I'm a DIL who is estranged from her ILs. To abridge a previously posted long story, it started when my DH and I were dating and he became ill. My ILs treated me and my husband horribly. They attempted on multiple occasions to convince me to leave the hospital and then tried to get me barred from the hospital because they said they felt that it was a time for family only. My boyfriend wanted me there, so I stayed and the hospital said that as an adult my DH could decide who he wanted there. They constantly attempted to undermine my DH's medical decisions by trying to talk him into changing them, trying to tell the nurses that he actually wanted something different, and trying to intercept forms and sign them as if they had the authority to do so. The basic fight always boiled down to the fact that I reflected my DH’s adulthood (He could choose if I stayed, he and I called them to tell them he was hospitalized, he and I discussed treatment plans, etc) while (in my opinion) they were clinging to the idea that DH was still a little boy. I will grant that this was a stressful time for them, but I also believe that the character of people isn't determined by the hardships they have but whether or not they handle them with grace.
Things continued to go downhill during the wedding planning and subsequent years of our marriage. My DH and I maintain a relationship where we each bear the responsibility of “handling” our family of origin. It made the most sense to us because we are each uniquely aware of what is important (and unimportant) to the respective families and are therefore best equipped to satisfy the needs of our respective families. For a variety of reasons, my ILs were unhappy with the amount of visits, gifts, and other deference they were being given. At this point, I was only maintaining a relationship for my DH, while he was becoming annoyed but still open to a relationship. A blow up between them and him over them not feeling included enough angered him since he had been doing his best, and he became estranged and contact ceased.
Fast forward almost 3 years later…DH and I now have a daughter. While we dislike the fact that our daughter has not and will not meet her grandparents on my DH’s side, we don’t know of a reasonable way to restart the relationship when nothing on their part has changed. We are neither willing nor able to give them the role that they want to have (ie, they still want to be the parents…to have input on which job my DH and I take, what car we buy, where we spend our holidays), and I imagine that this behavior will only increase in severity with the presence of our daughter instead of decrease. If anyone has any suggestions on how to get this relationship to work, I’m all ears, so please feel free to chime in. So far we’ve tried joint counseling with our priest prior to DH and I’s marriage, DH has explained to them numerous times when something occurs that is unacceptable, and we have both tried “letting it slide” only to have the level of neediness that comes from them ratchet up a notch each time we give them an inch.
This past week we received an invitation to DH’s cousin’s wedding. It is addressed to all three of us. I know that MIL and FIL will be there. DH’s cousin has said she would really love for all three of us to be there. I tried the “I worry DD will disturb the wedding” to be told she would rather have DD there than have a silent exchange of vows. Even if it doesn’t happen this time, there are going to be events where we must co-exist without a scene occurring. So how do I do this? How do you get (or can you get) a civil relationship with two people who expect to be integrated into every aspect of your marriage (yes, I do mean every. My MIL once asked me about DH and I’s sex life). To be totally honest, DH and I have no idea how to get the relationship we want (friendly but with healthy boundaries), so it’s easier to just not associate with them than it is to keep saying no and hearing the lectures and whining and crying.
So my questions are…. Do you see a way to “fix” this relationship? If not, do you think there’s a way for us to both attend a party without causing a scene (to clarify, DH and I aren’t planning to cause one, but we anticipate the ILs will come over and try to engage us). If not, then how much information would you give when declining to explain to the host that it’s not because we don’t love them but that we don’t want to create a spectacle without it venturing into gossip?
