My Family Is Falling Apart

[BellasMomMom]

I'm so drained I don't want to get out of bed. I'm sick with chrons disease, RA, diabetes, thyroid disease & a degenerative spine. I suffer from severe chronic back pain. I'm 47 but I feel like I'm 87. I'm also the caregiver of my 83yo father who has slight dementia and I HAVE NO HELP! My mother passed in 2009. I moved in while she was sick & took care of her until she passed. Afterwards I stayed to care for my dad. Then my brother stopped talking to me. I truly don't know why. He's a very angry person. I've reached out to him several times but he's cut me out of his life. He's never been back to see my father since. We're both adopted but he's the only sibling I have. My mother was a beautiful, loving woman and ALL of our hearts broke when she died.

I have 2 adult daughters that I raised alone. Their father left when they were young and chose not to be in their lives. My oldest is 31, the youngest is 26. My 31yo has always had issues. I've come to believe she's bipolar. I also think she's abusing drugs. I took her to therapists & psychiatrists throughout her teen years but she wouldn't stick with any of them. She had a very hard time dealing with her father's abandonment. My 26yo was my "good" kid. Always helped me, did her chores, excelled in school, rarely gave me a problem. She was just easier than her sister so we got along better. This has caused a lot of jealousy & resentment from my older daughter. I love them both the same and have always given them the same things equally, including my love & time. I'm far from a perfect parent but I did the best I could.

My youngest daughter (YD) became pregnant in her last year of college so she decided to quit school. This all happened a month before my mother fell ill. My grand daughter was born 3 months after my mother died. She was the light that our family needed and help put joy into my broken heart. My YD & GD lived with me & my father up until 6 months ago. It was really devastating to me when they left but I also gave her full support because I was happy for her to move into her "new life". My oldest daughter (OD) moved in with us 1 year ago. She's a mess. She contributes nothing to the household (money or chores) and spends most of her time in bed, depressed. She bartends several nights a week and stays out for days at a time. If I say anything to her she thinks I'm picking on her. I think she's on drugs but she denies it. I've tried to get her to go back to therapy or into rehab but she won't. It's a constant battle. I've asked her to leave and have tried to help her get a plan together to move out but she refuses. I want her to get help but I truly don't know if I could put her on the streets. My heart is so broken over this. I worry about her constantly. My father just wants peace so I try to keep my mouth shut but inside I'm screaming. She's a LARGE reason why my YD moved out.

After my YD left our relationship began to strain. Her boyfriend is disrespectful & condescending but I've gone above & beyond to get along with him. I've bitten my tongue so many times it's bled. I felt like there was already enough turmoil in my life & I didn't want to lose the only ally I had in my YD. But he's become more disrespectful since they moved in together & my YD started going along with him. I think he's intimidated by the relationship I have with my YD. She told me that he said we were too close & she needed to cut the cord. He's an only child and his parents are VERY VERY involved in his and their life. They also give them anything they need and have my GD several days/nights a week. My YD used to let me have my GD whenever I wanted and keep her over night. So I tried to take her at least once a week, no matter how bad I was feeling. Then I noticed anything I did with my GD my YD's boyfriend would act jealous & try to one up me. I know that sounds petty but I don't know how else to explain it. I bought GD a small computer for her 1st bday and asked my YD if it was OK beforehand. When he found out he was furious. His face was beat red when they opened it. He leered at me & said "I wanted to buy her first computer". It was really uncomfortable. The next day he bought her a bigger, more expensive computer. I took my GD on the train into the city...the next weekend they took her on the train into the city. I took her to the library to see the trains, next weekend they did the same thing. I bought her disney figurines, he bought the same set but 2 other sets too. I bought her a 2nd hand playhouse for my yard, he went and bought a new one that was twice as big. He makes sure to tell me about it too. It's actually kind of funny but sick at the same time. I couldn't go with her to the zoo until he took her first, or any place else he hasn't taken her to first. I took her to the YMCA for swim lessons. The next week his father started taking her to the library for classes. There are too many incidents to list here but I've never experienced anything like this from anyone. I feel this animosity from him towards me  especially if I want to take GD some place special. So I started just taking her to the mall and to my house to try to keep peace. She's just as happy coming to my house any way. Whenever she sees me or talks on the phone she says "we go to mom mom's house" or "please mom mom I go to your house". It's music to my ears!

Right before Christmas I took her to the mall. I let her out of her stroller and we were window shopping. She started walking away from me so I said "Santa's coming". She stopped dead & ran back to the stroller. I got such a kick out of this. That this little 2yo understood she needed to be good for Santa. So when I brought her home I told her parents. BIG MISTAKE! Her father started SCREAMING at me! The first thing out of his mouth was "that is so [messed] up! What kind of grandmother are you"? I was speechless! He accused me scaring her & ruining her Christmas. Than my daughter jumped in saying the same thing. I had just given my daughter the $200 worth of clothes I bought for my GD for Christmas. I was beyond hurt but I calmly tried to explain what happened. They wouldn't hear me. I could not get a word in & was becoming upset. So I got up, said goodbye & left. He followed me outside & down the steps saying "what's your problem"? "Why are you running away"? I was crying by now but I just said "I need to leave". He continued following me so I yelled at him "get [away] from me". That began a war with my YD. She wouldn't let me see my GD after that and accused me of being psychotic! I tried to talk to her but she wouldn't. After weeks she finally sat down w/me to talk. I was shocked by the things that came out of her mouth. She accused me of being no better than her father! She said her therapist thought I was a sociopath!! I was floored!! I let her say everything she wanted to say. Then I said "you need to remember I was the one that clothed, fed, & raised you". I said "who was there when you were sick or helped with homework". "Who took you to every practice, game, dance recital, play"? "Who went to every school meeting & paid your catholic school tuition"? "Who put you thru college"? I felt like a knife went through my heart and I did not know this person sitting in front of me. We both were crying hard so I just let it be. Afterwards, we hugged and I thought it was over. It's gone down hill since then.

I feel like I'm always walking on eggshells around her. She's ALWAYS angry and it's usually at me. Two weeks later she was mad at me again and again refused to let me see my GD. She told me she was cutting me out of her life! I was so devastated I think I had a nervous breakdown. I actually went blind for 24hrs. My dr changed my antidepressant and gave me nerve pills. After a week or so we sat & talked again, for hours. I still don't know why she was so angry at me. All seemed OK. Then it happened again. She told me she didn't want me bringing my GD to my house because of my OD's issues. I promised her I wouldn't let anything happen to my GD. My GD's been here the entire time my OD's been here. She said I could see my GD at her house or take her whever I wanted so I agreed. Then she flip flopped and said I could bring my GD home & keep her over night...because she needed a baby sitter. A couple weeks later she got mad again, etc., etc., etc. This has happened no less than 6 or 7 times in the past 3 months! Then YD tells me it's not me it's OD. She doesn't want GD around OD unless she's there. She said she's cutting her sister out of her life. Then they get together & talk about me. OD came back from YD's house and said I needed to take responsibility for both of their issues. YD's mad at me again. OD's mad at me. I feel like I'm losing my mind! (I've been thru this w/OD most of her life. I know I'm her soft place to land. I know she pushes & pushes waiting for me to finally tell her I don't love her. So she then gets confirmation of how worthless she feels. I've been in therapy for a long time and I understand the pain my poor OD is in. But this is all new with YD. YD was always my support. I just don't understand how she could change this drastically at 26yo. I think it's the boyfriend but she denies it has anything to do with him. We used to always talk now we're strangers.) A cpl days later YD is no longer mad at me but again says she doesn't want OD around my GD unless YD's there. But she won't tell OD that, she wants me to be the bad guy. I tell YD she needs to tell OD herself. I'm tired of being in the middle. She wants me to put my OD out of the house & she's mad at me because I can't! Everything calms down again. I have GD last Thurs but I'm an hour late bringing her home. Her other grandparents are there waiting to watch her at YD's house. I think all is fine. Next day I see 2 texts from YD when I was late asking where I am & what's going on. I didn't get them until the next day. I test back explaining I just got the texts & tell her why I was late bringing GD back home. YD's stops talking to me again. AGAIN no explanation. I call & leave 2 voicemail messages asking her to please not be mad at me. It's been a week. Today she blocked me on facebook. So again I can't see my GD. I'm not as heartbroken as when she first did this but I can't keep going through this.

I feel like I'm in the middle of such an impossible situation. And I'm so so sad! I cry til my eyes hurt! I've been telling my storm how big my God is but I still feel so hopeless!! I never felt so alone in my whole life and I really don't know how much more I can handle! The stress of all of this is KILLING ME!!!

Sorry this is so long...I just needed to get it out!!

[Ruth]

Dear Bellas, you will receive many many responses here from mothers who've walked in your shoes, I guess I'm up earliest and therefore my post is getting in first, but it won't be the best so just hang in there and read and read, your life can change dramatically on this site, as mine did.  You may think yours is a singular experience, and that nobody else could possibly relate to how you feel and what you're facing, but I can tell you that its far more common than you think.  Most of the women here, including myself, have battled for years with hot and cold, hateful and baffling  behavior from one or more of our dc, and many of us were ultimately 'cut off'.  Nothing in life prepares you to be betrayed and attacked by your own child.  All of us here have made mistakes, and we have have a laundry list of the things we did wrong to our dc, and most of us have taken the responsibility for those wrongs and tried our best to make restitution, some with success and some not.  In my situation, I have not been successful.  My 32 yr old son remains estranged in spite of all my efforts to earn his love and respect.  It has been a lifetime of grief and sadness to me in trying to bring him up.  His os also flies into my face with sporadic rages and attacks.  I separate myself from it now, I won't listen to a tirade anymore from either of them.  We will either talk as adults with mutual respect, or we won't talk. 

I've been here on the site about a year, and other than the occasional upsets, I have learned to live a life that is past being 'DM' and back into being a whole human being - thank you Luise!   I have finally found that I can be OK and live a full life, even if it meant being estranged from both of my dc.  My g/c are old enough now to make their own choices, but for you I encourage you to release your dc and all their drama to themselves, where it belongs.  Your life is a gift, and each day is an opportunity for you to experience joy and some fulfillment.  The first thing I personally did that helped me was to read Josh Coleman's book, When Parents Hurt.  And start now listening and reading only stories that give you hope and encouragement.  What we focus on becomes what we live.  Your dd's will have to have time to allow their lives to run the full course until they can see how important and precious you are, and its not in your power to make them come to their senses and get out of a bad relationship, or get away from substance abuse , etc.  Your job as a dm is now finished, as I told my dd recently, ' my responsibility is over, whatever I do now is an act of live, not of obligation'. 

[herbalescapes]

I really don't know what to say except good luck.  Are you getting your own health issues taken care of?  Do you have a counselor or clergy member or friend that can listen to your situation and provide some comfort?  Unfortunately all your situations are ones where you have no control.  You can't make your brother release his anger and come back to the family; you can't make OD quit drugs and get therapy; you can't get YD to stay consistent with you.  All you can do is try to control your own reaction to the situation.  Much easier said than done, I know. 

Is BF the biological father of GD?  It's not uncommon for young parents, especially dads, to resent GPs providing material things to the GC.  It hurts the parents' pride; they feel inadequate that they are not providing.  And with absolutely no consistency, the parents continue to accept the material gifts for themselves and GC, just hold a grudge instead of giving thanks.  Even if BF is the stepdad, he may feel shown up when you buy things or do things with GD.  Fair? No.  Just the way it is sometimes. 

Again, I wish I could offer more support than "Good Luck" but I just don't know what to say. 

[Pen]

Welcome, BellasMomMom. Please take a minute to read the three pink-highlighted topics under Open Me First on the home page. We ask this of all new members to make sure the site is a good fit and so you all know the policies regarding posting, etc. I will have to make a minor edit to your post but it's no big deal. I'm glad you found us!

You are in a really tough place, BellasMM. It isn't going to be pleasant to do what you might need to do in order to get the stress and pain out of your life so your health can improve. Without your health you likely won't have quality time with your GC no matter what happens in the future, and you won't be able to care for your DF or anyone else. So, your health is the first thing to deal with.

It sounds as if you have resources, so is it possible to get a visiting nurse in for your DF most days? There may be financial aid considering your and your DF's disabilities. The AC who is still living at home is taking major advantage to the point that you may be enabling her destructive lifestyle. You might want to rethink your arrangement and send her packing. I know stopping the other AC from taking advantage of you might mean losing access to the GC, but after lessening the stress of caring for DF and not having the older DD to worry about you may find you have more energy to deal w/creating boundaries with YDD/BF.

Best wishes. Please keep reading and posting, there's heaps of wisdom here from people who have way more experience in what you're dealing with than I.

[Didi.lost]

Dear Bellas
I really feel for you.  Such a sad way to have to life your life.  It is true
that this site can really help.  I have been on here for a very short time and
already feel better and have gotten a lot of insight into my own situation.
My DD is a very angry, hurt, mean, jealous, selfish and destructive AC also.
Her abuse of alcohol has made her unbearable to deal with.  Yes she has a lot of resentment from the past and can't seem to deal with the future.  So she
lashes out on the people that love her the most.  We can't do anything about
that, that's her choice to shut us all out of her life.  We do not speak anymore because she always wants to fight, so we leave her be.  She needs help and I offered to do that but she will have none of that.  So we all need
to keep our distance from the volatile relationship but if she ever asks for the help, I"LL BE THERE.  In the meantime we try to take care of ourselves and have some quality of life.  I think about her everyday and it is very hard but I am moving on.  You can too.  You can find the strength to help yourself for your own well being.  OMG How much do you have to endure.
It's time for you now.  Be calm, be happy, the AC will and need to take care of themselves
What helped me was the quote "God give me the serenity to accept the things I
cannot change and the Courage to change the things I can."
I wish you happiness, good health and peace of mind.  Please take care of yourself.

[lisafox41]

Welcome,
I'm sorry for all you are going through. I found over the years with my AD she knew the only way to really hurt me was to involve my GC. What I have learned to do is not allow that to happen. It has not been an easy process for sure!
I have taken Luise's advice to heart. It is time you learn to love yourself and build a happy, drama free life for you. I had to learn to not  put myself in the situations that cause drama. For what seemed like an eternity I did not interact with my daughter. That meant not seeing my GC, but it also sent her the message that I was done!
The best advice I can give you is to back off. Give your YD some space. In doing so, you will give yourself some much needed peace.

[firelight]

Welcome BellasMomMom,

This is a wonderful site and cyberfamily to really have as a sounding board also.  It may be very good for you.

I'm sorry to here about all your health issues....you're quite young to be suffering from all of these afflictions.  I hope that you are taking care of yourself in a top notch way.

I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your mom.  That is a huge sorrow for you.  I hope your heart will accept this in time.  Know that a part of your mom will live on in you and your family.

I might be the bad guy here, but I'm going to be very honest with my take.  I can tell you're stressed to the max as I felt the stress just reading the post.  You seem like a very loving mother and grandmother.  Your are also grieving the loss of your mom which might cause us to "overfocus" on the others left in our lives.  However, IMO you might want to pull back a whole lot.  It seems that your best intentions are making your YD and her boyfriend to feel very overwhelmed.  I can see from the outside looking in how that could happen here.  GD is their child and if they want to do the "firsts" with her most of the time, I get that.   Even if you don't care for the boyfriend (oh have I been there), it's still your YD's choice to make.  I don't think you should have to walk on eggshells and of course we shouldn't have to check with every single "first", but I can see that the newer parents want that joy for themselves with certain things and rightly so.  I'm sure you were blessed with doing those "firsts" with your children.  Sometimes being a newer grandma feels like our GC are more like our children....but they are not.  Try very hard to remember that.  (I have had to do that as well.)  You sound way too involved (as I was).  I am still growing through this transition every day as we all are.

I do not blame your YD for not wanting her child to be around your OD much as you said yourself you feel she has the issues of being bipolar as well as drug abuse.  A good mom wouldn't really want her child to be around that in much more than a small dose if your OD is not getting the proper meds she needs for herself and is not in recovery for the drugs. 

Sometimes our loving actions are just too much for our AC.  Many of us have been there and done that with bad results.  We have to let our AC go....they are not babies anymore and to get that through our heads is a tough reality we have to face.  To act otherwise (i.e. reminding your YD of with a laundry list of all the things you did for her over the years) is more like a guilt trip to her that doesn't really help in the long run and is only counterproductive than what we are trying to achieve.  Your YD is growing in her own independence and trying to make her feel guilty for your benefit or to attempt to make her "see" things your way is going to backfire. 

As far as being an hour late with the GD without a phone call by you only creates undue worry for the parents. To those waiting it may feel that your not calling and thinking everything is fine is an assumption on your part that they having nothing to do except wait for you.  IMO, a phone call would have been the proper thing to do, plain and simple.  If someone is late with our own babes, we want at least the courtesy of the call.  Nothing is "just fine" to the parents when someone is so late returning their prized possession that is there child.

I'm a recovering champion enabler myself (hence your OD still living there, being disrespectful to you in your own home and taking drugs).  Enabling helps no one and hinders her own growth to face the reality of life and causes resentment and stress for us.  We will not always be here on the planet to save them.  Just a little food for thought.  If OD truly has a dual diagnoses of "bi-polar" and "drug addiction", she needs more help than what you are able to offer.  I have a DD who has a dual diagnosis of major depression, anxiety, and drug addiction currently in recovery.  Your OD needs to be ready to admit there's a problem and then get help.  My DD said to me she wanted the help but didn't know where to go or what to do, so I did guide her in the right direction for that and gave her a ride there (my donation of "help").  To enable this AC makes us just as "sick" or "sicker" than they are.  The help I was able to give my DD was to take her to the hospital and then to rehab.  The rest is up to her.  Period.  We are not responsible for the poor choices they made with the drug addiction.  I have to be intentional about not enabling and sometimes I slip in small ways, but the regular "party" that was going on all at my expense is over. 

If you want the relationship with your YD to be repaired, you may need to pull way back and let them do the contacting if they want you to watch the GD.  A possiblity might be for you to let them know to let you know if they would like you to as GD is always welcome, maybe just "ask" for GD once in a while but not like it is now.  But from the outside looking in, you may seem quite overbearing to them.   Try to focus on backing off some.  Fill your time and thoughts with good things for yourself.  It will help you get through the transition of this change and you deserve it after all !  Try it,  you'll like pampering yourself.

I hope you will be able to keep posting and we all try to give our honest humbling opinion here, but they are just that:  opinions. 

Warmest thoughts to you BellasMomMom, as you journey through this new phase in your life of "letting go" and letting your AC be them.  It really helps to focus on ourselves as people besides moms and it is truly a new and growing journey.  (and less stressful I might add!!!)  Please try to take better care of yourself because you need a healthy mind and body as possible.  You can be a wonderful example for your AC and your GD by doing so.  And in time, you will get to see your AC watch their own babes grow away as they gain their independence and you can stand in the shadows nodding and wondering "how does that feel!?"      Enjoy your GD when you can, but just focus on your personal needs for a change.  I assure you it will get easier with time to do that and you may find you will get more respect from those around you when you do.  Please take care of your body as best you can so you can be there for the GD during those visits you do have with her, but more importantly, for yourself. 

[firelight]

P.S.  BellasMomMom,

Feel free to post your little joys also.  We not only share our troubles here, but our joys and praises too!   

[firelight]

Just wanted to share as I take my sweet time reading my awesome helpful book "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beatty:

"But people-pleasing backfires.  Not only do others get annoyed with us, we often get annoyed when our efforts to please do not work as we planned.  The most comfortable people to be around are those who are considerate of others but ultimately please themselves."

Oh yeah, this is a good quote from a good book.

BellasMomMom, as you grieve over your "yesterday" which is our now AC as we once knew them as much younger children and babies, may you learn the language of letting go as I am learning to do.  It is very painful at first, yes, but it's just a growing pain.

Warm thoughts......

[BellasMomMom]

Thank you all so much first for taking the time to read my very long ramble & second for giving me such honest heartfelt opinions. I must say once I released this mess into this post I felt relieved & exhausted! I think just getting it out did wonders!

You are all wise women indeed! As I read through your responses I began to see some things in a different light. Especially feeling that YD's boyfriend (who is GD father) was trying to one up me. It was like a light bulb went off in my head & I finally got it! Of course they would want to do firsts with GD. Never thought of myself as overbearing. Very strong yes but overbearing? YES. I actually see it for the first time! Also, I just realized what a hard time I'm having letting go of my grown children. I'm so use to caring for them alone, calling all the shots. It doesn't feel normal for me to "not have to be in charge anymore". It's about time I let this go. It's actually a relief!  I did know that I was codependent with my OD...just very very hard to face this. Thank you Firelight & Didi for sharing your own situations with me. Much of what you said I felt ringing true with my own situation. You also helped me see what my YD is going through in this situation with OD. I haven't been able to see things through her eyes. It's enlightening! And I should have called. I also see that I need to let YD & BF be for a while. Breathe deep & let go of the control (that I really don't have).

Another HUGE insight is that I am still grieving the loss of my mother. This one is also very very hard. I keep trying to push those feelings down deep...got to get through the day. But I need to just feel this, no matter how awful this feels. Living in mom's house makes this EXTREMELY DIFFICULT. She's everywhere. I try to be happy in this fact but it just makes the loss so HUGE!! I guess time is the only thing that's gonna get me through this. I also realize that I MUST PUT MYSELF FIRST! I keep thinking I'm doing this but reflecting on my post I see I'm totally not. This is another very hard thing for me. I've been caring for others for over 30 years. That catholic upbringing is also so counter productive. I could drown in my own GUILT!  I'm gonna work hard on this one! I actually have a pretty good sense of humor and love to laugh (at least when I'm not crying )! I need to spend more time laughing and enjoying the positive things in my life. It may not seem like it but I have many!

Thank you too for the recommended books. I'm heading to Amazon as soon as I post this! I'm so very blessed. God led me to this site last night and for that and all of you I am truly grateful! I spent some time today looking through older posts. There is so much information & advice. I feel like I'm already among friends!

Much love,
Mary

[Ruth]

There are so many good things in all these posts that I hardly know where to begin, Pen I totally agree with.  Bellas, this is a no brainer that you must find a solution that you can live with to remove this dd from the home.  We always assume that they will be in a homeless shelter, but as i've read these posts here for a year or more, that seldom (if ever) happens.  These guys are resourceful and know how to get their own needs met when their back is to the wall. 

Also Firelight, profoundly spoken that 'sometimes our loving actions are just too much for you A/C.'  I think this may be a pattern for us mothers here on this site.  We just care too much, and before I represent us as paragons of virtue, I will regretfully add that all this 'loving' is not entirely altruistic.  We get a lot of mileage ourselves out of this attentive love, it gives us a sense of purpose and value as a human being.  But we can be doing our a/c an injustice here.  Our job as mother is over at this point, and it doesn't burst into flames just because our dd has a baby, suddenly we are not back at the forefront and it can be so easy to start the process all over again.  Dear Bellas, it takes a long time to work through a grief and I also hope you can get some respite from caring for your df.  I would find a way to move out of that home, frankly, if it were me.  I have reached the point in my life that I am courageous and ruthless when it comes to getting my peace of mind.  I would rather live in a closet if I were able to soothe myself from the anguish in that home, but that's only me and you may be able to work with this and even by clearing out one major room in the house, adding your own touches and making it you, this could give you some relief, if you are financially and realistically unable to move out of there.  Your health could take a major turn for the better once some of these issues are better.  Myself, I don't really take a lot of interest in infants anyway.  It was never hard for me to all dd her own private time with newborn/small baby.  I only get interested when they can interact!  All that pooping and spitting up just isn't my cup of tea, and ye gods I don't want to be up ever four hours at the command of a newborn.

You have already made a huge step toward improving your lifestyle, Bella, in being honest and willing to see in yourself where you had gone off track.  Anybody that can do that can do the rest easy enough.   

[firelight]

 BellasMM   ,

I am so glad you came back to us!  I know that in this site, you will find so many helpful insights from so many wonderful, wise women.  I know it was a lifesaver for me in a very low and excruitiatingly painful time in my life that I am still working through.  I just stumbled upon it one night while typing my crappy feelings (at the time I thought I might die of heartbreak, literally) into google just to see what came up....and waaa-lah!  I took a chance and poured my heart out (kind of like what you did) and to say I was pleasantly surprised with what I found would be an understatement.  An unbelievable cyber-family.   I like to say that my DH has no idea how this site has saved him too (from listening to me all the time belly ache about this stuff).

It's nice to grow amongst friends (you are amongst friends!) who will give you their honest opinions and encourage you to keep going.

There's a lot I was doing too with my DD and GD that I really didn't realize I was, till I took a step back.  Some of it wasn't so pretty on my part.  I'm really glad you didn't take offense to my opinion because I only offered it because I have been there, and am still there but growing every day.  "I've got a lot of growing left to do, but thank God I'm not where I was!"

I hope that in time you will be able to have a better relationship with your YD and GD.  I think it will happen after a bit.  The amount of time you shared with your GD just doesn't go away over night and maybe you could just try to think of this snag as a cooling off period or an "intermission"!  Everyone will be readjusting for a time and I'm sure (hopeful anyway) that you will be speaking to your YD once again.  Only next time, things will be a little better, then a little better.  We can only hope.  We always will want our AC and GC's in our lives but it has to be in a healthier way for all involved.  And sometimes if it can't be healthy for us, then it just can't be till it can be. 

But for now, please focus on your needs and wants even though that is not something we are used to doing since we had kids.  It can be a sweet relief and we can still be loving moms in a new way, a healthier way in this stage of our lives.  We have to take care of ourselves and not sacrifice our own health to be there for others.  Saying "no" to certain situations and bad treatment toward us, even if silently to ourselves but backed by action, can be so soothing when what follows isn't our own resentment and stress over not saying "no". 

Ruth, you said a mouthful in your second paragraph.  The longer I have been on this site, the more I realize that some of us are to partially blame (unknowingly) for loving too much which can turn into an undesirable dysfunction for not only us, but our loved ones too.  It's a wonderful, horrible enlightening when we become aware of it.  Ruth you were very honest in your comments and isn't it the truth.  I'm so glad you wrote what you did.  All of the posts that followed BellasMM initial one I thought were very good which keeps me coming back to this group of WWW.

I am thinking of you as you work through your grief of losing your mom and trying to regroup with everything else.  We can be our own best friend and deserve to treat ourselves well.  I am also hoping your OD will have open eyes and an open heart to find and accept the help she desparately needs.  But, that is her journey and we have ours.   

Keep posting BellasMM and doesn't it feel good to be able to dump here safely!  I know it works for me and I find wonderful support here.  You're not alone! 

[Pen]

Wow, BellasMM, I'm impressed by the progress you've made in such a short time! So glad you're here, I think amazing things are ahead for you....