Friends my DS reached out to me this week. I took the time to really think about what he said. He doesn't want to know or understand the
reasons why I am hurt or the pain I am going through to heal myself. I will continue to face my issues and heal me, and am grateful I found this place to help me do that.
I have read your message several times and taken the time to think about what you said. One thing you said is that I talk about those years as if they were a blur or never happened. You are right. I have lived most of my life with blinders on. It was easier to pretend my life, my pain, and the defects in my character, didn’t happen than to deal with it all. I so wanted to believe I was a good and loving mother, to cover up my defects. I didn’t start out at nineteen expecting my life to go this way. I will not try to explain the reasons I have lived like this to you. I do not want you to say I am making excuses. I’ve done it, for whatever reasons, and I own up to the fact that I have lived this way.
Just as you are trying to face the things from your past to be able to move forward and have a better life, so am I. For the courage you are showing to make this journey now, to heal yourself, I am very proud of you. What I am awed by is that you have made the choice to do the often painful work of facing up to the past, heal from it and use it to make you something stronger, wiser and more evolved than you could have been if you had allowed the past to hold you in a position of being a victim. What I have done for many years.
I understand that the way you perceive things are not the way I do, and that is okay. I have no intention of arguing with you about your perceptions or feelings. We each perceive things differently. I am trying to learn not to push my perception of events off on you, as I have done in the past. I am trying to accept responsibility for my past behavior and not discount or diminish the harm, pain or grief you have encountered. You have a right to be angry. For the things I have not done that I should have, and the things I have done that I should not have. I understand you have heartfelt pain and grief for the life you should have had and for the parents that should have been there for you.
If you are angry, if you cannot trust me, if you cannot forgive me at this point in time THAT IS OKAY TOO. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure it out. If you open up and completely forgive me, you become vulnerable. You may want to trust me but can’t because maybe, just maybe, the bottom will fall out and the hurt would be unbearable. I don’t know if this is how you feel, but I understand if it is. For all I have or have not done, I am sincerely apologizing.
Yes, I am deeply sorry.
I know ___ is your child and you make the decision of what is best for her. I long to welcome her with open arms.
As far as my future…Today I am trying to learn I am not a bad person. I may not have been the best mother but also I have not been the worst. I will no longer allow people to use me for a punching bag. Not verbally, physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually. I have to protect myself, my life, and my future, as you are doing with yours. I choose to circle myself with people who love me for who I am Today. I hope that ya’ll will choose to be a part of that circle.
You are my baby boy, I truly love you, and would never seek to cause you harm. I truly hope we can be as close as we once were, again in the future.