My family is ostricizing me and my husband and we don't know why?

[Denise1234]

  This has been going on for sometime, my mom is 82 years old now, and it started out with just my brother not including
us, on things like when mom's birthday, mother's day ect.  We at that time lived 1 hour away, and we had to again make our own
arrangements with her ect.  Then I found out through my grown son that the whole family was planning a huge birthday party for her, and we had not been invited.  The first thing I did was cry... Then I called my sister in another state, and asked her and sure enough
there was a birthday party happening.  I told her that I wanted to come to it, and then all of the sudden out of the blue, my brother
called and invited us, only 3 days before.  The thursday, before that party, I had a kidney stone, and had to be in the hospital.
So we couldn't go, because I was feeling under the weather, I called her and left a voicemail.  Again, my brother screens all of her
calls, and so does his wife, so therefore, my mom never received the message at all.

So, then my husband and I started just going up to visit her on our own time, without anyone inviting us or anything.

Now, my husband just received a promotion and a transfer thru his job, and we juist moved 600 miles away., and now all of the
sudden, my grown kids 31 and 26 are ostricizing me totally.  They were subtedly mean to me while we were living there, and now
it's horrible!  We have been nothing but kind and good to all of these people.  Why?

Any suggestions.... I have decided to have a cooling off period, suggested by my husband, and just wait for them to call ect.
We've invited them down, given them money, love, ect, advice during hard times.  My husband even helped my son get a job
he was accepted for the job, very very good job, but he turned it down, and is now working pt.

I don't understand these people at all.  I am being treated like I am a criminal and I have never have been.
My husband and I are both Christians, and we believe in love thy neighbor, but I'm telling you this is getting
very bad/.

Help!

[Pooh]

Welcome Denise.  You have come to the right place to vent and get some good advice.  They are several of us here that are having to learn to let go, sit back and remember we can't change people.  It is their choice what they do and yet we continuously beat ourselves up over situations and issues that we can't figure out what we did wrong.  Why?  Because we didn't have to do anything wrong and can still be abused by the people that we love.

Hang in there and I think you are doing great taking a step back and a deep breath.

[luise.volta]

Cooling off is good. And there's no understanding what doesn't make sense. We have to know that it's not ours or about us and lower our expectations. Time to turn toward what works and away from pathology. Sending love...

[bellabell]

I know I am new - just today - but can feel your heat ache.  Being cut out of the family is hard but sometimes you just have to make a new life and move on.  I get comfort with my new friends that are turning into my new family. 

After your cooling off period, call everyone once - tell them how you feel and that you will live life with them or without.  It really is their choice.  BUT make sure you cut off the money strings too. 

Your grandchildren will grow up and one day you will have another chance with them.  These parents are not teaching them the values of sticking together and one day it will come back and bite them because they will do it to them. 

[luise.volta]

You may be new BB, but that was a wise post and you are going to fit right in! 

[Sassy]

Hi Denise I am very sorry for your pain.  The birthday party story made me feel your sadness. 

Congratulations on the move.  Sometimes a little distance is a very good thing! 

It's an exciting time, though relocating takes a lot of work and transitions can be scary.  But moving is a good excuse to meet new people and chat them up wherever you go.
Your husband is lucky to have your support.

You mention the distance from the family a few times. I wonder if it's possible that your brother resented when you got out of your hometown (so to speak), and he stayed behind (if that was the case).  Some families do take moving away as rejection.  Or with envy the moving person because they view them as escaping from the real world.  I think this is true on large and small scale.   Some places an hour car ride is considered far away.  I work with more than several kind, intelligent people whose parents are "mad" at them for moving to fulfill their dreams (and earn a living, hello).  Their parents act as if they don't understand that leaving India is not rejecting India or them, and it causes them heartache.  Their parents educated and disciplined them to be the best, at the top of their class, and so naturally they persue the top of their field.  Their parents love them, but they react to their family who moved away, as if they have been abandoned.   As if their child working 14-16 hour days and sending more than half their earnings back, is persuing a life of American frivolity.  The parents do want the best for their children, and expected their excellence would or could take them far away, I believe, but still find themselves acting out as if they have been rejected when they haven't.  My co-workers seem to take a very tender approach with their parents when the parents are expressing their "illogical" (as if the heart is logical) disappointment. 

I wondered your grown kids have used the immature apprach of become more distant to help them separate from moving, even though they seem a bit older or that, they might not be aware if that's why they're doing it.  The way things were going, I think the distance will help the healing.  600 miles might be more that they're able to travel down, so I hope, when it's right, you will be able to go up, especially to see your mom.

[Pen]

Welcome, Denise. What a stressful time for you, but I hope things sort themselves out and you can find joy in your new surroundings. As others have said, do good things for DH & yourself. Take care.

[Pen]

Bell, welcome. Good post!

[GrandmaShermie]

This has happened to me with my 32 y.o. daughter after she married her husband's "best friend."  I was hurt and shocked and tried to make her talk to me.  She would not talk to me on the phone, only an occasional email, and behaved as if I was not good enough for her. She told me she was "too busy" to call or visit (we live in the same town).  This meant I lacked access to my grandchildren, to whom I was very close.

I finally realized what was happening, after doing a little sleuthing.  My daughter has a substance abuse problem. She was a user for years, but her current husband has assisted her in becoming addicted. I believe the problem is alcohol, marijuana, but also heavy duty prescription drugs.  This is so common in today's society.  We are becoming a nation of addicts.

Unfortunately, until and unless a person wants to change and do right, no one can help them.  I am not saying this is precisely what is going on with you, but the truth is that when people do this to you it is because they are engaging in activities with which you would not "fit in."  This is really a compliment to your good character.  I have made God my best friend and try to stay strong. I no longer beat my head against the wall trying to make my daughter be someone she cannot currently be.  And I pray that she will return to her old self. It isn't your fault

[guitaristmom]

I can empthasize with your frustration.   This is your mother and your brother is screening her calls?   My older sister and younger sister do that to me with my mom.   I can't just directly call her. It has to be set up and then there's no privacy. Both of my sisters have to listen in on the phone call.  So much for valuing mom's independence and privacy.    Elders should be respected in that regard. Your brother's leaving you out sounds like my older sister who leaves me out. She was looking at assisted living situations with mom while my daughter was at her house (daughter brought mom to live with her when my health was impaired by hypertension), and she told my daughter "don't tell mom we are looking at assisted living for mom".

It feels that as a child of this mom, that I, and you, should have all the information about mom that we need to have, just as your sibling does, just as my sibling does.    Also, we should freely be able to talk to our mothers whenever they and we want.

I wonder if in these cases there are financial reasons for ocstracization from elderly mother?  In my case there could be.  If I dwelt on it it would make me nuts, so I have to remove myself from it emotionally.