yourself. My expectations are "0" for a relationship with them. If something better materializes, it's a bonus, if not, I'm ready for it.
