DD is being isolated ,concerned for her well being

[lancaster lady]

Babies don't come with directions and I'm sure we can all look back with horror at some of the things we did
as first Moms .
We know it gets better , but those first few weeks are scary .
I only wish I could have helped my DIL with my GD , I could see the baby wasn't getting any milk through
breast feeding and was getting more jaundiced as the days went on . I asked how often was she
feeding ....the gates of fury crashed around me and I spoke no more .
My GD spent three weeks without gaining an ounce , and I cried each day .
I eventually sent my DS pages of emailed information about jaundiced babies and not letting them
sleep too long as jaundice makes them unresponsive .
What the visiting nurse was thinking letting this go on I have no idea ....not my place to question !
They eventually fed my GD formula , thank God .
Worst three weeks of my life .
Just a taste of what was to come .
So some new Moms do need help , some welcome it some don't .

[Pen]

LL, I hear you. As a new mom way back in the day I appreciated any and all advice, taking the best and graciously leaving the rest. I figured the more love for my kids the better! But I know not all new moms/dads feel the same. And I made some goofy errors all on my own, lol.

[Nana]

It now seems funny but I think most of us mom have been at our wit ends at some time when we were raising our babies.  I remember when I had my third child....she was so fussy and I just couldnt sleep or rest.  I asked God to have some kind of a disease (without pain of course) and be driven to the Hospital....so that I could stay there 2 or 3 days sleeping and sleeping.   All I wanted was to sleep.  Once in a while my husband would take all the kids to McDonalds so that I could sleep some, but it was never enough.... they came back too soon lol.

Now I help my dil with the baby which a high maintenance baby whenever I have the time or when they ask.  I know son and dil appreciate it.    When I have the two older gcs sleeping over  (3 and 5) in my house, dil and son joke saying that the baby want to stay with their siblings.  It is hard staying with the three children because the older ones are very demanding of my time making it very hard for me to have the baby too.  I just stay with the three when they asked me to.

Artlady... you are a good Mom and your daughter needs you. 

Love you all

[herbalescapes]

I think it's a little early to say your DD is being isolated.  You should stay alert, but don't assume the worst.  I think 95% of new moms who stay home with the infant are isolated.  You're tired, probably worried about money, exhausted from lack of sleep and nursing, etc.  Not a lot of opportunity to go out and about like you used to. 

A lot of men are threatened/upset/bewildered by how much information women share - whether with their mom, sisters, friends.  It might have been ok with SIL for his GF to discuss her finances with her parents or get their input on the car she wanted to buy or whatever.  But it's no longer her finances or her car.  It is theirs and he may not want his ILs having a say in their decisions.  It may not be that he's doing a Jeckyll and Hyde transformation since the wedding.  He may just be trying to establish firm boundaries. 

I know the birth of a child can be a special time between mothers and daughters - it used to be that way exclusively since DHs were out hunting the mastadon or whatever - but in the past decades the focus has shifted to the specialness between the new mom and dad and baby.  This may be another area that has your SIL uptight.  He may sense how much you want to bond with your daughter and baby at this time, and feels he's getting pushed aside.  And it doesn't matter how much actual time he is on sight versus you - it's the perception, not the reality that is important. 

Of course, you could be 100% on target.  Only time will tell.

Even with a baby doing the non-stop nursing thing (I had two of those), there are a lot of baby carriers that help you nurse in public with lots of privacy.  I used a baby sling and often had people try to peek in to see the baby, not realizing what the baby was doing.  With a little practice, she can take the baby out and nurse and not be embarrassed.  It seems intimidating at first, but like another poster pointed out, it only gets easier if you practice. 

You say your DD has lots of friends.  Have they talked to her or come over?  If so, I would be less inclined to view your SIL as trying to isolate your DD.  If they haven't, try to find out why and maybe suggest your DD get some girl time with her friends. 

Good Luck.

[artlady]

I think it's a little early to say your DD is being isolated.  You should stay alert, but don't assume the worst.  I think 95% of new moms who stay home with the infant are isolated.  You're tired, probably worried about money, exhausted from lack of sleep and nursing, etc.  Not a lot of opportunity to go out and about like you used to. 

A lot of men are threatened/upset/bewildered by how much information women share - whether with their mom, sisters, friends.  It might have been ok with SIL for his GF to discuss her finances with her parents or get their input on the car she wanted to buy or whatever.  But it's no longer her finances or her car.  It is theirs and he may not want his ILs having a say in their decisions.  It may not be that he's doing a Jeckyll and Hyde transformation since the wedding.  He may just be trying to establish firm boundaries. 

I know the birth of a child can be a special time between mothers and daughters - it used to be that way exclusively since DHs were out hunting the mastadon or whatever - but in the past decades the focus has shifted to the specialness between the new mom and dad and baby.  This may be another area that has your SIL uptight.  He may sense how much you want to bond with your daughter and baby at this time, and feels he's getting pushed aside.  And it doesn't matter how much actual time he is on sight versus you - it's the perception, not the reality that is important. 

Of course, you could be 100% on target.  Only time will tell.

Even with a baby doing the non-stop nursing thing (I had two of those), there are a lot of baby carriers that help you nurse in public with lots of privacy.  I used a baby sling and often had people try to peek in to see the baby, not realizing what the baby was doing.  With a little practice, she can take the baby out and nurse and not be embarrassed.  It seems intimidating at first, but like another poster pointed out, it only gets easier if you practice. 

You say your DD has lots of friends.  Have they talked to her or come over?  If so, I would be less inclined to view your SIL as trying to isolate your DD.  If they haven't, try to find out why and maybe suggest your DD get some girl time with her friends. 

Good Luck.

  OH I well I remember the nursing all the time she was one of those . Just talked to her and she says she will start pumping as he will have to take a bottle " I can't sit in this chair nursing all day for another month" , she wants to be able to get out , let daddy feed him , be able to rest etc etc . She does have lots of friends but as I've said so many are working and so she really hasn't seen but a few , not even the neighbors are coming over to check on her . I think as we see others are taking his lead to stay away, he is not the warm and fuzzy type at times and I"m sure we are not the only ones that r treading lightly on that . His own dad and step mom have not been back and this is his dad's first grandchild. No I don't' go up like everyone thinks I'm doing , i only go for a few hours once a week , while he is at work so not to get in his way. He has no idea of anything she has told me , what she tells me is just between us when she needs to vent or is upset about things she tells me these things . Oh no heavens no it is one of those things mother's daughters talk about that the men don't ever know ,. So he is not threatened by that because he has no clue . I"m saying isolated as from things she is saying i know she feels alone all day , so that is where I'm getting that. Even their best couple friend , the wife came by for a bout an hour last week and will come again this week, the husband only saw the baby in the driveway when they were picking up ball tickets , this is the only couple friend they have and do things with. His list of friends is maybe 3 vs hers is very long . Once she can pump and take him out (she said she isn't nursing in public with or without a cover ) she will be able to meet friends during their lunch hour, for dinners ( as she does) Sat lunch and movies ( as she can leave him with daddy ). She is looking forward to some normalcy as walking to the mailbox each day is not getting it for this new mom. I've been as supportive as I can trying to tell her this is normal and just give it time . She isn't against the breast feeding it is just she says she feels like a giant boob or pacifier ( he won't take one either ) . You would have to go back and read my first post to know the issues with SIl, oh we are not the only ones that have seen the drastic change in him since the wedding . Everyone has seen it and felt it , so not our imaginations.  Thanks

[artlady]

I remember going to a LLL meeting with my first newborn. A mother was there with 2 toddlers and an infant and I asked her about how she managed it.  I remember saying that I was going to wait till he was older to get out to grocery stores, etc since it would be easier.
 
She stopped me right there and said it only gets easier the more you do it.  Don't put if off!  I got it that there was no 'making it easier' now that I was responsible 24/7 for another person - no one but my husband and myself were going to do it (our parents lived across the country).  We got more skilled and more in control of the chaos that comes with babies.  I totally agree with that mom's advice.

She is getting ready to start pumping and she feels once she does that she will be a bit more free to do things and get out some . I asked has she driven anywhere she said no as he won't go an hour between nursing and I think she is concerned he will be fussy while she is driving and worry about what to do.  Once she makes a break for it , as she says then she will find it a piece of cake but the first time is a bit scary I guess , I can't remember as it was 31 years ago  lol  ,  Now I wish I was back in her place , young again and had a nursing baby . I loved that sweet sweet time . 

[artlady]

Babies don't come with directions and I'm sure we can all look back with horror at some of the things we did
as first Moms .
We know it gets better , but those first few weeks are scary .
I only wish I could have helped my DIL with my GD , I could see the baby wasn't getting any milk through
breast feeding and was getting more jaundiced as the days went on . I asked how often was she
feeding ....the gates of fury crashed around me and I spoke no more .
My GD spent three weeks without gaining an ounce , and I cried each day .
I eventually sent my DS pages of emailed information about jaundiced babies and not letting them
sleep too long as jaundice makes them unresponsive .
What the visiting nurse was thinking letting this go on I have no idea ....not my place to question !
They eventually fed my GD formula , thank God .
Worst three weeks of my life .
Just a taste of what was to come .
So some new Moms do need help , some welcome it some don't .

  I think she would like help but nothing anyone can really do right now with him nursing all the time and not napping much during the day. I help by listening on the day i do , cooking and running an errands she might need. That is all I can do until she pumps, I think these new kids ( they r 31 and 35) are all so independent these days they want to do most of it themselves which is fine as long as they know if they need help we are always here to help with whatever they need. He is growing but with the new pediatricians now , they see the baby 3 days after coming home , and then 1 week and after that it is 2 months before they go back . he had lost down to 6 lbs from 6lbs9 ozs , then the week visit was 6lb 110z plus grown 1/2 inch so i hope he is getting enough milk but she said she will really know once she starts pumping and giving a bottle next week. I"m trying to just follow the leads.  thanks

[Doe]

". I asked has she driven anywhere she said no as he won't go an hour between nursing and I think she is concerned he will be fussy while she is driving and worry about what to do. "

LOL - I imagine she'll be here in 30 years wondering why her son is so demanding.  (just kidding)

[artlady]

". I asked has she driven anywhere she said no as he won't go an hour between nursing and I think she is concerned he will be fussy while she is driving and worry about what to do. "

LOL - I imagine she'll be here in 30 years wondering why her son is so demanding.  (just kidding)

  hey some friends and relatives say in joking way , it sound like he is already taking after daddy, oh lord i do hope he has some of his mommy in him or we are all in for a long ride   lol

[lancaster lady]

you're doing  a great job Artlady .
It's different when it's your own daughter , not so easy with a DIL .
Your DD sounds like a great Mom too , takes a while to get a routine going .
I too loved those baby days , it's great being a GM too , especially when you're allowed to be one .
In my case it was a year before I became interactive , but now we are like peas in a pod ! 

[artlady]

you're doing  a great job Artlady .
It's different when it's your own daughter , not so easy with a DIL .
Your DD sounds like a great Mom too , takes a while to get a routine going .
I too loved those baby days , it's great being a GM too , especially when you're allowed to be one .
In my case it was a year before I became interactive , but now we are like peas in a pod ! 

       Hey this grandma's supply has been long gone so all I can do is be there for her, give her encouragement and let her learn on her own as one day we won't be here to pick them up so they have to learn things on . I'm sure we will be able to have contact with the babyh but when it comes to the SIL being a part of that I"m sure we will run into bumps in the road as he is the "not fuzzy , prickly " personalilty type that wants his own little family without the involvement of his or her family ( he would be just fine with that ). EB

[pam1]

Doe, that was the same advice I was given when DD was born and I took it.  The first couple weeks were hard and a blur, DD was also a preemie that got to come home on time since she was right around 5lbs. She was a bit on the higher maintenance side.  But I was back at work when she was 4 weeks old and still in school full time, we made it work.

I didn't want much help but my parents and family members did do things like ordering a food service for me, which I can't think them enough for even now. 

So you don't really have to physically be there to help out, there are a lot of services out there for new moms.  Maybe having food delivered a couple times a week?  Or you can even do grocery shopping online now and they'll deliver that too.

[Doe]

But I was back at work when she was 4 weeks old and still in school full time, we made it work.

OMG, I can't imagine.  I think I stayed in sweat pants and tank tops for the 1st month, if I got dressed at all!
I'm impressed!

[artlady]

But I was back at work when she was 4 weeks old and still in school full time, we made it work.

OMG, I can't imagine.  I think I stayed in sweat pants and tank tops for the 1st month, if I got dressed at all!
I'm impressed!   wow I know I"m just so glad most pics were of the baby and not me as I looked terrible for that first month or so , and I can totally agree with not dressing . thank goodness for those panel maternity pants as i lived in those for a bit i'm sure , maybe some sweats but those awful dresses were packed real quick  lol

[pam1]

But I was back at work when she was 4 weeks old and still in school full time, we made it work.

OMG, I can't imagine.  I think I stayed in sweat pants and tank tops for the 1st month, if I got dressed at all!
I'm impressed!

Hah, I really didn't have much of a choice at that time.  But I was out of it the first couple weeks, barely remember it. 

I know some gals it takes a really long time to get going, I'm not saying either one is right or wrong.  Just that everyone is so different.