Good one!
I'm struggling right now with things that I see at the nursing home that I think are neglectful of Val and he doesn't notice them and isn't hurt by them.
My question is: "Is this anger and hurt about him...or is it about me?" (Clue: I'm crying over it and he is sleeping like a baby.) :'(
I am so sorry to read this Luise....
unfortunately, Val's care is out of your hands, and they are not taking care of him, like you would...however, your emotions are normal...
I think, it's both, the hurt and anger you feel b/c all this is happening, morning his absence....and this is happening to someone you love, it's also taken away the comfort zone of your relationship....the worry of what they are doing every second, there is really no peace of mind when it comes to Val's care.
Lets face it....we all realize, as much as we tell our selves, everything is ok, but it's not, he's not with you, and your unable to control his care, not being there with him every second, is an unknown, and the unknown scares us, along with all the what if's....your probably also feeling guilt....and anger for having to face each day alone without him....it hurts lady....big time....plus a certain amount of purpose has been taken away from your daily routine....we women are care takers....and we give of ourselves and time, to our loved ones before ourselves....so when that routine is taken away, we feel lost and not so needed....yanno....I think by understanding our own emotions, helps....so, be aware of these things and when you start feeling as you do...understand, the love of your life is your priority...has been for years....and he's not with you, so, you are unable to watch over him and feel, like no one else will do it as good as you can....and that, dear one, is perfectly human and normal....so cry, let it out...while understanding those emotions....it's not one thing, but many and your overwhelmed with all this unknow uncertainty.
It happens to some of us, when our children leave home....for so so many years, we put our lives on hold and give up so many things, so many dreams, to provide for them...why, b/c it gives us joy to see they're happiness and success....and we become used to putting our dreams on hold, what we'd like to do...we actually let our husbands and children make all the decissions of where to go for vacation, etc....we allow them to watch what they want on TV....and we tell ourselves, we love what they love....
So, we actually loose our own identities for all those years....we compromise those things we were and wanted....so now, your facing a whole new life....with time alone....and youself starts to surface again....you start getting to know you all over again....and let me tell you, it's such a good thing, if you allow it to be.....life isn't always fair, and sometimes it's down right crappy Luise....but with the bad, always comes good, we just have to look for it....identify it....life has a way, of making us realize the joy in it, the preciousness in every second...if we look for it....there are more sad moments then happy ones, however, if we can learn to identify the happy moments...we start to realize how very paramount they are, which takes over our whole being...that is why, as we grow older, stuff that really bothered us when we were young is so unimportant now....we realize, life is getting shorter and learn to identify the peace and harmony that is there for us, and how to find it...what to do with it....
We can rejoice when we read so many testimony's on this forum, b/c the people these ladies are taking about are so unhappy, to the point that they make everyone else around them unhappy....it is essential, that we realize, how we effect the lives of others....our husbands, parents, children, friends, co-workers....and then all else doesn't seem so important....that, to me, is the great picture...if we're unhappy and obsessive, everyone around us is tense....learning to allow, is a great challenge....allow things to be and simply take they're own course, instead of trying to control it...cuz the more we try to control destiny, the more difficult we make our own lives...plus everyone else around us....not that you are....these are just thoughts which are coming to my mind, through my own experiences, plus learning from you and the other ladies here....
In everything that happens to us, there is always, a very important lesson for us to learn along the way...when I was having problems with my DIL, I used to constantly say, there has got to be something in this for me to learn...and when I stopped blaming her, and took a long hard look at myself....and realized, this ugly thing that is happening to us, is not worth winning....not at all, b/c life is to short...I started to realize, even though I didn't mean to hurt her, I did....and when we're young, some of us can surely hold a grudge and chalk it up remembering. Women don't forget...they count the bad things that happened and can't let them go and move forward....that is why it's so hard to forgive...however, when we start to learn, that forgiveness is essential in providing peace to our own lives, and not the lives of others, things start to change. I realized, how small some of these incidents were, and said to myself...sheeesh, it's just not that big of a deal, and it wasn't, but I made it a big deal....and made myself so unhappy...I learned, to feed the soul with goodness, instead of anger....look for the good, which most everyone has and ignore the other stuff....I learned that I am no picnic either, with faults of my own that I need to work on....and to stop being so critical of others and myself, which helped change the insecurities...it all ties in together....what we think, is how we feel....in other words, it's who WE are...
I agree with Kathleen's post, as my cousin worked in a nursing home, and it is unwise to complain to much....very sad, but true....
I know you know all this Luise, due to your spiritual background....however, I also know, when we're going thru something so devestating, it shocks our own systems, and it's difficult to rationalize and understand things....let go, and let things be....life loves us and everything has a purpose for us to recognize, experience and know....
We have a gift, which is life....and the heart of memories....and if we remember those good times....that's what gets us through and lets us know, change, once again is occuring and we must acclimate, and utilize life in a different way now....we can't control it or others....we must learn to sail with the waves...
Sorry for the rant....
Maybe something I've written may help you, maybe not, I just know I wish I could do something to make it all better for you....and all the other ladies here....your all so special and indeed, significant in the whole of things....I've learned so much from you all and am so thankful for you all...
Hugs and love
Creme
