A mother is always a mother

[AnnieB]

OK, so even though my two DIL's haven't said anything like this to me (bless their hearts!), when I see someone claiming that a Mother's love is replaced by a Wife's, or that one or the other is stealing the son away, it just irks me!  So I am once again (at my own risk  ) sharing some thoughts I had on this topic...

What I would say, if push came to shove! 

******

I am still his mother, though he's no longer a child and he is now your husband.
That doesn't mean I'm giving him up, or that you are taking him away.
We can both love him - you as the wife, me as the mother.
You did not love him like I do and never can because I'm the mother.
I cannot love him like you do and never can because you're the wife.
If that doesn't make the point, let me add a few more things.

You did not birth him.
You did not raise him.
I have loved him while he was bald and his pants were full of pee and poop.  If you're lucky, your day will come.
I have loved him even when he threw up on me, even when he threw himself on the floor and screamed "I don't wuv you!", even when he slammed his door and said, "None of your business!"
I loved him before he was born, I loved him the second I saw him, I learned what unconditional love meant from him.
And now I get to love him unconditionally, without having to nag him about picking up his room, getting up on time, or taking out the trash.  You can do all that now.
I will never believe he's cheating on me. 
Even if I did, in my heart, I'd never divorce him.
He and I are truly "til death do we part."
for even if we no longer speak,
I will always hold the boy he was
tenderly in my heart

So, nope, I cannot love him like you do, you're the wife.

[SunnyDays09]

"There is no reason for this to happen.  There is someone to blame.  It could be everyone involved. It just means everyone involved has to understand the role they play in the mess and be willing to admit they need to work together to avoid this sort of hurt in their family."  (not using quote function since print is very small)

   And someone needs to step up and say to themselves "I won't let others interfere, whether it be my mother or sister or someone else, with my new life and the new people in it."  No matter what.  They have got to decide for themselves just what type of relationship they want with new family.  Talking may help with some.  With others it may not.  But at least try. 

[corinsmith19]

Okay. I've been reading these posts for some time.  I have to be honest.  I've been married for about three years and you know there are always going to be people in your life that you don't like.  My MIL happens to be one of them.  Its nothing against her.  I just don't like her.  Everyone else in the family is fine.  She hovers too much and expects us to get together with her practically every weekend.  I got on this website because I'm trying to understand how she might feel.  I have to be honest, I tolerate her and that's about it.  My husband gets tired of her too, but doesn't want to hurt her feelings.  She's got a husband, other children and grandchildren and she works.  So I don't understand why she can't back the heck off.

Some of the Mil's on this site I feel sorry for but I see almost an obsession with your kids.  I think that would creep me out if my mom was pining over me like that!  Its almost like an obsessed stalker over a former lover. I'm sorry but that's what it reminds me of.  I can't imagine my mom thinking about "sharing" me with my husband.  That's creepy.  I'm an adult for crying out loud.  Why would my mom be thinking about when I used to poop my pants etc.  If my mom was obsessing like this over me I'm sorry but I would have to say "babe you gotta get a life!"

[corinsmith19]

Tamkat you mentioned that you wish that everyone would respect each other's right to be in each other life?
I'm like what?
I like this saying I heard a long time ago:  "Its a privilege to be apart of someone life, not a right."  I agree with this. Just because you give birth to someone doesn't mean that you have a "right" to be in their life.  And just because you gave birth to them doesn't mean that you don't have to earn that right to be in their lives.
And one more thing the golden rule that every Mil needs to learn is "don't complain to your child about their spouse."  You're going to push  them away even more.  If I ever find out my Mil is bad mouthing me to my husband I will tell her to her face that if she's got something that she doesn't like about me then she needs to say it to my face or keep her mouth shut!!

[Prissy]

come back when you have kids, corinsmith19...this has nothing to do with pining over a long lost love, it's a tad different than that.

We have lives, we have friends, we have businesses.....it's a shame that his mom gets on your nerves because someday you might have a son and his wife might not like you. It will break you into a million pieces, it will...and you'll look back on how you felt about her and know how it feels.  Good luck with that.

You will never understand till you get there.

[corinsmith19]

Prissy, I'm sorry about your problems but some people do seem obsessed.  And I probably won't have a son since I gave birth to twin daughters about 10 months ago and I don't think I can go through that again.  I'm very close with my mom so I'm sure that my daughters will be close to me.  Also my daughters love my husbands mom but she over stays her welcome too much.  I just don't understand why mothers just can't let their kids grow up and have their own life and not obsess over them.  Its freakin creepy.

[Prissy]

You don't need to be "sorry" about my problems and I'm not obsessed.  I don't know why Daughters in law can't afford the same respect to their husband's Mother that they give to their own Mothers.

I also don't know why daughters in law can't use the brain God gave them and know that there is no way they could really love their own husbands if they treat his Mother with disrespect.

My kids have grown up.  I raised them to do just that....times have changed and some women have become so self centered that GOD help the next generation. You don't know everything, though you think you do.  You will get exactly what you give out.  Count on it, except it's going to hurt much worse.

Good luck with that too.

[corinsmith19]

Bitterness isn't going to get you anywhere and it sure isn't' going to get your dil to like you.  But I DO love my husband and I love his mom as well.  She just doesn't realize she bother us so much.
But if I were you I would take a good long look at myself before I jump on dil.  Your children weren't born into this world to keep you happy and fulfilled for crying out loud.  That's YOUR job not your kids.  They shouldn't have to feel like they have to constantly have you apart of everything.  Think about it, would you really want you Mil hanging around you all the time.  I think not.  And by the way I've not shunned my Mil at all.  She just drives me crazy sometimes but I still love her.  Prissy I've read your posts dear and let me tell you from a dil point of view, there is a reason why your dil doesn't like you, I promise!  Just look at the vile crap you call her.

[Prissy]

Do not lecture me....do not.  This is the only place we have to post. You're not going to take it away from us. 

If you don't like what I've said, don't read it but do not lecture me like I'm a child. 

[corinsmith19]

I'm not trying to take anything away from you or lecture you. I'm just saying that look at how you over react to stuff, totally over react!  I'm sure that's huge a turnoff to your dil and even your son.  Don't you have 2 sons that don't come around.  Its so easy to blame everybody else isn't it?  Its too painful to look at we've done that might be bad or inappropriate.  There's a reason why you keep on having this problem.  Maybe your dil's are just sick of your dramatic reactions to stuff???

[Prissy]

you seem to know a lot about me.  I see all your little 'guests' viewing this site, cheering you on. 

You have no heart....leave us alone.  I do not need you to give your opinion about me to me.  I don't want your advice...take yourself back to your hate mil site. You'll be among your own kind there.

[luise.volta]

I think we often talk "apples and oranges"...the dynamics of mother/daughter can be very different from mother/son.

When my youngest son married, his wife saw us together for the first and told me later that she said to herself..."OK, I can be number two in his life." She only told me that after we became vast friends and she had learned that there were two number one females in his life. We are still inseparable, that DIL and I...a quarter of a century later.
And he has never confused which one is the mom and which one is the wife.

And I think C. has a point...if not about obsession...it may be about continuance for many of us. (Not the legal term!) Many of us moms see the family as continuing in a way that our off-spring don't necessarily want or agree with. They start a new clan and may see us as external to that. That makes sense but unfortunately many of us, (me included), see the family unit as expanding, transcending our children becoming adults and incorporating "newcomers." The two concepts are almost diametrically opposed. The former creates a new matriarch of a new family unit while the later leaves the former matriarch in a formidable context.

When each faction expects the other to conform to their particular slant on things, oh, boy!

I have had to learn to back off and shut up. Neither are easy when you've been the leader for a couple of decades and no matter how benevolent...a force to be reconned with. I have had to learn to ask and comply. Whoa! What a concept! However, it is do-able and it makes a huge difference.

I may be shot for this and get tons of minus Karma points, but I feel the son and DIL have a right to make the rules when they establish a new entity. I think some do it ruthlessly, however. And some see trouble where there is none. It also looks like some guys just do head and sand and don't/won't participate.

(Putting my soap box away, now...before the shooting begins.)

[Prissy]

There's no shooting here, Luise.  I just know where she's from and I really would like a place to share without being hounded by them, that's all.

[corinsmith19]

Things will NEVER change for you because your not willing to look at yourself.  Add at this to your list of things to work on - paranoia.  My friends are watching as guests??  What in the world does that mean??

Also by the way I'm not on any hate my Mil site.  I happen to love my Mil and that's why I've never said anything to her.  But if I had a Mil like you I would be locking the front door and screening my phone calls, I promise you that!  I wouldn't be at all surprised if you're imagining these problems with your dil.  So you think its all your dil and both your sons?  You have nothing to do with it.  Right, right that makes perfect senses I guess in your world.

[corinsmith19]

Luise thank you for your post.  Now that's a rational Mil that I could have a normal relationship with.  Prissy being rational might get you some where with you family.