Broken family

[Didi.lost]

Hi
Been reading posts here for over a week and you truly are wise women on this site.
I find it very helpful to vent and see I am not alone with problems with an AD.  I was divorced from her father when she was 4 yrs old and remarried a wonderful man when she was 6.  He and I have raised her and given her all that we could afford for 37 yrs.  We also have a 31 yr old AS who loves us and treats us with respect and always has.  However my AD has always been a handful,would always do whatever she wanted and fought me all the way since highschool.  Her biological father dropped out of her life when she was 15 and she has had no contact from him at all.  She started drinking and partying and not coming home since highschool.  At 19 she got pregnant.  The thing is she has a lot of issues and is a very heavy drinker.  She has drank and partyed all her life and we have had her children for the weekends so many times I could never even count them.  I would take them because she would just leave them with anyone that would watch them so she could go out.  She swears at them and puts herself first always. She has had many failed relationships with men she had living with her and my GC.I think she has drank and drove with my youngest GC even when I told her not to do that. Anyway a month ago she got in a huge fight with her brother over the new BF.  The BF of only 3 mths was very
disrespectful to him and called him some not so nice names cause he was drunk.  My
AD defended and choose the new BF over her brother of 31 yrs and disowned her brother. I got
dragged in the middle of their fight and now she has completely disowned the whole family.  She
blames everyone else for her mistakes and  now has contacted her biological family to be in their family after no contact with them for 17 yrs.  I feel sick and abused and have lost my AD forever.  I have texted her that I still love her and always will but no reply back at all.  I am done taking her verbal abuse every time I don't agree with what she is doing.  God help me stop the tears.

[Pooh]

Welcome Didi.  You're not lost because you found us!  I'm so sorry for the troubles but I think you already realize you can't fix her problems. She has to want to fix her problems.  As Moms, we hate it because it's so senseless but we truly have no control over someone else's choices.  Concentrate on yourself, your lovely DH and DS.  Those are are the two-way relationships.

[luise.volta]

Welcome - Most of us know all too well what you are feeling. Our very reasonable expectations have not been met where out AC are concerned and we are learning to establish new expectations regarding what brings us peace can joy. It doesn't happen overnight and it isn't easy but we lare learning to give outselves what others have denied us. Tears are a part of it…and we work hard not go get stuck there because it's a dead end. We were whole before we were parents and we can be whole again. Keep reading and keep posting. We're your new family. Sending love...

[Didi.lost]

Yes thank you.  I do realize I can't fix her.  I offered to help her and urged her to go to AA but
she is in denial saying she does not have a problem end of story.  I am worried about my GS who is only 6 because she is doing a lot of drinking with this new BF who I also think is a raging
alcoholic.  I do know that it is her life and she won't change until she wants to.  Just hope my
GC will be ok as I don't see the little one anymore although my GD 18 is working for me, so I see her and asked her to keep an eye on her little brother.  I have to concentrate on the good in my life and take care of them and myself finally.  I have not been feeling that well with all this going on.  But I guess she has made her choice and I have to live with that.  Time for some peace and quiet from her drama anyway.  Good Luck to her, she's gonna need it.  And thanks for the encouragement.  I needed that.  My son has also been wonderful to me through this.

[lancaster lady]

hi Didi ,

Lots of things are said in the heat of the moment and most of them are not meant .
You both need some time out .
Who knows if her biological family want her and her problems ?
I'm sure after a cooling off period , you will hear from her again .
Who knows after some space , she might come to realise how much she depends on you .
It might be  a good time to look at how you and her are going to continue your relationship .
Never fear Didi , she will be back and you'll be ready .

[Pen]

Didi, welcome to the site. My heart goes out to you. You'll find much support here, as you've already found out.

Please take a moment to read the introductory posts highlighted in pink under Open Me First on the home page. We ask this of all new members to make sure the site is a good fit.

Best wishes to you.

[Didi.lost]

 Yes I am going to keep my distance from my AD and so is my AS.  She went too far this time
with us and we are very very hurt by her uncalled for rantings and accusations.  Causing us weeks of unneeded stress. My AS loves his sister and she loves him too, which is why he can't believe
how rough she was on him when he was only trying to help her in the long run to keep her
from getting a broken heart again with this new guy.  He is bad news and she will find out one day, but it may be too late for her to repair the damage. She just keeps making mistakes which are her choice but then blames everyone else, tries to lay guilt on us  It is heartbreaking to not
be able to get through to your kids and have to watch them continue their path of destruction.
Not only on themselves but everyone around them.  Tuesday is her birthday and one of the last things she said to me was never speak to me again.  But I will text her and wish her a happy birthday and see what happens.

[firelight]

Welcome to your new cyber family Didi.lost....

I am so sorry to hear of your heartbreak and stress, but you will find so many of us here have that too.  We know the tears and the heartbreak that literally feels like it's about to kill us off.  The horror of watching our AC go down the path of self-destruction is the most painful that I know and can make a mom feel like a failure and where did we go wrong.....however, it is not our fault.  Our AC have minds of their own and make their own choices.  My own sis told me recently, "look at how we grew up (which was very neglectful), and we didn't turn out that way."  We did mess up when we were younger, but one has to eventually come to their own conclusions about where they want their life to go. We cannot do it for them.  We cannot live their lives for them.

But take heart!  This will start to pass as you start focusing on yourself and well-being.  Self-preservation is so important right now.

My ex-sister-in-law has a DD who found her after she was given up for adoption many years ago.  Her DD is glad to have found her as it does offer some closure in her life about the why's and where do I come from's.  But, her true family is her adoptive one that she is most loyal to.  Sometimes people just have to go digging of their own answers in their life and it's not to be taken personal by anyone else.  Maybe, in time, she will come around again to her senses. 

Sometimes people on that alcholic road have to hit their own personal rock bottom before anything changes and that can take a while.  From my own experience, I had to be on hyperalert as to not get dragged down into their pit also by "trying to help".  You wouldn't believe the thousands of dollars I have spent "trying to help" only for it to be up in smoke and it made the situation only worse in the long run as I enabled the behavior without even realizing it. 

I am here now for my GD when she needs it, but my DD and SIL need to seriously get their act together and I'm sick and tired of it being at my expense.  I might as well have flushed it ($) all down the toilet.    People with addictions do not see things the same way we do....they only see what they can get out of you.  You've said all you can say and it falls on deaf ears (don't I know it). 

So don't be afraid to try to set some new boundaries dear Didi.lost.  It's self-preservation time!  Probably long overdue.  Shake the dust off your shoes and focus on you now.  It's ok to be there for the GC if you are able.  They are the ones I feel for the most in my own situation, even though it's heartwrenching to watch DD travel an undesirable path.

Nothing wrong with texting your DD to wish her a happy birthday.  You have nothing to lose.

Warmest thoughts to you as you travel through this unsettling journey.  Hoping you find some peace along the way.   

[Didi.lost]

Thank you so much Firelight, for your story sounds a lot like mine like you took the words right out of my mouth.  Thanks for your wonderful encouragement and I know you are right about a lot of what you said.  And it has been very hard on the pocketbook alright, but it stops for me now.  Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, thrice etc. and shame on me.  I am starting to see the light of this terrible situation we find ourselves in and know I have to accept that things will not change until she does.  She can blame me and everyone else all she wants, I will not accept the abuse anymore.  Yes my GC are
most important.  Hope they will be ok.  My little GS is with his dad for half the month anyway every month so that is good. 
Thanks to everyone for your words of encouragement and I hope you all are doing well also.  We will get
through this together.
Thanks and I will keep in touch.

[BellasMomMom]

Hi Didi, Just wanted to share some personal insight. Your daughter sounds like she's in a lot of pain. This could be caused by the feeling of rejection from her biological father. 15 is a really tough age to begin with, most kids are struggling with identity issues. When you add parent abandonment to the mix many kids become self destructive. I've lived through this with my own daughters. You sound like a caring, loving mother. She hurts herself because she feels unlovable and she acts out against the ones who love her so they'll also walk away. This way she has confirmation that she "is" unlovable. It's a really vicious cycle and I've been in years of therapy learning to deal with my own dauthers' issues. Don't give up on her but don't let her abuse you either. If she "needs" her father &/or his family in her life than so be it. It's her journey. She's trying to find something that you can't help her with. All you can do is continue to love & support her. You're her soft place to fall. Continue with therapy because it can help you deal with this situation. Also, you may need some help in learning not to be codependent to her addictions & issues. Maybe alanon? If you truly feel your grandson is in danger you need to notify CPS. It's the right thing to do. Stay strong. Not sure if you pray but if you do keep at it and ask others to pray too. It does help! Sending prayers & peace.

[lisafox41]

Welcome Didi,
I'm sorry for all you are going through with your daughter. So many of us have been through the same thing.
Your daughter knows that you love her. Right now, the best thing you can do is give her space. As the others have said, these are her issues...you can't fix them for her. I know as Mom's it is very difficult to sit back and let our children stumble. Ultimately we do more harm than good if we try to rescue them over and over again. They wind up resenting us for it.
We have all cried so many tears. It really does get better with time, but in order for it to get better you must remove yourself from the middle of all the drama. Easier said than done I know. Really, just take it one day at a time and realize you deserve to be happy. You did your job all by yourself raising your children. Now it's time to kick back and do something for you!

Take care.