DIL is using grandchildren as a weapon to hurt us

[cremebrulee]

Yeah, Kathleen, what's that all about? DS & DIL don't hesitate to call and come over anytime, but we've never been invited to their home and are rarely invited in (DS will if DIL isn't home) if we find ourselves doing a drop-off or whatever for them (I've told this story a million times here, sorry for doing so yet again.) I see it as a control issue, and a passive-aggressive way of showing us DIL's disdain. They actually did feed and water a stray dog, LOL. I guess that shows us!

It's time for them to move again. Please please please encourage me to stay strong and just say "no!" Although it'd be the only time I'd get to see their new place...no! No!

Daer Pen,
You are the nicest person, with so much to give...
I'm saying, say NO! 

Hugs
Creme

[Pen]

Oh Creme, thanks so much. I do feel stronger!

[cremebrulee]

Oh Creme, thanks so much. I do feel stronger!

I think we gain strength from each other...this forum is a God sent...it really is...wishing you the best always...

[kathleen]

Pen, a friend of mine once gave me this gift of language:

"NO is a sentence!"

Reinforcing NO,

Kathleen

[Pen]

I love that! 

[Hope]

Pen - stay strong.....just say no.
I just love reading your posts!
Hugs, Hope

[luise.volta]

I think we all have to look that word up in the dictionary...and learn to spell and pronounce it. Sending love, Pen.

[Hope]

 

[duvexy]

My Grandsons Mother was never married to my Son and they have shared custody.  I used to be able to get visits for couple of hours and I am certainly lucky to see them all.  Because , I have struggled with family for recognition and for empathy, in which they are not able to provide or understand, my Son refuses to let me see my Grandson as he states "he only has two days", so he spends his time with my son and maybe my sons adoptive parents.  As you see, the pain is very unbearable, as I have a neurological disorder and I have struggled with my emotions and my grief for years.  The other day, my Son called to mock me, as I have called him many times and he refuses to call me back, so I am just ignored.  I did leave a message for him to call his brother and explain that he has a niece who has been born.  My Son goes further to discuss on how he has changed his birth certificate to where my name is no longer on it, and continued to mock me, while laughing on the phone about how I have burned the bridges with my Grandsons Mother.  My second Son and his wife have just had their baby and my Grand daughter has been alive now 3 days and I have not been able to see her either, nor was I able to go to the hospital as I can not drive because I have seizures.  My sister will not take me, my son says I have a created a problem for him, since he is just so busy and has a lot of things to do.  I had a lot of stuff to do when I was raising my children and I my heart is so broken beyond repair.  I feel I just need to resign myself and pretend I have no family at all.  Just thinking about only seeing my family only once a year is just not enough.   I am fully aware that I do not matter to my family and that It is beyond repair.  My family know that I have had seizures for years and that I can not drive to see them, but it is a trouble for them to see me.
There are no buses here yet where I live and I have no way to see them. 
I know I have made some horrible mistakes in my life, but I really truly feel I do not deserve to be exiled and emotionally punished for my bad behavior for the rest of my life.  It is not like my Mother or My Father never made any mistakes, because they did, however I did try to forgive them, and tried to make repairs.  My family and their loved ones they have chosen do not know the meaning of humility, forgiveness and understanding.  They do understand revenge, so that is why I am left with much despair and bitterness watching pictures of my grandchildren on a box on this computer, yet never able to kiss them, hold them or play games with them.
 

[luise.volta]

Welcome, D. Most of us here are looking at the options others have regarding forgiveness. None of us were perfect parents and some of us screwed up big time. It doesn't seem to matter which category we fall into...the choice is for our adult children to make regarding how we are regarded and treated.  Again, most of us here have spent countless hours (years, decades) trying to figure it out and have pretty much decided that doesn't work. We have felt unfairly accused and unjustly judged which has given us grounds for self-pity. We simply can't afford it. In the end...we either elect to save ourselves...to love ourselves and go on or we stay in all of the above. We started out without kids and complete and we can find wholeness again and peace. It doesn't come quickly and it doesn't come and stay for a long time. It's a rocky road where we give each other support and understanding. Blessings, Luise

[duvexy]

Thank you Louise it brings much comfort to know someone has heard my pleas.   :'(

[luise.volta]

Our site is abut no longer being alone...and walking the walk with others who understand. It's truly wonderful.

[chelmsford36]

  QUote from Miss Priss (sorry don't know how to use the proper quoting format, so cut and paste here):

" I think the biggest struggle betwen MILs and DILs is learning how to love the same man in different ways, accepting different roles in his life, and not overstepping the boundaries of the others' roles.  I've seen so many MILs write on here and I've gathered that its just as hard for the MIL to accept that her son loves another woman just as much as he does his mother, as it is for the DIL to accept that the MIL should have a steady SUPPORTIVE (not controlling) role in his life as well.  I also think we're all "battier" than what we're willing to share about ourselves with complete strangers."     

This is the hardest thing to do as a mother of sons and nobody prepares you for this. I have learned that it takes time, a lot of patience and continuous awareness to not let the 'gut feeling' get the better of me. I try and approach everything I do in my life with dignity and grace, but when it comes to dealing with the feeling of not being the 'next of kin' to my son any more it becomes difficult. This is in my view where a lot or problems arise because these things cannot be expressed, they are latent. I do not think I am an possessive or jealous person but deep down inside there is something that gnaws at me and only a lot of patience and the passing of time will heal this. I try to compensate by being very friendly and supportive to DIL but that may come over as not being genuine. So far I can see the grandchildren but I always feel that I am being assessed for my performance.
A keen sense of humour is the best thing that has been given to us humans considering the condition we find ourselves in. Laughing in the face of adversity - now that's a gift.

None but ourselves can free our minds  - indeed! 
   

[luise.volta]

You mention patience and that is a really big part of it for me. I have never thought about the "next of kin" thing in that way and it is VERY helpful. I will never forget it! We created these "adult men" and they were "next of skin!" We brought them into this world and nursed them. We protected, nurtured and taught them. Then they became somebody's husband and the head of a separate household...and we found ourselves on the outside, peering in.

Sending love...