I'm going to give you my two cents...however, please know, what I say here may be difficult for you to process...it may hurt a little, it may not...but please know, I write these things with great concern and sincerity, not to hurt you, but to help if I can...and please know, I also may be way off base and wrong...only you know the answers to that...and you know what you have to do...but here's my input...I don't know your family or how you've parented...so, I could be wrong.
I think we try to give our kids way to much....our parents couldn't afford to give us all the material things kids have today, and I believe that is the difference...we tried or try to give them more then we had and it's wrong and here's why.
When children get everything they want, they don't know how to deal with disappointments, and life situations that are unpleasant...plus, they get very boared easily with "things".
I worked since I was 13 years old and had to turn over any money I made to my mother...I didn't mind, it helped put food on the table...honestly, it never bothered me...what bothered me was working weekends, while all my friends were driving around town...however, as much as it did hurt, it didn't kill me, and I was in a safe place instad of some kids car...and by the way, when we were kids...most of us worked and saved for our own cars and helped out with the expenses.
I learned that working was not only helping out at home, but learning good social skills with people. I think every child should have to work when they are 16...get a job, learn how to save money, learn how to budget....also learned, to do without if I didn't have the money to pay for it...today, kids get cell phones that they're parents pay for, cars...computers, they've got it all, and not once do they learn, how to pay for things they have...so they take it for granted, that when they want something, it's going to simply be there...someone will get it for them.
My mother did not come to my high school graduation...she couldn't she had to work....and when your daughter says she doesn't want her dad to come, then tough love her and don't' go. She knows you well, and she also knew he would come....and if she treats him nasty, then he ought to leave....period.
What your doing is feeding into her manipulation, making yourselves a victim.
You've heard the old saying, respect has to be earned...well, your not earning it in your daughters eyes...you give her way to much...you love her way to much...and that's ok, however, in doing so, in giving children...and to me a child is a child until they are 18...and then they are still very immature to the ways of the world.
Life is very difficult...challenging, filled with disappointments and hurts...and if we don't teach our children that....they will have a very hard time of it.
If daughters are taken care of...then, they will look for someone to take care of them in the way of a husband, and might not be as selective as they should be....why, b/c they feel it's time to get married and they want someone to take care of them as you have...they are used to being provided for....
Girls need to be taught responsibility...need to know what it's like to work, be independent and provide for themselves...not have someone else provide for them....they need to know how to cook, clean, take care of they're own cars...how it is maintained...oil change every 3,000 miles, transmission fluid changed every 50,000 miles, and how to change a tire, etc. They need to know household duties...like how important it is to change the filters on the heating and air conditioning units every 3 - 6 months...how to shut off the water, how to save on electric...how to buy wisely...purchasing energy efficient items...how to shop around before hiring a contractor to come in and do work, and what items cost, so that when they do hire a contractor, they know they're being robbed. They need to be taught , yes, they are pretty, however, you can't get by on just looks...there has got to be more way more inside...and they need to learn to be self sufficient, self providing and how to take care of themselves, not marry, just to have someone take over your job...that isn't they're life's purpose.
These are life preventative maintenance issues, that need to be taught to our girl children...as well as learning to work to maintain they're cars...to help pay for the insurance, the car payments...it won't kill them, it will help them....we spoil our kids today so much so, that when they get out in the world, they don't know how to survive.
They also need to understand, it isn't about the clothes, the hair, the nails or pedicures...that isn't what makes a person. When I was a child, I never had near all these things...and today, girl children are given the best clothes, and it's wrong...you don't want your child to go to school undressed, however, over dressing them hurts them....and parents need to realize, by giving them the best of everything, spoils them and they don't know how to do without. They must learn how to do without, it is essential...we raise our children to be very high maintenance and create monsters for they're future husbands with no concept of how much things cost....
And please understand, please, I'm not saying you've done all these things...but putting them out there from what I see happening now...not with you, but with my own friends grand daughters...not saying you have done this...however, you have got to be honest with yourself es and ask yourselves, have we loved our daughter to much?
Your daughter is acting like this, b/c she can....b/c she knows she can get away with it....so what do you do...? In order to obtain back some control, you have to change your attitudes and stop loving her so much...let her make her own mistakes...stop trying to prevent her from making them...and stop giving her everything....and if you went to a good counselor, I bet he'd tell you the same thing...and I think you should go to counseling to learn how to say no to your daughter....
If a parent is having a problem like this with they're child...changes are it's all behavioral and they are the way they are b/c the parents couldn't deal with discipline, and/or gave them everything they wanted...when we become parents, we are young ourselves, and we never think about the implementation, our parenting skills have on our children....I believe all of us, every parent, wants to make life easier on they're own kids.
My foster mom and dad, explained to us the importance of why we needed to get jobs...now, my foster sisters and brother, didn't have to turn they're money over to they're parents...however, they were taught to sit down and budget they're money made, they were taught it's not the amount you save, it's that you put something away every week. Today, kids are taught, it's ok to buy stuff on credit...when you don't have the money and that is sooooo wrong.
Please understand...I'm not scolding you, I'm just being honest....I know, some people come into this forum and only want to vent, they really don't want honest answers...we recently witnessed that in another woman's post. So, what you've got to ask yourself, is...do I want to solve this problem, the best way I can, or do I simply want to complain about it, and hope for the best, that she see's the light and changes...she is not going to change on her own...you have to guide her with tough love and changing your attitudes. And it isn't easy...but, you must keep remembering, it's b/c you love her...you're not being mean, your parenting, and parenting is sometimes very difficult...heartbreaking and painful. I can't tell you how many times I said to myself....God, if I only knew then, what I know now...and my son isn't a bad person by far...however, I could have done better....I was a child myself when I had him....so immature...so unknowing to the ways of the world...so naive...I thought life was a storybook...? Sheeesh....while my foster mom was such a good person...she was so naive to the ways of the world...which really implemented us...she never got out there and worked, and learned how to deal with people....and we didn't go much anywhere...so, travel was not an experience....all these things and much more, prepare our children for life....and that is our responsibility...so, my suggestion would be, if you want to change things...then find a good counselor, one that is going to teach you, how to teach your child, that she is being disrespectful, annoying, belligerent and cruel....that you just don't treat people like this....if you don't get this across to her somehow, she will really have a difficult time in life...she actually thinks it's ok to be like this...and you have to change that, if you can.
Please know, my heart goes out to you...
I'm not the kind of person who is going to tell you what you'd like to hear...but rather, my own view points, from my own life experiences...and some people don't like that...if you want to vent, I understand, but if you really want answers on how to change this situation around, it's going to take some very hard changes on your part...determination, diligence and tough love....but I believe it can be done...there isn't anything we can't do if we put our minds down to it....the whole jest of it is...you...do you want to change things? Because if you do...your going to have to stop what your doing and learn a whole new way of dealing with her....try and look at this like a whole new lesson of life, your going to have to learn....and we will learn until the day we die...we never stop learning....there is much opportunity here for you and your husband, and much peace at the end of the road....change isn't easy...however, change is a very necessary part of life....
I wish you much success with this...I know that it can be done, with much perseverance and commitment....
Love and hugs
Creme
