Letter to my son...if ur interested

[jeannehiga]

Yes,
Face to face would be so much better but if that is impossible, wouldn't a letter be better than nothing?  Or would it?  Should I be silent even when I'm bursting to share some possible helpful ideas?  Maybe an angry person isn't in receive mode but  my heart wants to try.  I have not, but silence is a real challenge.  Advice for this mom?  I'm almost in the exact same position as the person who wrote this original post.

[luise.volta]

let him break the silence if and when that's DS'  choice. He knows where you are. Accept his choices and focus on your own healing. It doesn't depend on him. Sending love...

[Pen]

Waiting, not pushing communication w/ a DS who is acting as if he's not interested - it's hard to do, I know. We've seen it work though, time and again here on the boards. Give yourself the gift of time, and use it to nurture yourself while progressing towards healing.

[constantmargaret]

I have written letters that I thought were perfect bridges to reconciliation. Much like yours. I wrote them, agonized over them, wept over them, edited and re-edited them, sealed them with a kiss and sent them, only to have them blow up in my face. My words were twisted, my intentions questioned and my olive branch was burned. Things taken out of context and purposely misunderstood. What I wrote was heartfelt and hopeful but it was read as half-hearted and hateful. I don't know how it could possibly have been taken that way, but it was. It was like handing over a full box of ammunition.
 
I sound so negative, and I don't know that this won't have a positive effect, I'm just shell shocked... I wish you all the luck in the world should you decide to send it.

[jeannehiga]

Hello,
About letter writing:  There is truth in all of these opinions and if we have diagnostic information that was never shared shoudl we do it?  I thought my son was better and now I know he is worse.  I never told him before because he was fragile and easily angered.  Now he is suffering due to alcohol and lifestyle.  What's a parent to do!  I'm afraid to try and tell him if it will make things even worse. 

[luise.volta]

 I woulf ask myself what is different now. Sending love...

[Ruth]

Like Constantmargaret, I have written what I considered profound letters to my DC thinking it would begin to heal and open the lines of communication, but it never did.  It seemed the more I apologized, they more they blamed me for stuff.  While I believe there is a place for expressing regrets and deep longings to our children, it is usually much later in the game than we mothers wish it would be.  I would not send it, Bdwell, don't try and do the impossible, just give it time and allow him to make the first moves, in my opinion.

[StarTrekWifey]

AMAZING LETTER!!! Good for you! It's nice to know that some mothers out there can see the error of their ways, take responsibility for it, apologize and MOST importantly stand up for yourself and say NO MORE! 

I really wish my mom would write me something like this... She refuses to take ANY responsibility in the way I was raised and how she abused my sisters and I. 

[lancaster lady]

Katt :

a welcome change to hear the other side , however , how would you respond
if you received such a letter ?
Other posters have mentioned how the recipient rubbed their noses in it and continued
the blame game .
We moms are human and do make mistakes , and if we can apologise , it would be nice
for it to be accepted , so life can move on .
I would be interested to hear your take on such a letter , and I'm sorry you had a
tough upbringing .

[StarTrekWifey]

To be honest, I cried when I read this letter. I thought if I ever received a letter like this, it would probably heal a lot of wounds I have with my own parents. It takes a very strong person to admit they are/were wrong and it takes an even stronger person to try and change things. My own mother has severe problems: mental, emotional and she's also an alcoholic. A letter like this would be a first step in fixing the relationship I have with my parents.

I think it is a wonderfully written letter. She opens up and pours out her heart. I would hope that the person receiving this letter, would take it to heart, accept the apology and begin building a better relationship from that day forward! Kudos bdwell1904!!! 

[Silver Spring]

I agree, I have been a recipient of a letter such as this when my sister and I had a rift after my mother died. It really touched me. I think the trick for my sister was that she sent it without expectation. She said what she felt she had to say, and it didn't really matter if I was hurt or angry or happy. She needed to do it to heal. In the process, she helped me heal too. We were able to move on.

[Keys Girl]

Hello,
About letter writing:  There is truth in all of these opinions and if we have diagnostic information that was never shared shoudl we do it?  I thought my son was better and now I know he is worse.  I never told him before because he was fragile and easily angered.  Now he is suffering due to alcohol and lifestyle.  What's a parent to do!  I'm afraid to try and tell him if it will make things even worse.

The advice that has helped me the most was "when in doubt, do nothing".

If your son is suffering from alcohol, until he goes to AA and takes some responsibility for his actions, he'll likely always look for a handy scapegoat.  Alanon can help you.  You don't necessarily know that your diagnostic info was accuarate. 

I think if you do try and tell him what to do, it WILL make things worse.

Walk down your own path, and let him stumble down his until he decides he needs to make some changes to better his life. 

It's not an easy thing to do, to stand by, but to do otherwise risks having a well meaning gesture turn into another reason for him to blame you.

Good luck,
KG

[constantmargaret]

It's ironic to me that AC who would love to receive such a letter have parents who will not write one, and parents who would love to send one have AC who will not receive one.

In situations where both parent and child is willing, no such letter is needed.

[StarTrekWifey]

It's ironic to me that AC who would love to receive such a letter have parents who will not write one, and parents who would love to send one have AC who will not receive one.

In situations where both parent and child is willing, no such letter is needed.

@constantmargaret - I agree with you 100%!!!

[Beth 2011]

Bdwell,

As much as you would like to send this heartfelt letter, I would wait and put it away for another day when your son is in a better place and able to talk with you.  My DH has written lots of these letters and in the end they go in the fireplace and are burned.  He gets it out of his system and puts it on paper not to say it is a cure for hurt but it helps him.  If you cannot get rid of it, just put it with any other letters you want to write in a drawer somewhere.  Wishing you peace.