DD is being isolated ,concerned for her well being

[artlady]

Well I'm now so concerned about the outlook for my DD. Now she is a new mother of a 3 week old that literally nurses all day and she plans to start pumping in another week or so to give her a break . My last visit she did want to "make a break " for it to a fast food drive through to get some " bad food " as she called it . She says her only outing of the day is to the mailbox with GS as he has been gassy and fussy. I had wanted to be there for her more than I am but due to her DH( read past posts of his attitude to us and controlling nature of things) I have only gone up for day trips ( 70 miles away).  I'm seriously thinking about spending the night this week as she has asked me or I'm sure wonders why I've not as i use to all the time . I've not felt comfortable or that I'm emotionally ready for him to be rude to me again but now I'm so much better for her sake I think i can handle it . My real concern is that she is so out going now she is sitting in a recliner all day with this little one that nurses all the time except for small 10-15 "snaps" right on pillow next to her . She can't really call anyone as her minutes are not free till after 7 and weekends but that is when he is home so reading between the lines , before baby and after the big wedding reception mess , she doesn't call home unless in car and not in front of him. We use to talk everyday on her way home from work but that is when she was taking care of her phone bill so if she went over it didn't' matter but now he is doing it and her last bill was 30.00 over ( as I'm sure because she was calling me prior to her free time during the week ) and he had a fit over the 30.00.  So now she text me all the  time and I don't' have free text so mine is really going over but I just don't want to not hear from her at all , as it is the only time we talk to each other is when I'm there and that is so hard for both of us as she will say she misses hearing my voice and we need to set a time for calling but with the baby she has her hands full and a DH that is controlling her and especially contact with us . So I feel lost as to how to be supportive and not to lose contact with her but not talking to each other is hard on both of us . We have agreed we hate emailing and texting but I'm stuck as to what I can do . I don't' want to do anything that will make a problem between them but hate seeing my DD being taken over by a controlling DH.

[JaneF]

I am sorry you are struggling with these issues.  Your son in law sounds like a prize.  Hope new babe gets better as far as being fussy and such.  Does DD know for sure if she is having enough milk for baby? Perhaps she could find a way to know (pump) to see, maybe this is why the continuous nursing???  I dislike texting as well!  But since you cannot speak except for after 7 etc, can you purchase unlimited texting cheaper ?  I think our plan has it unlimited for like $20 a month or so.  Glad your DD is communicating with you though!   J

[Pen]

AL, I would be concerned as well. Isolation is one of the signs of abuse, I've heard. Perhaps your SIL means no harm & simply has social anxiety or whatever, but the result (your DD's unhappiness) is the same. I hope you can visit and find out what's going on; and I hope it's just a bunch of misunderstandings that can be resolved. If not, I hope your DD is safe & happy soon.

[InvisiMom]

Hello ArtLady, Why don't you Skype? It's a free download and it's free anywhere in the world computer to computer. You can see each other and chat. Can't complain about free! Just a thought ...

[Doe]

To me, 3 weeks at home with a nursing newborn isn't really isolation - from what I remember (long ago), just getting the nursing going, changing diapers and getting enough sleep filled the day. 

I don't think it's a good idea for you to go spend the night with the intense dislike you have for her husband.
 
Why not buy her a phone with some prepaid minutes on it?  You can reload it as needed and she can call during the day.  Or like Invisimom said, Skyping is free and easy.

[artlady]

AL, I would be concerned as well. Isolation is one of the signs of abuse, I've heard. Perhaps your SIL means no harm & simply has social anxiety or whatever, but the result (your DD's unhappiness) is the same. I hope you can visit and find out what's going on; and I hope it's just a bunch of misunderstandings that can be resolved. If not, I hope your DD is safe & happy soon.

WE changed plans awhile back and I did have that but to save money we cut back on some of the plan. we still have landline that we can talk anytime anywhere but these young adults use the cell for everything. Now if she is going to be home alone she needs that also. She is a very outgoing person with lots of friends and he has only one or two that he ever does anything with when he does something which is not often. These young folks though use email and cells so much more than my generation ( will be 60 in March). I just know that if she could she would be calling just to chat as being away from folks is something she is not use to but she it being so patient and good with the baby . His plans of getting her to quit work might backfire as she is getting a real taste of how it might be not sure what will happen with that. We do enjoy our time and she loves the fact she can get out of the house with me in the back seat since he is still fussy ( colicky).

[artlady]

Hello ArtLady, Why don't you Skype? It's a free download and it's free anywhere in the world computer to computer. You can see each other and chat. Can't complain about free! Just a thought ...

       I can certainly check on that to see for me how to do it and if that is a way she can talk also, if she can use the laptop or will she have to go in the office to sit at the desk with the baby to do it . Thanks for the idea then she can talk to both DH and myself at the same time.

[artlady]

I am sorry you are struggling with these issues.  Your son in law sounds like a prize.  Hope new babe gets better as far as being fussy and such.  Does DD know for sure if she is having enough milk for baby? Perhaps she could find a way to know (pump) to see, maybe this is why the continuous nursing???  I dislike texting as well!  But since you cannot speak except for after 7 etc, can you purchase unlimited texting cheaper ?  I think our plan has it unlimited for like $20 a month or so.  Glad your DD is communicating with you though!   J

     Oh I think she is giving him plenty of milk as it is running down his face and the fact that he is a good nurser as he is pretty steady at it and she plans to pump as soon as she finds the time he is not nursing . The other day in joking she said she guess she would get up in the middle of the night but she was kidding. She nursed a lot so I understand but I do think he is doing more than her. LOL  Her ped told her that she would feel like a big boob the first month but that would change so I'm hoping for her but too I think he soothes himself by nursing which is understandable for this gassy coloick maybe.Son in law is a prize but he use to be so different before wedding and so we are still hoping the old one returns but so far haven't seen him

[artlady]

To me, 3 weeks at home with a nursing newborn isn't really isolation - from what I remember (long ago), just getting the nursing going, changing diapers and getting enough sleep filled the day. 

I don't think it's a good idea for you to go spend the night with the intense dislike you have for her husband.
 
Why not buy her a phone with some prepaid minutes on it?  You can reload it as needed and she can call during the day.  Or like Invisimom said, Skyping is free and easy.

    I can do either the Skype or the prepaid phone , whichever suits her the best I will more than gladly do . This is a special time between mother's and daughters as most of the time the mother is there to listen, help or do whatever for the daughter to ease any hard times or help make it easier. I well know the nursing part as she was a all day nurser and slept all night from the first day home ( 11_7a.m.) so I'm well aware but I could lay her down for a few hour naps that she can't do with him. He will fall asleep on the nursing pillow but if she moves him to swing or bassinet he will cry in about 5-10 minutes. So he loves sleeping in her arms or on the pillow which is fine at this age but she wants to be able to do things besides sit in the recliner from 7:30a.m til 10 or so pm  , she would like to go to grocery or out but she can't as he fusses off and on during the whole ride so she doesn't want to do it alone ( that is why i ride in the back now that she has been released to drive ) The sleep is want bothers me she is not getting sleep during the day and I pray for her that soon he gets more naps during the day for her own sake and health .Oh I've been spending the night before with no problem but not since the baby as he wanted two weeks with no visitors , then he went back to work 4 days after baby got home and she was not able to drive. So since the baby I'm treading lightly on the spending the night although she has asked me to do so. Oh we are as nice to him as we were before the wedding and have never changed how we treat him, so i don't' think he has any idea how we feel , he is the one that acts like a jack leg. For her sake we would never be ugly or rude to him we Love her too much.

[artlady]

Thanks for all the ideas and I'll certainly look into them. I think the little fella is on a growth spurt as he weighed 6lbs 9 oz , lost to 6 lbs and now is back to 6lbs 11 oz last week so he is catching up. I"m so proud of her as she is so easy and patient with him so as the doc said in a month she will be able to see the fruits of her labor and feel good about it . She is almost there and the pumping will start this week or next ( by doc suggestions) . Now days they don't go back for another 2 months after all the check ups the first week or so . Things are sooooooooo different than before . Once she pumps then she can give baby and bottle to Sil to help as she is trying since she has several things she has committed to go to for a friends wedding coming up very soon. Everyone says go be with her regardless be there for her and continue to treat him the same as always because we don't want to ever close the door for her as she might need us in the future more than ever. I think our worst fear is that she quits her job as he wants her to do, she has a excellent job with great pay , benefits and retirement ( state job) He works for a private company based from overseas. He wants her to stay home because his mother stayed home( wanted to stay home ) until his dad quit his job then went from job to job,so she could no longer do things with her boys and he still resents his dad for his mother working . Everything from all the tributes at the wedding to his mom, using moms first name for middle name of baby, missing her and daughter feels so sorry for him,  we all miss our love ones and I miss my mom who died at 65 and I was 32 but i know she is in a better place and pain free. Something is unanswered here and the closure after 11 almost 12 years is not there . We have been very supportive , I"ve told him before they got married that I could never take the place of his mom and would never try to but that I hoped I could be the best MIL and be there for him as  mother would be anytime he needed me to be . WE have reached out so far our arms r like strings from extensions . WE just hope she keeps her job with the economy and the fact she will be totally dependent on him , as he relives his mother's wishes through our DD. Nothing against stay at home moms ( she wants to do it once they have a second one as then it will be expensive) and there are lots of great moms that work also . She has found several sitting solutions so I know she is leaning toward going back to work but since he is the big salary person who knows who will win this one . I'll see her this week but I'm not going to discuss any of my thoughts she has too much on her plate right now and I want her to enjoy this special time as they grow up to darn fast. I can just vent and worry with you gals. Thanks

[Pooh]

I'm with Doe artlady.  I know you want what's best for her, but I had a fussy baby that only slept in 5 minute incraments and ate constantly.  This went on for months!  I was miserable, lonely, frustrated and tried to give him to the garbage man one day I was so out of it.  Lack of sleep, isolation, anxiety....drove me to it.  Seriously, the garbage man looked at me and said, "Mam', we can't take that."  I truly did and I wouldn't have really did it, but I was going over the edge.  I would call my Mom crying, venting, mad at my DH because he wasn't helping....etc.  She was my only contact with the outside world because I didn't have time to talk to friends on the phone or visit....I was busy and I knew Mom would be supportive.  It was isolation, but it was self-imposed isolation because I was at my wit's end.   It eventually straightened out, but boy was that a rough time for me.  I was always outgoing and became a hermit during that time, luckily for everyone else, because I was not fit company and probably would have bit everyone's head off for nothing.

Just keep that in mind.  She probably sees you as her safe haven to talk to right now, with no reprecussions.  The best thing my Mom did for me was to listen, but not help much in the beginning.  She would have in a heartbeat if I would have asked, but she knew I needed to learn too.  She would come by and drop off a casserole, stay for just a bit and leave.  When she could tell I was about to lose it, she would come over and let me sleep for a couple of hours.  She had that perfect combination of helping but not doing. 

[artlady]

I'm with Doe artlady.  I know you want what's best for her, but I had a fussy baby that only slept in 5 minute incraments and ate constantly.  This went on for months!  I was miserable, lonely, frustrated and tried to give him to the garbage man one day I was so out of it.  Lack of sleep, isolation, anxiety....drove me to it.  Seriously, the garbage man looked at me and said, "Mam', we can't take that."  I truly did and I wouldn't have really did it, but I was going over the edge.  I would call my Mom crying, venting, mad at my DH because he wasn't helping....etc.  She was my only contact with the outside world because I didn't have time to talk to friends on the phone or visit....I was busy and I knew Mom would be supportive.  It was isolation, but it was self-imposed isolation because I was at my wit's end.   It eventually straightened out, but boy was that a rough time for me.  I was always outgoing and became a hermit during that time, luckily for everyone else, because I was not fit company and probably would have bit everyone's head off for nothing.

Just keep that in mind.  She probably sees you as her safe haven to talk to right now, with no reprecussions.  The best thing my Mom did for me was to listen, but not help much in the beginning.  She would have in a heartbeat if I would have asked, but she knew I needed to learn too.  She would come by and drop off a casserole, stay for just a bit and leave.  When she could tell I was about to lose it, she would come over and let me sleep for a couple of hours.  She had that perfect combination of helping but not doing.

     So far Pooh I'm trying to do as your MOM, as they wanted the first two weeks with no visitors ( but she said that wasn't for me ) . I wish we could talk more as I feel she is going to be where you were , but he has sleep a few days lately during the day ( she let him sleep too long one of those days and he work up every 2-3 hours that night) and afternoon long enough for her to 'snap" and also get things done. Oh last time I went I took homemade  soup( frozen) cooked dinner and made enough for leftovers for lunch the next day for her . This time I"ll make a breakfast casserole and pre=cut into squares so they can pop them out anytime. I'm letting her learn , if she needs me to do anything all she has to do is ask. I"m trying to keep a balance and that is why I feel it is very important for her to have a way to contact me during the day as most of her friends are at work, the others have kids at home they r taking care of so she is really cut off and I know she needs to talk to someone just for her own sanity from time to time . Lordy I hope she doesn't try to give him to the trash man. That is too funny ( now ) but I'm sure back then it was not a laughing matter . He does the 5 -10 minute incraments but is showing signs of breaks for naps.  Thanks Pooh

[Pooh]

It is funny now when I think about it, but I was desperate at the time and cried a bucket of tears that I even did it!  Bless the poor trash man's heart.  I'm sure he didn't know what to do with a crying, frazzeled 20 year old looking at him going, "Will you take him with you?"  I had just walked outside with him trying to get him to quit crying when they pulled up.  I blurted it out before thinking and regretted it afterwards.  Which made me feel worse and I called my Mom crying and telling her what I did.  She just laughed and laughed and said, "Honey, I promise...there will be many more times over the years you will want to give them away!"  God love her....

[artlady]

It is funny now when I think about it, but I was desperate at the time and cried a bucket of tears that I even did it!  Bless the poor trash man's heart.  I'm sure he didn't know what to do with a crying, frazzeled 20 year old looking at him going, "Will you take him with you?"  I had just walked outside with him trying to get him to quit crying when they pulled up.  I blurted it out before thinking and regretted it afterwards.  Which made me feel worse and I called my Mom crying and telling her what I did.  She just laughed and laughed and said, "Honey, I promise...there will be many more times over the years you will want to give them away!"  God love her....

Yoour mom sounds like what I'd tell my DD if she called and told me that, I can just visualize that scene and not even know you or what you look like but I bet you r not the only one in that situation that asked a complete stranger out of being so close to the "can you take this baby". Hey I think we all had moments that our babies almost drove us over the brink , I remember one 24 hours of crying as a new born that between me , my mom and dh all  thought we were going to committ hary cary.  It was bad formula as she was jaundice and i couldn't breast feed her when she first got home . Being a new mother I had no clue nor did any of the other two but you can bet your rear end we were at the doctors office when the doors opened

[Doe]

I remember going to a LLL meeting with my first newborn. A mother was there with 2 toddlers and an infant and I asked her about how she managed it.  I remember saying that I was going to wait till he was older to get out to grocery stores, etc since it would be easier.
 
She stopped me right there and said it only gets easier the more you do it.  Don't put if off!  I got it that there was no 'making it easier' now that I was responsible 24/7 for another person - no one but my husband and myself were going to do it (our parents lived across the country).  We got more skilled and more in control of the chaos that comes with babies.  I totally agree with that mom's advice.