How do i stop myself going bananas with worry

[jill1963]

hi All,

have posted before, have probably said same things as well, but how do i stop worrying and thinking the worst of my YDD.

what has started me off this time is a text i received from her at 1:40am on Saturday, it said simply 'i'm sorry'.  when i enquired what she was sorry about she sent me a text saying she wasnt sure, i then realised she had been drinking :-/.

My problem is not that she had been drinking it is the excess she drinks to, i am disappointed as i thought she had got past that stage as she had not drunk for a year and a half. Her baby my GD is only 2months old,  my GS 4 and a 1/2 yrs old.

If you are wondering why it bothers me so much here is some background information:-

Daughter aged 15-18  used to drink in the park with friends ( but most of the time she hid it well from me)
18 onwards whenever she went out to nightclubs (drinking is legal in the UK from 18)  she used to drink so much that i visited practically every hospital in my City because she used to collapse, she was vile at this time both to me and anyone treating her (which did not exactly make me proud of her either), she also managed to get herself arrested and even spent a night in the cells of the local Police Station once.
When she had my GS she went to her then BF's families friends wedding, where she got so drunk she got into an argument then stripped half naked and ran down the street, this culminated in myself her Dad and  my ODD going over 60miles to where she was to rescue her, only to have her BF's family refuse to give us our then baby GS (even though most of them had been drinking) and for us to have to phone Police which ultimately led to them still leaving my GS in the care of her BF & family whilst we had to bring my distraught YDD home (GS was returned to my YDD later).  She vowed then not to put herself in that position again, this she has managed to keep up until recently.
Now i know i have said about pulling back and i was trying to do that and possibly if she hadnt i think mistakingly texted me  (i think the Sorry was meant for her BF, who i have to say was more sensible and had taken the children home to bed earlier) and not for myself, i would possibly not been any the wiser about what she had done and would not now be worrying.
But i am terrified she is going to keep drinking on a regular basis to excess and i dont want her BF's family to have any excuses to try and influence her BF to take her children off her, i would find it hard to forgive her should that happen. It does not help that her drinking buddy is her BF's sister who lives by her so she may actually tell her family what my YDD did. :-/.

Lastly she has never listened when i tell her i am not happy about her drinking in the past, she always says i should trust her, i have in the past and 9 times out of ten she has let me down :-( so it is not really an option me saying anything, also i know at some stage she needs to take responsibilty for her actions, that she is an adult and that she no longer lives with me and is entitled to do what she wishes...........but i still worry, partly for her (she is also a Type 1 Diabetic)  and also for my GC, i just feel so helpless to do anything :-(

Jill x
 

[herbalescapes]

I don't think you can stop worrying. Unfortunately, you have cause to.  I suggest finding Al-Anon or a similar group to help you deal with your daughter's drinking. 

Good luck.

[Nana]

Dear Jill

Herbal is right about going to Al-anon for help.  I had a brother who was a heavy drinker and put all our family up side down.  My father attended the Al-Anon meeting and they helped him a lot to cope with my brother's behavior.  Your problem is more complicated because your daughter is a Mom, and it will be terrible if bf's family took the baby away from her. 
She is not capable of taking care of the baby though. 

The only thing for certain is that your daughter needs help.  She is jeoparizing her life and the baby's.   You also need help to cope and to be able to help her in every way possible. 

I am sure you will be better advice from many wise women here.

Love

[jill1963]

hi Herbal, hi Nana,

i will think about the Al Anon meetings,  to be fair to my YDD this is the first time in a year and a half that she has drank to that excess, and partially i think its the influence of her BF's sister and partner, the sister i hear drinks at least a bottle of wine a night :-/.  i know my YDD went for dinner there last night as she told me and that she had 2 glasses of wine then,and i don't understand why she needs to drink at all on a week night, but at least she was more controlled last night which is what i expect her to be. Everyone is entitled to a drink if they want one its the excess that upsets me, especially when she is not the nicest drunk :-/
When she started going out to nightclubs, sometimes with my ODD sometimes with friends i stopped drinking dead, mainly because i do not believe in drinking and driving and also because i knew 9 times out of 10 i would have to go pick her up!

i will have to think how i tackle this, because i had a conversation with her BF about it as he said he wasn't happy (but more because she had tried to smoke than drink) and i said i agreed, but when i went and spoke to my YDD after she mentioned drinking again last night she told me he had said i was asking all sorts of questions about her drinking which was untrue! i merely said i agreed with him about not being happy about it, so isnt it great how things get twisted :-/

Jill x

[firelight]

It's so hard to be the innocent bystanders when our AC are struggling with addiction, don't I know it.

It sounds like your DD hasn't hit her personal "rock bottom" yet.  She may if she continues on this road.  We all always hope it's not at the expense of the kids but it's always at their own and everyone around them's expense.

Try to focus on yourself, jill1963.  I can tell you by experience it takes a lot of practice and I am still a work in progress.
 
Warm thoughts to you.

[lancaster lady]

hi Jill ,

Maybe shock tactics is what is needed for your Dd to come to her senses .
If social services realise she is drunk in charge of children , they will certainly put them into care .
I hope this never happens , but perhaps the thought of it will shock her into being a more
responsible adult .
I wonder why they have families when they still want to paint the town red .

[jill1963]

Firelight,

thanks and yes it is, i find myself wishing my GS & GD's lives away (for them to be grown up i mean), my daughter as you may have worked out from my other posts is very controlling, i have said before they are to hard on my GS,  i am currently doing them a favour because my YDD car is out of action by taking my GS to School, in his words, he says he does not love his Mom & Dad because they shout at him all the time, how do you think that makes me feel 
I have to say out of my two DD's i do think my YDD should not have had children (although i now wouldnt be without my GS or GD no matter how hard it is to see them), both herself and her BF expect too much in the way of behaviour from children my GS & GD's age, they are also very much focused on themselves, ( buying themselves little gadgets like video games ie playstation 3) whilst taking stuff my GS has had away for his supposedly bad behaviour, so to me these are two people who should of been on their own not with children, as i feel they have not  yet grown up
My ODD my GS adores, partially because i think she speaks to him on his level, although this in the past has got her into trouble with her YS.
I feel bad about always complaining about my YDD but i also want you know that despite all that happens my YDD has sometimes made me proud, as i have said in the past she has Type 1 Diabetes, which when she first got it at 15 was hard for her to deal with, she fought against it for years, but has now got a handle on it and is a lot better ( although the starting of the drinking wont do it much good). But out of my two Daughters i have always found  it so difficult to speak to her as you never know how she is going to take things,  but i dont want to give up on her. But quite frankly like you say Firelight i could do without the drama.
I dont want my daughter to hit rock bottom, and she hasnt,  but she doesnt see anything wrong with what she is doing, she is a bit sheepish about what happened at the weekend but more because i think she feels she let down  her BF, and also because she smoked which she hasnt done for years, and this was the influence of the alcohol, she already knows my feelings about her drinking and to be quite honest i am not sure she cares.  i know she adores her BF and i hope he is as loyal to her and sticks by her and doesnt sell her down the river with his family should this drinking thing get worse.

Problem is out of the two she is the stronger personality, but at the same time she is also dumbing down her personality to keep him happy (if that makes sense?) this also extends to discipline for my GS even though she may not fully agree with it, which sometimes is unfair.
However certain things have changed and i do get to see a little bit more of my GS in particular, and there is something on the horizon which would possibly make it even better but dont want to say anything yet as dont want to jinx it :-)

And Lancaster lady , her BF wasnt  drunk so there was at least one parent that was sober, he is like me does not feel that after this time he wants to start drinking again, hopefully he will stay feeling that way, i just wish my daughter was the same  ,  if it continues i would think of saying something, my biggest fear is her getting drunk at one of her BF's families very frequent parties.
Like my YDD i am dumbing down what i may or may not say sometimes for fear of her being more restrictive again, that is hard work too !  lol

Jill

[luise.volta]

J - Worry can be a habit that we started when the kids were small and we were responsible. It kept us on out toes. When they are grown it doesn't help them in any way because our being on our toes is no longer productive.  It is, in fact, counterproductive. While not helping your AC, it can seriously harm you. What we focus on expands…what we ignore contracts. What do you want to do with your life that is positive and about you? If we get stuck in having our lives be about others…there is very little in life. How it is done…is to keep bringing your thoughts back to yourself. Habits can be changed and healing can take place. Sending love...

[Doe]

Old Chinese Proverb:

You cannot prevent the birds of worry and care from flying over your head. But you can stop them from building a nest in your head.

Here are some other good worry quotes:  http://www.quotegarden.com/worry.html

I think the fact that you are looking for ways to still the worry is a giant step - the fact that you are looking for ways to handle the worry puts some space between you and it.

Maybe it is time to shift your worry from her into some kind of action to help the gks, though.

[JaneF]

I am so very sorry for the situation you have here.  I know from experience it is very hard not to worry!  Instead of worrying I try to find ways to focus on other things...hard to do.  Worse when small grandchildren are involved I know.  We have to keep ourselves strong in case we need our resources at some point!  We cannot control or change our adult children or their behaviors...I've been that route and learned the hard way.  It may just be that your DD will have to suffer some consequence before it gets her attention, sadly.  I'll be thinking about you...take care of YOU.   Jane

[jill1963]

Luise, Doe & Jane,

Sorry to say i am a worrier always have been    the drink worry is because of how my daughter has been in the past with alcohol, and the way she treated me and others, she always let me down and i thought we had gone past that stage.  However i have to hope that the drinking to excess episode is just that a one off?
Like you have all said, no matter how i feel we cannot change or control our AC but sometimes would be nice to swap them with AC who didnt give their parents any problems or drama's! lol.
I like your philosophy Luise and it is all very true but sometimes hard to follow, i also looked at some of the quotes Doe and they are also very true and relevant. I will try harder to follow some of them
 I would quite gladly shift my worry Doe into some kind of action to help with my GK's but am not sure in what way you meant, (either doing more with my GK's or reporting my YDD?).
And JaneF you are right we cant change our AC,  i promise to try take care of me a little more, but you in your situation must also promise me you will take care of yourself also 

Jill x

[luise.volta]

If we say "that's how we are"…we will always be that way. It is often a kind of "yeah, but…" and keeps everything in place. There are other options that we are trying to suggest here because you asked. Caring is a productive and loving feeling…worry is of no use to anyone. Even "concern" can be refocused on our own recovery from the years of being responsible for our kids and can be transferred to ourselves and how to move on after having our lives about parentling for decades. Our AC get to make choices and learn consequences. We, in turn, get to know we did our best and stay out of it. And…please don't think for a moment I found that easy to do with my own ACs. Simple, yes…easy, never! Sending love...

[Pen]

Jill, perhaps the best way to help your GC/AC is to take the best possible care of yourself right now. Put your efforts into health, fitness, spiritual growth, education, social contacts, whatever sounds good to you. You will be a much more effective champion for the GC if you can present a confident, positive demeanor that comes from true progress. Not only will you be stronger, you will have modeled good practices to your GC/AC. It's not too late, go for it!

[jill1963]

hi All,

Well what i thought could or would happen again did.  I got a text from my YDD on Saturday morning 2:30am.  ' could i come collect her and GS & GD'  then a couple of minutes later a phone call from her BF 'could i please come over and help him' as my YDD had, had too much to drink and he didnt know how to deal with her  he added that his FOO had left and that they had all been drinking and my YDD had suddenly lost it after a small incident.
Well i go over there on my own no support (Hubby was away, ODD fast asleep with the cats etc lol).  OK imagine my suprise and to a certain extent horror when i get over there and his FOO are all there, because of the commotion they had returned. there were 6 of BF's family (plus 2 small children luckily fast asleep)  and a family friend of theirs (my GC were also asleep in their beds).  I thought ok, this could be fun..........not. 
I go in to gasps of 'it's E___s Mom, whats she doing here'  I reply that i was contacted by both my YDD and her BF who had asked me to come over YDD to collect her and GC, BF to try calm her down.
Well i decided there and then not a good move for me to get into an argument , but was pretty peeved when their family friend kept telling me my daughter was vile and had said some horrible things (they say a lot of true things come out when your tongue is loosened by drink dont they?).  I replied saying i was not going to bad mouth my YDD but that they already knew what she was like when she drank too much and she shouldnt do it, well this went round in circles, but eventually they left ( which was an improvement on the first time when they refused to let my YDD take her son home). I waited around, making sure my YDD had calmed down, clearing up to keep myself busy etc. 
I left at 4am after my YDD had decided to lay down, but whilst her BF locked up the back door (which i couldn't do because  i couldn't find a key)  I went in asked her if she was ok, told her she shouldn't drink or not as much, satisfied she was ok i vacated the house and came home.
Well in the morning I see on facebook my YDD putting what an a--e she had been that she apologized for being a (nasty word not sure i could put) and that nothing good would come of her drinking and she didn't intend doing it again. Well replies came in and i could not believe some of the stupid ones put ie:- "dont do it ive been off the booze for a year and its boring, people always forgive drunken mistakes" and "it was a good night and ignore pop drinkers" to name two.
She now maintains she remembers nothing of that night but the fact she has been so upset belies that, so i think she is just saying that to not deal with the consequences. I sincerely hope she sticks to what she stated that she will not drink again as she obviously has no self control, i cannot believe on speaking to her BF later (who was not drinking) when he stated that he didnt mind her drinking as he had, had to deal with the consequences with his own family all his life .......but he did add that she should learn her limitations, not the best answer in my opinion as she has shown she cannot work her limitations out!.
Anyway i think i have decided that if this does happen again (which i pray it will not) that although i will probably go make sure she is ok, that after that enough is enough, i have had to put up with this behaviour since she has been legally allowed to drink alcohol, i did not ask to get involved that night, i was contacted, that i have said many times she should not drink but as most children or AC do not listen to the wisdom of their parents not sure what to expect as i have said this so many times before.
I think i have also decided not to offer to buy things for them when they say they are short of money, i shall only buy things for my GC as they seem to find money to buy the things they want and then plead poverty.
As i have stated before i do not like the way my YDD & BF discipline my GS but realise i cannot do anything about it, the one break in the clouds so to speak is that they have decided to let both sets of GP's to have our GS on one weekend each a month to see if in their words "it improves his attitude/behaviour" whilst i will keep to their rules for mealtimes, & bedtimes i intend also making sure the little soldier has fun and we do things (ie trips out for the day etc) when we have our weekend   

[bdwell1904]

Jill-  I am sry for what you are going through, the fact is you have no control over your AD any longer. For an alcoholic especially one with children is very hard at times to face the stress of life. I'm not trying to give your AD a get out of card, it is simply a fact. Obviously she wants to do better as her past sobriety atest to. Being around other people, places or things that influence you when you are stressed and trying to stay sober can be difficult, to say the least. She has guilt, hence the I'm sorry. My best suggestion is to offer her hope. Adding to the guilt of an alcoholic only makes them want to drink more, to relieve the pain they feel inside. Encourage your AD by letting her know you believe in her and her ability to be a good sober mom. I know it is hard for you. One thing I heard an addict say once that was very enlightening: Mother"Why can't x understand how I feel about them drinking" ....AC"How can my mom not understand how hard it is for me to stay sober" If you have never had a problem with addiction you will never understand, but you can try to. Wishing you only the best.