Confused, Bewildered and have no idea how to proceed

[Bewildered]

Hi all - Here's my story.

My first natural grandchild was born last September - my sons son.  He lives 400 miles away and I have made 4 trips out there to see the baby.  I only met the mother (my sons girlfriend) once before I found out she was pregnant.  Over the past year I have felt increased hostility from her.  They live in a house her mother owns, and on each visit I have felt more uncomfortable.  I told my son before the last visit that I felt very unwelcome there.  My son and I have always had a close loving relationship.  He is 29.  He told me a couple things I did that bothered her - like writing "love mom2" on cards.  I felt that our problem was simply a lack of knowing each other.  The love mom2 was simply my way of accepting her in my life. She appears to make my son happy and that makes me happy.

This last week-end was HORRIBLE!!!  the girlfriend gave me dirty looks at almost everything I said and would leave the room when I came in.  I decided to confront her as I believe the best way to handle problems is to discuss them.  I believed that if I only knew what I was doing wrong that I could fix it.  Boy was I wrong!!!  The girl absolutely hates me.  For what I have no idea.  She stated that I did not know how to hold babies. (I'm 50 and have held tons of babies - actually over 40 that I counted from my close friends and family).  That every time I held the baby she cried because she thinks I hurt him.  That I'm not as close to my son as I like to believe I am.  That I really don't care about the baby because if I did I would visit at least 2 x month - who cares about the 7 hour drive (1 way) and the $150. for gas .. plus whatever.  She said that my son could NEVER bring the baby to my house. She said twirling her hand in the air "Whoopdy doo" you bought a bassinet for the baby.  I have bought the baby hundreds of dollars of clothes, formula and other supplies. Never with one single "thank You" from the girl.  I have never in my life felt so much hatred aimed towards me.  I am usually described by everyone as loving, giving and caring.  I am also a very forgiving person.  I have often set my feelings aside for the sake of the people I love.

I was raised with a large family and married into a large family.  I was used to a lot of family and big family get togethers etc.  Most of my family has passed on.  I left my husband after 20 years and therefore lost his family.  I am very tired of losing people in life.  My heart has been broken so much.  After she lashed out at me, the joy of being a grandma left.  I am terrified of loving him and attempting to be a part of his life when I know that she will probably tell him horrible things about me.  My mom did this to me and I always felt "guilty" for loving my paternal grandma because of all the bad things I heard.  I never was really close to her.  I feel that if I give my heart to the baby that my heart will be ripped apart and I don't know that I could deal with that type of grief. 

I told my son that my main concern was maintaining my relationship with him. I told him I would go there and rent a hotel room and he could come visit with me.  Naturally this will incur more cost on my part.  My son understands that - but he is very upset that he feels like I am disowning the baby.  He says that the baby is half his.  I'm not disowning him - I just am afraid to give him my heart.   I have taken down all the pictures of the baby from my home - because it hurts too bad.  I am trying to find a counselor who can see me.  I know that whatever decisions and choices I make right now will have a big impact on the rest of my life, my sons life and my grandsons life.  And and all advice is welcome.

[Pen]

Bewildered, I'm not very good at giving advice. So sorry you have to deal with this. Someone here will have something wise to say, I'm sure. Best wishes.

[Marilyn]

Welcome Bewildered,I feel your heart ache.I truly understand your hurt and pain.Sounds like your sons girl friend is very insecure and jealous.Her behaviour is very inappropriate.This has nothing to do with you.It's her own inner turmoil.Try not to let her see it bothers you.Dont react,and its very hard at first to do this.Do try to get into counseling,this will help you,and this site also is extremely helpful.There are so many wonderfully wise women here.Please know we care,and will give you lots of support.

Sending you a big hug

[Bewildered]

Thanks penstamen and Mominwating.

Mominwaiting - you say not to "let her see it". Are you saying you believe the best course of action is to continue to go to her house (I wont ever spend the night there) but to go there say for the baby's birthday or something and to just be polite to her and not let her looks and hateful energy bother me?  I was almost thinking of banning her home totally .... But then again my son is in the process of buying a home for them that will totally be in his name - so it will be his house.

[Marilyn]

Bewildered,only go there if you feel strong enough.If you think it will cause you to much distress,i would get a motel.When you go see the baby,if you can stay calm,not let her see that what she is saying gets you upset.She wont enjoy acting that way.What ever she says,know she is only trying to hurt you.When it doesn't hurt you...........that really hurts her.Bully's quit when you dont respond.

Hope this helps.hang in here,with us


Sending love and hugs

[Nana]

Bewildered:

I am sure that you will get better advice than mine because I learned the hard way that you cannot change people.  We do not have the power of having someone like us or accept us.  I did take a lot from her and was humble and the harder she push me away, the harder I tried to win her love or respect or acceptance.  We paid for their honeymoon, we paid more than half of delivery costs, we clean their house while son and dil where on their honeymoon (son asked me to do it).  We would never visit uninvited, we never offered advice, but she knew we loved the baby madly.   She did not even like me to hold the baby.  She was staring at me with in a way that I felt she hated me.   We did babysit for them but everything we did was wrong.   

It was until I could not bear it anymore and was depressed to the extend of asking God to take me.  I did not want to wake up in the morning.  I would cry all day.  Until I said ""enough.......God is not going to please you.  You will be here tomorrow, and the day after tomorrow."  So I did have the power of changing myself...of loving myself and "having the courage of walking away (explaining to my son the reasons of not wanting to be in their lives anymore).     

This is what worked for me.   He supported and understood my decision .  He and I cried and he said that he would be in my life and would bring me the baby often.     This is when things changed for me.  I got lucky and she realized that I only wanted to be her baby's grandmother and that I had done nothing to disrespect her (at least not voluntarily).  Now things are pretty good.  I respect her decisions, she loves to bring the baby over and I babysit for them at least once a week. 

Why should you tolerate her behavior  Are you getting something in exchange?  r.  Our dignity does not have a price.     This is only my experience but I do not want you to suffer humiliation like I did. Your heart has been broken many times and I do understand you need this to work out...but dont let them break your heart again. God Bless You.

[Bewildered]

Thanks Nana,

The interesting thing is that  I am pretty self confident. I have been severely depressed in  my life and have grown tremendously. After my mom died in 92, I went through a lot of counseling.  This is where I truly began seeing that the only thing I can ever control or change is myself - my own actions, words, thoughts and feelings.  I really don't care that she doesn't like me.  My main concern is how it is hurting my son and protecting my heart at the same time.  People have always told me I wear my feelings on my sleeve - this is why I'm not sure how much I could hide my feelings while I was around her.  But, I guess practice does make perfect.

I haven't yet talked to my son about this.  I know that a resolution needs to be made.  I do have an appt today with a counselor - which is good.  Right now I'm leaning towards just going to Phoenix and renting a hotel room. My son will come see me - I know - and leave it up to him how much he brings the baby.  So far I have let my daughter be the middle man so to speak.  She understands my feelings and can share with my son without getting emotional.  I believe that right now it gives us time to calm down and think rationally.

This situation really blows my mind because never in a million years could I have envisioned this.

Thanks everyone for your support, comments and prayers.

[Pen]

Never in a million years - I couldn't have envisioned my situation, either. It all came as such a shock, but I'm learning...slowly.

[Nana]

Bewildered:

You are handling things fine.  You will be staying in the hotel and letting your son do the rest.  I am also a very emotional person and I know being like this has caused me pain and why not say it "more trouble".   I also never envisioned what would happened to me.  My mother was an excellent mil to my sisters-in-law.  My sils' loved my mother deeply and she got to enjoy her grancchildren to the most.    My mil still llives (90).  She is like a second mother to me.  She has been sweet, supportive.  My husband even jokes with the fact that her mother loves me more than him.   I took it for granted that that was the way these relationship (in-laws) were.  I never in a hundred years did I think that this new generation felt differently. 

Pen:

I think that this situation we did not envisioned is like a bonus....some get it, some dont.  We were the lucky ones....ha ha

[luise.volta]

I would back off and not stay there again unless asked to. No one needs to set themselves up to be treated with such hatred no matter who's name is on the title of the house. Things seldom stay the same and often the less you say and do the better they turn out (but not always.) I would not have my daughter involved with the negotiations in any way. That could end badly. It is your issue.

You cannot enter someone else's nightmare. It is never going to make sense. It is real to your DIL. She really thinks all of the awful stuff. You know who and what you are but to her you are something entirely different. I would back off and let her work through it or not. It is hers.

[cremebrulee]

Hi all - Here's my story.

My first natural grandchild was born last September - my sons son.  He lives 400 miles away and I have made 4 trips out there to see the baby.  I only met the mother (my sons girlfriend) once before I found out she was pregnant.  Over the past year I have felt increased hostility from her.  They live in a house her mother owns, and on each visit I have felt more uncomfortable.  I told my son before the last visit that I felt very unwelcome there.  My son and I have always had a close loving relationship.  He is 29.  He told me a couple things I did that bothered her - like writing "love mom2" on cards.  I felt that our problem was simply a lack of knowing each other.  The love mom2 was simply my way of accepting her in my life. She appears to make my son happy and that makes me happy.

This last week-end was HORRIBLE!!!  the girlfriend gave me dirty looks at almost everything I said and would leave the room when I came in.  I decided to confront her as I believe the best way to handle problems is to discuss them.  I believed that if I only knew what I was doing wrong that I could fix it.  Boy was I wrong!!!  The girl absolutely hates me.  For what I have no idea.  She stated that I did not know how to hold babies. (I'm 50 and have held tons of babies - actually over 40 that I counted from my close friends and family).  That every time I held the baby she cried because she thinks I hurt him.  That I'm not as close to my son as I like to believe I am.  That I really don't care about the baby because if I did I would visit at least 2 x month - who cares about the 7 hour drive (1 way) and the $150. for gas .. plus whatever.  She said that my son could NEVER bring the baby to my house. She said twirling her hand in the air "Whoopdy doo" you bought a bassinet for the baby.  I have bought the baby hundreds of dollars of clothes, formula and other supplies. Never with one single "thank You" from the girl.  I have never in my life felt so much hatred aimed towards me.  I am usually described by everyone as loving, giving and caring.  I am also a very forgiving person.  I have often set my feelings aside for the sake of the people I love.

I was raised with a large family and married into a large family.  I was used to a lot of family and big family get togethers etc.  Most of my family has passed on.  I left my husband after 20 years and therefore lost his family.  I am very tired of losing people in life.  My heart has been broken so much.  After she lashed out at me, the joy of being a grandma left.  I am terrified of loving him and attempting to be a part of his life when I know that she will probably tell him horrible things about me.  My mom did this to me and I always felt "guilty" for loving my paternal grandma because of all the bad things I heard.  I never was really close to her.  I feel that if I give my heart to the baby that my heart will be ripped apart and I don't know that I could deal with that type of grief. 

I told my son that my main concern was maintaining my relationship with him. I told him I would go there and rent a hotel room and he could come visit with me.  Naturally this will incur more cost on my part.  My son understands that - but he is very upset that he feels like I am disowning the baby.  He says that the baby is half his.  I'm not disowning him - I just am afraid to give him my heart.   I have taken down all the pictures of the baby from my home - because it hurts too bad.  I am trying to find a counselor who can see me.  I know that whatever decisions and choices I make right now will have a big impact on the rest of my life, my sons life and my grandsons life.  And and all advice is welcome.

Dear Bewildered, you are taking the right steps and sound like your doing all you can to get thru this...amazing how some people don't give a thought to being cruel to others...

Couseling is wise, and do it soon...to learn not only how to deal with your feelings, but also how to deal with her...and actually after reading you, I believe you'll figure it out....

I also believe your doing the right thing about staying in a motel...just make sure your son realizes, how important it is for you to spend time with him and the GC when your there....make plans ahead...and if she shows up with him, ignore her bad manners, don't make the time miserable for your son....don't put him in the middle...and tell you how you feel..that you don't want to make the matter worse for him, and if he has any suggestions, you'd really like to hear them....reassure him that you will work it out the best you can...and never say anything negative about his wife....don't expect him to side with your feelings...he can't....if he does, he'd feel disloyal to her...and I know your his mom, but you have to undersand, while our sons love us dearly, they love they're wives more in a different way...accept that...know it and understand it...it's not a personal attack against you...it's just how things are....it's nature...and very natural...and what any loving mother would want for they're son...remember back to the days when you married, and how less important your parents became to you...not that  you loved them any less, however, you didn't have the time you once had for them...and your husband became your prioirty...

By understanding, and not reacting in anger, or in hate, you will in your heart, always have peace and win this battle....within self....and that is the only thing that is important here, never do or say anything out of kilter, or nasty or to get even...not even once...

In the meantime, consentrate on your own life...don't allow anyone ever to dictate your happiness....decide what is your happiness and continue to pursue dreams....make things happen for you....do things you've always wanted to do, in small steps....one small step at a time...get interested in other people....community functions, serving perhaps on some board in your neighborhood, volenteering for a charity, however, change your life, and your attitude...it's time...it's time you live for you and don't waste any time on saddness and fear....realize, this woman is bullying you, and see it for what it is...a sheer waste, and no matter what, you are not going to allow someone else to bring you down to they're level...don't ever act out in a negative way towards her, continue being who you are, and change your attitude towards her, by understanding what a very sad human being she must be....how angry she must be....to treat other people without a shard of self respect...you see, she doesn't respect herself, therefore, she cannot respect anyone else...you cannot give what you've never known?

Does any of this make any sense?

Creme