UPDATE ON GRANDSON THAT I GOT LAST WEEK AND SCHOOL REPORT TO CPS!

[nikncon]

Hi Jane.I agree with L.L.This little guy is pushing all your buttons to see how far he can get.Keep up with the time outs and punishments.Rewards when he follows the rules.What a lucky little guy to have such caring gps.He'll come around and be so greatful when he reflects on  :Dthis when he is all grown up.

[elsieshaye]

This little guy is pushing all your buttons to see how far he can get.Keep up with the time outs and punishments.Rewards when he follows the rules.

I also think he's testing you to see how trustworthy you are, at what point he can make you "snap", and what you do when he gets you there.  A lot of children who have been abused walk away with the "lesson" that people are fundamentally untrustworthy, and that good treatment of them is nothing more than a candy coating that hides the ugliness underneath.  A hundred times of being consistent can be undone with one bad day where you're feeling tired, and you will have to prove to him over and over and over again that he really can trust you to be consistent and follow through lovingly without abuse.  And, that you continue to love him even when he is "bad."  You're not going to get consistently positive behavior and rule following from him for a long, long time, so please try to take the long view and not feel like you and your husband are "failing" him if he has a bad day or defies you.  Just keep being consistent and reliable.  You've only had him for a few weeks, and he's been abused for years.  It takes time for him to accept that what he's experiencing with you is real and lasting.

[shorewil]

Jane- Yes, he is testing the boundaries !!! He probably never had enough caring about him to set boundaries, rules and limitations for him . All kids will push to the limit - probably to prove to himself that you do love him enough to stop him  ( if that makes sense ?)Paint the limits with  big red paint - figuratively speaking - Also remember one of the first principles which we learn in teaching "Negative attention is better than no attention at all  !"
According to his age - you could try a time-out with a kitchen timer, one minute for every year old  Example : let the child set the timer and go to a quiet spot or chair ( not a corner or his room )  and sit there until the bell rings. Then he is to get up - if he  sat quietly-no wheedling, whining, noises ,extreme crying or pounding - come to you and apoligize  for exactly what he did, look you in the eyes and say "I'm sorry". Then all is forgiven  and forgotten about.  ( Till the next time !! LOL)Most kidsput their anger on the timer andnot so much on you  !Good luck- let me know how it all turns out !

[firelight]

this is so tough.......all I can say is try to be very conscious of what not to say when he acts out...like threatening to send him back to the bad home he came from.  This could really test you to the limits. 

My thoughts are with you Jane!

[JaneF]

I really appreciate all the help ladies.  I am indeed struggling with what not to say when the behaviors are getting so so so difficult!!!  I may have made a boo boo already because the other day I did ask him if he wanted to be here with us.  I wasn't threatening to send him back to his mother, but I was honestly wondering if he was happy being here.  Everyone in this house is exhausted and his behaviors seem to be escalating at an alarming rate!  He steals constantly, he lies constantly, he is wetting his pants daily (he is 8 and 1/2 years old), and today the school called and I had to go there and clean him up and take clothes because he had actually had a bowel movement in his pants!!!!  It had gotten on belt, shirt, and jacket as well.  *sigh*.  He tried to kill all of the fish in the aquarium day before yesterday by dumping his sisters shower gel in there (a LOT of it!).  Luckily my husband got water removed and changed, and SO FAR they are still alive!  We catch him waundering around in the middle of the night, on the internet, which is against the rules.  He has had those priviledges removed as well as video games due to behaviors at home and school...but DAILY we catch him either on one or the other!!!  He is deliberately disobedient.  We were advised by therapist to put stuff under lock and key for safety also!  So we plan to do that NOW.  We got a door alarm for use at night time as well.  He has to stay where ever we are, so constant supervision is the rule now.  He was upped to 2 times a week for therapy!  Per the therapist!  Also she advised a full assessment with psychiatrist at Family Guidance Center, and then "case management" through them as well.  He has an appointment with therapist tomorrow, then after that he goes to do the assessment appointment!  Somehow I need to manage to sleep too since I work at midnight...never mind the homework, my home chores (even though husband helps soooooo much!  He cooks supper every night, he took kids out to play for hours yesterday after he got home from work at 4:30 pm, just so I could cram in some quiet house and sleep time.  I managed to go over his spelling words while doing some laundry, and had him complete his book report after that.  We are trying very hard, but to be quite honest I told the therapist I wasn't sure if we will be able to continue...not because I do not love him and care about him, but because I feel like we are failing him somehow and he is getting worse!  We have behavior issues EVERY DAY now.  We use time outs, writing sentences, just talking to him, removing priviledges etc, and nothing seems to work at all.  I am ANGRY!!!  Not at him, but because we are learning a harsh reality...he has been damaged so very horribly that it has totally changed this child into this child we do not even recognize.  They broke him.  I am angry at the cruelty, I am angry that Child Protective Services isn't doing anything to remove the 3 year old from that horrible environment...I am angry at my daughter and all others involved in the abuses, and I am mostly angry that I feel so lost and don't know how to help these children!!!  I need to sign off of here because I need to call the prosecuting attorney in that county and try to PUSH the issue as far as the abuse goes, and TRY to get the little one there some help in a hurry!  Pray for us please...I am fighting as hard as I can...J

[lancaster lady]

Poor Jane !

You need the patience of a saint .
Do you think he's being naughty for attention ? not saying he's not getting any , far from it .
Perhaps by doing bad things he's getting all his frustrations out , albeit on the wrong people .
I think you need more help in the home Jane , it's not easy being a mother the second time round
and hold down a full time job too .
Any chance of that ? Relatives etc .
I hope you manage more time out for yourself , stress has a nasty habit of creeping up when you least
expect it .
Take Care , we are routing for you .

[firelight]

Oh my goodness, Jane.  I for one will include you and your family in my prayers.

I just want to cry reading this and your anger is certainly justifiable.  I feel so badly for your GS.  I am glad you are all in counseling.  This is so very difficult that no one could imagine unless one lives it. 

Keep posting Jane.  I hope that some small event happens that will give you courage.  I'm sure your GS misses his sibling still left in the bad home.  :-(  So much happening in your lives.   

[Pen]

IDK, it sounds like a challenge, Jane. I'm brainstorming here, remembering some stuff we did w/DDD back in the day. Check out this website
http://www.sensory-processing-disorder.com/sensory-integration-activities.html for some ideas. I'm not suggesting that your GS has any sort of disorder, but the sensory integration techniques they discuss can be calming, organizing, esteem-building, etc. on normal kids as well as those with autism or other issues. We used them with DDD back in the day and they helped a lot. We tried to make them be games so she didn't feel like she was getting "therapy."

[shorewil]

Great idea, Pen ! Jane - I am so sorry for you and hubby and feeling for all of you .Try to keep him with you , or else he will just get thrown into the system . This is so hard on all of you ! I didn't realize that he was 8 1/2 . Does he have any chores to do ? Could you get him invovled in sports or karate ? He needs an outlet for all of his frustrations. He is giving yo a run for your money , all right  ! Give him opportunites with crayons, paint and blankpaper- this is also good to be able to show what he produces. Maybe you could watercolor together ?It sounds to me like plenty of damage was done to this kid...hang in there and yes, try to find some time for yourself (Ha  Ha ) I am caring for my sick husband and I know that this is much easier said than done ...

[Didi.lost]

Lots of Love

[JaneF]

Thanks again for the kind support. Yes, the children have chores that are expected of them, and we are fairly structured as far as we take care with the school lessons, hubby and I both work full time and also have the rental properties so we have to be organized for obvious reasons!  TIME!  The kids have a room downstairs that has an art table with clay, paints, and the guinea pigs!  lol  For an early Easter git I got them new bike helmets, and a pair of training wheels for him.  I had purchased a new bike for him last Christmas, but of course my DD moved off (nothing new there), went back to the abusive felon grrr, and she left both boys bikes behind sitting in my oldest sons garage...so he never got to learn to ride one!  My sweet hubby went to get this boys bike, then brought it home and proceeded to polish it up like a bike, then put the training wheels on.  He worked with him  in the back driveway for a few hours then.  Cute.  He slept like a baby after that...he was a happy camper!  Tonite we took the kids and bikes (papa rode his also) over to the track to ride and get exercise, the weather was beautiful!  He took off on that bike like a champ (not realising papa had lifted the training wheels completely up and he had not been using them at all)  lol.  He needs a push getting started is all...and he has a few scrapes on his knees...but he is proud!  We plan to buy the family pool pass for the summer to give us another outlet for the kids to play and exercise and be with friends (with supervision!), they will love that.  Keep fingers crossed we still have him of course. I have another post concerning our situation and I will add updates from the legal aspects and cps etc.  It's quite an ordeal.  ahhhh, dinner is over and we are vegging in the living room together...my grandson suddenly piped up a second ago and said "THIS HAS BEEN A GREAT DAY!!!"  I asked why, and he said my bike and everything!    It's the small things like that smiling little face that make the hard work worth it.  I only wish he could be happy with his mommy that way...I can keep hoping, but for now we will do what we need to do!  Hugs to you ladies.  J