my 18 year old son is so lost....

[Nana]

Pen:  Yes sometimes we doubt if we would voluntarily pass through this again if we had the choice.  We sometimes are so tired that we doubt our own existence.  Its a valid thought.

Tjc:  I felt something beautiful when you said you and hubby pray before meeting your son.  God I wanted to cry.  Cant our children see what they are doing to us?  Uggggg!

You did just fine. 
You acted very strong.  God helped you in this one.  You owe him one.

Good luck and may God Bless and hubby always

Love

[Pooh]

So proud of you tjc.  You handled that perfectly!

[cremebrulee]

tjc
that was probably the most difficult thing you ever had to do in  your life, wasn't it?
that also rips one's heart out...however....in the long run, you retain your self respect....yanno what hurts us the most about these situations....
it isn't that we gave our children the money, and they didn't make any attempt to pay us back...yes, that hurts, but what is the greatest human error is, our anger comes from within, misdirected...we become angry with ourselves if we do give in, and let them walkall over us, and then complain....ahhhh, see what they did to me....aren't they awful for taking advantage like that?  but in the bigger picture of it all, aren't we the wrong ones for enabling them? 

Good for you girl...please know we're here for you 100%
Please stay strong no matter what....if your son tells you he's leaving, then you tell him, Good, I'll help you pac your bag.

My son did that to me one time...he was young...he was angry b/c he couldn't get his way....and he said, I'm going to run away....and I said to him, (poor lil guy, tears were running down his face) "ok, then, lets go up and pac your bags"....so I took him by the arm gently and guided him to the attic to get a bag, then we went downstairs to his room and I opened it up and said, "Ok, what will you need?"  He was still in shock and couldn't answer me, and so I went to his underwear drawer and said...." hmmm, how many pairs of underwear will you need?" Now the tears are starting to run down his cheeks...and this went on and on, until I closed the bag...and then said, "Oh wait, it might get cold while your out there, maybe you'll need a sweater and your coat....so I gave him his sweater, and he's drawing it out....hoping I'm going to change my mind....but I walked him to the door, and just as I was ready to push him out...he turns around and starts crying, "Please mom, I don't want to run away".  I said in shock "you don't?"  and he starts crying and I held him tight....and when he was done, I looked at him and said, then, we'll never ever do this again, right?  He shook his head yes....

it's tough being a parent....really tough...but sometimes the less we react, the better off we are...they still pushing our buttons when they're adults and it's up to us to let them know, hey, I still own my own rules, no matter how much I love you, I'm not going to trade them for your love....

Good luck dear lady....stay strong....
Creme

oh and p.s. 
I'm so glad when he stood up, you stood up....it showed him, you were saying, "whatever son, we're holding our ground"....let him stew on that for awhile, and her....and if she is ever ever mouthy with you or your husband, tell her straight out, "you have just a little to much to say missy" and walk away from her before she can reply...don't say it in anger, just very military stern. 

[tjc9226]

I want to say thank you so much for all your replies ....it makes me feel so much better that i am not the only one that is going through this with my son...

Creme- yes it was the hardest thing i ever had to do...but i knew i had to...i told him he looked good ..when in reality he looked like crap.there sat my son one that would never leave the house without a shower..one that would spray his colonge that the whole house would smell of him for hours..one that had to have his clothing match and not faded...as for his Gf...i dont think i will ever like her..when we were talking to my son she would try to interrupt ..this was getting on my nerves..finally i said to her...I am not here to see you i am here to see my son ...so could you please let us talk and keep your comments to yourself...i was amazed at how calm i was when i said that....and she actually shut up...i know deep down in side my heart my son loves me..i saw that look in his eyes when our eyes met .the look he use to give me when he knew he did wrong and wanted me to comfort him.... i just wish he could stand up to her and tell her that this is how it's gonna be...but until that day comes ... i will still send him an email once a week to let him know that i am here for him and love him....and Pray everyday that he is safe....

[luise.volta]

Bless your heart tjc!

[tjc9226]

i found this poem and i would like to share with you guys!!!! it was for her daughter but i changed the words around for my son..and sent it to him...


You are special; you mean the world to me
You are my son, a reflection of my entity

Every year, as I watch you grow by my side
No matter what you do, you are my source of pride

The umbilical cord may have been cut but you should know
You are still bound to my soul, wherever you go

Sometimes I am firm and you may think I am wrong
Remember it is easy to give in, but tough to be strong

Sometimes I am strict and you may think it is unfair
But I correct you only because I love and care

I harden my heart and nag, scold and fight
To teach you the difference between the wrong and the right

For soon, the days will pass swiftly all in a whirl
And into a man will my baby boy will grow

Tomorrow when you need inner strength above all
I hope my values will give you the courage to stand tall

I hope that in my teaching you will find tips few
Soon when you strive to make your dreams come true

At a later date, when the real world you have to face
Today’s lessons will help you go ahead in the race

Some day in the future when a father you will be
From my point of view, the world you will see

For your baby then you will do what is best
To blend discipline with kindness is every mom’s test

by:Nandita Shailesh Shanbhag

[Nana]

Beautiful poem TJC. 

Good you sent it to him.  I cried....  Yes it is easy to give in....tough to do what we have to do for their own sake.    He will get it TJC...eventually....just hold on.   I am virtually holding your hand.

God Bless You

Good night!

[tjc9226]

thank you nana.....i cried to when i read it.....it is so good to know that i have all of you behind me....

God Bless and Good Nite...

[Nana]

TJC

The quote you have under your posts.  I have another one.
Something like this:

God has three answers for you
1. Yes
2- Not now
3.- I have better plans for you

Dont remember the author.

[cremebrulee]

TJC
We're behind you 150% and what you said to her was great!  Good for you...sometimes I ponder, if our son's want us to do that...kinda validates the reality of what is going on to them?  I don't know?  However...by keeping your cool, and just plainly telling her out right like that put her in her place...

Stay strong and gain all the knowledge you can on this subject and how to handle difficult relationships...it will help you....

Knowledge is Power...and we woman are steadfast and strong when we put our minds to it.

Much love

Creme

[tjc9226]

Happy weekend everyone....yesterday DS sperm donar called me..(his real father) and said to me that he couldnt believe that my DH and I werent gonna help our DS....i said to him...."he does not need 91 dollars for an operation..since he has ins. through you ..you should know that they bill you the 20%...he needs the money for something else and I'm not going to support his habit or the way he is living.." Well as always i was the one that was wrong...and that i need to do this and do that...i listened and finally said are you done...and when he didnt answer me  i said to him "you were not in his life for 17 years and now that he calls you and tells you all this stuff...why dont you pay the bill..." and of course he said to me.."you gave up on your son and that is how he feels."....No i didnt give up on my son..if my son would treat me with respect and not be doing the things that he knows are wrong..maybe and just maybe i would help him...the line went dead and as always i cried and cried... i never stood up to this man before ..i took the physical beatings..the verbal abuse...for 12 years from this man...and i finally had the balls to stand up for myself..i think i did because he is a 1000 miles away and i knew he couldnt hurt me....i havent heard from my DS lately and i knew i wouldnt ...but that is ok...Thanks for letting me Vent...have a great nite everyone...

[luise.volta]

We are with you, tjc. Sending love...

[tjc9226]

since i last wrote...i moved to a wonderful beach house....my DS called me the day of his surgery to come pick him up form the hospital.cause he didnt have a ride home from surgery..everything was going good until this weekend...when he asked if they (his gf and him) could come and visit for the day..which i was very skeptical on doing so..but i did anyways...after making the dinner he asked if i could take him to a job interview at the local newspaper...and i did....as we were sitting in the car waiting for DS to come out of the interview..his gf got a text from her mother saying that DS needed to find a place to live cause she isnt putting up with him anymore...i am not gonna lie i was happy to see that text ...so he asked me if he could move in till he got on his feet...i said yes..and then the big question was popped, well actually it wasnt a question it was a statement...GF is moving in to....i told him NO way will i have a minor living under my roof...she has a mother to go home to...well it ended up that i took them back to the city they live in and DS said..."i love you mom but you wont see me anymore Nebraska...."i think my mouth dropped to my lap...i asked him who he knew there and he said dont worry about it...it has been quilt trip after guilt trip...and i told him that i will always be here for you no matter what...i will love you forever.....but i didnt choose this path for you...you did..and i hope you realize that all i ever did was try to help you...he said again i love you mom..and closed the door...so here i sit again...hurt...wondering if i did the right thing....feeling like i threw my son away....

thank you for letting me vent...

[luise.volta]

I'm so proud of you that you didn't let them blackmail you! And I know it must feel really terrible. Sending love...

[Julia]

..feeling like i threw my son away....

Don't make yourself sick over this you did all you could, you have your self respect and dignity in tack.  What more could you have done?    I would be thinking of all the things you have done right and the consequences of
if you condoned her living with you.    He could very well have been abusive to you weather emotional or physical.  Who knows.  I would think just for a little while how things could have gone wrong if you hadn't been strong, no he has to grow up and cope on his own and so he should.  Like you said he chose this path it wasn't what you had wanted for him it is his decision.