Well, I am no counselor, by any means, however, I'm going to give my 2 cents...no parent, ever, should allow a child to share the same bed with them...if anything, if the child is sick, then a parent should go into they're room to comfort them...allowing a child to sleep with parents is so wrong....the child develops a security and cannot learn to sleep alone...however, water over the dam, and cannot be reversed.
2nd...it sounds to me like your husband and his ex enabled these girls to be like this...doesn't mean they were bad parents...just means, they loved the girls to much and did things for them to make they're lives to easy and spoiled them.....sometimes as parents, we try to protect our children way to much and create monsters. Children must learn that life isn't always fair...they must learn to work for what they want meaning, get jobs and be taught how to manage they're money...it's not the amount that is saved, it's that they are taught to put money away each paycheck and learn how to balance a check book, and live strickly within they're budget. Children should also be taught how to cook, clean, shop, do laundry, ask to be excused from the table, be taught to say please and thank you, be tuaght when out in public to respect the personal space of people around you and learn how to whisper, how to sit still in a resturant, and to not speak unless spoken to. Children should be allowed to experience disappointments...(for instance, yesterday, was my friends daughter's birthday, she'll be 7 years old...they had planned a sleep over, however, their AC broke, and her daughter was devestated...) yes, it is heartbreaking, but I reassured her that by postponeing the sleep over and birthday celebration, that when they do have it, it's going to be even better b/c of this or that...
Yes, it is sad, but children must learn they can't always have they're way....if they don't learn that life has it's disappointments, how will they deal with frustrations and dissappointments, if we don't allow them to happen.
Parents also try to protect children by making excuses for they're behavior...and the children never learn that it is inappropriate to act like that...a child's upbringing is so important...the responsiblility of the parent is so important b/c you can either make or break a child.
We all make mistakes, we all look back and say, I could have done this or that better...however...there is a reason why your step children are like this...this is the way they were brought up...it wasn't intentional...it was done out of love, and a lot of times, when children come from a slit home, they learn very quickly how to manipulate, b/c the parents will do anything for them, to make up for them not being there, the parents feel over ridden with guilt due to the break up, or the parents play tug of war with the children and the children suffer.
I see no answers to this problems but what I do see is this....parents should never ever give money to money to they're children...unless they have taught they're children from little on up to pay back loans....I know we all love our kids so much that we want to make they're lives better...however, when you do this, your enabling them to not pay you back. I was taught from little on up, that no matter what, never borrow money unless I really really needed it, and then pay it back...and when I paid it back, I was taught to give so much a week...it didn't matter how much, just as long as I left the person know who loaned me the money that I was making an effort to live up to my promise.
Kids are not taught these things today, and it is unfortunate. I see a socity who uses cell phones and has no regards for the other person's private space...kids screaming in theaters and resturants and are not taught manners, but left to run loose all over stores etc. Kids with cell phones in Grade schools? It's ridiculous...and the kids run up bills that the parents pay for them?
? How does a child learn to understand these things about life, if the parent is giving them everything? Then when the time comes when someone says no to them, they can't handle it, or they cannot provide for themselves, don't know how to manage money, cook, clean, shop wisely...etc. Parents (not all parents, but a lot of them) today, I think have lost the whole bigger picture of awareness....how our thoughts and actions effect so many other people...that a lot of these things have completely dropped from society's way of thinking, politiness, courtesy, understanding, compassion and just plain thinking about the effects our own actions have on every one else around else.
So, what I would do is move, get away, and start over...and estrange these girls from your lives...your marriage is of utmost importance...your mental health towards each other is so important....and goes above and beyond anything right now...you both need to stop obsessing about these girls and move on...I certainly hope they are not living with you? If they are, they need to learn how to support themselves....Gosh, I don't understand, why parents today do everything for they're children...it's like, they feel its they're job...and by doing that, we're creating monster adults who have no concept of how they're words, thoughts and actions effect others...
I'm so sorry your dealing with this...I really am....
Back in the days when I was still dating, trying to find a life time mate...there was a very nice man I dated....only a few times....all he talked about was his daughter who had a terrible mother, much like your husband's ex...he said, due to that, his 20 something daughter was using drugs and would probably come and live with him.
I never told him why, but ended our relationship right then and there, as I knew we would never agree...I am very strict when it comes to children...and how they should be raised...
My foster mother was a very giving and loving person, she gave so much, today, no one knows for sure, how much money she actually gave away to others in need....she did so much for everyone, family extended family, neighbors and friends...however, she taught me, to never allow a gift that was given me, to go unchecked...to either call and say thank you, or send a hand written thank you card...she taught us, no matter how much we hated a gift that was given to us...even if it was a meal or food given to us, to never ever reject a gift from someone, no matter how small or ugly, b/c that would be like slapping that person across the face, and that is exactly what rejection is, a slap in the face. It hurts, doesn't it?
Darling...you've got to get away from these girls....otherwise, this will eat away slowly at your health and mental outlook on life...they are draining you...slowly...and maybe that is they're intent...to push you out of your husband's life, did you ever think of that?
What do the counselors suggest you do, and even though your going to counseling, are you listening and applying it to your lives or are you enabling these girls. These are questions you are going to have to ask yourselves, you don't have to answer them here...however, what you must do, is make a decission to make your lives better...you have a choice....and if you don't get away from these girls, they will eat you alive I fear....
I really think you need to explore this with your counselor and I do hope you both are still going.....you need a counselor who is going to give you choices...lay the law down to both of you, and discuss the options you have with you. A good counselor is going to point your mistakes out to you...he is not, I repeat, not going to have you come in there for an hour, listen to you cry your heart out and then only take your money...a good counselor is going to tell you things you don't want to hear and make you aware of your own mistakes, teach you to self examine and tell you your wrong for taking this....
I hope and pray that I've written something that will help give you some light...and will keep you in my prayers...
(It is very important that you know, I don't know if I'm right here, it is, however what I think and feel and how I was conditioned to believe and act....so, I could very well be wrong about a lot of things)so sorry for this long disortation...
Hugs
Creme
