My oldest daughter seems to look for reasons for which she can punish me. She then tells me I will not see my grandchildren until she lifts her punishment. This punishment is never of any set length but usually lasts about 5 or 6 months at a time. One punishment 2 yrs ago came after she had her 3rd child. I was very excited to see the baby and my younger daughter was due in from the airport, due to arrive at my oldest daughter's house at a certain time & my oldest daughter said I could come over at that time. I had an afternoon costume party which she was aware of & she knew I'd be stopping by to see her & my youngest daughter after the party. Since her house was located between the party location & my house I came directly from the party to my oldest daughter's home. When I got there my youngest daughter had not yet arrived from the airport, but was due any minute. My oldest daughter was enraged that I had not gone home to change out of my costume before coming to her house. I wasn't wearing anything revealing & had no makeup or mask; it was just an ankle-length solid black dress. There were no other people at her house, nor were any expected. It was just her, my 14 yr old grandson & her new baby, with my middle grandson (8 yrs) expected home from school on the school bus any time.
My oldest daughter insisted I drive all the way home immediately & change into everyday clothes because she said my costume might scare her children (my grandchildren). It was close to Halloween, a holiday she celebrates with relish, with plenty of frightening decorations outside & inside her house, & a multi-room haunted house set up in her cul-de-sac by all the neighbors for all to enjoy. It was rather strange that with all the frightening things she herself would engage in & foist upon her own children, that she insisted my costume was the one thing not allowed.
I didn't want to leave as my youngest daughter would arrive any minute & as I hadn't seen her for months I wanted to be there when she arrived. But my daughter insisted, so I got in my car & headed out of her cul-de-sac. As I neared the corner my middle grandson's bus let him off at the corner. I pulled my car over to the curb & parked. As he walked down the sidewalk toward home I simply got out & said hello. He saw my costume & laughed & said hi. I laughed also & asked him "Aren't you scared?" He said no, that he knew it was me & laughed some more. I laughed & said in a jovial way that his mom said she thought he might get scared. He said "noooo!" I told him I had to go home & change clothes but that I'd be back as soon as I could.
When I arrive back at my daughter's house my younger daughter was already there & had been for a while. I was eager to see her & after I was let in the house I rushed over to give her a hug. She was very dismissive & didn't seem to want to even greet me. And my oldest daughter was angry. She was so angry that I had let my middle grandson see my costume that she was now refusing to let me see my new granddaughter and was refusing to talk to me. I was shocked. I tried not to let it bother me and tried to just make the best of it before I had to return home.
Later that evening when my husband arrived home he told me he had stopped by to see our daughters & all the grandkids. A few days previously our daughter had said we could come over that weekend to see everyone. But when we went over at the time she had given permission she was hiding in her bedroom with all our grandchildren, including her new baby. She had told our youngest daughter that she could tell us my husband could come see her, but that I would not be allowed to see my grandchildren ever again and she didn't want to hear from me at all. I was in tears. I had brought a nice present over for her new baby & my youngest daughter took that from me, but told me I wouldn't be seeing her again either. She was "backing up" my older daughter on this she said. I was in tears. But my husband was angry with me for "violating" my daughter's "order" when she didn't want anyone to see my costume. I was crying so much & my younger daughter said "bye." I didn't want to leave; I wanted to figure out what I could do to solve the problem, but this just made my husband more angry & he said they didn't want me there & I had to leave. He yanked me out of the house.
Thanksgiving Day my husband went over to my oldest daughter's house & was given his favorite pie. And he spent a couple of hours with them until finally coming home to me. He did not see anything wrong with his seeing his grandchildren while my daughter was still insisting I would never see them again.
I was finally able to get him to agree not to spend time with her while she was ostracizing me. She continued her punishment of me for 4 more months, while my husband would send her emails & complain that he was "collateral damage." When my DH's birthday came she relented & allowed us to come over together to eat a birthday cake & dinner she had made him.
Once in a while (about once every 3 months) she would let us come over to see our grandchildren, but she would never allow me near any of my grandchildren without her or her husband in the same room. My husband was allowed such freedom, but not me. The next Christmas we brought loads of gifts to them as I had 2 yrs worth saved up. A few months later we went out of state to see our youngest daughter & her husband & her now 2 children. The entire time there she had us take her places for her regular appointments or babysitting while she went off to something on her own. But if I needed anything or wanted to just go across the street to see something for even 5 minutes she would get very adamant that she "did not have time." We'd been in this other state for 6 days & hadn't seen a thing other than what she told us we had time to go see (which up til then was nothing). She also told us which projects she needed done around her house & was quite uncomplimentary toward her husband who hadn't had time to be her sole support and complete all the projects. If I did something not quite right she would chide me & when I bought her something & gave it to her she insisted she didn't want it & that I return it to the store. Eventually I told my husband I was uncomfortable enough that I didn't think I could stay, he immediately insisted we leave, so we left & got a hotel for our last couple of days there. She is still taking revenge. Her sister has joined her in this. They both are refusing to communicate with me. While she was in town for a scheduled visit 4 months ago we dropped by my oldest daughter's house and this time our youngest daughter hid in the bedroom with all our grandchildren & we were not allowed to see any of them. Eventually we were able to get them to come to a therapy session with me so we could talk. They spent the entire hour just going through a list of things from their childhood where they said I had said something that made them feel bad. Then they told my therapist that they were "taking a break from me." I realized this was mostly because my granddaughter's birthday was in a few days & since her birth my daughter has done her best to make sure I could not be there. Thanksgiving, Christmas, & months later with absolutely no communication from them to me at all (although once again they communicate with my husband over the internet) I am still waiting for them to be done with their "taking a break from me." My husband's birthday is next week so maybe they will end their ostracism long enough to celebrate.
My husband says he just knew that anything with me visiting them is doomed from the start. He says I "don't respect them." But he can't tell me what that means or what I do wrong. He just keeps saying "you don't respect them."
I am so tired of the cruelty from them. And the therapist I was going to just was no help at all. My oldest daughter had her wrapped around her finger by the end of 55 minutes.
I never would have even had the thought of keeping my children from my mother, or of "punishing" my mother for something. I just don't understand how they can be so cruel. My husband doesn't want to hear from me when I tell him how much this hurts. He says he doesn't see why I should love our grandchildren because I don't know them. I don't understand how he can say this. My heart is just breaking. I can't find any books that discuss daughters treating their mother like this.
Does anyone else have this problem?