my 18 year old son is so lost....

[tjc9226]

I just found this site and it looks so wonderful....I'm having a problem with my 18 year old son..we were so so close up until he found this girl..whom has gotten him into so much problems with drugs and gangs... his step-father and I have done our best to tell him the road he is taking is the wrong one...since he has been with this girl and her mother...my son and i had to sneak around to see each other...that was fine for a month until we got caught...now he has moved an hour away from us (with them) and i havent seen or talked to him in over a month......he has overdrafted his checking account...doesnt pay for his cell phone ..me and his step dad do...he dont have a job...this isnt the boy i gave birth to or raised...i know he loves me..but it's killing me not knowing if he has a place to sleep or if he is eating...this girl and her mother have threatened my life and my families life...crank phone calls...we have put numerous police reports against them..but nothing ever comes out of it..this girl and her mom do not stay in one place more then 1-6 months..they play the system well...now she is pregnant...and says it is my son's ..i raised my son the right way and in a christian home...so my son is doing what ever he can do make this right...But this is killing me ..i have had 2 heart attacks since this and i'm only 44...this is destroying me...what can i do???

[luise.volta]

Your son is old enough, legally, to make choices. You can't stop that or fix it. You can continue to love him and be there for him if and when he chooses otherwise. You are letting it make you sick. Most of us have been through something similar. Caring for yourself, creating distance, not paying his bills...is self-care. He is making his life about things that you don't support. Make your life about letting him learn his own lessons and paying his own dues. He may straighten up and come back to the family but it will be his decision, if and when he has seen what this is costing him. You are in charge of healing yourself and not letting it be about you. It is about him. Sending love...

[Ree]

T,
It will seem that with each sentence you are getting stronger.  Keep sharing and reading the encouragement that's being offered here. Hang in there.

[Pooh]

Welcome tjc.  Keep venting and using this forum as a way to relieve pent-up stress.  You must take care of yourself first.

[tjc9226]

I'm really thankfull that i have found this site....i knew i wasnt the only one that ever went through this but i felt like i was....i feel if i dont pay his cell phone he wont be able to contact me if he ever needs me... i know that sounds dumb cause he dont call me anyways...but ya never know...my husband said that this month was the last time...it's time to let him crash and burn....to me that sounded harsh but i know that is sooo true...i'm really worried about this baby that they are having...it wont be taken care of like it should be... i was told to report them to welfare...would that be the right thing to do...

[Ree]

My thoughts on your question are simple.
DWOCD.   (Do what one can do.) 


Peace.

[tjc9226]

today i received an email from my son's gf... i have not to hear my son say to leave him alone...just her telling me he doesnt want me around...again i have no one i can talk to...so i'm sorry if i get ya'll mad...but i had to let someone know how this girl is...i been a wreck ever since i got this....it feels like my heart is being ripped out of my chest...i did everything the cops told me to do...block her from my email..but she seems to be getting my new on all the time....i have decided to stop paying his bills...he is on his own now..if he can let her talk to me this way...again i'm sorry for posting this but i dont know where else to turn...

[luise.volta]

We are listening. It is best not to publish what other write here. Better to stick to privacy. How you feel is what matters. The details are not as important as your letting go and healing.

[tjc9226]

i'm sorry...i was upset at the time..and wasnt thinking....

[Julia]

Dear tjc
Luise is right, we are listening and how you feel is what matters.   We mothers will always feel very protective of our adult children, no matter what is going on in their lives.    Our health suffers as a result and that is so unfair.    He has to grow up ( I was told by a counsellor young men generally mature around 25).  In the meantime you must look after yourself, their isn't anything else you can do.  Just be there for him if he needs you.  Tough love.  Love him from a distance.

[tjc9226]

 ..... today i saw my son for the first time in months...he emailed me to ask if i could come and see him he needed to talk to me...well i jumped at the chance of course...my husband and i had a funny feeling that the only reason he contacted us was because he needed something but we both said a Prayer before we went into see him...his Gf was with him of course and God gave me the strength not to say anything wrong...i was there for my son not for her...we talked for about an hour but he couldn't look me in the eyes....and finally the question came...here he says he has a hernia and needs an operation on the 27th of Aug.. and that the doctor needs 91.00$ before he can get it...Any other time i would of just gave him the money...but this time i said..."Give me the Dr. name and i will call him and pay for the bill"...well he didnt want to do it that way ...he said just put the money into my account and i'll pay it myself...my husband and i told him that we couldn't do it that way...my son stood up and so did i...he gave me a hug told me that he loved me and said he would talk to me in the near future....i watched him walk away .... i know i havent been posting or anything on here but i do read alot of the other post....i took your advice in just letting him go and that he will come back ..and you guys were right he did come back...for an hour...which was great.... ....but not only have you guys helped me through this God became a very big part of my life..... what im trying to say i guess is Thank you......

[barelythere]

tcj, in my heart, I could tell before I even read the entire post that he needed money.  So proud that you did the right thing.  It hurts but respect is what you need right now. 

[tjc9226]

Thank you Barelythere... you dont know how much your post meant to me.....i needed to hear that!!!

[barelythere]

sometimes you just need to hear that you did the right thing, I know and understand.  You did the right thing.  It's better to be respected than to be loved but I am still trying to grasp that concept.  I thought they went hand and hand.

[Pen]

Thinking of you during this difficult, yet empowering time for you. DH once told me being a parent was so hard on him emotionally that if he had the chance to do it again he wouldn't. I thought he was being too dramatic or whimpy, but now I occasionally agree with him. Best wishes to you.