I sense a lot of pain from you posts. Behind all the toughness and ruggedness, there is a person that is vulnerable and that has been hurt a lot. I am sorry for the injustice that has happened to you. I am glad to see however that you know you are able to take good care of yourself.
I think it was your absolute right to refuse to pay for the ring or pitch in for the wedding and that your decision ought to have been respected. You have done all your best bringing up your child and he is responsible for himself now.
As for the ultimatum, I agree with 1Glitterati. Ultimatums only work if you follow through completely and you have let go of the outcome. Meaning that you will be able to accept whatever the outcome will be.
Life is not black and white, people are not black and white and all-or-nothing approach can leave us soon lonely. To set the consequences for unacceptable behavior is completely ok and can also be done in other ways.
For instance:
If you break your plans with me by not showing up or by calling me at the last minute to tell me that you had something else come up, I will confront your behavior and share my feelings. If you repeat that behavior, I will consider it to mean that you do not value or deserve my friendship - and I will have no contact with you for a month.
Since behavior patterns are quite ingrained in all of us, it is important to allow the other person some wiggle room to make a change in behavior - unless the behavior is really intolerable. To go from one extreme to the other is a reaction to a reaction - and is codependent. There are choices in between which are sometimes hard for us to see if we are reacting. It is helpful to set boundaries that allow for some gradual change.
The consequences we set down for behavior we find unacceptable should be realistic - in that, the change that we are asking for is something that is within the others power (rather they are willing to take that responsibility is another thing altogether) - and enforceable, something that we are willing to do.
I read you have decided not to share your vulnerabilities with them, have no contact (other than email once in 60 days), turn off you phone on the next Mother's Day, do not expect to speak to either of them anytime soon, refuse to give your approval, etc. That is fine when this is what you truly want in your heart and it works for you and makes you happy in the end. I just wonder if part of it is reacting to the treatment you have been subjected to and is therefore coming from the resentment you might feel.
Faith, since we're constantly hurt and disappointed in them, what are we left with to do? It's apparent that my son's wife has systematically taken control of him and nothing but hurt and neglect has ensued. You can't imagine what that feels like. I read on this site the explanation of narcissistic behavior. I think it was written by Cremebulet. This is totally my DIL. One of the sentences says she watches for any slight of her and if there is, it's heaped on you but in a worse way.
An explanation below:
She strongly disapproves of others' personal autonomy and independence. Even innocuous activities, such as meeting a friend or visiting one's family require her permission. Gradually, she isolates his nearest and dearest until they are fully dependent on her emotionally, sexually, financially, and socially.
The narcissist's sense of self, which has not progressed past that of a very young child, they cannot deal with the reality of a mirror being held up before them. Unlike the alcoholic who may in due course "see the light", a narcissist simply does not have the emotional skills to step outside of themselves and glimpse the truth in the mirror. The essence of NPD is that the sufferer lives in a bubble that can only accommodate themselves. Self-reflection is definitely not in the narcissist's bag of skills and expecting them to be capable of doing so can court disaster.
Be prepared for rage and aggression to be aimed at you. Be prepared to not be heard.. Be prepared to have everything that you claim about them, to be reassigned to you. When and if you are strong enough to cope with this treatment, then you may decide to go ahead. If you are hoping for recognition and a change for the better, more pain is in store. The sufferer of Narcissistic Personality Disorder do not realize that other people are separate entities, with their own needs, lives and wants. Narcissists treat people as if they only exist to serve the narcissist's needs, and they have little regard for those who do not pay court to their wishes. In fact, they often develop an active dislike for those they cannot control and manipulate. Even those who will do their bidding can fall out of favor in a heartbeat should they stand up to the narcissist and say "no."
Narcissists don't really "see" anyone else, only their potential use as an object to carry out their wishes. This is why children of narcissists often feel as though they are "invisible" and worthless." Of course, they are neither invisible nor worthless, but the narcissistic parent has transferred that feeling onto them. In fact, it is the narcissist themselves who has a deep sense of worthlessness.
To be diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, five or more of the following characteristics must be present:
1. An exaggerated sense of self-importance, with little actual achievements.
2. Fantasizes about unlimited power, success, intelligence, and beauty.
3. Believes that s/he is "special" and attempts to associate only with those who the sufferer perceives are "like" them or will "appreciate" their talent.
4. Needs excessive admiration.
5. Expects especially favorable treatment by others or automatic agreement by others.
6. Exploits other people for their own advancement.
7. Cannot empathize with others.
8. Is envious of others but also believes others are envious of them.
9. Exhibits arrogant behaviors.
Some researchers believe that this disorder has its roots in the failure of the parent to act as empathic "mirrors" during infancy. As a result, the child remains "stuck", in an emotional sense, at a very early stage of development, and never learns that others not only exist, and have real feelings and needs of their own. By the time a normal child has entered kindergarten, he or she has developed a sense of "other" and can respond to some extent to the needs of their peer group. For the narcissist, this stage does not seem to have been successfully achieved, and the now-grown adult has the empathic capacity of a very young infant.
Researchers with a more sociological slant take the view that the occurrence of narcissism is on the increase in Western society due to the emphasis on individualism, instant pleasure, and personal success. The uprise of the so-called "me-generation" is believed to have been responsible for breeding a whole new generation of narcissists. Interestingly, family research also suggests that it is possible that there is a genetic component to this disorder, which has been successfully traced through successive generations in some families.
I've read many articles concerning NPD, and from what I understand, NPD establishes itself within the host, during infancy or the toddler stages of life. The child probably had a very dysfuncational parent or parents...and learned to turn they're feelings off to prevent hurt...so they set they're hooks into our sons...it is probably the very first time in they're lives they've been loved...therefore, they become extremely territorial...anyone who poses a threat to that attention they so need, is going to literally be pushed out of they're lives....
this is abnormal...as a person who understands love, would not do this to anyone....
